24/11/08
Dr. Nostrum
So your theory, I still don't quite understand what it's a theory of?
Hutchback
Right, it's a theory of...
Dr. Nostrum
It's a theory of...?
Hutchback
...it's a theory of Cultural...
Together
...Relativity.
Dr. Nostrum
No, that's...
Hutchback
Is, er, is that...
Dr. Nostrum
...not right is it?
Hutchback
...no, it's, it's (long pause) I don't know what it is.
Dr. Nostrum
It's something to do with quality isn't it?
Hutchback
It's, it's to do with significance.
Dr. Nostrum
Oh.
Hutchback
It's about significance.
Dr. Nostrum
Cultural – significance of...
Hutchback
Of Cultural events
Dr. Nostrum
Events, or...
Hutchback
That I would posit (see, told you)
Dr. Nostrum
...work?
Hutchback
No, of anything - cultural (pause) thing, objects. It could be an event...
Dr. Nostrum (unsure)
Ye-es
Hutchback
Er, a, you know, er, (long pause) a piece of literature...
Dr. Nostrum
Lint?
Hutchback
A piece of, a piece of felt...
Dr. Nostrum
Vannessa Feltz
Hutchback
It could be Vannessa Feltz.. no, no, cos you see that would be now veering into the second category, which is, which is the Garbage that society. The Garbage that we create...
Dr. Nostrum
I actually think she probably didn't set out to be garbage, she probably was a bit like Gordon Brown.
Hutchback
No, no, as soon as you go, kind of chat TV, chat radio, you are embracing 'the garbage', surely? There's no...
Dr. Nostrum
Well, yeah, but not if you've got, I don't know, Wittgenstein talking to Joseph Heller...
Hutchback
Yeah but you don't get that, well, you might get it on radio 4...
Dr. Nostrum
No, you would never get Wittgenstein talking to J..
Hutchback
Well, you might have got it on radio 4
Dr. Nostrum
Did they even exist in the same...
Hutchback
Yeah, Wittgenstien...
Dr. Nostrum
...period? Did they cross over?
Hutchback
Yeah, course.
Dr. Nostrum
Really?
Hutchback
Didn't they?
Dr. Nostrum
I thought he was 1800 and something
Hutchback
Wittgenstein? Oh, I thought it was 19...
Dr. Nostrum
You see – presupposing something
Hutchback
...19 something.
Dr. Nostrum
Wittgenstein?
Hutchback
No, alright, yeah you're right, he was earlier it wasn't 17 anything..
Dr. Nostrum
Now I actually saw Joseph Heller sit on a panel of that...
Hutchback
Sit on a park bench.
Dr. Nostrum
...review. Yeah, but no, he was on this review – you know, one of these – they used to do it on radio, no, on BBC 2. D'you remember? The late night review...
Hutchback
Yes
Dr. Nostrum
...where they had some bloke and then they had other blokes...
Hutchback
'The Late...'
Dr. Nostrum
...and a woman
Hutchback
...Late Review – late night?
Dr. Nostrum
Yeah, he was on – I know what you're thinking about – and it was him – whatever – but I just remember that he was one person and Tony Parsons, I believe, was one of the other people...
Hutchback
Hmm, two...
Dr. Nostrum
...Yeah, and it was quite...
Hutchback
...giants (starts laughing)
Dr. Nostrum (laughing)
Well that's what I was thinking! Cos you know, you've got, you've obviously got Cultural (pause) giants, you know, right throughout the depth, the depth of, of the, erm, (pause) the dissection of whatever they were talking about was at, er, was at levels (pause) now, that was relativity working there.
Hutchback
Levels
Dr. Nostrum
And I don't remember, I don't...
Hutchback
Levels...
Dr. Nostrum
...Yeah, Levels...
Hutchback
...Jerry.
Dr. Nostrum
I don't remember anything anyone said, I just thought the whole idea of having Joseph Heller on the same programme as Tony Parsons, talking about the same thing...
Hutchback
Hmm.
Dr. Nostrum
Was an extraordinarily weird idea.
Hutchback
Like, ehm...
Dr. Nostrum
Well, I don't know...
Hutchback
Sigmund Freud and Bernard Manning
Dr. Nostrum
Talking about psychotherapy, yeah. (pause) Well, you know, I think the thing is, Sigmund Freud might have been interested in Bernard Manning but I don't think Joseph Heller was interested in Tony Parsons.
Hutchback
Mm, mm, mm. But would Bernard Manning have been interested in Sigmund Freud?
Dr. Nostrum
I still do like his joke – (here comes irony, just in case you were wondering) I was telling M as another great bit of her cultural inheritance, not to be racist in any way at all, but I did like that joke about living next door to – "I'm a better man than you cause at least I don't live next door to a stinking Paki."
Hutchback
Yeah, that will have to be edited out later. But..
Dr. Nostrum
Do you remember that joke?
Hutchback (an unfortunate memory)
Yes, I remember it
Dr. Nostrum
I can't remember how it started...
Hutchback
Yeah, cause he moves in..
Dr. Nostrum
I know, 'he moves in...' but I can't remember what..
Hutchback
I'm a bet.. I'm a luckier man than you
Dr. Nostrum
No, It was 'I'm a better man than you' I think
Hutchback
No, 'I'm a luckier man than you Mr. Manning'
Dr. Nostrum
And what it must have been – cause I was trying to tell M this joke you see and I couldn't remember the whole set-up...
Hutchback
Couldn't remember the classic...
Dr. Nostrum
...and if you just come up with the punch-line it sounds terrible.
Hutchback
I think the joke – even with the pre-amble, it's pretty terrible
Dr. Nostrum
Yeah
Hutchback
But um, after all...
Dr. Nostrum
Yeah
Hutchback (sarcasm)
...it's just the Pakistani's, we don't have to worry that much...
Dr. Nostrum
No
Hutchback
...They're all terrorists anyway. (pause) We'll have to edit that one out as well. God. Erm.
Dr. Nostrum
Do you think it's easy to get a fatwa on yourself if you're just insignificant?
Hutchback (laughs)
Um, yeah, probably, cos it's quite a lot of effort to do all that fatwa-ing. You know...
Dr. Nostrum
Well actually, a Fatwa, a Fatwa...
Hutchback
...all that religious hatred.
Dr. Nostrum
...a Fatwa is actually not so bad is it, cos it's effectively someone saying just "ignore 'em", isn't it, basically. A Fatwa is, you know, it's kind of like blackballing someone?
Hutchback
Hmm, again, we'll have to edit that one out as well.
(beat)
No, I don't know, again, it, oh, Bloody Hell, I mean, the th.. how many things can you actually talk about that you actually know anything about at all?
Hutchback
Um, very little...
Dr. Nostrum
Yeah, almost nothing.
Sunday, 18 January 2009
QVC - Lest we Die in Shame, Sell us the Perfect Life.
24/11/08
Dr Nostrum watched, entranced, but, alas for QVC, did not buy.
This wasn't because I could hardly think of an item more worthless than 'Yankee Candles' - yes, the relentless march to drown out the smell of farts, sweat and pets (though less memorable than the oriental kid forever doomed to unhappily shit his way through The Noughties unable to hide the stench from his adoptive parents) continues.
The western culture has but one challenge for The People and that is the attaining of Objective Perfection through all and any means necessary. If ever there were a more pointless goal, only pseudo religion has offered it - Yes, you too can be a God amongst Men, simply close your eyes, breathe deeply and let nothing in, whilst simultaneously promising nirvana in platitudes. Here there has been a great mistake because there's been no pacifist God yet (only his errant son - who sure was taught a lesson in how humans behave without all the self help brainwashing)
Anyway, getting back to the important matter of 'Yankee Candle' selling, they sure were firing on every cylinder. It was a pitch (thank you Torquemada) by 2 pro's and the Yankee Candles with garters were so 'naughty' and 'indulgent' and simply 'incredible' that Dr. Nostrum's resistance was tested. Scents were scented and tongues tripped 'all year cinnamon' deemed a Bakery smell with a hint of vanilla (don't ask the manufacturers how that slipped in) and the Dr. was delighted to be told that "it's been well documented - people warm to vanilla" Where they warmed wasn't clear, I assumed it must be spiritually. Best of all, the representative of the importer let slip the that so pure was the "highly refined vegetable grade parraffin wax - you could almost eat them" Better not I thought, but perhaps they would fill that candle shaped hole in my diet.
Luckily we were reminded that the pictures on the jar tell you everything, (a picture of cinnamon sticks, say) that picture tells you exactly what it will smell like. And any comment left hanging in the heat of the sell was beautifully rescued by the simple time filling phrase; 'It's so interesting what you said there' before being beautifully expounded upon with an unrelated phrase.
So there we are, cheap mason jars with a plstic lid filled with smelly wax. 'coming up later - a set of 4 small beanswax lidded tumbler candles - recently reduced to just £29.74 - one viewer reminded us that "it wouldn't be Christmas without Yankee Candles" No? What would it be? Ah, an enforced Family meal with aggravation and turkey flavoured belches before arguments and tears, all accompanied by the powerful stench of Brussell Sprout farts left to linger without the redemptive Yankee Candle overtones.
"What's this one - Candied Apple - Can you imagine what that one smells like?" Yes, strangely enough.
There were some pretentious gatecrashers to the party, no doubt smells left on the shop floor that were swept up and repackaged lest there be waste (see the Dr's theories on the Flake and Picnic chocolate bars) 'Beach Holiday', 'Open Space', 'Gents Lavatory' (that last a shoe-in stocking filler for George Michael)
I was able to vicariously enjoy the fruit smells - especially being told that Cayman Banana was made with one of the oldest bananas in creation (Larry King's Cock - boom boom) and that we shouldn't miss "warm creamy Vera Cruz" - no doubt harvested from Penelope's Mother's smears.
So, whatever you want to achieve at Christmas, it will no doubt be improved with Yankee Candles. But, unfortunately not by me, for I had emptied my Bank account buying the bedspreads that were on half an hour before - each set came boxed with all I'd need to make a complete bed! I couldn't resist, the clincher was that timeless truism that dripped from the presenters lips after yet another heartfelt plea for my money "Remember, if your guest is coming to stay, you can't give a better gift than a good night's sleep" I believe those words were first coined by Dennis Nilsen.
Dr Nostrum watched, entranced, but, alas for QVC, did not buy.
This wasn't because I could hardly think of an item more worthless than 'Yankee Candles' - yes, the relentless march to drown out the smell of farts, sweat and pets (though less memorable than the oriental kid forever doomed to unhappily shit his way through The Noughties unable to hide the stench from his adoptive parents) continues.
The western culture has but one challenge for The People and that is the attaining of Objective Perfection through all and any means necessary. If ever there were a more pointless goal, only pseudo religion has offered it - Yes, you too can be a God amongst Men, simply close your eyes, breathe deeply and let nothing in, whilst simultaneously promising nirvana in platitudes. Here there has been a great mistake because there's been no pacifist God yet (only his errant son - who sure was taught a lesson in how humans behave without all the self help brainwashing)
Anyway, getting back to the important matter of 'Yankee Candle' selling, they sure were firing on every cylinder. It was a pitch (thank you Torquemada) by 2 pro's and the Yankee Candles with garters were so 'naughty' and 'indulgent' and simply 'incredible' that Dr. Nostrum's resistance was tested. Scents were scented and tongues tripped 'all year cinnamon' deemed a Bakery smell with a hint of vanilla (don't ask the manufacturers how that slipped in) and the Dr. was delighted to be told that "it's been well documented - people warm to vanilla" Where they warmed wasn't clear, I assumed it must be spiritually. Best of all, the representative of the importer let slip the that so pure was the "highly refined vegetable grade parraffin wax - you could almost eat them" Better not I thought, but perhaps they would fill that candle shaped hole in my diet.
Luckily we were reminded that the pictures on the jar tell you everything, (a picture of cinnamon sticks, say) that picture tells you exactly what it will smell like. And any comment left hanging in the heat of the sell was beautifully rescued by the simple time filling phrase; 'It's so interesting what you said there' before being beautifully expounded upon with an unrelated phrase.
So there we are, cheap mason jars with a plstic lid filled with smelly wax. 'coming up later - a set of 4 small beanswax lidded tumbler candles - recently reduced to just £29.74 - one viewer reminded us that "it wouldn't be Christmas without Yankee Candles" No? What would it be? Ah, an enforced Family meal with aggravation and turkey flavoured belches before arguments and tears, all accompanied by the powerful stench of Brussell Sprout farts left to linger without the redemptive Yankee Candle overtones.
"What's this one - Candied Apple - Can you imagine what that one smells like?" Yes, strangely enough.
There were some pretentious gatecrashers to the party, no doubt smells left on the shop floor that were swept up and repackaged lest there be waste (see the Dr's theories on the Flake and Picnic chocolate bars) 'Beach Holiday', 'Open Space', 'Gents Lavatory' (that last a shoe-in stocking filler for George Michael)
I was able to vicariously enjoy the fruit smells - especially being told that Cayman Banana was made with one of the oldest bananas in creation (Larry King's Cock - boom boom) and that we shouldn't miss "warm creamy Vera Cruz" - no doubt harvested from Penelope's Mother's smears.
So, whatever you want to achieve at Christmas, it will no doubt be improved with Yankee Candles. But, unfortunately not by me, for I had emptied my Bank account buying the bedspreads that were on half an hour before - each set came boxed with all I'd need to make a complete bed! I couldn't resist, the clincher was that timeless truism that dripped from the presenters lips after yet another heartfelt plea for my money "Remember, if your guest is coming to stay, you can't give a better gift than a good night's sleep" I believe those words were first coined by Dennis Nilsen.
The Hutchback, Hunchback dilemma
24/11/08
Better to be a correctly spellt malform or an incorrectly spellt mid-sized Japanese car. The great doctor has given me much time to ponder this enigma whilst I am confined in total darkness for the next two weeks.
Better to be a correctly spellt malform or an incorrectly spellt mid-sized Japanese car. The great doctor has given me much time to ponder this enigma whilst I am confined in total darkness for the next two weeks.
Don’t believe a word
23/11/08
He sticks to the kind appellation 'Hunchback' but he is merely glamorising the race of assistants to good Doctors. Hutchback is, at best, a spelling mistake of a being, able to offer shallow and misguided insight into anything, the froth on your urine in the bowl.
His protestations and poor attempts at simpering are mere affectations that hide his true nature, that of a deep need for cruelty. Without it he would have nothing to compare the meager pleasures in his life to.
Enjoy his company and conversation for what it is, an endless game of discovery otherwise known as 'What's My Neurosis?'.
As often, he's a giver of half truths and misdirection. He's never happier than when I'm grasping my favorite cudgel, that bringer of pleasure to us both.
He sticks to the kind appellation 'Hunchback' but he is merely glamorising the race of assistants to good Doctors. Hutchback is, at best, a spelling mistake of a being, able to offer shallow and misguided insight into anything, the froth on your urine in the bowl.
His protestations and poor attempts at simpering are mere affectations that hide his true nature, that of a deep need for cruelty. Without it he would have nothing to compare the meager pleasures in his life to.
Enjoy his company and conversation for what it is, an endless game of discovery otherwise known as 'What's My Neurosis?'.
As often, he's a giver of half truths and misdirection. He's never happier than when I'm grasping my favorite cudgel, that bringer of pleasure to us both.
Another Hunchbacked Theory
23/11/08
Hunchback Here
Having somehow managed to extricate myself from the manacles in the basement (Nostrum is a hard but fair employer) I have scurried up to the good doctors sanctum and correctly guessed his encryption (the password was of course 'cunt'). I will no doubt in the fullness of time pay for this transgression but for now I am free with the wind rushing through my three remaining hairs. Today I am a venerable 60 years old, a full and rewarding career of corpse theft behind me, free now to pursue my other interests.
Turning 60 is a remarkable moment in the life of any human(oid) I thought it would be festive and gay, with poppers and jelly (or is that the men only sauna that I frequent) a riotous whirligig, but instead Dr Nostrum merely added a spoonful of black molasses to my gruel. Are my best years behind me I thought as I dribbled the thin oats down my chin onto my favourite sacking shirt.
My theory then is in relation to the good doctors wild grasping at an answer for who it is that is reading this web log. The doctor has hit upon hard times in recent years and had to shelve his idea for a national advertising campaign to promote his 'art'. His meagre supply of 'cold hard' ended up only being able to fund a single billboard on the Isle of Mull. Now we may speculate that the entire population of Mull have been avidly reading his obscene rants having finally figured out what all this www. nonsense means after walkeing past the poster every day for the last 6 months, and this may have been the case were it not for the fact that the poster was inadvertently placed in a cow field. Believer though I am in bovine intelligence I find it a leap of imagination too great to think that a herd of Highland Longhorns are Nostrums key demographic.
No, it has come to the Hunchback's attention that there is a new phenomenon spreading throughout the blogoverse. We are now seeing the rise of robot readers. Yes, I say, robots or to put it more precisely mechanical machines designed to merely read and ponder the inane witterings of such self made men of genius as our beloved physician. The reason being of course that there are no human readers left, all now distracted by writing their own diarised thoughts in blog form and adding to the growing landfill of human irrelevance. So on our own little patch of heaven the onlookers have swelled by 40,000% in the matter of one week. We feel engorged by success and thus will keep tapping away like epileptic simians. It's as they say on Wall Street a win-win as they plummet past the smoked glass windows.
But I must go now as I can hear Nostrums hand on the door knob and no doubt his other hand will be grasping his favourite cudgel.
Hunchback Here
Having somehow managed to extricate myself from the manacles in the basement (Nostrum is a hard but fair employer) I have scurried up to the good doctors sanctum and correctly guessed his encryption (the password was of course 'cunt'). I will no doubt in the fullness of time pay for this transgression but for now I am free with the wind rushing through my three remaining hairs. Today I am a venerable 60 years old, a full and rewarding career of corpse theft behind me, free now to pursue my other interests.
Turning 60 is a remarkable moment in the life of any human(oid) I thought it would be festive and gay, with poppers and jelly (or is that the men only sauna that I frequent) a riotous whirligig, but instead Dr Nostrum merely added a spoonful of black molasses to my gruel. Are my best years behind me I thought as I dribbled the thin oats down my chin onto my favourite sacking shirt.
My theory then is in relation to the good doctors wild grasping at an answer for who it is that is reading this web log. The doctor has hit upon hard times in recent years and had to shelve his idea for a national advertising campaign to promote his 'art'. His meagre supply of 'cold hard' ended up only being able to fund a single billboard on the Isle of Mull. Now we may speculate that the entire population of Mull have been avidly reading his obscene rants having finally figured out what all this www. nonsense means after walkeing past the poster every day for the last 6 months, and this may have been the case were it not for the fact that the poster was inadvertently placed in a cow field. Believer though I am in bovine intelligence I find it a leap of imagination too great to think that a herd of Highland Longhorns are Nostrums key demographic.
No, it has come to the Hunchback's attention that there is a new phenomenon spreading throughout the blogoverse. We are now seeing the rise of robot readers. Yes, I say, robots or to put it more precisely mechanical machines designed to merely read and ponder the inane witterings of such self made men of genius as our beloved physician. The reason being of course that there are no human readers left, all now distracted by writing their own diarised thoughts in blog form and adding to the growing landfill of human irrelevance. So on our own little patch of heaven the onlookers have swelled by 40,000% in the matter of one week. We feel engorged by success and thus will keep tapping away like epileptic simians. It's as they say on Wall Street a win-win as they plummet past the smoked glass windows.
But I must go now as I can hear Nostrums hand on the door knob and no doubt his other hand will be grasping his favourite cudgel.
All Talk 3 - Hutchback’s Theory Of Cultural Relativity
22/11/08
Dr. Nostrum
There's a lot more...
Hutchback
There's a lot of garbage to look at.
Dr. Nostrum
...there's a lot more stuff around.
Hutchback (eating chocolate again)
Mm.. and.. and.. and my theory.. (chews) you know, to explore my theory of (laughs at the ridiculousness of positing 'a theory') Huh-huh, 'My Theory', I have 'A Theory' about the relative importance of.. of things. It's a very well known and formulated theory – It's actually that we attribute value to these great things, not just literature but somehow to certain events, have, have an importance as defined by whether they er, er, you know, they're talked about (pause) in a certain way. Um, whereas, um, the things that concern most people aren't great events, u, the great events are just a bit of background colour to their, to their kind of pedestrian (pause) lives. Which consists of making breakfast and watching Big Brother.
Dr. Nostrum
Huh, oh, I stopped listening to some of that. But I caught the end of it!
Hutchback
Well, you can listen to it later...
Dr. Nostrum
It's not concise enough.
Hutchback
...I haven't.. No, well, no, you have to start with the large and then bring it down to the small.
Dr. Nostrum
I know. I would do that.
Hutchback
It's, it's kind of like the, ok.. it's about Big Br.. I told it to you? It's about Big Brother and The News (pause) and why is the news intrinsically more interesting than Big Brother.
Dr. Nostrum
No wait a minute, what's the theory of?
Hutchback
It's a theory of... (long pause). It's a new Theory Of Relativity. No...
Dr. Nostrum
Cultural Rela..
Hutchback
Cultural Relativity.
Dr. Nostrum
Is it "The further away you get from something, the better it looks"?
Hutchback (laughs)
Generally, that works with ugly women, but..
Dr. Nostrum
No, no, to think about it, it actually works very well, no, well with literature, the older it is the better it is – generally
Hutchback
And is there anything wrong with just having a book on your shelf and not having read it? At least you've bought the book – that's a step closer.
Dr. Nostrum
I think that's what hardback are for
Hutchback
Yeah. No, but this theory of mine I think, I think it's actually...
Dr. Nostrum
It's important
Hutchback
...it's true. I think there, there is (pause) something significant there, because I think that most people are only concerned with Heat magazine and Big Brother.
Dr. Nostrum
'People', or women?
Hutchback
People (pause) ok, well there's an equivalent for men – football and...
Dr. Nostrum
Nuts
Hutchback
...tits.
Dr. Nostrum
Oh yeah, no, no, Nuts. Football and Nuts or Big Brother and Heat
Hutchback
Yeah
Dr. Nostrum
And that's essentially the difference between...
Hutchback
The holy quadrology, er...
Dr. Nostrum
...the sexes
Hutchback
...quadrilogy, um, and...
Dr. Nostrum
You're presupposing some kind of, er, er (pause) knowledge. I've never looked at Nuts apart from.. I know that it exists but...
Hutchback
It doesn't matter
Dr. Nostrum
...I can imagine what's in it.
Hutchback
It's just skimpy – you know, women with their tits out
Dr. Nostrum
Yeah, it's women with their tits out
Hutchback (qualifying)
Young, young women, with their tits out
Dr. Nostrum
I never really understood the attraction of...
Hutchback (an impatient realisation)
In fact, in fact, in fact...
Dr. Nostrum
...does it improve the article? That's what I'm saying you know? If you've got...
Hutchback
The interviews generally don't stand up very well without the tit shot, basically.
Dr. Nostrum
I suppose.
Hutchback
You know – what's your, what's your favourite sexual fantasy? You need to have some visual cues to help that one along. You know, if it's just an interview without a picture...
Dr. Nostrum
Imagine if all...
Hutchback
They could just pretend that they're gorgeous.
Dr. Nostrum
...no, but great literature.. if it was proo.. if it was proven that it improved it, for men, with tits, that you could actually shift a lot more copies of War & Peace...
Hutchback
You could...
Dr. Nostrum
...with a few tit shots
Hutchback
...if you had a few tit shots, yeah.
Dr. Nostrum
Cos then - "I'm a bit bored with this," the tits "whoa, look at that, look, oh!"
Hutchback
Probably, probably every 4 pages I think you'd need one.
Dr. Nostrum
Every 4? Well, The Sport must have a – does that still exist, The Sunday Sport?
Hutchback
Er, I guess so.
Dr. Nostrum
There's a lot more...
Hutchback
There's a lot of garbage to look at.
Dr. Nostrum
...there's a lot more stuff around.
Hutchback (eating chocolate again)
Mm.. and.. and.. and my theory.. (chews) you know, to explore my theory of (laughs at the ridiculousness of positing 'a theory') Huh-huh, 'My Theory', I have 'A Theory' about the relative importance of.. of things. It's a very well known and formulated theory – It's actually that we attribute value to these great things, not just literature but somehow to certain events, have, have an importance as defined by whether they er, er, you know, they're talked about (pause) in a certain way. Um, whereas, um, the things that concern most people aren't great events, u, the great events are just a bit of background colour to their, to their kind of pedestrian (pause) lives. Which consists of making breakfast and watching Big Brother.
Dr. Nostrum
Huh, oh, I stopped listening to some of that. But I caught the end of it!
Hutchback
Well, you can listen to it later...
Dr. Nostrum
It's not concise enough.
Hutchback
...I haven't.. No, well, no, you have to start with the large and then bring it down to the small.
Dr. Nostrum
I know. I would do that.
Hutchback
It's, it's kind of like the, ok.. it's about Big Br.. I told it to you? It's about Big Brother and The News (pause) and why is the news intrinsically more interesting than Big Brother.
Dr. Nostrum
No wait a minute, what's the theory of?
Hutchback
It's a theory of... (long pause). It's a new Theory Of Relativity. No...
Dr. Nostrum
Cultural Rela..
Hutchback
Cultural Relativity.
Dr. Nostrum
Is it "The further away you get from something, the better it looks"?
Hutchback (laughs)
Generally, that works with ugly women, but..
Dr. Nostrum
No, no, to think about it, it actually works very well, no, well with literature, the older it is the better it is – generally
Hutchback
And is there anything wrong with just having a book on your shelf and not having read it? At least you've bought the book – that's a step closer.
Dr. Nostrum
I think that's what hardback are for
Hutchback
Yeah. No, but this theory of mine I think, I think it's actually...
Dr. Nostrum
It's important
Hutchback
...it's true. I think there, there is (pause) something significant there, because I think that most people are only concerned with Heat magazine and Big Brother.
Dr. Nostrum
'People', or women?
Hutchback
People (pause) ok, well there's an equivalent for men – football and...
Dr. Nostrum
Nuts
Hutchback
...tits.
Dr. Nostrum
Oh yeah, no, no, Nuts. Football and Nuts or Big Brother and Heat
Hutchback
Yeah
Dr. Nostrum
And that's essentially the difference between...
Hutchback
The holy quadrology, er...
Dr. Nostrum
...the sexes
Hutchback
...quadrilogy, um, and...
Dr. Nostrum
You're presupposing some kind of, er, er (pause) knowledge. I've never looked at Nuts apart from.. I know that it exists but...
Hutchback
It doesn't matter
Dr. Nostrum
...I can imagine what's in it.
Hutchback
It's just skimpy – you know, women with their tits out
Dr. Nostrum
Yeah, it's women with their tits out
Hutchback (qualifying)
Young, young women, with their tits out
Dr. Nostrum
I never really understood the attraction of...
Hutchback (an impatient realisation)
In fact, in fact, in fact...
Dr. Nostrum
...does it improve the article? That's what I'm saying you know? If you've got...
Hutchback
The interviews generally don't stand up very well without the tit shot, basically.
Dr. Nostrum
I suppose.
Hutchback
You know – what's your, what's your favourite sexual fantasy? You need to have some visual cues to help that one along. You know, if it's just an interview without a picture...
Dr. Nostrum
Imagine if all...
Hutchback
They could just pretend that they're gorgeous.
Dr. Nostrum
...no, but great literature.. if it was proo.. if it was proven that it improved it, for men, with tits, that you could actually shift a lot more copies of War & Peace...
Hutchback
You could...
Dr. Nostrum
...with a few tit shots
Hutchback
...if you had a few tit shots, yeah.
Dr. Nostrum
Cos then - "I'm a bit bored with this," the tits "whoa, look at that, look, oh!"
Hutchback
Probably, probably every 4 pages I think you'd need one.
Dr. Nostrum
Every 4? Well, The Sport must have a – does that still exist, The Sunday Sport?
Hutchback
Er, I guess so.
All Talk 2 - What’s the point of Reading?
22/11/08
Dr. Nostrum
(beat) Anyway, that was your idea, but what I thought (pause) would be (longer pause) interesting (pause) not that we could do it today, (yet another pause) but why don't we just...(e.t.c.) create that series... that we tried to start writing... on podcasts? Not in terms of the finished article, but actually the Creation Of The Series is the podcast?
Hutchback
Ok, that's possible.
Dr. Nostrum
Cos that's actually not a bad theme. You know, two people who don't know what they're doing, creating a TV programme that no-one will ever make.
Hutchback
Hmm. Mm. Okay, that's, uhm...
Dr. Nostrum
I mean that's... That's different
Hutchback
Haven't.. haven't we done it all already?
Dr. Nostrum (spluttering)
Well, what we.. Yeah but.. yuh.. wuh.. This is.. what I'm saying is.. it's, er.. it's.. revisionist. Is that you can come back, with actually, you can come back with your scripts and say.. and look at it, or improve on it, or make it worse, one or the other.
Hutchback (eating chocolate now)
Mm. mm.. mm.
Dr. Nostrum
But as an idea (pause) it is a better idea than just recreating someone else's talking about rubbish.
Hutchback
Mm, mm. Mm. (finished) Maybe. Well, yeah, I guess once.. but that was, a theme.
Dr. Nostrum (irritated)
Yeah, yeah, I know it was a theme!
Hutchback
Like: The Worst Reality TV Show Imaginable. Or the worst collection of reality TV shows
Dr. Nostrum
Well yeah, that's where you start, but then, but what the theme becomes is, eventually becomes, is who the people are isn't it? Which is what the programme would be.
Hutchback
Hmm.
Dr. Nostrum
Same as writing a book, it's not actually about... well, depends what it is. (beat) and in fact someone was pointing out – I overheard this and have probably got it wrong – but a very different thing about literature now, than literature say, up to the Second World War, is that great literature used to be, mainly about (here comes a halting explanation) the behaviour that, people were, forced into, rather that, and you know, which was an external thing, so heroes were heroes cause they went out and did thing whereas now, now we write about internal dialogues whereas you used to write about, you know, great themes used to be external things, you know, what happened around people and big events But now they're like little tiny things about just, oh, "I feel terrible and that's important because I'm, er, I'm emotional."
Hutchback
What about Jane Austen?
Dr. Nostrum
(despite never having read a Jane Austen book in his life)
Well, er, Jane Austen, er, a thing of her time was, er, subject to all the, er (pause) the er, (pause) the problems that, of 'the woman's life', I suppose.
Hutchback
Yeah...
Dr. Nostrum
Whereas now...
Hutchback
Not exactly 'great events'
Dr. Nostrum
No, no, but Jane Austen, if someone wrote Jane Austen stuff now it would just.. it would be
much more, um, (pause - searches for the word) bitter.
Hutchback (thinks)
Hmm
Dr. Nostrum
Wouldn't it?
Hutchback
Yeah. Because we are now cynical
Dr. Nostrum
Yeah. That's.. that's all
Hutchback
But they were cy.. But there were also cynics back then.
Dr. Nostrum
Yeah
Hutchback
You know, Darcy is, to some extent, a cynic.
Dr. Nostrum (making it up)
Yeah, but she's not making fun of him...
Hutchback
No
Dr. Nostrum
...which is what would happen, you know, everything's become much more, um, (pause) er, selfishly important. You know, as if what's happened to you is somehow incredibly important, whereas...
Hutchback
You see, there we go, we started talking about something that required some knowledge...
Dr. Nostrum
Yeah
Hutchback
...and then we had to rapidly stop...
Dr. Nostrum
Yes!
Hutchback
...when we realised neither...
Dr. Nostrum
Cause I.. we don't know enough about...
Hutchback
...neither of us knew anything really...
Dr. Nostrum
...Jane Austen
Hutchback (he was just a better faker)
...about Jane Austen except what we've seen on TV.
Dr. Nostrum
Yeah. Well that's enough. That's enough.
(pause)
Hutchback
So the televised adaptations of great literature, you know (pause) is that the, the final giving up of the ghost of...
Dr. Nostrum
For great literature?
Hutchback
...for any expectation of people reading these books? (pause) cause there's no longer really any reason to read them. (pause) Because, because, um, rather than as, as was said 'that the pictured are better', you know, "I prefer reading books cause the pictures are better"
Dr. Nostrum
Yeah
Hutchback
The reality is that people don't, don't, um, don't actually want to go to that effort.
Dr. Nostrum
I just think you don't have the time.
Hutchback
(beat) And how many great books will you be lying on your death-bed thinking – I never read War and Peace – I never read, um...
Dr. Nostrum
Well, only the people that give a shit about it.
Hutchback
...I never read Franz Kafka, I never read...
Dr. Nostrum
I d.. well (pause) I did read Franz Kafka.
Hutchback
Well may.. yeah, I've read a bit of Franz Kafka, but alright, but I never read...
Dr. Nostrum
I read a bit of Fr..
Hutchback
Finnegan's Wake... (playing the deathbed regret) "I never read Finnegan's Wake."
Dr. Nostrum
I read Finnegan's Wake!
Hutchback
Did you?
Dr. Nostrum
Yeah
Hutchback
What a waste of time that was.
Dr. Nostrum
Well it wasn't a waste of time, it was just, impossible.
Hutchback
Well there you go. Did you finish it?
Dr. Nostrum
I imagine it was a lot harder for me to..
Hutchback
Alright, I never read Thomas Pynchon, I never..
Dr. Nostrum
I read that too!
Hutchback (instantly, frustrated)
Alright.
Dr. Nostrum (amused)
No, and a bit.. none of this, you know.. it's just, the thing is is that.. it's not.. I did all, you know, lot's of people read lots of stuff and you read a lot more than me probably, just different stuff, and I don't do it anymore, but not because I don't wanna read it, just because I...
Hutchback
Can't be bothered.
Dr. Nostrum
...I'm doing other stuff. Yeah, I can't be bothered. I'd rather sit around doing something else.
Hutchback
Yeah...
Dr. Nostrum
Cause there's more stuff to do, so maybe what's just happened is there's more stuff to do now.
Hutchback
Hmm, 'The garbage'.
Dr. Nostrum
Yeah, you gotta put out the garbage.
Dr. Nostrum
(beat) Anyway, that was your idea, but what I thought (pause) would be (longer pause) interesting (pause) not that we could do it today, (yet another pause) but why don't we just...(e.t.c.) create that series... that we tried to start writing... on podcasts? Not in terms of the finished article, but actually the Creation Of The Series is the podcast?
Hutchback
Ok, that's possible.
Dr. Nostrum
Cos that's actually not a bad theme. You know, two people who don't know what they're doing, creating a TV programme that no-one will ever make.
Hutchback
Hmm. Mm. Okay, that's, uhm...
Dr. Nostrum
I mean that's... That's different
Hutchback
Haven't.. haven't we done it all already?
Dr. Nostrum (spluttering)
Well, what we.. Yeah but.. yuh.. wuh.. This is.. what I'm saying is.. it's, er.. it's.. revisionist. Is that you can come back, with actually, you can come back with your scripts and say.. and look at it, or improve on it, or make it worse, one or the other.
Hutchback (eating chocolate now)
Mm. mm.. mm.
Dr. Nostrum
But as an idea (pause) it is a better idea than just recreating someone else's talking about rubbish.
Hutchback
Mm, mm. Mm. (finished) Maybe. Well, yeah, I guess once.. but that was, a theme.
Dr. Nostrum (irritated)
Yeah, yeah, I know it was a theme!
Hutchback
Like: The Worst Reality TV Show Imaginable. Or the worst collection of reality TV shows
Dr. Nostrum
Well yeah, that's where you start, but then, but what the theme becomes is, eventually becomes, is who the people are isn't it? Which is what the programme would be.
Hutchback
Hmm.
Dr. Nostrum
Same as writing a book, it's not actually about... well, depends what it is. (beat) and in fact someone was pointing out – I overheard this and have probably got it wrong – but a very different thing about literature now, than literature say, up to the Second World War, is that great literature used to be, mainly about (here comes a halting explanation) the behaviour that, people were, forced into, rather that, and you know, which was an external thing, so heroes were heroes cause they went out and did thing whereas now, now we write about internal dialogues whereas you used to write about, you know, great themes used to be external things, you know, what happened around people and big events But now they're like little tiny things about just, oh, "I feel terrible and that's important because I'm, er, I'm emotional."
Hutchback
What about Jane Austen?
Dr. Nostrum
(despite never having read a Jane Austen book in his life)
Well, er, Jane Austen, er, a thing of her time was, er, subject to all the, er (pause) the er, (pause) the problems that, of 'the woman's life', I suppose.
Hutchback
Yeah...
Dr. Nostrum
Whereas now...
Hutchback
Not exactly 'great events'
Dr. Nostrum
No, no, but Jane Austen, if someone wrote Jane Austen stuff now it would just.. it would be
much more, um, (pause - searches for the word) bitter.
Hutchback (thinks)
Hmm
Dr. Nostrum
Wouldn't it?
Hutchback
Yeah. Because we are now cynical
Dr. Nostrum
Yeah. That's.. that's all
Hutchback
But they were cy.. But there were also cynics back then.
Dr. Nostrum
Yeah
Hutchback
You know, Darcy is, to some extent, a cynic.
Dr. Nostrum (making it up)
Yeah, but she's not making fun of him...
Hutchback
No
Dr. Nostrum
...which is what would happen, you know, everything's become much more, um, (pause) er, selfishly important. You know, as if what's happened to you is somehow incredibly important, whereas...
Hutchback
You see, there we go, we started talking about something that required some knowledge...
Dr. Nostrum
Yeah
Hutchback
...and then we had to rapidly stop...
Dr. Nostrum
Yes!
Hutchback
...when we realised neither...
Dr. Nostrum
Cause I.. we don't know enough about...
Hutchback
...neither of us knew anything really...
Dr. Nostrum
...Jane Austen
Hutchback (he was just a better faker)
...about Jane Austen except what we've seen on TV.
Dr. Nostrum
Yeah. Well that's enough. That's enough.
(pause)
Hutchback
So the televised adaptations of great literature, you know (pause) is that the, the final giving up of the ghost of...
Dr. Nostrum
For great literature?
Hutchback
...for any expectation of people reading these books? (pause) cause there's no longer really any reason to read them. (pause) Because, because, um, rather than as, as was said 'that the pictured are better', you know, "I prefer reading books cause the pictures are better"
Dr. Nostrum
Yeah
Hutchback
The reality is that people don't, don't, um, don't actually want to go to that effort.
Dr. Nostrum
I just think you don't have the time.
Hutchback
(beat) And how many great books will you be lying on your death-bed thinking – I never read War and Peace – I never read, um...
Dr. Nostrum
Well, only the people that give a shit about it.
Hutchback
...I never read Franz Kafka, I never read...
Dr. Nostrum
I d.. well (pause) I did read Franz Kafka.
Hutchback
Well may.. yeah, I've read a bit of Franz Kafka, but alright, but I never read...
Dr. Nostrum
I read a bit of Fr..
Hutchback
Finnegan's Wake... (playing the deathbed regret) "I never read Finnegan's Wake."
Dr. Nostrum
I read Finnegan's Wake!
Hutchback
Did you?
Dr. Nostrum
Yeah
Hutchback
What a waste of time that was.
Dr. Nostrum
Well it wasn't a waste of time, it was just, impossible.
Hutchback
Well there you go. Did you finish it?
Dr. Nostrum
I imagine it was a lot harder for me to..
Hutchback
Alright, I never read Thomas Pynchon, I never..
Dr. Nostrum
I read that too!
Hutchback (instantly, frustrated)
Alright.
Dr. Nostrum (amused)
No, and a bit.. none of this, you know.. it's just, the thing is is that.. it's not.. I did all, you know, lot's of people read lots of stuff and you read a lot more than me probably, just different stuff, and I don't do it anymore, but not because I don't wanna read it, just because I...
Hutchback
Can't be bothered.
Dr. Nostrum
...I'm doing other stuff. Yeah, I can't be bothered. I'd rather sit around doing something else.
Hutchback
Yeah...
Dr. Nostrum
Cause there's more stuff to do, so maybe what's just happened is there's more stuff to do now.
Hutchback
Hmm, 'The garbage'.
Dr. Nostrum
Yeah, you gotta put out the garbage.
All Talk 1 - Secrets Of The Universe
23/11/08
Hutchback
That could be actually what we're doing (beat) Now, look at this – Potatoes, (pause) dami.. or corn damages the environment
Dr. Nostrum
Yeah I know
Hutchback
What next? The environment damages the environment.
Dr. Nostrum (still eating crisps)
That was the old erm, (pause) It's that good thing that what were actually doing now is we're growing food for cars. So we're actually feeding cars...
Hutchback (now he's eating the crisps)
Mm
Dr. Nostrum
And they figured, oh what was it, I was actually reading this, that they, they figured it cost (pause) something like, filling up a tank of, of petrol is about a years worth of food for someone who, who doesn't eat much in Africa you know?
Hutchback
Mm (pause) so you should just ride Africans (pause) cos then it would cost less in fuel.
Dr. Nostrum
Yeah, and in fact you could pay them, and they could buy their own fuel
Hutchback
Mm
Dr. Nostrum
No, but it was saying that, you know, cleverly, cleverly we've created more equality.
Hutchback
Inequality
Dr. Nostrum
More inequality (pause) It won't last, it's not, it's not erm...
Hutchback
Ah! There you go, apparently they're revealing the secret of the universe in today's Guardian.
Dr. Nostrum
Oh, really?
Hutchback
Shall I find out what it is? (rummages through paper for it)
Dr. Nostrum
Yeah, go on. (pause) you probably have to call up a number and they, they post it to you, or something, or you have to ring in and...
Hutchback
It's one of those, you know, 80p a minute and you spend ages and ages just talking about some sort of philosophical mumbo jumbo...
Dr. Nostrum
Well, no, no, you call up and they tell you about all the great things that they've got, you know, and then press a button if you want to continue...
Hutchback
Mm
Dr. Nostrum
...and all that sort of thing
Hutchback
"For Secrets of The Universe press 1"
Dr. Nostrum
"You have been listening to..." you know, the end of the call is you have been listening to...
Hutchback
"To God"
Dr. Nostrum
...to the Secrets of, er, the meaning of life.
Hutchback
Ok, here we go (has located a supplement)
Dr. Nostrum
Is that it?
Hutchback
(puts it back) That was the wrong supplement, this one's actually about camping, I don't think the secret of the universe is about Cotswold walking equipment and clothing, but here we go (with the correct supplement) Part 1, The Universe. It's amazing actually, they've managed to uhm, condense it into 23 pages.
Dr. Nostrum
23
Hutchback
Well, there you go.
Dr. Nostrum
He would've liked that
Hutchback
But still...
Dr. Nostrum
Did you see that film?
Hutchback
No, what a terrible film it would have been.
Dr. Nostrum
It started allright, it became terrible.
Hutchback
It was just a killer film, a stupid killing film...
Dr. Nostrum
Not really, it was, it was, it was just like um, it was like a cross between (pause – thinks) Fight Club and er...
Hutchback
The Wizard of Oz
Dr. Nostrum
Nah, no, it wasn't that clever. It was.. they took the clever bit from Fight Club, which wasn't that clever in fact even in Fight Club, about someone arguing with them-self...
Hutchback
Mm
Dr. Nostrum
...and they crossed it with er, um, (pause), nothing, (pause) nothing in particular, something meaningless.
Hutchback
Driller Killer
Dr. Nostrum
Well, no, it wasn't a thriller, driller at all...
Hutchback
Wasn't it?
Dr. Nostrum
No, it was just this guy wakes up and things start going wrong and he finds this book...
Hutchback
That has all the 23 mysteries...
Dr. Nostrum
...written by, written by, this was good...
Hutchback
Written by Robert Anton Wilson
Dr. Nostrum
No, no, written by Topsy Krets...
Hutchback (ridiculing it)
Topsy, Topsy Krets!
(Dr. Nostrum laughs)
Hutchback
Yeah...
Dr. Nostrum
So, you know, that's great (pause) and anyway, this book drives him nuts
Hutchback
Written by (pause) Terry Bullpun
Dr. Nostrum
Written by Norma Stits (long pause) That was my favourite.
Hutchback
Norma Stits
Dr. Nostrum
A bit of the Two Ronnies stuff
Hutchback
No, that was um...
Together
Spike Milligan
Dr. Nostrum
Yeah, yeah, but it was in The Phantom Raspberry Blower Of London Town he always used to cast Norma Stits as er, she was on the credits as the girl who burst in
Hutchback
Still, (beat) to go back to the Secrets of The Universe (pause) I find it, er, er, quite telling...
Dr. Nostrum
How many parts?
Hutchback
...that the entire.. The, the Part 1, The Universe
Dr. Nostrum
Everything we know
Hutchback
Everything we know, in 23 pages. I guess it's everything we know that would be of interest to idiots (pause) to anyone but...
Dr. Nostrum
You don't think they pitch it...
Hutchback
...but a scientist.
Dr. Nostrum
Do you think they pitch it at Guardian readers?
Hutchback
They, yes, they are, um, clearly. (pause) Anyway, there's 6 more parts.
Dr. Nostrum
Oh! it's 7 books though...
Hutchback
Yeah
Dr. Nostrum
...so it's 7 books (pause – thinks)
Hutchback
So it's you know...
Dr. Nostrum
at 23 pages.. (can't work it out)
Hutchback
...a hundred and, a hundred and sixty pages.
(beat)
Dr. Nostrum
That's probably more than, than, more than we need to know (pause) wouldn't
Hutchback
That could be actually what we're doing (beat) Now, look at this – Potatoes, (pause) dami.. or corn damages the environment
Dr. Nostrum
Yeah I know
Hutchback
What next? The environment damages the environment.
Dr. Nostrum (still eating crisps)
That was the old erm, (pause) It's that good thing that what were actually doing now is we're growing food for cars. So we're actually feeding cars...
Hutchback (now he's eating the crisps)
Mm
Dr. Nostrum
And they figured, oh what was it, I was actually reading this, that they, they figured it cost (pause) something like, filling up a tank of, of petrol is about a years worth of food for someone who, who doesn't eat much in Africa you know?
Hutchback
Mm (pause) so you should just ride Africans (pause) cos then it would cost less in fuel.
Dr. Nostrum
Yeah, and in fact you could pay them, and they could buy their own fuel
Hutchback
Mm
Dr. Nostrum
No, but it was saying that, you know, cleverly, cleverly we've created more equality.
Hutchback
Inequality
Dr. Nostrum
More inequality (pause) It won't last, it's not, it's not erm...
Hutchback
Ah! There you go, apparently they're revealing the secret of the universe in today's Guardian.
Dr. Nostrum
Oh, really?
Hutchback
Shall I find out what it is? (rummages through paper for it)
Dr. Nostrum
Yeah, go on. (pause) you probably have to call up a number and they, they post it to you, or something, or you have to ring in and...
Hutchback
It's one of those, you know, 80p a minute and you spend ages and ages just talking about some sort of philosophical mumbo jumbo...
Dr. Nostrum
Well, no, no, you call up and they tell you about all the great things that they've got, you know, and then press a button if you want to continue...
Hutchback
Mm
Dr. Nostrum
...and all that sort of thing
Hutchback
"For Secrets of The Universe press 1"
Dr. Nostrum
"You have been listening to..." you know, the end of the call is you have been listening to...
Hutchback
"To God"
Dr. Nostrum
...to the Secrets of, er, the meaning of life.
Hutchback
Ok, here we go (has located a supplement)
Dr. Nostrum
Is that it?
Hutchback
(puts it back) That was the wrong supplement, this one's actually about camping, I don't think the secret of the universe is about Cotswold walking equipment and clothing, but here we go (with the correct supplement) Part 1, The Universe. It's amazing actually, they've managed to uhm, condense it into 23 pages.
Dr. Nostrum
23
Hutchback
Well, there you go.
Dr. Nostrum
He would've liked that
Hutchback
But still...
Dr. Nostrum
Did you see that film?
Hutchback
No, what a terrible film it would have been.
Dr. Nostrum
It started allright, it became terrible.
Hutchback
It was just a killer film, a stupid killing film...
Dr. Nostrum
Not really, it was, it was, it was just like um, it was like a cross between (pause – thinks) Fight Club and er...
Hutchback
The Wizard of Oz
Dr. Nostrum
Nah, no, it wasn't that clever. It was.. they took the clever bit from Fight Club, which wasn't that clever in fact even in Fight Club, about someone arguing with them-self...
Hutchback
Mm
Dr. Nostrum
...and they crossed it with er, um, (pause), nothing, (pause) nothing in particular, something meaningless.
Hutchback
Driller Killer
Dr. Nostrum
Well, no, it wasn't a thriller, driller at all...
Hutchback
Wasn't it?
Dr. Nostrum
No, it was just this guy wakes up and things start going wrong and he finds this book...
Hutchback
That has all the 23 mysteries...
Dr. Nostrum
...written by, written by, this was good...
Hutchback
Written by Robert Anton Wilson
Dr. Nostrum
No, no, written by Topsy Krets...
Hutchback (ridiculing it)
Topsy, Topsy Krets!
(Dr. Nostrum laughs)
Hutchback
Yeah...
Dr. Nostrum
So, you know, that's great (pause) and anyway, this book drives him nuts
Hutchback
Written by (pause) Terry Bullpun
Dr. Nostrum
Written by Norma Stits (long pause) That was my favourite.
Hutchback
Norma Stits
Dr. Nostrum
A bit of the Two Ronnies stuff
Hutchback
No, that was um...
Together
Spike Milligan
Dr. Nostrum
Yeah, yeah, but it was in The Phantom Raspberry Blower Of London Town he always used to cast Norma Stits as er, she was on the credits as the girl who burst in
Hutchback
Still, (beat) to go back to the Secrets of The Universe (pause) I find it, er, er, quite telling...
Dr. Nostrum
How many parts?
Hutchback
...that the entire.. The, the Part 1, The Universe
Dr. Nostrum
Everything we know
Hutchback
Everything we know, in 23 pages. I guess it's everything we know that would be of interest to idiots (pause) to anyone but...
Dr. Nostrum
You don't think they pitch it...
Hutchback
...but a scientist.
Dr. Nostrum
Do you think they pitch it at Guardian readers?
Hutchback
They, yes, they are, um, clearly. (pause) Anyway, there's 6 more parts.
Dr. Nostrum
Oh! it's 7 books though...
Hutchback
Yeah
Dr. Nostrum
...so it's 7 books (pause – thinks)
Hutchback
So it's you know...
Dr. Nostrum
at 23 pages.. (can't work it out)
Hutchback
...a hundred and, a hundred and sixty pages.
(beat)
Dr. Nostrum
That's probably more than, than, more than we need to know (pause) wouldn't
Radio 4 Highlight of the Year
19/11/08
Auntie pushed the boat even further out than you'd have thought for 11/11, not only did we have Rolf Harris (still humming that tune?) but this gem was broadcast on the jewel in the crown and if you hurry you can still catch it as a podcast if you missed it.
"Radio 4 podcast: Armistice Day Silence - Armistice Day Silence
The traditional two-minute silence to mark Armistice Day."
Now that's Broadcasting!
Dr Nostrum's profile page will be playing it on a loop non stop from here on in.
Just wondering - have any of you tried the Asian Brides on the logout page, I was thinking of it but I wasn't sure I wanted to take on the extra expense for the rest of my life, still, if any of you readers find them useful, I'd love to hear about it.
Auntie pushed the boat even further out than you'd have thought for 11/11, not only did we have Rolf Harris (still humming that tune?) but this gem was broadcast on the jewel in the crown and if you hurry you can still catch it as a podcast if you missed it.
"Radio 4 podcast: Armistice Day Silence - Armistice Day Silence
The traditional two-minute silence to mark Armistice Day."
Now that's Broadcasting!
Dr Nostrum's profile page will be playing it on a loop non stop from here on in.
Just wondering - have any of you tried the Asian Brides on the logout page, I was thinking of it but I wasn't sure I wanted to take on the extra expense for the rest of my life, still, if any of you readers find them useful, I'd love to hear about it.
Elvis Presley, Elvis Presley
19/11/08
Elvis Presley? Elvis Presley! Lemme tell you 'bout Elvis Presley. (pause) Now (pause) Elvis, he din' do nuthin' but liberate the white people's fanny! Before Elvis Presley no white man moved on stage (pause) 'n he din' do more than move but one foot! He couldn' play his guitar, din' write no songs an' cause he shook his ass on national television n' he wuz white, (pause) they called him The King of Rock N' Roll! (long pause) The King of Rock N' Roll! Shit! Little Richard wuz rockin' all his life.
Elvis Presley? Elvis Presley! Lemme tell you 'bout Elvis Presley. (pause) Now (pause) Elvis, he din' do nuthin' but liberate the white people's fanny! Before Elvis Presley no white man moved on stage (pause) 'n he din' do more than move but one foot! He couldn' play his guitar, din' write no songs an' cause he shook his ass on national television n' he wuz white, (pause) they called him The King of Rock N' Roll! (long pause) The King of Rock N' Roll! Shit! Little Richard wuz rockin' all his life.
A moment’s Pleasure
Just couldn't leave today without enjoying Charlie Brooker 'interviewed' in a free paper 1/4 page article directly underneath another 1/4 page devoted to that other free-wheeling thinker of our time: Osama Bin Laden.
There's a word for that, but I'll have to wait for Charlie's erudition to bring it to mind, for I am a mere figment of print media's imagination.
And no, I couldn't give a monkey's about where the apostrophe's go! (he types in a fit of ironic stupidity)
There's a word for that, but I'll have to wait for Charlie's erudition to bring it to mind, for I am a mere figment of print media's imagination.
And no, I couldn't give a monkey's about where the apostrophe's go! (he types in a fit of ironic stupidity)
A Fitting Tribute
12/11/08
Ah, Dear old Auntie.
The BBC gave such a moving salute to Armistice day on prime-time tonight. After a deep and meaningful investigation into the fate of long dead relatives of the famous, they being Rolf Harris and Kirsty Wark, we finish with Rolf, singing 'Two Little Boys' with a male voice choir (Rolf up front, singing lead baritone, softly, colla voce, emoting for all he was worth), you could see he was contemplative, moved even, behind the over-acting.
Cried; I nearly split my sides.
Ah, Dear old Auntie.
The BBC gave such a moving salute to Armistice day on prime-time tonight. After a deep and meaningful investigation into the fate of long dead relatives of the famous, they being Rolf Harris and Kirsty Wark, we finish with Rolf, singing 'Two Little Boys' with a male voice choir (Rolf up front, singing lead baritone, softly, colla voce, emoting for all he was worth), you could see he was contemplative, moved even, behind the over-acting.
Cried; I nearly split my sides.
Talk your way in and talk your way out
Write! wrote William Goldman, and all the writer's reading went and wrote. Sit, and undertake the business of channeling your thoughts into some semblance of creation. Dr Nostrum can imagine a (far?) future where the thoughts themselves are the media and those that think the thoughts are the studios, where actors and actresses are engaged in getting themselves thought about by the thinker so that when the thinker has thunk something wonderful the faces that sprang to mind were they.
It would be truly liberating to have to create nothing but your thoughts, not to have to fuck your way in, up, down and out of a career. Not to have to explain, by means of translation, what is in your head that is so fucking amazing and why can't you see that you dumb motherfucker who i have to get through to get any further. All art thus becomes possible for all, no training is necessary, though the training will now become how to think clearer, surer, with purpose and with confidence.
Ah, shit, I can see it all now, there's no real difference. the thoughts will be moulded, packaged and sold with just as many leeches as now. A piece of work would take coherent thinking to pull together into a production, would have to be edited (ok, start thinking just before where you left off and i'll punch you in). All we're losing is the work of making our limbs, orifices and machines explanatory.
Still, I reckon it will happen and if you're reading this in that future, figure out who it was that wrote this and hurry up and resurrect me you cunt!
x
It would be truly liberating to have to create nothing but your thoughts, not to have to fuck your way in, up, down and out of a career. Not to have to explain, by means of translation, what is in your head that is so fucking amazing and why can't you see that you dumb motherfucker who i have to get through to get any further. All art thus becomes possible for all, no training is necessary, though the training will now become how to think clearer, surer, with purpose and with confidence.
Ah, shit, I can see it all now, there's no real difference. the thoughts will be moulded, packaged and sold with just as many leeches as now. A piece of work would take coherent thinking to pull together into a production, would have to be edited (ok, start thinking just before where you left off and i'll punch you in). All we're losing is the work of making our limbs, orifices and machines explanatory.
Still, I reckon it will happen and if you're reading this in that future, figure out who it was that wrote this and hurry up and resurrect me you cunt!
x
Menu of Pleasure
10/11/08
Dr Nostrum enjoyed a lovely lunch in Crouch End yesterday. Most of all I enjoyed repeated 'Shots of white protein (90p)'. I simply couldn't get enough of it and I must say today my hair and skin are lustrous and smooth.
It must be easy to make to be able to sell it so cheaply, and they never ran out, but i can't find it anywhere on the Supermarket shelves.
If I could just figure out how to make it myself I'd be drinking it every day.
Dr Nostrum enjoyed a lovely lunch in Crouch End yesterday. Most of all I enjoyed repeated 'Shots of white protein (90p)'. I simply couldn't get enough of it and I must say today my hair and skin are lustrous and smooth.
It must be easy to make to be able to sell it so cheaply, and they never ran out, but i can't find it anywhere on the Supermarket shelves.
If I could just figure out how to make it myself I'd be drinking it every day.
Tyrant TYRA the Dullard Llama
10/11/08
The endless precession of 'America's Next Top Model' continues. At some indefinable point in the future, given what must be a constant filming process, with no gaps on the conveyor belt allowed, every girl will at one time have been one of the winners.
Dr Nostrum has rumbled the purpose of the show. It is a flimsy sham to get TYRA BANKS into the collective unconscious. Each series has seen a ramping up of Tyra's lessons in life (put simply, the lesson is that anything you can do, Tyra has done better). These lesson's are more and more frequently accompanied by vapid homilies, for yes, in the beginning the was the word and the word was TYRA.
Thing is, with the collection of bitching insects needing succor around her (save, strangely for Nigel Barker, perhaps a Judas in waiting if he were ever to come to his senses) any opportunity to preach down is never knowingly missed, and believe me, the preaching is always DOWN, for she literally stands on a pedestal to make sure of it (or has the girls in a trench - either works) frequently preceded by the faux unself-conscious performance of how they should have done it.
With the koan like pearls of banality that drip from her glossy lips wrapping up the show after axing one of the stooges more becomes clear: It is simply ego given it's head.
Wanna be on top? Not of you.
Still, I'm sure the feeling's mutual.
The endless precession of 'America's Next Top Model' continues. At some indefinable point in the future, given what must be a constant filming process, with no gaps on the conveyor belt allowed, every girl will at one time have been one of the winners.
Dr Nostrum has rumbled the purpose of the show. It is a flimsy sham to get TYRA BANKS into the collective unconscious. Each series has seen a ramping up of Tyra's lessons in life (put simply, the lesson is that anything you can do, Tyra has done better). These lesson's are more and more frequently accompanied by vapid homilies, for yes, in the beginning the was the word and the word was TYRA.
Thing is, with the collection of bitching insects needing succor around her (save, strangely for Nigel Barker, perhaps a Judas in waiting if he were ever to come to his senses) any opportunity to preach down is never knowingly missed, and believe me, the preaching is always DOWN, for she literally stands on a pedestal to make sure of it (or has the girls in a trench - either works) frequently preceded by the faux unself-conscious performance of how they should have done it.
With the koan like pearls of banality that drip from her glossy lips wrapping up the show after axing one of the stooges more becomes clear: It is simply ego given it's head.
Wanna be on top? Not of you.
Still, I'm sure the feeling's mutual.
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