There - claiming my real hidden title, not often you get a 'tchkn' in a word, except, one imagines, those written by drunk Russians.
So my little jaunt across the Le Mange, or whatever it is these Frenchies call the Channel, is over. A journey, the Doctor reliably informs me, of 3 hours has taken considerably longer. It must have been some navigational mishap or pirates amidship, or something darker and more devious, but I will one day get to the bottom of my peculiar trip to France and my endurance testing return.
For some reason the Doctor has taken a new approach to my discipline and mentoring. Rather than the regular and vicious beatings that I am used to he has somewhat mellowed and is now using me for a footstool in his parlour. His slovely ways are also a boon for when he drops the super noodles as they pass between fork and lip I can easily gobble them up off the Axminster before he notices. My new position has enabled me to enjoy TV for the first time in months and I am relieved to see the return of the finest art of our time - Celebrity Big Brother.
Lacking only the addition of starving lions this is the Hutchknacks favourite broadcast. And this particular series throws up the most imaginative fantasies of sexual congress imaginable. Verne who is well known for his drunken urination feats on previous reality shows holds particular promise. It isn't clear whether he would ever appear on 'Bangamidget.com' as the midgets being banged all appear to be female, although at that scale it can be hard to tell.
This does lead to some interesting mulling over the relative size of things in the trouser department, and it all comes down, one imagines to whether the short person in question is a dwarf or a midget. For as we all know from 'The Office' (UK version) a midget is small in proportion, whereas a Dwarf is short with standard sized head, hand, feet etc. The devil being in the etc. of course.
But let it not be said that the Hutchknack, deformed as he is in mind and body, fixates on those who are physically marginal, the biggest freakery on show was no doubt LaToya's casual referencing of her Mafia connected ex-husband's wife beating antics. She like Jermaine before her and of course the Michael betray very few signs of being human at all. One can barely imagine the fatherly conduct that created such a brood of space elves.
I am particularly enjoying the clodhopping courtship of the ethereal LaToya by the Celestial Gangster Coolio, a man for whom the words, "Shut up, fuck off and die" are interpreted by his brain as a call of "Encore, Maestro!"
Sunday, 18 January 2009
Celebrity Big Brother Annual Attempt At Michael Jackson Misses Again
Dr. Nostrum can see through the casting as another attempt to lure Michael Jackson into the house falls narrowly wide as they shoot and hit Latoya - who I have been calling Janet most of the week.
It's not a good cast really, lit up wonderfully by Coolio, who is both an annoying asshole and a dead eyed killer, although another dead eyed killer was missed in the Paparazzi task this week as he was hoisted over the wall on a crane. Perhaps if they had used Iranian crane hoisting methods Barrymore would have been spotted? In one of the ad breaks he scarily appeared behind whoever it is that is deadpanning for the Big Mouth bit that I have never seen "Look Out! Look Out!" I screamed at the television. "Look out or you'll end up raped and found dead in a swimming pool!" but the guy never turned round.
Meanwhile back on the main show; Mutya and Tina have been lounging around in the big ashtray like two bored and tired hookers bemused at their inclusion, Ben and Michelle are ex-pop starring and boring us; Terry seemingly couldn't find an elderly gentleman to bend over for, he acts as if he's waiting for Alan Bennett (who Dr. Nostrum has been writing country music with periodically over the last year); Verne plays the Aahh toy for female viewers - no sign yet of the vicious ankle biter the press has made him; Ulrika and Latoya compete for whose face will sag last, both faces are clearly slowly heading south after having been pumped and frozen just before going in, but whose injections will prove to be the strongest? - It's one of the more interesting reasons to stay tuned. In the Scottish politician category, Tommy doesn't have the Galloway ego but though he does a passable Marcel Marceau impression in a leotard, Galloway has him (and most of the planet) beat in that department too. Lucy has gone, she was there to do what?? Another Tit models who wants us to know she's more than a Tit model so she can do non Tit model work. And lastly Coolio plays them all as the Big Brother Nero, but Latoya the least, watching them together is a real life "Love is..." Janet bats her eyelids as her night in shining armour boldly goes into battle to piss off the unknown English 'talent' and bring her back their broken spirits.
Coolio to win - driving out on Verne's car.
I believe Hutchback has a different take.
It's not a good cast really, lit up wonderfully by Coolio, who is both an annoying asshole and a dead eyed killer, although another dead eyed killer was missed in the Paparazzi task this week as he was hoisted over the wall on a crane. Perhaps if they had used Iranian crane hoisting methods Barrymore would have been spotted? In one of the ad breaks he scarily appeared behind whoever it is that is deadpanning for the Big Mouth bit that I have never seen "Look Out! Look Out!" I screamed at the television. "Look out or you'll end up raped and found dead in a swimming pool!" but the guy never turned round.
Meanwhile back on the main show; Mutya and Tina have been lounging around in the big ashtray like two bored and tired hookers bemused at their inclusion, Ben and Michelle are ex-pop starring and boring us; Terry seemingly couldn't find an elderly gentleman to bend over for, he acts as if he's waiting for Alan Bennett (who Dr. Nostrum has been writing country music with periodically over the last year); Verne plays the Aahh toy for female viewers - no sign yet of the vicious ankle biter the press has made him; Ulrika and Latoya compete for whose face will sag last, both faces are clearly slowly heading south after having been pumped and frozen just before going in, but whose injections will prove to be the strongest? - It's one of the more interesting reasons to stay tuned. In the Scottish politician category, Tommy doesn't have the Galloway ego but though he does a passable Marcel Marceau impression in a leotard, Galloway has him (and most of the planet) beat in that department too. Lucy has gone, she was there to do what?? Another Tit models who wants us to know she's more than a Tit model so she can do non Tit model work. And lastly Coolio plays them all as the Big Brother Nero, but Latoya the least, watching them together is a real life "Love is..." Janet bats her eyelids as her night in shining armour boldly goes into battle to piss off the unknown English 'talent' and bring her back their broken spirits.
Coolio to win - driving out on Verne's car.
I believe Hutchback has a different take.
Suicidal? We Need You!
A warm invitation in the ad break on Big Bro this evening (and others no doubt) "Become a Teacher, you can earn £20 thousand a year - and the banter's not bad either." They've cut to the nub of the education issue in one blind stab. Unless it was in a subliminal message there was no mention at all about educating children, nothing, nada. Just a shot of some poncy X factor reject slouching back on a chair as kids walked into a room (The Doctor thought he was one of the students) and one of the kids teasing him about a football result - dialogue free acting well scripted for it's simplicity, even having the sleight of hand to make me realise that the teacher is not some old dodderer, but probably a student not long ago and not as remote from the class as teachers once were. But the voice over was a coup de grace. Succinct and to the point. Who gives a fuck about anything but money and pissing about? And they can apply it to nearly any profession - You can earn £20 grand a year and the banter's not bad either; Dustmen; Builder; Prison Officer; Magician and I would have said Prositute but the pay's too low.
There was an ad, from what must have been the same agency, posted on bus shelters not too long ago. I didn't last long but it too fell on a profound truth "No Job, No Income, No Prospect - Join The Army" Now that's a great ad! They could have gone further I believe but I wasn't in on the copy - "Suicidally Depressed? - Join The Army, we'll kill yourself for you."
There was an ad, from what must have been the same agency, posted on bus shelters not too long ago. I didn't last long but it too fell on a profound truth "No Job, No Income, No Prospect - Join The Army" Now that's a great ad! They could have gone further I believe but I wasn't in on the copy - "Suicidally Depressed? - Join The Army, we'll kill yourself for you."
Dr Nostrum’s Fuck You Paul McKenna Second Portion Blues
I have been tuning in to I CAN MAKE YOU THIN with Paul McKenna. Is it just me or does watching this programme make you hungry?
Somewhere in the last five years Paul McKenna has become a TV Carpet Salesman, and fulfills the American generic by talking loudly and over-excitedly, over-emoting whenever possible. It looks like pastiche, but I believe he has brainwashed himself into believing this is how you present American TV. What he's doing, of course, was invented by my great grand-daddy, who used to sell the family potion off the back of wagons.
There are several staggering contradictions in this program's hour that just will not go away, along with the pervading sense of cheapness that riddles the broadcast, plastered in to the UK schedule lock, stock and barrel off the American airwaves.
The most annoying of these is the near constant reminder from Paul that this is not one of those shows where we (the TV audience) watch other people get thin, immediately followed by introducing us to other people who have lost weight or who we are going to be following losing weight across the series. He does this so many times I can only conclude that he will soon be running for Prime Minister. But anyway, everyone we meet who has lost weight "LOOKS GREAT!!"
The second is down to automaton scheduled advertising where we get Diets sold to us in the ad breaks straight after Paul tells us Diets don't work. I mean you have to be tuning in to Paul McKenna on purpose, right, or at least stick with it on purpose, so whatever demographic it is that the automatons think would purchase one of these Diet products, I'd like to meet them and sell them George Bush's soul - you can keep it in your pocket and use it like worry beads.
There is a grain of usefulness in the show misapplied if it does what it says on the tin. It is a 'not a distraction technique' to help you stabilise the emotions that make you eat when you don't want to, in audience tests it reduces the craving to eat when in an highly emotional state from a 10 to 0. I tried doing it with him, but found it very distracting and couldn't follow what he was showing me. BUT, if this works, what are they doing using it on over-eaters? This should be used on murderers, rapist, paedophiles and genocidists. If only Stalin had sat in the Kremlin and tapped himself calm...
The last contradiction is the clincher, and, properly, it comes first because it's the legal disclaimer that's read out in American blandese ahead of the show and shown for a few seconds at the end. It includes the truths that "results will vary" and that "the program is for entertainment only".
Read that again, because it defines Paul McKenna; entertainment from misery.
So there we have it, another programme that tells people who have forgotten how to behave, how to behave - you know - like religion.
As it was he's making me miserable because being one of those 'naturally thin' people he keeps mentioning (that is, when I don't over-eat for ages or exercise for weeks) I never worry about food, so there I was tucking into my FUCK YOU Paul McKenna second portion when I started chewing my food 20 times and thinking about whether I was full. I couldn't clean my plate and this immediately brought on strong feelings of annoyance and guilt at having watched the Paul McKenna show and subsequently wasting my hard earned on food I was about to throw in the bin.
This life is for entertainment purposes only.
Somewhere in the last five years Paul McKenna has become a TV Carpet Salesman, and fulfills the American generic by talking loudly and over-excitedly, over-emoting whenever possible. It looks like pastiche, but I believe he has brainwashed himself into believing this is how you present American TV. What he's doing, of course, was invented by my great grand-daddy, who used to sell the family potion off the back of wagons.
There are several staggering contradictions in this program's hour that just will not go away, along with the pervading sense of cheapness that riddles the broadcast, plastered in to the UK schedule lock, stock and barrel off the American airwaves.
The most annoying of these is the near constant reminder from Paul that this is not one of those shows where we (the TV audience) watch other people get thin, immediately followed by introducing us to other people who have lost weight or who we are going to be following losing weight across the series. He does this so many times I can only conclude that he will soon be running for Prime Minister. But anyway, everyone we meet who has lost weight "LOOKS GREAT!!"
The second is down to automaton scheduled advertising where we get Diets sold to us in the ad breaks straight after Paul tells us Diets don't work. I mean you have to be tuning in to Paul McKenna on purpose, right, or at least stick with it on purpose, so whatever demographic it is that the automatons think would purchase one of these Diet products, I'd like to meet them and sell them George Bush's soul - you can keep it in your pocket and use it like worry beads.
There is a grain of usefulness in the show misapplied if it does what it says on the tin. It is a 'not a distraction technique' to help you stabilise the emotions that make you eat when you don't want to, in audience tests it reduces the craving to eat when in an highly emotional state from a 10 to 0. I tried doing it with him, but found it very distracting and couldn't follow what he was showing me. BUT, if this works, what are they doing using it on over-eaters? This should be used on murderers, rapist, paedophiles and genocidists. If only Stalin had sat in the Kremlin and tapped himself calm...
The last contradiction is the clincher, and, properly, it comes first because it's the legal disclaimer that's read out in American blandese ahead of the show and shown for a few seconds at the end. It includes the truths that "results will vary" and that "the program is for entertainment only".
Read that again, because it defines Paul McKenna; entertainment from misery.
So there we have it, another programme that tells people who have forgotten how to behave, how to behave - you know - like religion.
As it was he's making me miserable because being one of those 'naturally thin' people he keeps mentioning (that is, when I don't over-eat for ages or exercise for weeks) I never worry about food, so there I was tucking into my FUCK YOU Paul McKenna second portion when I started chewing my food 20 times and thinking about whether I was full. I couldn't clean my plate and this immediately brought on strong feelings of annoyance and guilt at having watched the Paul McKenna show and subsequently wasting my hard earned on food I was about to throw in the bin.
This life is for entertainment purposes only.
All Talk 47 - Tying Together A Few Ideas with Gwen Stefani and Gavin
DR. NOSTRUM
There's a lot that ties up here you know; Cow Calamari.. Not Cow Calamari, er, Stefani Calamari...
HUTCHBACK
Who?
DR. NOSTRUM
Gwen Stefani!
HUTCHBACK
Oh, Stefani.
DR. NOSTRUM
The thing about whale's foreskin's, tantric shitting, everything like that.. and the best bit of the whale being...
HUTCHBACK
It's arsehole.
DR. NOSTRUM
Whereas the best bit of the Calamari is the body. (pause) Stefani Calamari (pause) for Gavin, cos he likes a bit of.. a bit of arsehole.
HUTCHBACK
For who?
DR. NOSTRUM
Gavin, er.. Who's the guy that married her?
HUTCHBACK
I've no idea.
DR. NOSTRUM
Gwen Stefani's married to a guy called Gavin, who was.. what the hell's his name?
HUTCHBACK
I don't think it matters.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, he's quite famous! Anyway he's in Bush, he's the lead singer in Bush.
HUTCHBACK
Oh, er, Gavin, er...
DR. NOSTRUM
Rossdale. Gavin Rossdale.
HUTCHBACK
...Henson. Gavin Henson.
DR. NOSTRUM
Gavin Rossdale likes a bit of.. you know, I was thinking, where they live.. where they live up the road from us. Near them there's lots of these places where they do, er, yoga and stuff like this, but there's also – I was thinking – is there a, um, a what d'you call it, a waxing place to wax her arsehole, because Gavin, probably being partial to Stefani Calamari, would want her to wax her arsehole.
HUTCHBACK
It's an interesting thought. It's definitely an interesting thought and one that we should..
DR. NOSTRUM
Cause all those wiry dark hairs (pause) get in the way (pause) of a smooth entry and exit.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah
DR. NOSTRUM
And, if she could pinch one off (pause) she could trap him.
HUTCHBACK
Cut off the blood supply.
DR. NOSTRUM
Suppose so. It's a good way out of rape – anal rape – if you could practice your tantric shitting enough...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah
DR. NOSTRUM
...you could threaten any racist, er, not racist..
HUTCHBACK
Racist!
DR. NOSTRUM
"Watch out you racist I'm a tantric shitter!"
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, what you do is attach yourself to their knob...
DR. NOSTRUM
That's right – squeeze it off.
HUTCHBACK
...and cut off the blood supply to their brain.
DR. NOSTRUM
Do you think this paints a picture of carefree men of integrity and intelligence?
HUTCHBACK
What?
There's a lot that ties up here you know; Cow Calamari.. Not Cow Calamari, er, Stefani Calamari...
HUTCHBACK
Who?
DR. NOSTRUM
Gwen Stefani!
HUTCHBACK
Oh, Stefani.
DR. NOSTRUM
The thing about whale's foreskin's, tantric shitting, everything like that.. and the best bit of the whale being...
HUTCHBACK
It's arsehole.
DR. NOSTRUM
Whereas the best bit of the Calamari is the body. (pause) Stefani Calamari (pause) for Gavin, cos he likes a bit of.. a bit of arsehole.
HUTCHBACK
For who?
DR. NOSTRUM
Gavin, er.. Who's the guy that married her?
HUTCHBACK
I've no idea.
DR. NOSTRUM
Gwen Stefani's married to a guy called Gavin, who was.. what the hell's his name?
HUTCHBACK
I don't think it matters.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, he's quite famous! Anyway he's in Bush, he's the lead singer in Bush.
HUTCHBACK
Oh, er, Gavin, er...
DR. NOSTRUM
Rossdale. Gavin Rossdale.
HUTCHBACK
...Henson. Gavin Henson.
DR. NOSTRUM
Gavin Rossdale likes a bit of.. you know, I was thinking, where they live.. where they live up the road from us. Near them there's lots of these places where they do, er, yoga and stuff like this, but there's also – I was thinking – is there a, um, a what d'you call it, a waxing place to wax her arsehole, because Gavin, probably being partial to Stefani Calamari, would want her to wax her arsehole.
HUTCHBACK
It's an interesting thought. It's definitely an interesting thought and one that we should..
DR. NOSTRUM
Cause all those wiry dark hairs (pause) get in the way (pause) of a smooth entry and exit.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah
DR. NOSTRUM
And, if she could pinch one off (pause) she could trap him.
HUTCHBACK
Cut off the blood supply.
DR. NOSTRUM
Suppose so. It's a good way out of rape – anal rape – if you could practice your tantric shitting enough...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah
DR. NOSTRUM
...you could threaten any racist, er, not racist..
HUTCHBACK
Racist!
DR. NOSTRUM
"Watch out you racist I'm a tantric shitter!"
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, what you do is attach yourself to their knob...
DR. NOSTRUM
That's right – squeeze it off.
HUTCHBACK
...and cut off the blood supply to their brain.
DR. NOSTRUM
Do you think this paints a picture of carefree men of integrity and intelligence?
HUTCHBACK
What?
All Talk 46 -That BNP Campaign Analyzed and What Happened To All Those NHS Smears
HUTCHBACK
Oh, here we go. (HUTCHBACK brandishes a leaflet recently shoved through the portcullis – it has two comparative pictures of white and non-white street scenes – more of this later)
DR. NOSTRUM
What's this, the secrets of Gosky Borough? Oh, the BNP!
HUTCHBACK
The BNP, yes.
DR. NOSTRUM
Is that them at the bottom?
HUTCHBACK
What do you mean is that them at the bottom! It's a load of angry..
DR. NOSTRUM
That's great, what a good picture! I think that's quite an improvement, I mean look at the ugly mugs on the women at the top there.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
At least they've got the good grace to...
TOGETHER
...cover themselves up.
DR. NOSTRUM
...so we don't have to look at their ugly mugs.
HUTCHBACK
And look, that's The Great British V Sign there.
DR. NOSTRUM
I like that, it is a very good picture. I don't understand, so are they proposing that this is worse, or better?
HUTCHBACK
Of course it's worse!
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, it's not worse is it!
HUTCHBACK
No, of course they're saying it's worse.
DR. NOSTRUM
But to me, at the bottom you've got less people...
HUTCHBACK
Ye-uh.
DR. NOSTRUM
...so that is a great improvement.
HUTCHBACK
It is a great improvement, you've got more..
DR. NOSTRUM
You've got less people
HUTCHBACK
...there are more cars.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, you've got less people standing around with rubbish. (The DR. finally remembers the listener) We're jus.. Just to describe the, er, BNP Londoner – Putting London First, there's a before and after shot and the before shot is, um, a black and white which looks like the, probably the V.E. day party or something like that, with people standing around in black and white, with a lot of crap on tables...
HUTCHBACK
Although...
DR. NOSTRUM
...No men, there's no men...
HUTCHBACK
Mm.
DR. NOSTRUM
There's a lot of women and children...
HUTCHBACK
...and there's a big pile of fruit - although one of the girls appears to be wearing a fez.
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh yeah. (he studies it) Maybe it's a plant pot.
HUTCHBACK
Maybe so, but there's a distinct Islamic influence going on there, nonetheless.
DR. NOSTRUM
Anyway there's bunting, flags, er, miserable houses, lots of people and some of them are smiling. There are a lot of them, some of them look pissed off. And at the bottom there's a picture of some, presumably muslim, women, or BNP members dressed up as muslim women wearing the full.. the full gear, er, looking at the camera taking the picture and one of them's giving The Great British V Sign, but there's only 4 of them so I think this is quite good actually. What you've done is; you've reduced the number of people, you've invented colour and, er, you don't have to look at their faces...
HUTCHBACK
And you're re-invigorating The Great British V Sign.
DR. NOSTRUM
That's right, you've managed to keep one thing going. (pause, thinks) But, I mean, that's not a great deal.. that's not a lot
worse, really, it's just different people.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, no, but, no.. it.. It's not a lot worse...
DR. NOSTRUM
...as an image.
HUTCHBACK
...objectively speaking, but, if you hate Asians, then it is a lot worse.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, you don't know they're Asians...
HUTCHBACK
Yes you do.
DR. NOSTRUM
...it's just the clothing.
HUTCHBACK
No, skin colour.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, maybe. So, anyway, what do they..
HUTCHBACK
They have chosen two particularly ugly women.
DR. NOSTRUM
You can't tell.
HUTCHBACK
You can tell.
DR. NOSTRUM
(scrutinizing the picture) One of them looks like a bloke – even under the full gear.
HUTCHBACK
You can definitely tell.
DR. NOSTRUM
I think it is a bloke. I reckon that's a bloke.
HUTCHBACK
Not only a bloke, but a wrestler.
DR. NOSTRUM
No – what's their crime? Their crime is that they're different to us isn't it?
HUTCHBACK
Their crime is; their skin is a slightly darker colour.
DR. NOSTRUM
And they don't speak English as well as..
HUTCHBACK
"People like you are voting British National Party."
DR. NOSTRUM
Where does it say that?
HUTCHBACK
We have a quote here from Ballerina Simone Clarke...
DR. NOSTRUM
That assumes a lot, doesn't it? "People like you are voting BNP"
HUTCHBACK
...Ballerina Simone Clarke, actually standing in Kenwood...
DR. NOSTRUM
Where's this?
HUTCHBACK
...It looks like she's in Kenwood.
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, I thought her first name was Ballerina.
HUTCHBACK
Ballerina. Is that Kenwood?
DR. NOSTRUM
You really, really wouldn't want your picture in one of these would you?
HUTCHBACK
No. "Immigration is out of control. There are already over 1 million illegal immigrants in London already and many more flood in each year. I'm voting BNP cos they're the only party who have the guts to speak out on the issues that count."
DR. NOSTRUM
(for those listening in print for the first time - irony alert folks) That's true, cos immigration isn't spoken about by anybody, is it, really. No-one talks about it.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, we should definitely, definitely vote BNP.
DR. NOSTRUM
She's got a suspiciously Jewish nose...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
...actually.
HUTCHBACK
Hmm.
DR. NOSTRUM
I wondered about this actually. On a completely non-funny point, well, a semi-non funny point; How far back do you go. I mean, what is British? How many people are they going to get rid of?
HUTCHBACK
Well, obviously they'll have to get rid of all the, um.. Everyone from William The Conqueror onwards...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, I mean I don't understand..
HUTCHBACK
..Which is the majority of the country.
DR. NOSTRUM
That's what I didn't really understand. Like, who.. Who is British?
HUTCHBACK
There'll be a few Scots and a few Welsh and a few Irish left.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, but they won't want Scots will.. Oh no, they're British.
HUTCHBACK
They were the ori.. more.. well...
DR. NOSTRUM
I suppose so. I kind of see them as the English National Party really.
HUTCHBACK
...you know.
DR. NOSTRUM
Do they like Scots?
HUTCHBACK
(not interested in that) So, interestingly enough, they are leading their campaign with – Not, "Kill All The Darkies" but...
DR. NOSTRUM
You know who that is?
HUTCHBACK
..."Get rid of the Congestion Charge."
DR. NOSTRUM
That...
HUTCHBACK
Very clever.
DR. NOSTRUM
That.. there's a bloke at the bottom here, who I think is Alan Titmarch, er, Titchmarsh, um, the gardener. It's Alan titchmarsh's face, but above it it says Bill De Ken Seger.
HUTCHBACK
It's not Alan Titchmarsh.
DR. NOSTRUM
Actually there is a picture of a young group of black kids, one of whom seems to be pointing a rifle at the person taking the picture, which seems a bit unlikely, but I suppose it's possible.
HUTCHBACK
I think it looks more like a submachine gun.
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh yeah, you know, one of them submachine guns. I wonder what they want.
HUTCHBACK
"We need to clamp down on gangs and make our streets safe again."
DR. NOSTRUM
That's fair enough.
HUTCHBACK
Fair enough.
DR. NOSTRUM
We don't need the BNP to do it...
HUTCHBACK
No
DR. NOSTRUM
...but that's fair enough.
HUTCHBACK
Mm.
DR. NOSTRUM
"We say no to immigration, because enough is enough, this country is full." You can tell that, because you can't move, you can't move for people. (beat) I don't get all this, why do people get so angry about this stuff? This is what the guy, you know, going back to the guy I was working with – I think there's this feeling that somehow, somehow this is the problem; That people who aren't us want to kill us.
HUTCHBACK
This is quite good – "How Labour plan to steal your vote. – Please do not post your postal vote."
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh.
HUTCHBACK
Doesn't it then stop being a postal vote, if you don't post it?
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh – "For information on how Labour supporters steal postal votes, call...
HUTCHBACK
For more information on how Labour supporters steal postal votes, post a letter to the following address.
DR. NOSTRUM
I wonder how much that costs. It doesn't say anywhere how much the phone call costs. 07527...
HUTCHBACK
Shall we donate?
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, I'll make a donation to the London BNP. (you can imagine what it might be)
HUTCHBACK
(back to the leaflet) "Warning, during this election you will probably receive nasty leaflets from the Labour party. These leaflets will be full of smears." That's quite unpleasant, that.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well how do they get them from the NHS. Clearly the NHS are not doing their job.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, that's where all the smears are going; they're going into the fucking Labour leaflets...
DR. NOSTRUM
No wonder..
HUTCHBACK
...and the Labour party are sending 'em out!
DR. NOSTRUM
No wonder people are getting cervical cancer.
HUTCHBACK
They're bloody being posted out to random fucking cunts.
DR. NOSTRUM
And they say the Government's not to blame.
HUTCHBACK
And they say Gordon Brown knows what he's doing.
DR. NOSTRUM
Not many people do say that actually.
HUTCHBACK
No, they don't. In fact, they say he has no idea what he's doing.
Oh, here we go. (HUTCHBACK brandishes a leaflet recently shoved through the portcullis – it has two comparative pictures of white and non-white street scenes – more of this later)
DR. NOSTRUM
What's this, the secrets of Gosky Borough? Oh, the BNP!
HUTCHBACK
The BNP, yes.
DR. NOSTRUM
Is that them at the bottom?
HUTCHBACK
What do you mean is that them at the bottom! It's a load of angry..
DR. NOSTRUM
That's great, what a good picture! I think that's quite an improvement, I mean look at the ugly mugs on the women at the top there.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
At least they've got the good grace to...
TOGETHER
...cover themselves up.
DR. NOSTRUM
...so we don't have to look at their ugly mugs.
HUTCHBACK
And look, that's The Great British V Sign there.
DR. NOSTRUM
I like that, it is a very good picture. I don't understand, so are they proposing that this is worse, or better?
HUTCHBACK
Of course it's worse!
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, it's not worse is it!
HUTCHBACK
No, of course they're saying it's worse.
DR. NOSTRUM
But to me, at the bottom you've got less people...
HUTCHBACK
Ye-uh.
DR. NOSTRUM
...so that is a great improvement.
HUTCHBACK
It is a great improvement, you've got more..
DR. NOSTRUM
You've got less people
HUTCHBACK
...there are more cars.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, you've got less people standing around with rubbish. (The DR. finally remembers the listener) We're jus.. Just to describe the, er, BNP Londoner – Putting London First, there's a before and after shot and the before shot is, um, a black and white which looks like the, probably the V.E. day party or something like that, with people standing around in black and white, with a lot of crap on tables...
HUTCHBACK
Although...
DR. NOSTRUM
...No men, there's no men...
HUTCHBACK
Mm.
DR. NOSTRUM
There's a lot of women and children...
HUTCHBACK
...and there's a big pile of fruit - although one of the girls appears to be wearing a fez.
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh yeah. (he studies it) Maybe it's a plant pot.
HUTCHBACK
Maybe so, but there's a distinct Islamic influence going on there, nonetheless.
DR. NOSTRUM
Anyway there's bunting, flags, er, miserable houses, lots of people and some of them are smiling. There are a lot of them, some of them look pissed off. And at the bottom there's a picture of some, presumably muslim, women, or BNP members dressed up as muslim women wearing the full.. the full gear, er, looking at the camera taking the picture and one of them's giving The Great British V Sign, but there's only 4 of them so I think this is quite good actually. What you've done is; you've reduced the number of people, you've invented colour and, er, you don't have to look at their faces...
HUTCHBACK
And you're re-invigorating The Great British V Sign.
DR. NOSTRUM
That's right, you've managed to keep one thing going. (pause, thinks) But, I mean, that's not a great deal.. that's not a lot
worse, really, it's just different people.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, no, but, no.. it.. It's not a lot worse...
DR. NOSTRUM
...as an image.
HUTCHBACK
...objectively speaking, but, if you hate Asians, then it is a lot worse.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, you don't know they're Asians...
HUTCHBACK
Yes you do.
DR. NOSTRUM
...it's just the clothing.
HUTCHBACK
No, skin colour.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, maybe. So, anyway, what do they..
HUTCHBACK
They have chosen two particularly ugly women.
DR. NOSTRUM
You can't tell.
HUTCHBACK
You can tell.
DR. NOSTRUM
(scrutinizing the picture) One of them looks like a bloke – even under the full gear.
HUTCHBACK
You can definitely tell.
DR. NOSTRUM
I think it is a bloke. I reckon that's a bloke.
HUTCHBACK
Not only a bloke, but a wrestler.
DR. NOSTRUM
No – what's their crime? Their crime is that they're different to us isn't it?
HUTCHBACK
Their crime is; their skin is a slightly darker colour.
DR. NOSTRUM
And they don't speak English as well as..
HUTCHBACK
"People like you are voting British National Party."
DR. NOSTRUM
Where does it say that?
HUTCHBACK
We have a quote here from Ballerina Simone Clarke...
DR. NOSTRUM
That assumes a lot, doesn't it? "People like you are voting BNP"
HUTCHBACK
...Ballerina Simone Clarke, actually standing in Kenwood...
DR. NOSTRUM
Where's this?
HUTCHBACK
...It looks like she's in Kenwood.
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, I thought her first name was Ballerina.
HUTCHBACK
Ballerina. Is that Kenwood?
DR. NOSTRUM
You really, really wouldn't want your picture in one of these would you?
HUTCHBACK
No. "Immigration is out of control. There are already over 1 million illegal immigrants in London already and many more flood in each year. I'm voting BNP cos they're the only party who have the guts to speak out on the issues that count."
DR. NOSTRUM
(for those listening in print for the first time - irony alert folks) That's true, cos immigration isn't spoken about by anybody, is it, really. No-one talks about it.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, we should definitely, definitely vote BNP.
DR. NOSTRUM
She's got a suspiciously Jewish nose...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
...actually.
HUTCHBACK
Hmm.
DR. NOSTRUM
I wondered about this actually. On a completely non-funny point, well, a semi-non funny point; How far back do you go. I mean, what is British? How many people are they going to get rid of?
HUTCHBACK
Well, obviously they'll have to get rid of all the, um.. Everyone from William The Conqueror onwards...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, I mean I don't understand..
HUTCHBACK
..Which is the majority of the country.
DR. NOSTRUM
That's what I didn't really understand. Like, who.. Who is British?
HUTCHBACK
There'll be a few Scots and a few Welsh and a few Irish left.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, but they won't want Scots will.. Oh no, they're British.
HUTCHBACK
They were the ori.. more.. well...
DR. NOSTRUM
I suppose so. I kind of see them as the English National Party really.
HUTCHBACK
...you know.
DR. NOSTRUM
Do they like Scots?
HUTCHBACK
(not interested in that) So, interestingly enough, they are leading their campaign with – Not, "Kill All The Darkies" but...
DR. NOSTRUM
You know who that is?
HUTCHBACK
..."Get rid of the Congestion Charge."
DR. NOSTRUM
That...
HUTCHBACK
Very clever.
DR. NOSTRUM
That.. there's a bloke at the bottom here, who I think is Alan Titmarch, er, Titchmarsh, um, the gardener. It's Alan titchmarsh's face, but above it it says Bill De Ken Seger.
HUTCHBACK
It's not Alan Titchmarsh.
DR. NOSTRUM
Actually there is a picture of a young group of black kids, one of whom seems to be pointing a rifle at the person taking the picture, which seems a bit unlikely, but I suppose it's possible.
HUTCHBACK
I think it looks more like a submachine gun.
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh yeah, you know, one of them submachine guns. I wonder what they want.
HUTCHBACK
"We need to clamp down on gangs and make our streets safe again."
DR. NOSTRUM
That's fair enough.
HUTCHBACK
Fair enough.
DR. NOSTRUM
We don't need the BNP to do it...
HUTCHBACK
No
DR. NOSTRUM
...but that's fair enough.
HUTCHBACK
Mm.
DR. NOSTRUM
"We say no to immigration, because enough is enough, this country is full." You can tell that, because you can't move, you can't move for people. (beat) I don't get all this, why do people get so angry about this stuff? This is what the guy, you know, going back to the guy I was working with – I think there's this feeling that somehow, somehow this is the problem; That people who aren't us want to kill us.
HUTCHBACK
This is quite good – "How Labour plan to steal your vote. – Please do not post your postal vote."
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh.
HUTCHBACK
Doesn't it then stop being a postal vote, if you don't post it?
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh – "For information on how Labour supporters steal postal votes, call...
HUTCHBACK
For more information on how Labour supporters steal postal votes, post a letter to the following address.
DR. NOSTRUM
I wonder how much that costs. It doesn't say anywhere how much the phone call costs. 07527...
HUTCHBACK
Shall we donate?
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, I'll make a donation to the London BNP. (you can imagine what it might be)
HUTCHBACK
(back to the leaflet) "Warning, during this election you will probably receive nasty leaflets from the Labour party. These leaflets will be full of smears." That's quite unpleasant, that.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well how do they get them from the NHS. Clearly the NHS are not doing their job.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, that's where all the smears are going; they're going into the fucking Labour leaflets...
DR. NOSTRUM
No wonder..
HUTCHBACK
...and the Labour party are sending 'em out!
DR. NOSTRUM
No wonder people are getting cervical cancer.
HUTCHBACK
They're bloody being posted out to random fucking cunts.
DR. NOSTRUM
And they say the Government's not to blame.
HUTCHBACK
And they say Gordon Brown knows what he's doing.
DR. NOSTRUM
Not many people do say that actually.
HUTCHBACK
No, they don't. In fact, they say he has no idea what he's doing.
All Talk 45 - The Invention of Industry and Victorian Fitness Coaches
DR. NOSTRUM
I guess industry actually started with stuff on the floor.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, cos there weren't any factories.
DR. NOSTRUM
If you didn't pick it up, you'd never have used any of it. That's the thing, really, it's just going back to the roots of industry.
HUTCHBACK
In fact...(pause - noises of chocolate eating sprinkle HUTCHBACK's speech for a while)
DR. NOSTRUM
Using things. You'd have to pick everything up off the floor...
HUTCHBACK
...quite literally, it was the first work.
DR. NOSTRUM
What? No...
HUTCHBACK
...that human beings did.
DR. NOSTRUM
...it might have been picking things off a tree.
HUTCHBACK
Pickin.. No, well, maybe. Bending down and picking something up, that was the first job.
DR. NOSTRUM
"So, what do you do?" "Oh, I pick things up."
HUTCHBACK
Mm.
DR. NOSTRUM
"Oh, really? You could probably get paid for that...
HUTCHBACK
Mm. Cause otherwise, you're lying around in a dirty cave...
DR. NOSTRUM
It's true, and you know what, the people who were better at it picked up better things...
HUTCHBACK
Yep...
DR. NOSTRUM
...and they could spot...
HUTCHBACK
...the ones who got up earlier in the morning. And that's where we ended up with our bloody nine to five. Cause the first cavemen who thought of this fantastic idea - picking things up – they were getting up around mid-day.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, and then they lost out to a local tribe who decided to get up earlier.
HUTCHBACK
Got up about 11.
DR. NOSTRUM
Maybe that's how they invented light, er, the fire. You know, cause they had to get up earlier.
HUTCHBACK
They had to get up so early...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, and how can we do it cos we can't see? And then they took out a stick of fire from the, uh, the cave.
HUTCHBACK
Mm.
DR. NOSTRUM
First torch. Invention of the night shift. (pause) Are you going to finish them?
HUTCHBACK
Huh?
DR. NOSTRUM
This is what you do? You do your exercise and then eat a box of chocolates?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah
DR. NOSTRUM
And that's how you maintain your weight?
HUTCHBACK
Well otherwise I'd lose too much weight wouldn't I?
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah.
HUTCHBACK
Losing weight quickly is not good for you, they say.
DR. NOSTRUM
No. I like that thing you told me about Victorian... Wasn't it a Victorian thing about, um, getting healthy and losing weight was to lie in bed all the time?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
That's good. A good idea. Couldn't get many trainers though, I mean there's not much of an industry there.
HUTCHBACK
"Go-on, burn, burn, push for the burn, lie down a bit longer! You wimp, you've only been lying down for 18 hours!"
I guess industry actually started with stuff on the floor.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, cos there weren't any factories.
DR. NOSTRUM
If you didn't pick it up, you'd never have used any of it. That's the thing, really, it's just going back to the roots of industry.
HUTCHBACK
In fact...(pause - noises of chocolate eating sprinkle HUTCHBACK's speech for a while)
DR. NOSTRUM
Using things. You'd have to pick everything up off the floor...
HUTCHBACK
...quite literally, it was the first work.
DR. NOSTRUM
What? No...
HUTCHBACK
...that human beings did.
DR. NOSTRUM
...it might have been picking things off a tree.
HUTCHBACK
Pickin.. No, well, maybe. Bending down and picking something up, that was the first job.
DR. NOSTRUM
"So, what do you do?" "Oh, I pick things up."
HUTCHBACK
Mm.
DR. NOSTRUM
"Oh, really? You could probably get paid for that...
HUTCHBACK
Mm. Cause otherwise, you're lying around in a dirty cave...
DR. NOSTRUM
It's true, and you know what, the people who were better at it picked up better things...
HUTCHBACK
Yep...
DR. NOSTRUM
...and they could spot...
HUTCHBACK
...the ones who got up earlier in the morning. And that's where we ended up with our bloody nine to five. Cause the first cavemen who thought of this fantastic idea - picking things up – they were getting up around mid-day.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, and then they lost out to a local tribe who decided to get up earlier.
HUTCHBACK
Got up about 11.
DR. NOSTRUM
Maybe that's how they invented light, er, the fire. You know, cause they had to get up earlier.
HUTCHBACK
They had to get up so early...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, and how can we do it cos we can't see? And then they took out a stick of fire from the, uh, the cave.
HUTCHBACK
Mm.
DR. NOSTRUM
First torch. Invention of the night shift. (pause) Are you going to finish them?
HUTCHBACK
Huh?
DR. NOSTRUM
This is what you do? You do your exercise and then eat a box of chocolates?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah
DR. NOSTRUM
And that's how you maintain your weight?
HUTCHBACK
Well otherwise I'd lose too much weight wouldn't I?
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah.
HUTCHBACK
Losing weight quickly is not good for you, they say.
DR. NOSTRUM
No. I like that thing you told me about Victorian... Wasn't it a Victorian thing about, um, getting healthy and losing weight was to lie in bed all the time?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
That's good. A good idea. Couldn't get many trainers though, I mean there's not much of an industry there.
HUTCHBACK
"Go-on, burn, burn, push for the burn, lie down a bit longer! You wimp, you've only been lying down for 18 hours!"
All Talk 44 - Medieval Health and Safety
DR. NOSTRUM
No, but we were talking about that because of Jew skin...
HUTCHBACK
Jew skin rugs.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, that was from something as well. Oh yeah, stuff off floors, that's it. Stuff off floors; Jews.. No, well, another thing about Jews, not that, er,
HUTCHBACK
Not that I'm racist.
DR. NOSTRUM
Not that I care. Um, I often thought that, um, Medieval Health and Safety, involved – cause you know we carry heavy things about?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah
DR. NOSTRUM
And I bust things, but, I don't think there was health and safety, but if there was, I reckon you had to put a Jew and a Black at the front of anything heavy that you were carrying downhill, or wherever, you know, in areas of danger...
HUTCHBACK
Jews, Blacks or Irish.
DR. NOSTRUM
Were there Irish, even in Medieval times?
HUTCHBACK
Well, they were Celtic perhaps.
DR. NOSTRUM
But that's probably what it was. The English would be at the back, whipping them – did they whip people then?
HUTCHBACK
I'm sure they did.
DR. NOSTRUM
There's no pictures of it. There's lots of pictures of Egyptians whipping.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, that's cause they had slaves.
DR. NOSTRUM
What, didn't we have slaves?
HUTCHBACK
No, we didn't have slaves...
HUTCHBACK
What, not till late, very late on?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah. It's funny that. All those years...
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, how did we control all the people before?
HUTCHBACK
Well they were serfs weren't they?
DR. NOSTRUM
But we didn't have whips!
HUTCHBACK
No, they didn't need whips.
DR. NOSTRUM
B.. oh, arrows.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, they had men on horses with bows.
DR. NOSTRUM
Bows. So actually they completely bypassed whips in England.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, they went straight to arrows.
DR. NOSTRUM
Arrows. Yeah.
HUTCHBACK
Swords as well.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well arrows, I guess, were like swords from a distance.
HUTCHBACK
Not as effective at killing someone. You know, you'd probably survive an arrow, unless it went in somewhere vital.
DR. NOSTRUM
I don't know, you know, a bit of wood, stone, metal, whatever – get infected, very nasty - without a doctor to put it right. Just like today.
No, but we were talking about that because of Jew skin...
HUTCHBACK
Jew skin rugs.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, that was from something as well. Oh yeah, stuff off floors, that's it. Stuff off floors; Jews.. No, well, another thing about Jews, not that, er,
HUTCHBACK
Not that I'm racist.
DR. NOSTRUM
Not that I care. Um, I often thought that, um, Medieval Health and Safety, involved – cause you know we carry heavy things about?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah
DR. NOSTRUM
And I bust things, but, I don't think there was health and safety, but if there was, I reckon you had to put a Jew and a Black at the front of anything heavy that you were carrying downhill, or wherever, you know, in areas of danger...
HUTCHBACK
Jews, Blacks or Irish.
DR. NOSTRUM
Were there Irish, even in Medieval times?
HUTCHBACK
Well, they were Celtic perhaps.
DR. NOSTRUM
But that's probably what it was. The English would be at the back, whipping them – did they whip people then?
HUTCHBACK
I'm sure they did.
DR. NOSTRUM
There's no pictures of it. There's lots of pictures of Egyptians whipping.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, that's cause they had slaves.
DR. NOSTRUM
What, didn't we have slaves?
HUTCHBACK
No, we didn't have slaves...
HUTCHBACK
What, not till late, very late on?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah. It's funny that. All those years...
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, how did we control all the people before?
HUTCHBACK
Well they were serfs weren't they?
DR. NOSTRUM
But we didn't have whips!
HUTCHBACK
No, they didn't need whips.
DR. NOSTRUM
B.. oh, arrows.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, they had men on horses with bows.
DR. NOSTRUM
Bows. So actually they completely bypassed whips in England.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, they went straight to arrows.
DR. NOSTRUM
Arrows. Yeah.
HUTCHBACK
Swords as well.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well arrows, I guess, were like swords from a distance.
HUTCHBACK
Not as effective at killing someone. You know, you'd probably survive an arrow, unless it went in somewhere vital.
DR. NOSTRUM
I don't know, you know, a bit of wood, stone, metal, whatever – get infected, very nasty - without a doctor to put it right. Just like today.
All Talk 43 - Dumb Retail
DR. NOSTRUM
I had a good dumb retail experience today. I was in the pet shop and asked if they had any cat food samples. So the 20 something counter girl says yes and asks the assistant 16 or 17 year old girl to get some, it's behind the door. So the other girl disappears behind the door and rummages around for a bit then comes back with a packet with a picture of a dog on it and says "Is this it?" so the other girl goes "No, the cat food ones have a picture of a cat on them." I said "Yes, it's the secret code." Cause of course the secret code of pet food is...
HUTCHBACK
...A picture of the animal. "Got any parrot food?" she comes out with a huge bag with a picture of an Elephant on it.
DR. NOSTRUM
I didn't get a smile.
HUTCHBACK
No.
I had a good dumb retail experience today. I was in the pet shop and asked if they had any cat food samples. So the 20 something counter girl says yes and asks the assistant 16 or 17 year old girl to get some, it's behind the door. So the other girl disappears behind the door and rummages around for a bit then comes back with a packet with a picture of a dog on it and says "Is this it?" so the other girl goes "No, the cat food ones have a picture of a cat on them." I said "Yes, it's the secret code." Cause of course the secret code of pet food is...
HUTCHBACK
...A picture of the animal. "Got any parrot food?" she comes out with a huge bag with a picture of an Elephant on it.
DR. NOSTRUM
I didn't get a smile.
HUTCHBACK
No.
All Talk 42 - Jew Skin Rugs and The Great White Moyl
DR. NOSTRUM
So, basically, that Neutrogena hand cream is a by-product product, isn't it? It's all the stuff on the floor; they stuff it in a vat, boil it and then sell it to us to put on our hands.
HUTCHBACK
It's this old one again. You know what, you can make an entire...
DR. NOSTRUM
Universe
HUTCHBACK
...Economy out of all the stuff...
DR. NOSTRUM
On the floor.
HUTCHBACK
...on the floor all swept up and turned into something else.
DR. NOSTRUM
By-product products is a definite industry, I don't know how long it's been going,
probably always...
HUTCHBACK
It's like the lampshade industry out of Auschwitz.
DR. NOSTRUM
Skin.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
Bits of skin. So the Nazi's had a by-product industry actually...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, they were quite innovative.
DR. NOSTRUM
Why didn't they just throw it all away? That's the thing.
HUTCHBACK
You know...
DR. NOSTRUM
What was the point of keeping any of it? Very Jewish actually.
HUTCHBACK
It's for prestige isn't it? You know, if you had a Jew-skin...
DR. NOSTRUM
Actually, thinking about that, it wasn't Jews, but.. cos that's not popular – maybe in the medieval times it was – but, um...
HUTCHBACK
"I've got a Jew-skin rug"
DR. NOSTRUM
Anyway, true story; Aristotle Onasis...
HUTCHBACK
Cos they do have quite.. have hairy chests.
DR. NOSTRUM
Hairy Jews were in danger! They were an endangered species.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, I mean, it's quite a nice rug.
DR. NOSTRUM
Hairy Back. So if you had a very hairy back – a Jewish hairy back...
HUTCHBACK
They were highly prized.
DR. NOSTRUM
...you wanted to shave your back, otherwise, if the inquisition got hold of you, you'd be for it. You'd be ending up on...
HUTCHBACK
You'd be in at least one, if not two, living rooms. Depends how hairy your chest was.
(pause) I guess, but the thing is, they're not big enough really.
DR. NOSTRUM
No. But maybe toilet mats?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, toilet mats and bathroom mats.
DR. NOSTRUM
Much more appropriate. (pause) But anyway, Aristotle Onasis had whale foreskin leather bar stools.
HUTCHBACK
Nice.
DR. NOSTRUM
Isn't that classy? I mean where do you get whale foreskins from?
HUTCHBACK
From whales. From Jewish whales.
DR. NOSTRUM
But who.. I mean the thing is...
HUTCHBACK
You get a Great White Moyl and he takes of the foreskin with.. (mimes a bite)
DR. NOSTRUM
With his teeth. (pause) I always sang "Moon river, wider than a Moyl." Didn't mean anything, but it sings well. But, (back to Aristotle) what I didn't get was that that was presented as if that was tasteful...
HUTCHBACK
The height...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. That somehow that's what great wealth allowed you to do and it was something to aspire to.
HUTCHBACK
Maybe it's very, very soft leather.
DR. NOSTRUM
It probably was.
HUTCHBACK
The foreskin.
DR. NOSTRUM
The foreskin of a whale, well, it's not leather is it? It's something like chagreen.
HUTCHBACK
Chagreen! No, it's some kind of.. It's whale skin, isn't it.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well it's not called leather.
HUTCHBACK
Alright, but it's thick hide. Whale foreskin. You'd have thought that a better, a more supple material, would be not the foreskin but the tip of the penis.
DR. NOSTRUM
Cause it's more sensitive?
HUTCHBACK
It's more sensitive.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, but not to the person sitting on the stool.
HUTCHBACK
No...
DR. NOSTRUM
It's just more sensitive to the whale, it might not be better quality leather.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, but foreskin, exposed to the sea – barnacles...
DR. NOSTRUM
No, cause it's inside of it, isn't it? Presumably they weren't circumcised, so, you know...
HUTCHBACK
Who knows whether it's the inside or the outside.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, it's the inside isn't it, cause the foreskin..
HUTCHBACK
It could be the outside.
DR. NOSTRUM
Only if it had an erection.
HUTCHBACK
No, what are you talking about, the foreskin just sits there, exposed (pause) to the elements.
DR. NOSTRUM
Hmm.
HUTCHBACK
You know.
DR. NOSTRUM
I'm not sure it does. In a whale I think it's inside a pouch.
HUTCHBACK
How do you know so much about whale foreskins?!
DR. NOSTRUM
I don't, no, it's cos I'm thinking about dolphin penises. They come out (pause) and when they're not out, they're in.
HUTCHBACK
Yes, that's true.
DR. NOSTRUM
They're not dogs, they're not hanging out there for all to see, they're inside.
HUTCHBACK
Well of course, cause it's not aerodynamic.
DR. NOSTRUM
They could use it like a rudder!
HUTCHBACK
So in reality, they don't have foreskins as such, not in the conventional sense. They have a cover...
DR. NOSTRUM
Well apparently they were made from whale foreskin.
HUTCHBACK
Oh, for the internet. If we had the internet we could look it up now.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, but this is the 1980's, so you can't.
HUTCHBACK
Yes, this is the 1980's.
So, basically, that Neutrogena hand cream is a by-product product, isn't it? It's all the stuff on the floor; they stuff it in a vat, boil it and then sell it to us to put on our hands.
HUTCHBACK
It's this old one again. You know what, you can make an entire...
DR. NOSTRUM
Universe
HUTCHBACK
...Economy out of all the stuff...
DR. NOSTRUM
On the floor.
HUTCHBACK
...on the floor all swept up and turned into something else.
DR. NOSTRUM
By-product products is a definite industry, I don't know how long it's been going,
probably always...
HUTCHBACK
It's like the lampshade industry out of Auschwitz.
DR. NOSTRUM
Skin.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
Bits of skin. So the Nazi's had a by-product industry actually...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, they were quite innovative.
DR. NOSTRUM
Why didn't they just throw it all away? That's the thing.
HUTCHBACK
You know...
DR. NOSTRUM
What was the point of keeping any of it? Very Jewish actually.
HUTCHBACK
It's for prestige isn't it? You know, if you had a Jew-skin...
DR. NOSTRUM
Actually, thinking about that, it wasn't Jews, but.. cos that's not popular – maybe in the medieval times it was – but, um...
HUTCHBACK
"I've got a Jew-skin rug"
DR. NOSTRUM
Anyway, true story; Aristotle Onasis...
HUTCHBACK
Cos they do have quite.. have hairy chests.
DR. NOSTRUM
Hairy Jews were in danger! They were an endangered species.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, I mean, it's quite a nice rug.
DR. NOSTRUM
Hairy Back. So if you had a very hairy back – a Jewish hairy back...
HUTCHBACK
They were highly prized.
DR. NOSTRUM
...you wanted to shave your back, otherwise, if the inquisition got hold of you, you'd be for it. You'd be ending up on...
HUTCHBACK
You'd be in at least one, if not two, living rooms. Depends how hairy your chest was.
(pause) I guess, but the thing is, they're not big enough really.
DR. NOSTRUM
No. But maybe toilet mats?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, toilet mats and bathroom mats.
DR. NOSTRUM
Much more appropriate. (pause) But anyway, Aristotle Onasis had whale foreskin leather bar stools.
HUTCHBACK
Nice.
DR. NOSTRUM
Isn't that classy? I mean where do you get whale foreskins from?
HUTCHBACK
From whales. From Jewish whales.
DR. NOSTRUM
But who.. I mean the thing is...
HUTCHBACK
You get a Great White Moyl and he takes of the foreskin with.. (mimes a bite)
DR. NOSTRUM
With his teeth. (pause) I always sang "Moon river, wider than a Moyl." Didn't mean anything, but it sings well. But, (back to Aristotle) what I didn't get was that that was presented as if that was tasteful...
HUTCHBACK
The height...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. That somehow that's what great wealth allowed you to do and it was something to aspire to.
HUTCHBACK
Maybe it's very, very soft leather.
DR. NOSTRUM
It probably was.
HUTCHBACK
The foreskin.
DR. NOSTRUM
The foreskin of a whale, well, it's not leather is it? It's something like chagreen.
HUTCHBACK
Chagreen! No, it's some kind of.. It's whale skin, isn't it.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well it's not called leather.
HUTCHBACK
Alright, but it's thick hide. Whale foreskin. You'd have thought that a better, a more supple material, would be not the foreskin but the tip of the penis.
DR. NOSTRUM
Cause it's more sensitive?
HUTCHBACK
It's more sensitive.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, but not to the person sitting on the stool.
HUTCHBACK
No...
DR. NOSTRUM
It's just more sensitive to the whale, it might not be better quality leather.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, but foreskin, exposed to the sea – barnacles...
DR. NOSTRUM
No, cause it's inside of it, isn't it? Presumably they weren't circumcised, so, you know...
HUTCHBACK
Who knows whether it's the inside or the outside.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, it's the inside isn't it, cause the foreskin..
HUTCHBACK
It could be the outside.
DR. NOSTRUM
Only if it had an erection.
HUTCHBACK
No, what are you talking about, the foreskin just sits there, exposed (pause) to the elements.
DR. NOSTRUM
Hmm.
HUTCHBACK
You know.
DR. NOSTRUM
I'm not sure it does. In a whale I think it's inside a pouch.
HUTCHBACK
How do you know so much about whale foreskins?!
DR. NOSTRUM
I don't, no, it's cos I'm thinking about dolphin penises. They come out (pause) and when they're not out, they're in.
HUTCHBACK
Yes, that's true.
DR. NOSTRUM
They're not dogs, they're not hanging out there for all to see, they're inside.
HUTCHBACK
Well of course, cause it's not aerodynamic.
DR. NOSTRUM
They could use it like a rudder!
HUTCHBACK
So in reality, they don't have foreskins as such, not in the conventional sense. They have a cover...
DR. NOSTRUM
Well apparently they were made from whale foreskin.
HUTCHBACK
Oh, for the internet. If we had the internet we could look it up now.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, but this is the 1980's, so you can't.
HUTCHBACK
Yes, this is the 1980's.
All Talk 41 - The Goldilocks Thesis and Tantric Shitting
DR. NOSTRUM
If it was funny it would be interesting...
HUTCHBACK
No, the thing is, I wasn't about to say anything nasty.
DR. NOSTRUM
Like, for example, a wedding speech in reality, rather than on film where the best man eulogises about the size of the groom's shit is a reasonably amusing concept.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, the size, volume and quantity.
DR. NOSTRUM
As a good thing in a prospective husband is, you know, for the parents in law, not what you want to hear, but, it stays with them.
HUTCHBACK
You've got to be able to pinch out a good length, basically.
DR. NOSTRUM
(pause) I wish you could pinch it out. That would be good if you could pinch it off at the length required, (pause) like sausages. Not that you can.
HUTCHBACK
If you had a very muscular...
DR. NOSTRUM
Anus.
HUTCHBACK
...arsehole.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. Well, maybe some people can do that, I don't know, I suppose they can?
HUTCHBACK
Surely it depends on the consistency...
DR. NOSTRUM
Tantric shitters probably can.
HUTCHBACK
No, if it's a very soft turd you probably could.
DR. NOSTRUM
I would have thought it'd have to have a reasonable consistency to be able to do it.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah
DR. NOSTRUM
But tantric shitters probably can...
HUTCHBACK
I think you're looking for, like, the Goldilocks of shit...
DR. NOSTRUM
Goldilocks?
HUTCHBACK
...not too hard, not too soft. Not too hot, not too cold.
DR. NOSTRUM
Goldilocks? What, was she hot or cold?
HUTCHBACK
No! Cos she...
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, the bed?
HUTCHBACK
...liked it just right didn't she?
DR. NOSTRUM
Did she? Oh, (pause) is that what the tale was basically.. an analogy about?
HUTCHBACK
I'm not entirely...
DR. NOSTRUM
Probably was.
HUTCHBACK
...sure if it was an analogy for Coprophilia, for Goldilocks. I was just using it as a metaphor. Cos she liked her porridge not too hot, not too cold, but just right, so you could say...
DR. NOSTRUM
It is an analogous fairytale actually. I never really saw that before. Not just Coprophilia, but sex, probably sex. It's probably about sex. (pause) Which is why the bears all get in bed. They get into bed and...
HUTCHBACK
You know, daddy's too big, baby's...
DR. NOSTRUM
...too small. So she was.. It's a lesbian...
HUTCHBACK
It's a.. She's a.. Basically, it's a lesbian analogy.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yes
HUTCHBACK
Not just lesbian. Bestial.
DR. NOSTRUM
A bestial, lesbian, coprophiliac analogy.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
That's the thesis.
HUTCHBACK
Although the coprophilia is a bit of a strain, literally, it's a bit of a push. It's a bit of a leap.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, well, we got there from the wrong thing, but...
HUTCHBACK
All I meant was...
DR. NOSTRUM
To do it
HUTCHBACK
...in order to use your arse muscles to properly pinch off half way through a turd it has to be the righ.. Cos obviously, too loose and there's nothing to pinch, it would obviously come out in a long stream. Too hard and you'd never get through it.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well it's never that hard. How hard does a turd have to be that you can't chop through it? I mean how many turds can't you chop through for God's sake? It's not like we shit bones or anything.
HUTCHBACK
No, but you know, sometimes those very dark, peaty ones. Those kind of dense...
DR. NOSTRUM
But they're never so hard.. presumably, a turd is never too hard for an anus to chop through it? I don't think that's possible. I don't think that's possible, otherwise if you couldn't follow through you'd be walking around with that turd sticking out your arse (pause) unless you pulled it out with your hand. Anyway, it's not that interesting to me – about shit.
HUTCHBACK
Well, no, this is the basis for all comedy, surely, talking about shit?
DR. NOSTRUM
Well I'm not a fan of toilet humour, but, the idea of tantric shitting – I can imagine there probably are people who have such control over their guts that can..
HUTCHBACK
..shit out animal shapes.
DR. NOSTRUM
(pause) Well, you'd have to have a very wide anus to do that, but, you know...
HUTCHBACK
Well, you know, as long as the animals are reasonably symmetrical.
DR. NOSTRUM
Most animals are symmetrical. (thinks) What animals aren't symmetrical?
HUTCHBACK
Well, beyond a snake, obviously, that doesn't require much, but no, that would be a talent.
DR. NOSTRUM
(still pursuing the unknown) All animals are symmetrical.
HUTCHBACK
That would be a talent.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, it would be a talent. Can you imagine that on 'The Generation Game'? No, but I would say, if you did that, if you could pinch one off, you then, presumably, cause you've practiced, have the guts to pull what's left...
HUTCHBACK
Draw it back.
DR. NOSTRUM
...back up.
HUTCHBACK
Draw it back up to take more energy out of it.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, you draw it back up so you don't get a skid mark, that's the point. If someone could just do that...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
I think animals can do that can't they?
HUTCHBACK
Tantric, self cleaning anus.
DR. NOSTRUM
That animals...
HUTCHBACK
Animals can't do that! What are you talking about? Have you never seen a dog running around with...
DR. NOSTRUM
Turds falling out their arse.
HUTCHBACK
...turds dripping out of it's f..
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, but that's just cos they're not feeling well.
HUTCHBACK
No.
DR. NOSTRUM
They can do most of that on demand. You know, they can stop a shit.
HUTCHBACK
I don't think they can.
DR. NOSTRUM
You don't think so? (long pause) That's too much shit. How did we get there? Ah, yes, the wedding speech.
HUTCHBACK
It wasn't our fault, it was the wedding speech that did it.
If it was funny it would be interesting...
HUTCHBACK
No, the thing is, I wasn't about to say anything nasty.
DR. NOSTRUM
Like, for example, a wedding speech in reality, rather than on film where the best man eulogises about the size of the groom's shit is a reasonably amusing concept.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, the size, volume and quantity.
DR. NOSTRUM
As a good thing in a prospective husband is, you know, for the parents in law, not what you want to hear, but, it stays with them.
HUTCHBACK
You've got to be able to pinch out a good length, basically.
DR. NOSTRUM
(pause) I wish you could pinch it out. That would be good if you could pinch it off at the length required, (pause) like sausages. Not that you can.
HUTCHBACK
If you had a very muscular...
DR. NOSTRUM
Anus.
HUTCHBACK
...arsehole.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. Well, maybe some people can do that, I don't know, I suppose they can?
HUTCHBACK
Surely it depends on the consistency...
DR. NOSTRUM
Tantric shitters probably can.
HUTCHBACK
No, if it's a very soft turd you probably could.
DR. NOSTRUM
I would have thought it'd have to have a reasonable consistency to be able to do it.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah
DR. NOSTRUM
But tantric shitters probably can...
HUTCHBACK
I think you're looking for, like, the Goldilocks of shit...
DR. NOSTRUM
Goldilocks?
HUTCHBACK
...not too hard, not too soft. Not too hot, not too cold.
DR. NOSTRUM
Goldilocks? What, was she hot or cold?
HUTCHBACK
No! Cos she...
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, the bed?
HUTCHBACK
...liked it just right didn't she?
DR. NOSTRUM
Did she? Oh, (pause) is that what the tale was basically.. an analogy about?
HUTCHBACK
I'm not entirely...
DR. NOSTRUM
Probably was.
HUTCHBACK
...sure if it was an analogy for Coprophilia, for Goldilocks. I was just using it as a metaphor. Cos she liked her porridge not too hot, not too cold, but just right, so you could say...
DR. NOSTRUM
It is an analogous fairytale actually. I never really saw that before. Not just Coprophilia, but sex, probably sex. It's probably about sex. (pause) Which is why the bears all get in bed. They get into bed and...
HUTCHBACK
You know, daddy's too big, baby's...
DR. NOSTRUM
...too small. So she was.. It's a lesbian...
HUTCHBACK
It's a.. She's a.. Basically, it's a lesbian analogy.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yes
HUTCHBACK
Not just lesbian. Bestial.
DR. NOSTRUM
A bestial, lesbian, coprophiliac analogy.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
That's the thesis.
HUTCHBACK
Although the coprophilia is a bit of a strain, literally, it's a bit of a push. It's a bit of a leap.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, well, we got there from the wrong thing, but...
HUTCHBACK
All I meant was...
DR. NOSTRUM
To do it
HUTCHBACK
...in order to use your arse muscles to properly pinch off half way through a turd it has to be the righ.. Cos obviously, too loose and there's nothing to pinch, it would obviously come out in a long stream. Too hard and you'd never get through it.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well it's never that hard. How hard does a turd have to be that you can't chop through it? I mean how many turds can't you chop through for God's sake? It's not like we shit bones or anything.
HUTCHBACK
No, but you know, sometimes those very dark, peaty ones. Those kind of dense...
DR. NOSTRUM
But they're never so hard.. presumably, a turd is never too hard for an anus to chop through it? I don't think that's possible. I don't think that's possible, otherwise if you couldn't follow through you'd be walking around with that turd sticking out your arse (pause) unless you pulled it out with your hand. Anyway, it's not that interesting to me – about shit.
HUTCHBACK
Well, no, this is the basis for all comedy, surely, talking about shit?
DR. NOSTRUM
Well I'm not a fan of toilet humour, but, the idea of tantric shitting – I can imagine there probably are people who have such control over their guts that can..
HUTCHBACK
..shit out animal shapes.
DR. NOSTRUM
(pause) Well, you'd have to have a very wide anus to do that, but, you know...
HUTCHBACK
Well, you know, as long as the animals are reasonably symmetrical.
DR. NOSTRUM
Most animals are symmetrical. (thinks) What animals aren't symmetrical?
HUTCHBACK
Well, beyond a snake, obviously, that doesn't require much, but no, that would be a talent.
DR. NOSTRUM
(still pursuing the unknown) All animals are symmetrical.
HUTCHBACK
That would be a talent.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, it would be a talent. Can you imagine that on 'The Generation Game'? No, but I would say, if you did that, if you could pinch one off, you then, presumably, cause you've practiced, have the guts to pull what's left...
HUTCHBACK
Draw it back.
DR. NOSTRUM
...back up.
HUTCHBACK
Draw it back up to take more energy out of it.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, you draw it back up so you don't get a skid mark, that's the point. If someone could just do that...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
I think animals can do that can't they?
HUTCHBACK
Tantric, self cleaning anus.
DR. NOSTRUM
That animals...
HUTCHBACK
Animals can't do that! What are you talking about? Have you never seen a dog running around with...
DR. NOSTRUM
Turds falling out their arse.
HUTCHBACK
...turds dripping out of it's f..
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, but that's just cos they're not feeling well.
HUTCHBACK
No.
DR. NOSTRUM
They can do most of that on demand. You know, they can stop a shit.
HUTCHBACK
I don't think they can.
DR. NOSTRUM
You don't think so? (long pause) That's too much shit. How did we get there? Ah, yes, the wedding speech.
HUTCHBACK
It wasn't our fault, it was the wedding speech that did it.
The History of The U.S. U.K. Gallon discrepancy.
It was none other than Frederick Bean (Tex) Avery, the creator of Daffy Duck, Droopy and Mickey Mantle, that prompted the creation of the small U.S. gallon.
Dr Nostrum recalls fondly the free-wheelin' wind up the skirts holiday with Tex and J Edgar Hoover that caused the final parting of the ways with the Mother country. Neither Tex nor J Edgar liked Fred Quimby much, so he never came along.
J Edgar had been in one of his Texan phases, really for the benefit of Tex, who was the ideal man to lap it all up. On one of the lazier afternoon's J Edgar was sauntering around in his 8.32 Gallon Hat, waving it at all and sundry and flashing a bit of leg. Getting no response, Tex felt the need to big J Edgar up and began insisting that he was a bigger man than an 8.3, and that J Edgar was a 10 all the way in his eyes. And any man that's a 10 should be wearing a 10 gallon hat.
Unfortunately the 10 gallon hat was too big for J Edgar and thus the 8.3 was renamed. The measurement system soon followed with J Edgar reasoning that there was a great psychological benefit to all Americans of being able to say that they could fill up anything with more gallons than their European competitors could for the same amount of work.
Dr Nostrum recalls fondly the free-wheelin' wind up the skirts holiday with Tex and J Edgar Hoover that caused the final parting of the ways with the Mother country. Neither Tex nor J Edgar liked Fred Quimby much, so he never came along.
J Edgar had been in one of his Texan phases, really for the benefit of Tex, who was the ideal man to lap it all up. On one of the lazier afternoon's J Edgar was sauntering around in his 8.32 Gallon Hat, waving it at all and sundry and flashing a bit of leg. Getting no response, Tex felt the need to big J Edgar up and began insisting that he was a bigger man than an 8.3, and that J Edgar was a 10 all the way in his eyes. And any man that's a 10 should be wearing a 10 gallon hat.
Unfortunately the 10 gallon hat was too big for J Edgar and thus the 8.3 was renamed. The measurement system soon followed with J Edgar reasoning that there was a great psychological benefit to all Americans of being able to say that they could fill up anything with more gallons than their European competitors could for the same amount of work.
Sweet Dreams Are Made of This - End Gazza Bombing Shreiks Lennox
Dr. Nostrum can today clear up several press errors after first hand news. Former Eurythmics frontman and ex-world heavyweight champion Lennox Lewis today urged Israel to end the bombing of ex-everything footballer Paul (Gazza) Gascoigne. Lewis claims to represent much of the boxing pop star world who, he says, are united in condemnation of "Israel's repeated interventions into Gazza, which have driven the poor man to near insanity, exacerbated by his being forced to carry round two ex-Mossad plastic ducks against his will wherever he goes." Lennox continued on in this vein until I fell asleep.
Meanwhile Israel continued to protect itself whilst simultaneously enhancing World peace prospects with surgical strikes in the worlds press, carefully targeted to avoid collateral opinions.
Dr. Nostrum says, these nations have been throwing rocks at each other for 5000 years so don't expect them to stop anytime soon.
Meanwhile Israel continued to protect itself whilst simultaneously enhancing World peace prospects with surgical strikes in the worlds press, carefully targeted to avoid collateral opinions.
Dr. Nostrum says, these nations have been throwing rocks at each other for 5000 years so don't expect them to stop anytime soon.
Thank You Clint, For The Beautiful Sleep
Dr. Nostrum has only had two truly deep sleeps in the last 13 years. Both were brought on by watching The Bridges Of Madison County. I can't say what it is for certain, but no more powerful soporific has entered my life.
The first sleep was inopportune, at the time I thought it had badly coloured a prospective romance with a small dark hairy girl. As it was I moved swiftly into a romance with a taller dark and though I think less genetically hairy, still a fairly hairy girl, if not controlled. It was somewhere near a first date - The Bridges Of Madison County - a winning film to show my caring side. I remember the Screen on The Green cinema, and the girl - the small one, and I think the film started, but then, nothing but the deepest sleep and I'm not sure I came out of it fully until the next day. I certainly don't remember taking her home.
13 years later and this time it was simply a random flick through the channel guide which brought me the chance to see what I had missed. I got as far as a note stuck on the side of a bridge, though I was already distracted and had started playing the guitar, but sometime soon after that I felt the deep need to go and lie down. I slept for 18 hours.
If there are any (presumably male) readers in desperate need of a cure for insomnia, you'd do worse than go out and buy the Blu-ray. That's a Dr's recommendation, remember.
The first sleep was inopportune, at the time I thought it had badly coloured a prospective romance with a small dark hairy girl. As it was I moved swiftly into a romance with a taller dark and though I think less genetically hairy, still a fairly hairy girl, if not controlled. It was somewhere near a first date - The Bridges Of Madison County - a winning film to show my caring side. I remember the Screen on The Green cinema, and the girl - the small one, and I think the film started, but then, nothing but the deepest sleep and I'm not sure I came out of it fully until the next day. I certainly don't remember taking her home.
13 years later and this time it was simply a random flick through the channel guide which brought me the chance to see what I had missed. I got as far as a note stuck on the side of a bridge, though I was already distracted and had started playing the guitar, but sometime soon after that I felt the deep need to go and lie down. I slept for 18 hours.
If there are any (presumably male) readers in desperate need of a cure for insomnia, you'd do worse than go out and buy the Blu-ray. That's a Dr's recommendation, remember.
All Talk 40 - Ignorant, Racist Fools
DR. NOSTRUM
It's not a big thing, but anyway – to point it out was an error.
HUTCHBACK
I'm moving my tea away from your feet because...
DR. NOSTRUM
They've got terrible balance.
HUTCHBACK
...well, not just that.
DR. NOSTRUM
I'll put socks on, I'll put socks on.
HUTCHBACK
No, it's ok...
DR. NOSTRUM
You'd still move your tea away would you?
HUTCHBACK
...now my tea is out of the way.
DR. NOSTRUM
(beat) Um, no, the error was pointing it out. How do you point out something that irritates you without someone getting really angry at you? It's that (pause) people thing isn't it?
HUTCHBACK
Mm. Yes.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, I mean, I told the guy I work with this week that he was an ignorant fool, so, you know, he took that very well.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
"Ignorant, racist fool." Or something like that.
HUTCHBACK
Right, well, there you go.
DR. NOSTRUM
But that's cos he's an ignorant, racist fool, but, he's not really, he just has that tendency.
HUTCHBACK
For being ignorant, foolish and racist.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yes. (pause) he's, um, a gentleman, er, that likes using "They" a lot. "They all.."
HUTCHBACK
(puts on knuckle-dragging voice) "They're all.. They're all.. ar, ar, ar."
DR. NOSTRUM
"They all want to kill us." " They all, you know, if you asked any of.. I'm telling you the truth, if you ask any of them how we improve things they'd say 'You have to be more like us.'"
HUTCHBACK
And which 'they' is this?
DR. NOSTRUM
Muslims
HUTCHBACK
Ah, Muslims! Is he Jewish?
DR. NOSTRUM
Nah, he's not Jewish, no. He's not Jewish, he's just, er, stressed out.
HUTCHBACK
He's just a cunt.
DR. NOSTRUM
He said to me, do I know any Muslims? As if all his friends are.. as if he lives in a.. Anyway! I was trying to point out to him..
HUTCHBACK
You said he said to you "Do you know any Muslims?"
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah
HUTCHBACK
And what did you say?
DR. NOSTRUM
I said. "One, maybe, but not a particularly good example of the trend you're talking about." and so, no, er, I..
HUTCHBACK
You know more than one Muslim, surely?
DR. NOSTRUM
No, probably not.
HUTCHBACK
Mrs. Hutchback's the only Muslim you know?
DR. NOSTRUM
No, hmm, I don't know, maybe my cat's Muslim, you know, my mum's not Muslim...
HUTCHBACK
No, that's true.
DR. NOSTRUM
None of my cousins are Muslim.
HUTCHBACK
No.
DR. NOSTRUM
And none of my friends are Muslim, except...
HUTCHBACK
What about the bloke in the local..?
DR. NOSTRUM
I don't know him, whoever he is. There must be a Muslim locally, but I don't know. Not that it matters, I was just trying to point out that, er, if the guy I work with was standing in front of a thousand Muslims and he was saying They this and They that, and You All want to do this and You All do that, they probably wouldn't appreciate it (pause) and that it would be slightly – in my own way I was trying to suggest that it would be slightly unfair to say something like that, but, er, he wasn't having it, really. So I called him an ignorant, racist fool. (Hutchback laughs) Which he actually took very well...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah...
DR. NOSTRUM
...cos I'm white.
HUTCHBACK
...for an ignorant, racist fool.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, he took it very well; he didn't kill me. Or even get angry in fact. I think he just accepted it cause it's true but he doesn't mind.
HUTCHBACK
(knuckle-dragger again) "I'm prowd tah be racist, it's what makes this country great!"
DR. NOSTRUM
No, he's not racist at all, he says, of course. He's not racist in any way.
HUTCHBACK
"I just don't like Muslims."
DR. NOSTRUM
He just doesn't like, um...
HUTCHBACK
Paki's
DR. NOSTRUM
He doesn't like people getting treated differently to him. He says we bend over backwards to give the advantage to all the minority interests in this country and we don't do anything for the, er, people that were born here. Or something like that.
HUTCHBACK
He's voting BNP then?
DR. NOSTRUM
I don't think he had the opportunity. But he did vote for Boris. (pause) I'm not sure that voting is that useful, anymore. Is it useful, do you think its useful? It's not politics, it's just.. it's only useful if it makes a difference. If you exchange one fool for another, what difference does that make?
HUTCHBACK
Well...
DR. NOSTRUM
You just have someone else to blame.
It's not a big thing, but anyway – to point it out was an error.
HUTCHBACK
I'm moving my tea away from your feet because...
DR. NOSTRUM
They've got terrible balance.
HUTCHBACK
...well, not just that.
DR. NOSTRUM
I'll put socks on, I'll put socks on.
HUTCHBACK
No, it's ok...
DR. NOSTRUM
You'd still move your tea away would you?
HUTCHBACK
...now my tea is out of the way.
DR. NOSTRUM
(beat) Um, no, the error was pointing it out. How do you point out something that irritates you without someone getting really angry at you? It's that (pause) people thing isn't it?
HUTCHBACK
Mm. Yes.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, I mean, I told the guy I work with this week that he was an ignorant fool, so, you know, he took that very well.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
"Ignorant, racist fool." Or something like that.
HUTCHBACK
Right, well, there you go.
DR. NOSTRUM
But that's cos he's an ignorant, racist fool, but, he's not really, he just has that tendency.
HUTCHBACK
For being ignorant, foolish and racist.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yes. (pause) he's, um, a gentleman, er, that likes using "They" a lot. "They all.."
HUTCHBACK
(puts on knuckle-dragging voice) "They're all.. They're all.. ar, ar, ar."
DR. NOSTRUM
"They all want to kill us." " They all, you know, if you asked any of.. I'm telling you the truth, if you ask any of them how we improve things they'd say 'You have to be more like us.'"
HUTCHBACK
And which 'they' is this?
DR. NOSTRUM
Muslims
HUTCHBACK
Ah, Muslims! Is he Jewish?
DR. NOSTRUM
Nah, he's not Jewish, no. He's not Jewish, he's just, er, stressed out.
HUTCHBACK
He's just a cunt.
DR. NOSTRUM
He said to me, do I know any Muslims? As if all his friends are.. as if he lives in a.. Anyway! I was trying to point out to him..
HUTCHBACK
You said he said to you "Do you know any Muslims?"
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah
HUTCHBACK
And what did you say?
DR. NOSTRUM
I said. "One, maybe, but not a particularly good example of the trend you're talking about." and so, no, er, I..
HUTCHBACK
You know more than one Muslim, surely?
DR. NOSTRUM
No, probably not.
HUTCHBACK
Mrs. Hutchback's the only Muslim you know?
DR. NOSTRUM
No, hmm, I don't know, maybe my cat's Muslim, you know, my mum's not Muslim...
HUTCHBACK
No, that's true.
DR. NOSTRUM
None of my cousins are Muslim.
HUTCHBACK
No.
DR. NOSTRUM
And none of my friends are Muslim, except...
HUTCHBACK
What about the bloke in the local..?
DR. NOSTRUM
I don't know him, whoever he is. There must be a Muslim locally, but I don't know. Not that it matters, I was just trying to point out that, er, if the guy I work with was standing in front of a thousand Muslims and he was saying They this and They that, and You All want to do this and You All do that, they probably wouldn't appreciate it (pause) and that it would be slightly – in my own way I was trying to suggest that it would be slightly unfair to say something like that, but, er, he wasn't having it, really. So I called him an ignorant, racist fool. (Hutchback laughs) Which he actually took very well...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah...
DR. NOSTRUM
...cos I'm white.
HUTCHBACK
...for an ignorant, racist fool.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, he took it very well; he didn't kill me. Or even get angry in fact. I think he just accepted it cause it's true but he doesn't mind.
HUTCHBACK
(knuckle-dragger again) "I'm prowd tah be racist, it's what makes this country great!"
DR. NOSTRUM
No, he's not racist at all, he says, of course. He's not racist in any way.
HUTCHBACK
"I just don't like Muslims."
DR. NOSTRUM
He just doesn't like, um...
HUTCHBACK
Paki's
DR. NOSTRUM
He doesn't like people getting treated differently to him. He says we bend over backwards to give the advantage to all the minority interests in this country and we don't do anything for the, er, people that were born here. Or something like that.
HUTCHBACK
He's voting BNP then?
DR. NOSTRUM
I don't think he had the opportunity. But he did vote for Boris. (pause) I'm not sure that voting is that useful, anymore. Is it useful, do you think its useful? It's not politics, it's just.. it's only useful if it makes a difference. If you exchange one fool for another, what difference does that make?
HUTCHBACK
Well...
DR. NOSTRUM
You just have someone else to blame.
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