Saturday, 17 January 2009

Celebrity Auschwitz and American Inventor - A Preview


Why not start as I mean to go on. Celebrity Auschwitz. It's a series that needs making and it's in pre-production, so you're too late!

Meanwhile - american inventor. the first contestant walks in, he's small, unremarkable, a bit shabby and not too bright, he comes in holding a tube, maybe 2 and a half foot long with some wires and copper tubing wrapped round it, and a sheet of semi-rigid plastic. He's asked who he is.

"burt flahrmun"

"and what have you brought in for us, burt?"

"I've got this" he holds up the tube, "lemme show you, just hold on."

he lays the plastic sheet on the floor, drops his pants and squats over it. the millionaires are concerned. burt begins straining

"I been holding one in, it's coming."

the panel look at each other, very worried. he squirms a little more and out it comes. he stands and pulls his pants up and rolls the plastic sheet around his deposit, into a conical shape.

"ok, i got it."

balancing the tube clumsily on his knee and angling it to the floor burt slides the shit out of the rolled up plastic into the top of the tube, he fiddles with something and shakes the tube a little, some led lights flash and it begins to hum, burt looks up.

"here it is."

a bar of gold drops out the other end of the tube and onto the floor. burt is non-plussed.

peter jones "that's very impressive, how long have you been working on that?"

"bout a year, i couldn't get the bar shape."

george foreman "I just love this and i think america may love it too, it's just so good to see a man follow his dreams and triumph"

pat croce "i'm not so sure," to flahrmun "have you done any marketing?"


croce "have you got any patents?"


jones "well, what have you done?"

burt points to the tube "i invented this"

sarah blakely "burt, do you have any ideas about how to use this invention?"

burt, unsure "it turns shit into gold, i don't know, i thought it would be useful. i suppose i could tweak it to make diamonds."

jones "burt, you haven't thought this through, if you can make gold and diamonds for nothing then they're essentially worthless."

foreman "now hang on a minute, gold and diamonds are very nice shiny things and america loves them"

burt "i like them"

foreman "so do i"

croce "ok, ok. let's vote on it"

the panel all vote no except george foreman. the show continues in this vein with a middle aged rotund jewish lady who has a small box wih a red button on it, when pushed she disappears and re-appears behind them in an instant - teleportation. a spotty nerdy teenager has a contraption with a chute on one side and a light bulb screwed in the other, he dumps rubbish in the chute and the light comes on - free energy. a tall korean man has a piece of metal he can put underneath anything to render it weightless so he can shove it around the studio - anti-gravity. all are rejected, the panel goes for a retired school teacher who has spent 50 years perfecting a lint roller that is especially good at getting cat hair off of velvet.

p.s. It was a series of bald and heroic actions that created the civil rights movement. The bald have not received enough credit.

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