01/12/08
Dr. Nostrum
I tremendously enjoy this business: there's this guy who my cousin knows, he goes off to Indonesia and he buys their rubbish...
Hutchback
Oh, pop music, Indonesian Pop..
Dr. Nostrum
No, no, no, no. It's nothing to do with pop music; it's actual rubbish...
Hutchback
Oh!
Dr. Nostrum
...it's like wooden bowls that they used to pound rice out in but they no longer work cos they've got cracks in them. You know, all this stuff they throw out to the side of houses and he stuffs containers full of it and he sells it to Habitat and people like that.
Hutchback
That's good.
Dr. Nostrum
So, and you know, we pay, like, a thousand pounds to buy something that doesn't work...
Hutchback
Probably not a thousand pounds.
Dr. Nostrum
No, no, Habitat were selling a lasong – these are called lasongs – these things they stuff rice in, you know, you've gat a wooden.. they use them all over the world – wooden..
Hutchback (for the benefit of the listener)
I'm shaking my head.
Dr. Nostrum
...um, Mahogany.. sideways (Hutchback's head, that is). Um, Mahogany – if you hollow out a bit of Mahogany and you make it into a kind of egg-timer shape, so you can use the bottom as well as the top...
Hutchback
Oh, those things!
Dr. Nostrum
Right.
Hutchback
What are they for?
Dr. Nostrum
They're for putting rice husks in...
Hutchback
Oh, ok.
Dr. Nostrum
...and then you smash it down and the husks separate from the...
Hutchback
Yeah, I think I have seen them.
Dr. Nostrum
...Right. So when they're broken – they don't work anymore cos they've got too many cracks in them – they just throw them away and this guy goes over there and he buys loads of them...
Hutchback
But what do you use them for?
Dr. Nostrum
Decoration
Hutchback
Ah...
Dr. Nostrum
We decorate our gardens with them
Hutchback
For a thousand pounds?!
Dr. Nostrum
Well, five hundred to a thousand...
Hutchback
An actual antique...
Dr. Nostrum
...bit of rubbish...
Hutchback
...antique bit of crap
Dr. Nostrum
... bit of crap. That's it, we're buying it.
Hutchback
Why buy new crap when you can buy old crap?
Dr. Nostrum
Cos old crap is better.
Hutchback
Old crap is better.
Dr. Nostrum
But can you imagine someone from over there coming over and buying all our plastic bags and crisp packets and...
Hutchback
No, they'd be buying, you know, old plastic garden furniture...
Dr. Nostrum
So that works? That probably does work, so actually that industry works.
Hutchback
Yeah
Dr. Nostrum
The garbage of one culture is another culture's, er...
Hutchback
Yeah, you know, old stereo's..
Dr. Nostrum
That's true.
Hutchback
Yeah, you see, there you go. You've figured something out there! Who'd have thought that, eh? Eh?
Dr. Nostrum
So one culture just buys rubbish from another culture cause they're just not familiar with it and they treat it as if it's something extraordinary?
Hutchback
Yeah
Dr. Nostrum
When in fact all it is, is just rubbish?
Hutchback
Yeah. (pause) However, it probably wouldn't work – you'd have to find an even poorer country...
Dr. Nostrum
Oh, that's true. We couldn't sell it could we? Cos the cost of getting over there..
Hutchback
No, you cert.. you could probably sell it to certain African...
Dr. Nostrum
Maybe these Chinese billionaires? There must be, in fact, Chinese billionaires must not have been able to see all the kind of rubbish that we generate over here. What would we.. what rubbish would we have generated that they don't have? (pause) Chopsticks?
Hutchback
Heat? (pause) Old copies of Heat magazine?
Dr. Nostrum
No.
Hutchback
They wouldn't get that!
Dr. Nostrum
No, it has to be something decorative. Like, what would we have that the Chinese...
Hutchback
Flock wallpaper.
Dr. Nostrum
It's hard to get off.
Hutchback
Woodchip. Woodchip wallpaper, um, pebbledash. If you could remove whole pieces of pebble-dashing...
Dr. Nostrum
Maybe
Hutchback
...you could sell it as ancient...
Dr. Nostrum
Art
Hutchback
...traditional...
Dr. Nostrum
Wall Art
Hutchback
...traditional English decorative Art.
Dr. Nostrum
That's probably not a bad idea, if you went over there and set up.. well, I don't know if you would. Where would you get it?
Hutchback
Fake Tudor beams. You know, from those 1930's – 1930's mock Tudor, you could sell that, you could definitely sell that.
Dr. Nostrum
Inside the new high rise apartments? I suppose so and you buy and you bring.. but it has to.. where.. where is all.. you know what there is, all these, these old radiators and everything that people throw out, they'd love all that.
Hutchback
Oh yeah.
Dr. Nostrum
Yeah, mind you, we buy 'em here I s'pose, but, you know.
Hutchback
Now, what about, erm, (pause) I was trying to w.. I was tr..
Dr. Nostrum
Where else have they got billionaires that would buy our rubbish? Russia, maybe? They've got similar rubbish to us though.
Hutchback
They do buy rubbish.
Dr. Nostrum
But they've got similar rubbish to us.
Hutchback
They have their own rubbish.
Sunday, 18 January 2009
All Talk 15 - Music To Read By
01/12/08
Dr. Nostrum
You can put pictures up.
Hutchback
Yeah I know (the sound of a small dog barking interrupts him)
Dr. Nostrum
But how does that work? Is someone just sitting and they press play and then pictures just flash up occasionally?
Hutchback
Yeah
Dr. Nostrum
I actually though a podcast was just a radio show, so I didn't think... isn't it just a radio show.
Hutchback
A podcast is, in essence, a shit radio show, with no music.
Dr. Nostrum
Made by..
Hutchback
Actually, maybe we can put some music in, maybe that would make it more entertaining?
Dr. Nostrum
What music would you pick?
Hutchback
Mainly Bach, I'd say. I think that would be fitting...
Dr. Nostrum
Also Spracht Zarathustra is always a good one.
Hutchback
I think Gregor.. A bit of Gregorian chant; something to elevate the, uh, the mood somewhat. No, to raise the...
Dr. Nostrum
I bet the Gregorian...
Hutchback
...cultural bar.
Dr. Nostrum
...the Gregorian Chanting stuff probably never envisaged that there would actually be an industry, where people who weren't Gregorian Monks bought Gregorian Chants and listened to them.
Hutchback
If only they'd have fucking cashed in on it when they were...
Dr. Nostrum
Yeah, I mean, I don't imagine...
Hutchback
...back in Gregorian times.
Dr. Nostrum
...they did tours and concerts, did they?
Hutchback
No.
Dr. Nostrum
No.
Hutchback
No, they were...
Dr. Nostrum
So it was a marketing...
Hutchback
...hardly the Pop stars of their age.
Dr. Nostrum
...a marketing man's idea?
Hutchback
Yeah. (pause - becomes the marketing man) "Someone, somewhere, will listen to...
Dr. Nostrum
Will listen to it.
Hutchback
...this shit."
Dr. Nostrum
You can put pictures up.
Hutchback
Yeah I know (the sound of a small dog barking interrupts him)
Dr. Nostrum
But how does that work? Is someone just sitting and they press play and then pictures just flash up occasionally?
Hutchback
Yeah
Dr. Nostrum
I actually though a podcast was just a radio show, so I didn't think... isn't it just a radio show.
Hutchback
A podcast is, in essence, a shit radio show, with no music.
Dr. Nostrum
Made by..
Hutchback
Actually, maybe we can put some music in, maybe that would make it more entertaining?
Dr. Nostrum
What music would you pick?
Hutchback
Mainly Bach, I'd say. I think that would be fitting...
Dr. Nostrum
Also Spracht Zarathustra is always a good one.
Hutchback
I think Gregor.. A bit of Gregorian chant; something to elevate the, uh, the mood somewhat. No, to raise the...
Dr. Nostrum
I bet the Gregorian...
Hutchback
...cultural bar.
Dr. Nostrum
...the Gregorian Chanting stuff probably never envisaged that there would actually be an industry, where people who weren't Gregorian Monks bought Gregorian Chants and listened to them.
Hutchback
If only they'd have fucking cashed in on it when they were...
Dr. Nostrum
Yeah, I mean, I don't imagine...
Hutchback
...back in Gregorian times.
Dr. Nostrum
...they did tours and concerts, did they?
Hutchback
No.
Dr. Nostrum
No.
Hutchback
No, they were...
Dr. Nostrum
So it was a marketing...
Hutchback
...hardly the Pop stars of their age.
Dr. Nostrum
...a marketing man's idea?
Hutchback
Yeah. (pause - becomes the marketing man) "Someone, somewhere, will listen to...
Dr. Nostrum
Will listen to it.
Hutchback
...this shit."
All Talk 14 - If Your Life Were A Movie?
30/11/08
In the ongoing 'All Talk' series we'll head back to the picnic in the park on a long forgotten summer's day (aren't they all)
Hutchback
Have you (beat) observed that you've got more uncoordinated as you've got older?
Dr. Nostrum
I was never coordinated
Hutchback
Yes, but are you less coordinated now?
Dr. Nostrum
I haven't observed it, but M has.
Hutchback
Yes, in her.. in you?
Dr. Nostrum
In me.
Hutchback
In you.
Dr. Nostrum
Yes, sh.. sh.. she thinks it's incredible.
Hutchback
(laughs) Ha-ha.
Dr. Nostrum
I'm incre...
Hutchback
...you're incredible.
Dr. Nostrum
...I'm clumsy.
Hutchback
Yes.
Dr. Nostrum
But I haven't become clumsy, I've always been clumsy, I've just been.. never had anyone around to point it out.
Hutchback
Yes, you see, I've definitely become less coordinated (pause) I've noticed in the last few years that I'm forever, you know, sort of (pause) you know, reaching for something and stubbing my hand, you know sort of...
Dr. Nostrum
Really?
Hutchback
..scraping my hand on a thing.
Dr. Nostrum
Oh, I suppose so.
Hutchback
You know, like, oh, er, I just carelessl.. you know, like reaching into a washing machine or something and scratching my hand against the edge.
Dr. Nostrum
No, my thing is...
Hutchback
Which I haven't..
Dr. Nostrum
...My thing is more having trouble putting on my trousers and pants, that I can't st... (Hutchback is laughing) yeah, the one leg at a time business, if you catch your leg (pause) in the hole, then I'm over, like, er, you know, like the leaning tower of Pisa without anything holding it up. (pause) I fall over and really I need to be near a bed, and if I wasn't near a bed and near something sharp I probably would have killed myself several times over.
Hutchback
Yeah. No, erm...
Dr. Nostrum
That's where it mostly comes out.
Hutchback
Balance. My balance isn't so bad it's...
Dr. Nostrum
Doing stuff.
Hutchback
It's hand eye coordination.
Dr. Nostrum
You mean knocking things over.
Hutchback
Yeah, knocking things over and stuff like that. That kind of not exactly getting the trajectory right.
Dr. Nostrum (laughing at a memory)
Oh no, I did a good thing the other day, no, this is true, I do do these things there were two half..
Hutchback (interrupts)
Sorry, for, for for new listeners we are both approaching incontinence
Dr. Nostrum
One of us quicker than the other. But, as, er, um (pause) there were two half drunk bottles of water on the table and I picked 'em both up and I was thinking that..
Hutchback
New listeners!
Dr. Nostrum
Cos of course some of you may have been listening for ages except you didn't know you were listening to us
Hutchback
Well, there, no, no, th.. th.. th.. uh, er, the gargantuan assumption that anyone will be listening. Anyway, carry on, carry on.
Dr. Nostrum
No, I had this, er, er, I suppose it's these kind of lapses in (pause) quality control of (pause) what I'm doing, is that, I pick up two bottles of water, I've got them both in the same hand - and neither of them have got lids on - and I pick up the lids and I get distracted, thinking, o.k. I'm gonna drink one of these bottles and then drink the other one, so what I do, is whilst holding them both (he mimes pouring water into his mouth)...
Hutchback
You've picked them both up at the same time.
Dr. Nostrum
...the one at the top poured all over my forehead. (pause) you know, but I just.. it's just that idea that I forgot to put the l.. even though I'd been thinking about, I forget to put the lid on the one I don't want to drink.
Hutchback
One part of your brain was saying "remember to put the lid on, remember to put the lid on, remember to put the lid on..." again and again and again...
Dr. Nostrum
And the other part says "Drink it."
Hutchback
And you just pick it up and throw it all over your head. That's brilliant. Now that is brilliant. That's what the podcast should be about. That's the podcast.
Dr. Nostrum
Stuff that you do that you...
Hutchback
Stupid things that you've done.
Dr. Nostrum
Well, another stupid thing, which M was amused and embarrassed by the same amount, but more amused – at the top of the Empire State building, I'm there, we're looking ar.. some couple says "Could you take a picture of us?" and I say "Of course." But I'm holding a can of coke, (pause) so, they give me the camera (pause – Hutchback knows what's coming and has started laughing) I pick it up to my face and pour the coke all over my shirt.
Hutchback
But you got a perfect shot so it was alright. Did they laugh?
Dr. Nostrum
I don't remember (pause). Stuff like that. Stuff like that (pause) and that was very similar, so, you know...
Hutchback
Yeah
Dr. Nostrum
...as if there'd been no gap between that and me picking up two bottles of w..
Hutchback
Your life! What you're saying is, essentially, your life is becoming a sort of slapstick movie...
Dr. Nostrum
It is.
Hutchback
...without you actually choosing it to become one it's becoming a slapstick movie.
Dr. Nostrum
It seems to be like that and I always laughed at slapstick but, er.
Hutchback
Have you trod on a rake yet when you're working?
Dr. Nostrum
Er (pause)...
Hutchback (mimics)
Errr...
Dr. Nostrum
No. Not yet.
In the ongoing 'All Talk' series we'll head back to the picnic in the park on a long forgotten summer's day (aren't they all)
Hutchback
Have you (beat) observed that you've got more uncoordinated as you've got older?
Dr. Nostrum
I was never coordinated
Hutchback
Yes, but are you less coordinated now?
Dr. Nostrum
I haven't observed it, but M has.
Hutchback
Yes, in her.. in you?
Dr. Nostrum
In me.
Hutchback
In you.
Dr. Nostrum
Yes, sh.. sh.. she thinks it's incredible.
Hutchback
(laughs) Ha-ha.
Dr. Nostrum
I'm incre...
Hutchback
...you're incredible.
Dr. Nostrum
...I'm clumsy.
Hutchback
Yes.
Dr. Nostrum
But I haven't become clumsy, I've always been clumsy, I've just been.. never had anyone around to point it out.
Hutchback
Yes, you see, I've definitely become less coordinated (pause) I've noticed in the last few years that I'm forever, you know, sort of (pause) you know, reaching for something and stubbing my hand, you know sort of...
Dr. Nostrum
Really?
Hutchback
..scraping my hand on a thing.
Dr. Nostrum
Oh, I suppose so.
Hutchback
You know, like, oh, er, I just carelessl.. you know, like reaching into a washing machine or something and scratching my hand against the edge.
Dr. Nostrum
No, my thing is...
Hutchback
Which I haven't..
Dr. Nostrum
...My thing is more having trouble putting on my trousers and pants, that I can't st... (Hutchback is laughing) yeah, the one leg at a time business, if you catch your leg (pause) in the hole, then I'm over, like, er, you know, like the leaning tower of Pisa without anything holding it up. (pause) I fall over and really I need to be near a bed, and if I wasn't near a bed and near something sharp I probably would have killed myself several times over.
Hutchback
Yeah. No, erm...
Dr. Nostrum
That's where it mostly comes out.
Hutchback
Balance. My balance isn't so bad it's...
Dr. Nostrum
Doing stuff.
Hutchback
It's hand eye coordination.
Dr. Nostrum
You mean knocking things over.
Hutchback
Yeah, knocking things over and stuff like that. That kind of not exactly getting the trajectory right.
Dr. Nostrum (laughing at a memory)
Oh no, I did a good thing the other day, no, this is true, I do do these things there were two half..
Hutchback (interrupts)
Sorry, for, for for new listeners we are both approaching incontinence
Dr. Nostrum
One of us quicker than the other. But, as, er, um (pause) there were two half drunk bottles of water on the table and I picked 'em both up and I was thinking that..
Hutchback
New listeners!
Dr. Nostrum
Cos of course some of you may have been listening for ages except you didn't know you were listening to us
Hutchback
Well, there, no, no, th.. th.. th.. uh, er, the gargantuan assumption that anyone will be listening. Anyway, carry on, carry on.
Dr. Nostrum
No, I had this, er, er, I suppose it's these kind of lapses in (pause) quality control of (pause) what I'm doing, is that, I pick up two bottles of water, I've got them both in the same hand - and neither of them have got lids on - and I pick up the lids and I get distracted, thinking, o.k. I'm gonna drink one of these bottles and then drink the other one, so what I do, is whilst holding them both (he mimes pouring water into his mouth)...
Hutchback
You've picked them both up at the same time.
Dr. Nostrum
...the one at the top poured all over my forehead. (pause) you know, but I just.. it's just that idea that I forgot to put the l.. even though I'd been thinking about, I forget to put the lid on the one I don't want to drink.
Hutchback
One part of your brain was saying "remember to put the lid on, remember to put the lid on, remember to put the lid on..." again and again and again...
Dr. Nostrum
And the other part says "Drink it."
Hutchback
And you just pick it up and throw it all over your head. That's brilliant. Now that is brilliant. That's what the podcast should be about. That's the podcast.
Dr. Nostrum
Stuff that you do that you...
Hutchback
Stupid things that you've done.
Dr. Nostrum
Well, another stupid thing, which M was amused and embarrassed by the same amount, but more amused – at the top of the Empire State building, I'm there, we're looking ar.. some couple says "Could you take a picture of us?" and I say "Of course." But I'm holding a can of coke, (pause) so, they give me the camera (pause – Hutchback knows what's coming and has started laughing) I pick it up to my face and pour the coke all over my shirt.
Hutchback
But you got a perfect shot so it was alright. Did they laugh?
Dr. Nostrum
I don't remember (pause). Stuff like that. Stuff like that (pause) and that was very similar, so, you know...
Hutchback
Yeah
Dr. Nostrum
...as if there'd been no gap between that and me picking up two bottles of w..
Hutchback
Your life! What you're saying is, essentially, your life is becoming a sort of slapstick movie...
Dr. Nostrum
It is.
Hutchback
...without you actually choosing it to become one it's becoming a slapstick movie.
Dr. Nostrum
It seems to be like that and I always laughed at slapstick but, er.
Hutchback
Have you trod on a rake yet when you're working?
Dr. Nostrum
Er (pause)...
Hutchback (mimics)
Errr...
Dr. Nostrum
No. Not yet.
All Talk 13 - Cooking with Delia, Lying To Children and Growing Pains
30/11/08
Hutchback
(beat) There's some quite, quite a lively group that family group over there.
Dr. Nostrum
They are aren't they, they've done a lot of...
Hutchback
Lot of running around...
Dr. Nostrum (this was the 'blind' girl's family)
...pretending and things.
Hutchback
Running around; star jumps; chasing; it's all a bit much for a Saturday afternoon really.
Dr. Nostrum
You think they're a family?
Hutchback
Yeah. Well there are two children and...
Dr. Nostrum
The woman doesn't look right.
Hutchback
... (unhappily noticing) three adults
Dr. Nostrum
The woman doesn't look right to me
Hutchback
That's the mother.
Dr. Nostrum
That's what I'm saying; she doesn't look right. (pause) She looks like a friend of the family rather than the mum. (pause) No, she must be the mum. (longer pause – he's not sure) She could be a friend rather than the mum.
Hutchback
Well which one, the black woman or the white woman?
Dr. Nostrum
No, the black girl is the daughter of the black guy. See, radio in black and white. Yes, anyway, um... You know, it's just describing; describing the unimportant.
Hutchback
No, no. They've got a free M&S cooler bag, I've sp.. I notice.
Dr. Nostrum
What do you get it free with?
Hutchback
You get it free with 5 or more deli items.
Dr. Nostrum
Hmm.
Hutchback
There you go, so for all those of you who haven't picked up their free cooler bag yet... Hummus; my top tip.
Dr. Nostrum
Oh, you know that was quite funny actually, as Harry Hill pointed out, one of Delia Smith's things where she's got the cheat ingredients stuff, you know, this new thing? One of those programmes was her making Hummus...
Hutchback
Yeah!
Dr. Nostrum
But why isn't that just one of your cheat ingredients?
Hutchback
Exactly!
Dr. Nostrum
It's nonsense, isn't it? Why cook anything?
Hutchback
Just buy it all from M&S.
Dr. Nostrum
Buy it all ready made! (pause) It doesn't make any sense that programme, you've got cheat ingredients but then you've got to go and make it yourself.
Hutchback
No, cause you want to pretend you've cooked for your dinner party guests. Jesus, can you imagine?
Dr. Nostrum
What?
Hutchback
Serving up tinned lamb, tinned lamb mince...
Dr. Nostrum
Well, if it was the...
Hutchback
...at a dinner party?
Dr. Nostrum
It depends on how troubled times are.
Hutchback
How difficult is it to get... (loses interest and settles on a very satisfying yawn)
Dr. Nostrum
And they played on the radio something about her explaining how to boil an egg and part of the explanation was the difference between water...
Hutchback
And oil.
Dr. Nostrum
...no, no, the difference between the water not boiling and the water nearly boiling and she was describing this, you see.. when you see the water bubbling up, just slightly beginning to bubble, that's not boiling, just wait...
Hutchback
Wait!
Dr. Nostrum
...for it
Hutchback
Wait! Just wait...
Dr. Nostrum
...to start bubbling"...
Hutchback
...a little bit!
Dr. Nostrum
...she said wait till it starts bubbling vigorously across the surface of the whole water and that's when it's boiling
Hutchback
Christ
Dr. Nostrum
Because of course, you wouldn't know that, if you'd never grown up, really.
Hutchback
If you'd never been taught anything
Dr. Nostrum
Yeah, that's it. (pause) TV for...
Hutchback
Maybe our experiment should be to take an untutored boy (pause) of some age...
Dr. Nostrum
And teach them
Hutchback
...and teach them...
Dr. Nostrum
You mean, like having children?
Hutchback
...everything wrong.
Dr. Nostrum
What, like having children?
Hutchback
Er, yeah.
Dr. Nostrum
I like the idea of having children and teaching them nonsense. I'm quite, you know, like that Calvin and Hobbes stuff. I have a feeling that I would be very, very (pause) attracted to the idea of sending a kid off to school with his head full of absolute crap and then they said "Well, My dad said 'this'" and it's just complete nonsense.
Hutchback
Yeah, I mean, it's an amusing thought but rather unfair on the child.
Dr. Nostrum
I think my dad did it, somewhat, you know.
Hutchback
Yeah
Dr. Nostrum
In some ways (pause0) he said he was a doctor and told me, er, various things and that everything...
Hutchback
Did he?
Dr. Nostrum
...everything that was wrong with me was 'growing pains' (pause - laughs) that's quite, you know... (pause)
Hutchback
I wonder if you get gro'in pains in your groin (pronounced gro-in)?
Dr. Nostrum
(silence – of the tumbleweed blowing across the tundra type) Gro'in? (more silence) Mm. (a pause to recover the will to live, then) Didn't you have that? Didn't you have parents telling you everything wrong with you was 'growing pains', anything that hurt anywhere?
Hutchback
No
Dr. Nostrum
Oh, I guess that's why I was...
Hutchback
What, you slammed your fin.. slammed your thumb in the door – "That's growing pains son."
Dr. Nostrum
Well it is isn't it? In some ways, in some indirect way it is a growing pain isn't it?
Hutchback
(beat) There's some quite, quite a lively group that family group over there.
Dr. Nostrum
They are aren't they, they've done a lot of...
Hutchback
Lot of running around...
Dr. Nostrum (this was the 'blind' girl's family)
...pretending and things.
Hutchback
Running around; star jumps; chasing; it's all a bit much for a Saturday afternoon really.
Dr. Nostrum
You think they're a family?
Hutchback
Yeah. Well there are two children and...
Dr. Nostrum
The woman doesn't look right.
Hutchback
... (unhappily noticing) three adults
Dr. Nostrum
The woman doesn't look right to me
Hutchback
That's the mother.
Dr. Nostrum
That's what I'm saying; she doesn't look right. (pause) She looks like a friend of the family rather than the mum. (pause) No, she must be the mum. (longer pause – he's not sure) She could be a friend rather than the mum.
Hutchback
Well which one, the black woman or the white woman?
Dr. Nostrum
No, the black girl is the daughter of the black guy. See, radio in black and white. Yes, anyway, um... You know, it's just describing; describing the unimportant.
Hutchback
No, no. They've got a free M&S cooler bag, I've sp.. I notice.
Dr. Nostrum
What do you get it free with?
Hutchback
You get it free with 5 or more deli items.
Dr. Nostrum
Hmm.
Hutchback
There you go, so for all those of you who haven't picked up their free cooler bag yet... Hummus; my top tip.
Dr. Nostrum
Oh, you know that was quite funny actually, as Harry Hill pointed out, one of Delia Smith's things where she's got the cheat ingredients stuff, you know, this new thing? One of those programmes was her making Hummus...
Hutchback
Yeah!
Dr. Nostrum
But why isn't that just one of your cheat ingredients?
Hutchback
Exactly!
Dr. Nostrum
It's nonsense, isn't it? Why cook anything?
Hutchback
Just buy it all from M&S.
Dr. Nostrum
Buy it all ready made! (pause) It doesn't make any sense that programme, you've got cheat ingredients but then you've got to go and make it yourself.
Hutchback
No, cause you want to pretend you've cooked for your dinner party guests. Jesus, can you imagine?
Dr. Nostrum
What?
Hutchback
Serving up tinned lamb, tinned lamb mince...
Dr. Nostrum
Well, if it was the...
Hutchback
...at a dinner party?
Dr. Nostrum
It depends on how troubled times are.
Hutchback
How difficult is it to get... (loses interest and settles on a very satisfying yawn)
Dr. Nostrum
And they played on the radio something about her explaining how to boil an egg and part of the explanation was the difference between water...
Hutchback
And oil.
Dr. Nostrum
...no, no, the difference between the water not boiling and the water nearly boiling and she was describing this, you see.. when you see the water bubbling up, just slightly beginning to bubble, that's not boiling, just wait...
Hutchback
Wait!
Dr. Nostrum
...for it
Hutchback
Wait! Just wait...
Dr. Nostrum
...to start bubbling"...
Hutchback
...a little bit!
Dr. Nostrum
...she said wait till it starts bubbling vigorously across the surface of the whole water and that's when it's boiling
Hutchback
Christ
Dr. Nostrum
Because of course, you wouldn't know that, if you'd never grown up, really.
Hutchback
If you'd never been taught anything
Dr. Nostrum
Yeah, that's it. (pause) TV for...
Hutchback
Maybe our experiment should be to take an untutored boy (pause) of some age...
Dr. Nostrum
And teach them
Hutchback
...and teach them...
Dr. Nostrum
You mean, like having children?
Hutchback
...everything wrong.
Dr. Nostrum
What, like having children?
Hutchback
Er, yeah.
Dr. Nostrum
I like the idea of having children and teaching them nonsense. I'm quite, you know, like that Calvin and Hobbes stuff. I have a feeling that I would be very, very (pause) attracted to the idea of sending a kid off to school with his head full of absolute crap and then they said "Well, My dad said 'this'" and it's just complete nonsense.
Hutchback
Yeah, I mean, it's an amusing thought but rather unfair on the child.
Dr. Nostrum
I think my dad did it, somewhat, you know.
Hutchback
Yeah
Dr. Nostrum
In some ways (pause0) he said he was a doctor and told me, er, various things and that everything...
Hutchback
Did he?
Dr. Nostrum
...everything that was wrong with me was 'growing pains' (pause - laughs) that's quite, you know... (pause)
Hutchback
I wonder if you get gro'in pains in your groin (pronounced gro-in)?
Dr. Nostrum
(silence – of the tumbleweed blowing across the tundra type) Gro'in? (more silence) Mm. (a pause to recover the will to live, then) Didn't you have that? Didn't you have parents telling you everything wrong with you was 'growing pains', anything that hurt anywhere?
Hutchback
No
Dr. Nostrum
Oh, I guess that's why I was...
Hutchback
What, you slammed your fin.. slammed your thumb in the door – "That's growing pains son."
Dr. Nostrum
Well it is isn't it? In some ways, in some indirect way it is a growing pain isn't it?
Early release for the multiple rape-murder connoisseur
29/11/08
The good Doctor has decreed that a week on the Wheel is equivalent to two without food water or light. Whilst my multitudinous fractures settle down into some semblance of a human physiology I am at liberty to type a missive one broken-fingered character at a time. Has our practitioner of the Hyppocratic Oath ever shown such lenience, I doubt it, he is truly a God amongst amoeba, single-celled creatures being what he would define as his 'Society'. So whilst the strains of his favourite music (8-bit computer game soundtracks - particularly Sinclair Spectrum's Jet Pac) seep tinnily into my gloaming dungeon I have painfully penned the following screed.
It has come to my attention that the world of business is populated by a growing menace - the career incompetent. These individuals move from position to position spreading their ordure of disorganisation and misdirection. They often rise to unheard (and heretofore non-existant) ranks within a company, garnering titles like war medals scuttled from pawn shops. Such appellations as Head of Fun, Director of Strategic Explosions, Grand Master of Winnovation, Chief Lunch Officer have become commonplace among dynamic, passionate, thought leading, global facing, client focused organisations.
Thank God for the oncoming nuclear winter of the economy, we may see a return to the simple days of honest labour, where a man could lurk in the shadows outside an East End pub waiting for the staggering click clacking of a lonely whore. The lesser missed members of our congregation are ideal customers of the service delivered by this honest son of the soil. Nostrum's need for fresh corpses is unremitting. I rub my hands in glee at the thought of the forthcoming festive season when the blind drunk outnumber the sober by 10 to 1. This is real toil, not the shuffling of papers and the pinging electronic mail, but the short slash of a cut-throat and the hefting of a now lifeless body onto bowed shoulders.
My job title has always been a subject of some vagueness, however in response to our all-encompassing industrial dumbocracy I shall take on a new moniker. I shall be Head of Vitality Redistribution. Now go and enjoy your weekend and keep off the backstreets in Whitechapel if you value your vitality.
The good Doctor has decreed that a week on the Wheel is equivalent to two without food water or light. Whilst my multitudinous fractures settle down into some semblance of a human physiology I am at liberty to type a missive one broken-fingered character at a time. Has our practitioner of the Hyppocratic Oath ever shown such lenience, I doubt it, he is truly a God amongst amoeba, single-celled creatures being what he would define as his 'Society'. So whilst the strains of his favourite music (8-bit computer game soundtracks - particularly Sinclair Spectrum's Jet Pac) seep tinnily into my gloaming dungeon I have painfully penned the following screed.
It has come to my attention that the world of business is populated by a growing menace - the career incompetent. These individuals move from position to position spreading their ordure of disorganisation and misdirection. They often rise to unheard (and heretofore non-existant) ranks within a company, garnering titles like war medals scuttled from pawn shops. Such appellations as Head of Fun, Director of Strategic Explosions, Grand Master of Winnovation, Chief Lunch Officer have become commonplace among dynamic, passionate, thought leading, global facing, client focused organisations.
Thank God for the oncoming nuclear winter of the economy, we may see a return to the simple days of honest labour, where a man could lurk in the shadows outside an East End pub waiting for the staggering click clacking of a lonely whore. The lesser missed members of our congregation are ideal customers of the service delivered by this honest son of the soil. Nostrum's need for fresh corpses is unremitting. I rub my hands in glee at the thought of the forthcoming festive season when the blind drunk outnumber the sober by 10 to 1. This is real toil, not the shuffling of papers and the pinging electronic mail, but the short slash of a cut-throat and the hefting of a now lifeless body onto bowed shoulders.
My job title has always been a subject of some vagueness, however in response to our all-encompassing industrial dumbocracy I shall take on a new moniker. I shall be Head of Vitality Redistribution. Now go and enjoy your weekend and keep off the backstreets in Whitechapel if you value your vitality.
All Talk 12 - Lloyd Webber and Walliams prepare to sue
28/11/08
(what follows are not the opinions of real people, remember)
Hutchback
...I can't comment because I've avoided watching any of those hideous programmes.
Dr. Nostrum
Well, no, I haven't watched them cos I've seen him sitting on his throne and I've seen the look on his face and (pause) I have seen him periodically pop in and out of culture across the years and he is very creepy.
Hutchback
Oh yes, But more to do with his face than anything else I think. I think if he had a different face...
Dr. Nostrum
There's something incredibly obsequious about him.
Hutchback
Yeah, he's oily.
Dr. Nostrum
(pause) I don't think it's that it's oily, it's just something very, very weird going on.
Hutchback
Mm.
Dr. Nostrum
Kind of like David Walliams.
Hutchback
Yes
Dr. Nostrum
He's got the same kind of thing going on it's this 'child rapist' look...
Hutchback (laughing)
Yeah
Dr. Nostrum
No, well, you know, if you could categorize it, there is something like that.
Hutchback
Yeah. He clearly.. he fits that profile, you know...
Dr. Nostrum
But, the thing is...
Hutchback
...he gets to work with lots of children...
Dr. Nostrum
...but, child rapists don't have that look (pause) apparently. All these serial killers, child rapists are just, you know, walking amongst us unseen but, if they all looked like David Walliams...
Hutchback (quoting the usual comment)
'He seemed like such a normal bloke - a normal bloke'.
Dr. Nostrum
Right, whereas David Walliams doesn't seem like a normal bloke and nor does Andrew Lloyd Webber...
Hutchback
But...
Dr. Nostrum
...so you wouldn't be surprised if they had some dirty past.
Hutchback
But he's not gay apparently.
Dr. Nostrum
Well I think that's.. that's.. well, then nor's Simon Cowell but then...
Hutchback
No, Walliams
Dr. Nostrum
No, but I'm saying, but nor is Simon Cowell, but apparently they are, allegedly.
Hutchback
Oh are they?
Dr. Nostrum
More stuff you can't broadcast. Well – you can broadcast what you want, I think that's the thing isn't it? Although why anyone gives a fuck about being gay's beyond me, or how you can sue for it being defamation as if it were somehow defamation, bit of a circular argument that. Hardly a victory for gay rights to still be able to do that really.
Hutchback
Well, who's gonna sue us if no-one hears it?
Dr. Nostrum
Yeah, if no-one hears it, yeah. Oh, it doesn't matter it's just, you know. "Edit point."
Hutchback
"Cunt"
Dr. Nostrum
Yeah. (long beat) I don't know, I think if you did this for, like, ten years you get better at it.
Hutchback
Yeah. If you did this for ten years you might get 5 minutes of raw material.
Dr. Nostrum
But what a 5 minutes!
Hutchback
Yup.
Dr. Nostrum
Very reasonable. It would be very reasonable...
Hutchback
And in fact...
Dr. Nostrum
...wouldn't be great...
Hutchback
...it would be 5 continuous minutes from some, just.. peak moment...
Dr. Nostrum
...a snippet.
Hutchback
...when you'd.. Somehow everything had come together.
Dr. Nostrum (wistfully)
Yeah.
(what follows are not the opinions of real people, remember)
Hutchback
...I can't comment because I've avoided watching any of those hideous programmes.
Dr. Nostrum
Well, no, I haven't watched them cos I've seen him sitting on his throne and I've seen the look on his face and (pause) I have seen him periodically pop in and out of culture across the years and he is very creepy.
Hutchback
Oh yes, But more to do with his face than anything else I think. I think if he had a different face...
Dr. Nostrum
There's something incredibly obsequious about him.
Hutchback
Yeah, he's oily.
Dr. Nostrum
(pause) I don't think it's that it's oily, it's just something very, very weird going on.
Hutchback
Mm.
Dr. Nostrum
Kind of like David Walliams.
Hutchback
Yes
Dr. Nostrum
He's got the same kind of thing going on it's this 'child rapist' look...
Hutchback (laughing)
Yeah
Dr. Nostrum
No, well, you know, if you could categorize it, there is something like that.
Hutchback
Yeah. He clearly.. he fits that profile, you know...
Dr. Nostrum
But, the thing is...
Hutchback
...he gets to work with lots of children...
Dr. Nostrum
...but, child rapists don't have that look (pause) apparently. All these serial killers, child rapists are just, you know, walking amongst us unseen but, if they all looked like David Walliams...
Hutchback (quoting the usual comment)
'He seemed like such a normal bloke - a normal bloke'.
Dr. Nostrum
Right, whereas David Walliams doesn't seem like a normal bloke and nor does Andrew Lloyd Webber...
Hutchback
But...
Dr. Nostrum
...so you wouldn't be surprised if they had some dirty past.
Hutchback
But he's not gay apparently.
Dr. Nostrum
Well I think that's.. that's.. well, then nor's Simon Cowell but then...
Hutchback
No, Walliams
Dr. Nostrum
No, but I'm saying, but nor is Simon Cowell, but apparently they are, allegedly.
Hutchback
Oh are they?
Dr. Nostrum
More stuff you can't broadcast. Well – you can broadcast what you want, I think that's the thing isn't it? Although why anyone gives a fuck about being gay's beyond me, or how you can sue for it being defamation as if it were somehow defamation, bit of a circular argument that. Hardly a victory for gay rights to still be able to do that really.
Hutchback
Well, who's gonna sue us if no-one hears it?
Dr. Nostrum
Yeah, if no-one hears it, yeah. Oh, it doesn't matter it's just, you know. "Edit point."
Hutchback
"Cunt"
Dr. Nostrum
Yeah. (long beat) I don't know, I think if you did this for, like, ten years you get better at it.
Hutchback
Yeah. If you did this for ten years you might get 5 minutes of raw material.
Dr. Nostrum
But what a 5 minutes!
Hutchback
Yup.
Dr. Nostrum
Very reasonable. It would be very reasonable...
Hutchback
And in fact...
Dr. Nostrum
...wouldn't be great...
Hutchback
...it would be 5 continuous minutes from some, just.. peak moment...
Dr. Nostrum
...a snippet.
Hutchback
...when you'd.. Somehow everything had come together.
Dr. Nostrum (wistfully)
Yeah.
All Talk 11 - Andrew Lloyd Webber - What are you hiding?
27/11/08
Dr. Nostrum
(beat) Would you work in an all girls college (pause) as opposed to a mixed college? No, I suppose, cos you need variation on a theme.
Hutchback
No, it would be, er, uh...
Dr. Nostrum
But you still get variation on a theme.
Hutchback
Yeah. All different flavours. But, no, I think, er (pause) I think it would be kind of (pause) er, too, er, too female an environment.
Dr. Nostrum
Hmm.
Hutchback
Ironically, being an all girl college.
Dr. Nostrum
Mm. and here's something, um...
Hutchback
Female environments are not actually that nice to be in.
Dr. Nostrum
...Here's something that can't be broadcast, as I believe it might be a bit litigious, but, on another, on a similar aspect, (beat) isn't there something creepy about, er, Andrew Lloyd Webber?
Hutchback (with certainty)
Yes.
Dr. Nostrum
He's very, very creepy, and I was thinking, the most, the most (pause) I don't know, 'gracious' thing you can say about him is that, maybe...
Hutchback
Maybe.
Dr. Nostrum
A straight man who's worked all his life in an industry of gay men.
Hutchback
Yeah.
Dr. Nostrum
But, he comes across like a bitter Queen who's got an awful secret stuffed up his arse.
Hutchback
I'm afraid I can't comment.
Dr. Nostrum
(beat) Would you work in an all girls college (pause) as opposed to a mixed college? No, I suppose, cos you need variation on a theme.
Hutchback
No, it would be, er, uh...
Dr. Nostrum
But you still get variation on a theme.
Hutchback
Yeah. All different flavours. But, no, I think, er (pause) I think it would be kind of (pause) er, too, er, too female an environment.
Dr. Nostrum
Hmm.
Hutchback
Ironically, being an all girl college.
Dr. Nostrum
Mm. and here's something, um...
Hutchback
Female environments are not actually that nice to be in.
Dr. Nostrum
...Here's something that can't be broadcast, as I believe it might be a bit litigious, but, on another, on a similar aspect, (beat) isn't there something creepy about, er, Andrew Lloyd Webber?
Hutchback (with certainty)
Yes.
Dr. Nostrum
He's very, very creepy, and I was thinking, the most, the most (pause) I don't know, 'gracious' thing you can say about him is that, maybe...
Hutchback
Maybe.
Dr. Nostrum
A straight man who's worked all his life in an industry of gay men.
Hutchback
Yeah.
Dr. Nostrum
But, he comes across like a bitter Queen who's got an awful secret stuffed up his arse.
Hutchback
I'm afraid I can't comment.
All Talk 10 - Tenure - The Holy Grail
27/11/08
Hutchback
Yeah, well. I think he might have perhaps, um, given that one up seeing as he's now achieved tenure at er, at, er..
Dr. Nostrum
Carlos Casteneda had tenure somewhere didn't he?
Hutchback
Did he?
Dr. Nostrum
Yeah, I think he was a teacher at, er, of sociology.
Hutchback
Well...
Dr. Nostrum
Whilst he was doing all that writing.
Hutchback
Didn't mean he had tenure.
Dr. Nostrum
Maybe he made that up.
Hutchback
The idea of tenure's very, uh...
Dr. Nostrum
Tenuous.
Hutchback (yes, it gets a laugh)
Tenurous. No, it's a nice idea. It's a shame you can't get it in other professions. Where, basically you're paid, regardless of whether you turn up and do any work.
Dr. Nostrum
Well, you get that in football.
Hutchback
Yeah, but not forever.
Dr. Nostrum
Surely tenure is rescindable?
Hutchback
No. (pause) That's why it's called tenure.
Dr. Nostrum
So how do they fire you?
Hutchback
They don't! That's it.
Dr. Nostrum (surely this must be nonsense)
What are you talking about?
Hutchback
Tenure? Well, unless you rape a student. I assume that violates one of the clauses.
Dr. Nostrum
Well doesn't it stop at, like, 60, or 30?
Hutchback
Well, it stops at retirement age presumably. But, yeah, for the rest of your career...
Dr. Nostrum
So they can't..? That's it? Is that what it's about – trying to get a job for life?
Hutchback
That's what it's all about – job for life.
Dr. Nostrum
I didn't know that...
Hutchback
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Dr. Nostrum
...I thought it was just to get on the faculty of some place...
Hutchback
No, no, it now means...
Dr. Nostrum
...So it's not reviewed every year?
Hutchback
...he could basically do an hours...
Dr. Nostrum
Wanking?
Hutchback
...work a week. He could wank for an hour a week...
Dr. Nostrum
No, (pause) he could wank 23 hours a day – and do one hours work...
Hutchback
No, no. One hours work a week!
Dr. Nostrum (pause – just can't believe this tenure idea)
Really?
Hutchback
Yes!
Dr. Nostrum
Well what about marking papers?
Hutchback
He doesn't have to do anything if he doesn't want.
Dr. Nostrum
I don't believe that...
Hutchback
It's true.
Dr. Nostrum
...Kawnholer..? I don't believe that at all. If you're listening to this – I need to know.
Hutchback
It's true – he told me!
Dr. Nostrum
They can't.. It can't be...
Hutchback
He told me! (pause, then irony) It must be true - he told me
Dr. Nostrum
There can't be a profession out there that...
Hutchback
No, why would he lie?
Hutchback
There is, it's called being a professor.
Dr. Nostrum
But don't you have to do anything?
Hutchback
No!
Dr. Nostrum
Don't you have to have some kind of goal to prove that you're...
Hutchback
No. You don't have to do any research, you d.. you have to teach one hour of lectures a week, I think...
Dr. Nostrum
God, no wonder people try and get it.
Hutchback
Yeah. Exactly. And that's why the human race is getting stupider by the year.
Dr. Nostrum
Because they pay you to do nothing.
Hutchback
Because all the professors are just sitting in their rooms, you know, (pause) rubbing one out.
Dr. Nostrum (thinking about this)
Yeah.
Hutchback
Having a quick rub.
Hutchback
Yeah, well. I think he might have perhaps, um, given that one up seeing as he's now achieved tenure at er, at, er..
Dr. Nostrum
Carlos Casteneda had tenure somewhere didn't he?
Hutchback
Did he?
Dr. Nostrum
Yeah, I think he was a teacher at, er, of sociology.
Hutchback
Well...
Dr. Nostrum
Whilst he was doing all that writing.
Hutchback
Didn't mean he had tenure.
Dr. Nostrum
Maybe he made that up.
Hutchback
The idea of tenure's very, uh...
Dr. Nostrum
Tenuous.
Hutchback (yes, it gets a laugh)
Tenurous. No, it's a nice idea. It's a shame you can't get it in other professions. Where, basically you're paid, regardless of whether you turn up and do any work.
Dr. Nostrum
Well, you get that in football.
Hutchback
Yeah, but not forever.
Dr. Nostrum
Surely tenure is rescindable?
Hutchback
No. (pause) That's why it's called tenure.
Dr. Nostrum
So how do they fire you?
Hutchback
They don't! That's it.
Dr. Nostrum (surely this must be nonsense)
What are you talking about?
Hutchback
Tenure? Well, unless you rape a student. I assume that violates one of the clauses.
Dr. Nostrum
Well doesn't it stop at, like, 60, or 30?
Hutchback
Well, it stops at retirement age presumably. But, yeah, for the rest of your career...
Dr. Nostrum
So they can't..? That's it? Is that what it's about – trying to get a job for life?
Hutchback
That's what it's all about – job for life.
Dr. Nostrum
I didn't know that...
Hutchback
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Dr. Nostrum
...I thought it was just to get on the faculty of some place...
Hutchback
No, no, it now means...
Dr. Nostrum
...So it's not reviewed every year?
Hutchback
...he could basically do an hours...
Dr. Nostrum
Wanking?
Hutchback
...work a week. He could wank for an hour a week...
Dr. Nostrum
No, (pause) he could wank 23 hours a day – and do one hours work...
Hutchback
No, no. One hours work a week!
Dr. Nostrum (pause – just can't believe this tenure idea)
Really?
Hutchback
Yes!
Dr. Nostrum
Well what about marking papers?
Hutchback
He doesn't have to do anything if he doesn't want.
Dr. Nostrum
I don't believe that...
Hutchback
It's true.
Dr. Nostrum
...Kawnholer..? I don't believe that at all. If you're listening to this – I need to know.
Hutchback
It's true – he told me!
Dr. Nostrum
They can't.. It can't be...
Hutchback
He told me! (pause, then irony) It must be true - he told me
Dr. Nostrum
There can't be a profession out there that...
Hutchback
No, why would he lie?
Hutchback
There is, it's called being a professor.
Dr. Nostrum
But don't you have to do anything?
Hutchback
No!
Dr. Nostrum
Don't you have to have some kind of goal to prove that you're...
Hutchback
No. You don't have to do any research, you d.. you have to teach one hour of lectures a week, I think...
Dr. Nostrum
God, no wonder people try and get it.
Hutchback
Yeah. Exactly. And that's why the human race is getting stupider by the year.
Dr. Nostrum
Because they pay you to do nothing.
Hutchback
Because all the professors are just sitting in their rooms, you know, (pause) rubbing one out.
Dr. Nostrum (thinking about this)
Yeah.
Hutchback
Having a quick rub.
All Talk 9 - Babies are Shaman - Kawnholer’s Theorum
27/11/08
Dr. Nostrum
Do you remember that lab assistant – Natalia Coochy-Coochy? Yeah?
Hutchback
Yeah, of course I remember her.
Dr. Nostrum
She, er, she nicked my Carlos Catenada book, the first book.
Hutchback
Oh, well, there you go.
Dr. Nostrum
There you go – cos she wanted to get into Castenada I think.
Hutchback (deeply ambivalent)
Mm.
Dr. Nostrum
It's something you.. Castenada is something you leave behind.
Hutchback
Yes, absolutely
Dr. Nostrum
I just had a feeling that our dear friend Dr. Kawnholer was trying to prove somehow that Castenada works.
Hutchback (amazed)
Really?
Dr. Nostrum
I'm not sure where I got that from...
Hutchback
No he wasn't...
Dr. Nostrum
...was that years and years ago?
Hutchback
...why was he trying to prove that?
Dr. Nostrum
Not prove it.. I don't know, I've got this all mixed up, but, erm...
Hutchback
No he's not, he's doing Child Psychology.
Dr. Nostrum
I know, but you see, children are cross-eyed.
Hutchback (laughs mockingly at the very idea)
What, are they? All Children are...
Dr. Nostrum
All babies are cross-eyed.
Hutchback
That's cause they can only focus on things that close to...
Dr. Nostrum
But – are they seeing what Castenada saw?
Hutchback
No they're not! Looking at the world cross-eyed, you don't see parallel universes!
Dr. Nostrum
Mm, no.
Hutchback
It's not like they're just like, there.
Dr. Nostrum
No, but anyway...
Hutchback
Sorry, for podcast listeners, er, I just pointed slightly to the left and to the right of me.
Dr. Nostrum
(correcting Hutchback on the location of parallel universes) Not far in front of your face.
Hutchback
See, I'm being professional now.
Dr. Nostrum
Not far in front of your face.
Hutchback
This is being professional. A good face for radio...
Dr. Nostrum
I actually thought that..
Hutchback
There's a good face for radio, Jesus, that dog, look at that.
Dr. Nostrum
He's got one of those bra's on, one of those muzzle bras, what are they called?
Hutchback (unsure what the hell Nostrum is talking about)
Ye-ah
Dr. Nostrum
...The car bras. Oh no he doesn't, it's just a black face. (pause) Does he have a muzzle on?
Hutchback
He does have a muzzle on.
Dr. Nostrum
Shame for them – imagine if people had to do that.
Hutchback
Yeah. (beat) There's another one, with a sort of..
Dr. Nostrum
He hasn't got a muzzle on – the other one.
Hutchback
Yeah.
Dr. Nostrum
(beat) Anyway, I thought that what Kawnholer was trying to do – dear Kawnholer – was something to do with, erm, babies not seeing the same...
Hutchback (more mocking)
With proving that babies are...
Dr. Nostrum
...didn't see the same reality...
Hutchback
...Yaqui...
Dr. Nostrum
...as us.
Hutchback
...Indian Shaman. At Birth. And then they lose it (pause) by the age of 4. Yeah.
Dr. Nostrum
Something like that!
Dr. Nostrum
Do you remember that lab assistant – Natalia Coochy-Coochy? Yeah?
Hutchback
Yeah, of course I remember her.
Dr. Nostrum
She, er, she nicked my Carlos Catenada book, the first book.
Hutchback
Oh, well, there you go.
Dr. Nostrum
There you go – cos she wanted to get into Castenada I think.
Hutchback (deeply ambivalent)
Mm.
Dr. Nostrum
It's something you.. Castenada is something you leave behind.
Hutchback
Yes, absolutely
Dr. Nostrum
I just had a feeling that our dear friend Dr. Kawnholer was trying to prove somehow that Castenada works.
Hutchback (amazed)
Really?
Dr. Nostrum
I'm not sure where I got that from...
Hutchback
No he wasn't...
Dr. Nostrum
...was that years and years ago?
Hutchback
...why was he trying to prove that?
Dr. Nostrum
Not prove it.. I don't know, I've got this all mixed up, but, erm...
Hutchback
No he's not, he's doing Child Psychology.
Dr. Nostrum
I know, but you see, children are cross-eyed.
Hutchback (laughs mockingly at the very idea)
What, are they? All Children are...
Dr. Nostrum
All babies are cross-eyed.
Hutchback
That's cause they can only focus on things that close to...
Dr. Nostrum
But – are they seeing what Castenada saw?
Hutchback
No they're not! Looking at the world cross-eyed, you don't see parallel universes!
Dr. Nostrum
Mm, no.
Hutchback
It's not like they're just like, there.
Dr. Nostrum
No, but anyway...
Hutchback
Sorry, for podcast listeners, er, I just pointed slightly to the left and to the right of me.
Dr. Nostrum
(correcting Hutchback on the location of parallel universes) Not far in front of your face.
Hutchback
See, I'm being professional now.
Dr. Nostrum
Not far in front of your face.
Hutchback
This is being professional. A good face for radio...
Dr. Nostrum
I actually thought that..
Hutchback
There's a good face for radio, Jesus, that dog, look at that.
Dr. Nostrum
He's got one of those bra's on, one of those muzzle bras, what are they called?
Hutchback (unsure what the hell Nostrum is talking about)
Ye-ah
Dr. Nostrum
...The car bras. Oh no he doesn't, it's just a black face. (pause) Does he have a muzzle on?
Hutchback
He does have a muzzle on.
Dr. Nostrum
Shame for them – imagine if people had to do that.
Hutchback
Yeah. (beat) There's another one, with a sort of..
Dr. Nostrum
He hasn't got a muzzle on – the other one.
Hutchback
Yeah.
Dr. Nostrum
(beat) Anyway, I thought that what Kawnholer was trying to do – dear Kawnholer – was something to do with, erm, babies not seeing the same...
Hutchback (more mocking)
With proving that babies are...
Dr. Nostrum
...didn't see the same reality...
Hutchback
...Yaqui...
Dr. Nostrum
...as us.
Hutchback
...Indian Shaman. At Birth. And then they lose it (pause) by the age of 4. Yeah.
Dr. Nostrum
Something like that!
Angry? Hell No! Just punch George Anderson.
27/11/08
Dr Nostrum was just reminded today of the futility of misdirected Anger.
There have been periodic moments of insight, such as when I attempted to kill Hutchback several years ago to either prove that, yes, I could indeed empathize with the mindset of a murderer however much he attempted to harangue me into the belief that I could not, or, that there was something fundamentally close to madness in my mind that could only be exorcised by proving how easy it was to prove it.
Fortunately, Hutchback had the good sense to throw his urine bucket over me, whereupon I punched his reinforced cellar door snapping part of my offending hand in two.
This taught me to always favour my cudgel as a means of abuse, which we have spoken of previously.
What reminded me today was the wonderful visage of Mr. George Anderson, king of Anger Management, popping into my mind.
I had seen him on a show where Griff Rhys Jones spent a couple of hours burying his head in his and everyone else's sand trying to figure out why he was tense and angry - the fact that he has 8 coffee's in the morning may have something to do with setting him on edge, but that too was lost in the desert that is his self awareness.
Anyhow, importantly for Dr Nostrum, he showed us dear George Anderson, who has built an industry pointing out the bleedin' obvious to people so self obsessed they sail right past asking themselves why they are angry and are only satisfied when they have paid thousands to have someone else ask them.
And the reason George Anderson helped me calm my anger was the instant diffusing effect of his beatific face, that looks as if every one of his patients has taken out their frustration on by punching him in the nose (go on - look him up), as Chief White Halfoat correctly identified as the only sensible way to deal with every Dr Nostrum on the planet (bar yours truly).
So, I have vowed to reserve my anger until the day I too have the chance to punch George Anderson in the nose.
I suppose, in George's defense, it's as good a way to make a fortune as any other.
Dr Nostrum was just reminded today of the futility of misdirected Anger.
There have been periodic moments of insight, such as when I attempted to kill Hutchback several years ago to either prove that, yes, I could indeed empathize with the mindset of a murderer however much he attempted to harangue me into the belief that I could not, or, that there was something fundamentally close to madness in my mind that could only be exorcised by proving how easy it was to prove it.
Fortunately, Hutchback had the good sense to throw his urine bucket over me, whereupon I punched his reinforced cellar door snapping part of my offending hand in two.
This taught me to always favour my cudgel as a means of abuse, which we have spoken of previously.
What reminded me today was the wonderful visage of Mr. George Anderson, king of Anger Management, popping into my mind.
I had seen him on a show where Griff Rhys Jones spent a couple of hours burying his head in his and everyone else's sand trying to figure out why he was tense and angry - the fact that he has 8 coffee's in the morning may have something to do with setting him on edge, but that too was lost in the desert that is his self awareness.
Anyhow, importantly for Dr Nostrum, he showed us dear George Anderson, who has built an industry pointing out the bleedin' obvious to people so self obsessed they sail right past asking themselves why they are angry and are only satisfied when they have paid thousands to have someone else ask them.
And the reason George Anderson helped me calm my anger was the instant diffusing effect of his beatific face, that looks as if every one of his patients has taken out their frustration on by punching him in the nose (go on - look him up), as Chief White Halfoat correctly identified as the only sensible way to deal with every Dr Nostrum on the planet (bar yours truly).
So, I have vowed to reserve my anger until the day I too have the chance to punch George Anderson in the nose.
I suppose, in George's defense, it's as good a way to make a fortune as any other.
All Talk 8 - Castenada De-Bunked
25/11/08
To re-cap
Dr. Nostrum and Hutchback have been putting the world to rights whilst picnicking in a public park - one of the rare times that Hutchback sees the sun. Don't worry, he's chained to a stake at all times. After much deep thinking - see the rest of the "All Talk" series. Hutchback and Dr. Nostrum are briefly distracted...
Hutchback
Yeah, (beat) ooh look, there's some Greyhounds.
Dr. Nostrum
Do you think she's blind, that girl?
Hutchback
She's certainly playing football like she's blind.
Dr. Nostrum
No, no, look, that one wandering around there.
Hutchback
Which one wandering around where?
Dr. Nostrum
That one wandering around like she's blind, see? Look, she's got her arms out, see?
Hutchback
No
Dr. Nostrum
Look, look! Right here! She's got her eyes shut. Why has she got her eyes shut?
Hutchback (dryly)
Because it's a game.
Dr. Nostrum
To pretend you're blind?
Hutchback
It's the pretending you're blind game. It helps for later life, when you do go blind.
Dr. Nostrum
Yeah.
Hutchback
Actually, that would be quite, er, quite a good thing to do, you know, if someone just wants to cover every base – walk around for an hour every day with your eyes shut just in case you go blind.
(pause)
Dr. Nostrum
I used to go running with my eyes crossed in case I went cross-eyed. Well, no, I used to try and do that thing; do you remember Castenada?
Hutchback (preparing himself for the ridiculous)
Yes.
Dr. Nostrum
Somewhere in Castenada it said, you know, if, if you walk round all day with your eyes crossed you start to see the other world.
Hutchback
The, the most thoroughly de-bunked writer of our age, I think. Sadly.
Dr. Nostrum
But not by me
Hutchback
Not by you, but de-bunked by every, er, ethno, er, ethnographer, er...
Dr. Nostrum
Ethnographer?
Hutchback
Ethnographer, yes.
Dr. Nostrum
Well, what is Eth?
Hutchback
Ethnography? It's a science!
Dr. Nostrum
Ethnos? Of Ethnos'?
Hutchback
It's a science of studying human social behaviour.
Dr. Nostrum
Oh, Ok.
Hutchback
No, no, Cause he just, he just made it all up.
Dr. Nostrum
Ethnos'. I suppose so. He did? You think he made it all up?
Hutchback
Yeah, of course he did. Well, he didn't make up the stories cos they were all told to him by these Shaman.
Dr. Nostrum
Oh! I see, so the idea that he was actually on a process of anything?
Hutchback
Yeah
Dr. Nostrum
So he was just out there making...
Hutchback
He's been de-bunked.
Dr. Nostrum
...a bit of...
Hutchback
He's been seriously de-bunked.
Dr. Nostrum
...a bit of money.
Hutchback
Yeah, he made a lot of money. They were good books.
To re-cap
Dr. Nostrum and Hutchback have been putting the world to rights whilst picnicking in a public park - one of the rare times that Hutchback sees the sun. Don't worry, he's chained to a stake at all times. After much deep thinking - see the rest of the "All Talk" series. Hutchback and Dr. Nostrum are briefly distracted...
Hutchback
Yeah, (beat) ooh look, there's some Greyhounds.
Dr. Nostrum
Do you think she's blind, that girl?
Hutchback
She's certainly playing football like she's blind.
Dr. Nostrum
No, no, look, that one wandering around there.
Hutchback
Which one wandering around where?
Dr. Nostrum
That one wandering around like she's blind, see? Look, she's got her arms out, see?
Hutchback
No
Dr. Nostrum
Look, look! Right here! She's got her eyes shut. Why has she got her eyes shut?
Hutchback (dryly)
Because it's a game.
Dr. Nostrum
To pretend you're blind?
Hutchback
It's the pretending you're blind game. It helps for later life, when you do go blind.
Dr. Nostrum
Yeah.
Hutchback
Actually, that would be quite, er, quite a good thing to do, you know, if someone just wants to cover every base – walk around for an hour every day with your eyes shut just in case you go blind.
(pause)
Dr. Nostrum
I used to go running with my eyes crossed in case I went cross-eyed. Well, no, I used to try and do that thing; do you remember Castenada?
Hutchback (preparing himself for the ridiculous)
Yes.
Dr. Nostrum
Somewhere in Castenada it said, you know, if, if you walk round all day with your eyes crossed you start to see the other world.
Hutchback
The, the most thoroughly de-bunked writer of our age, I think. Sadly.
Dr. Nostrum
But not by me
Hutchback
Not by you, but de-bunked by every, er, ethno, er, ethnographer, er...
Dr. Nostrum
Ethnographer?
Hutchback
Ethnographer, yes.
Dr. Nostrum
Well, what is Eth?
Hutchback
Ethnography? It's a science!
Dr. Nostrum
Ethnos? Of Ethnos'?
Hutchback
It's a science of studying human social behaviour.
Dr. Nostrum
Oh, Ok.
Hutchback
No, no, Cause he just, he just made it all up.
Dr. Nostrum
Ethnos'. I suppose so. He did? You think he made it all up?
Hutchback
Yeah, of course he did. Well, he didn't make up the stories cos they were all told to him by these Shaman.
Dr. Nostrum
Oh! I see, so the idea that he was actually on a process of anything?
Hutchback
Yeah
Dr. Nostrum
So he was just out there making...
Hutchback
He's been de-bunked.
Dr. Nostrum
...a bit of...
Hutchback
He's been seriously de-bunked.
Dr. Nostrum
...a bit of money.
Hutchback
Yeah, he made a lot of money. They were good books.
All Talk 8 - Monster’s In British Football
25/11/08
Hutchback
(beat) we could talk briefly about the football – that's kind of boring.
Dr. Nostrum
The football?
Hutchback
Well, you know, Henry back to Arsenal and all that
Dr. Nostrum (totally uninterested)
Yeah
Hutchback
Avram Grant...
Dr. Nostrum (perking up)
Ah now, Avram Grant's quite interesting, cos I believe, Avram Gra.. if you cross Avram Grant with Ray Wilkins, you've got almost the entire cast of The Munsters, you know, in one person, so, um, that's not bad. If you put a blonde wig on one of them, they could do the..
Hutchback
And in fact Didier Drogba is not that far away – if he just was a different skin colour...
Dr. Nostrum
Right?
Hutchback
...he would look quite a bit like the wife.
Dr. Nostrum
Blonde hair...(pause) I can't rememeber...
Hutchback
She wasn't blonde, she had black hair
Dr. Nostrum
Oh, black hair, Elvira.
Hutchback
Yeah, that kind of look, cos he's...
Dr. Nostrum
She had a widow's peak.
Hutchback
...he's got the hair, he's definitely got the hair.
Dr. Nostrum
I thought she had long straight black hair?
Hutchback
So does he
Dr. Nostrum
Does he?
Hutchback
Yeah, it is now.
Dr. Nostrum
Oh, he straightens it then?
Hutchback
Yeah
Dr. Nostrum
Presumably
Hutchback
Yeah, you know (pause) he looks quite fetching really (pause) for an ugly cheating cunt.
Dr. Nostrum
I, I, I've quite enjoyed.. I have quite enjoyed seeing Avram grant on the sidelines. He's got a very, very (pause) evil (pause) face.
Hutchback
He is a bit like a Bond villain. He is, yeah, that's be quite good, he'd be like the slightly, um...
Dr. Nostrum
Him and the Pope.
Hutchback
...the slightly perverted Bond villain.
Dr. Nostrum
Mm
Hutchback
The one who had a kind of strange, er, sexual orientation that you, you're never quite sure the sort of, er, Goldfinger type who quite wanted to get Bond tied down on a..
Dr. Nostrum
And there can't be – similarly, there can't be, having gone back to that, there can't be many men who've undergone a (pause) worse (pause) ageing process than Ray Wilkins?
Hutchback
Yeah, cause he does look about 80.
Dr. Nostrum
Yeah, he kind of looks like Nosferatu, which he could become and that's the thing – he used to be a young, er, fop, well, he was never a fop, but he definitely had hair
Hutchback
He did. When he had hair, he was quite dashing I would say.
Dr. Nostrum
Yeah
Hutchback
Yes. And he now looks like a fucking egg.
Dr. Nostrum
He does look kind of weird.
Hutchback
He looks like a fucking egg with ears.
Dr. Nostrum
What's the other one, who's the other one that looks like Nosferatu? (Jim Rosenthal- ed)
Hutchback
Erm, Iain Dowie?
Dr. Nostrum
Oh, now he looks like Frankenstien. You have, you've got quite a cast of characters. If you could get those 3 on a panel... When Avram Grant's been sacked, or, whatever, replaced...
Hutchback
He's the Grandfather
Dr. Nostrum
Yeah! He's the Grandfather and you've got Uncle Fester is Ray Wilkins and you've got Iain Dowie who's the tall one at the back...
Hutchback
Yeah...
Dr. Nostrum
...if you darken his hair.
Hutchback
That would work.
Dr. Nostrum
And then you have Karen Brady, not that I know what she looks like, but, er, she does have a scar on her head somewhere so... I presume.
Hutchback
Mm.
Dr. Nostrum
Oh, no, they do it with a Gamma knife, so you can't even get that far – fucking Gamma Knife's! Anyway...
Hutchback
Gamma Knife? What happened to all the other one's, The Alpha, Beta, were they all failed...
Dr. Nostrum
They're early versions that they, er, tried out on prisoners.
Hutchback
Unfortunately they killed everyone they came into contact with.
Dr. Nostrum
Yeah
Hutchback
Yeah, (beat) ooh look, there's some Greyhounds.
Hutchback
(beat) we could talk briefly about the football – that's kind of boring.
Dr. Nostrum
The football?
Hutchback
Well, you know, Henry back to Arsenal and all that
Dr. Nostrum (totally uninterested)
Yeah
Hutchback
Avram Grant...
Dr. Nostrum (perking up)
Ah now, Avram Grant's quite interesting, cos I believe, Avram Gra.. if you cross Avram Grant with Ray Wilkins, you've got almost the entire cast of The Munsters, you know, in one person, so, um, that's not bad. If you put a blonde wig on one of them, they could do the..
Hutchback
And in fact Didier Drogba is not that far away – if he just was a different skin colour...
Dr. Nostrum
Right?
Hutchback
...he would look quite a bit like the wife.
Dr. Nostrum
Blonde hair...(pause) I can't rememeber...
Hutchback
She wasn't blonde, she had black hair
Dr. Nostrum
Oh, black hair, Elvira.
Hutchback
Yeah, that kind of look, cos he's...
Dr. Nostrum
She had a widow's peak.
Hutchback
...he's got the hair, he's definitely got the hair.
Dr. Nostrum
I thought she had long straight black hair?
Hutchback
So does he
Dr. Nostrum
Does he?
Hutchback
Yeah, it is now.
Dr. Nostrum
Oh, he straightens it then?
Hutchback
Yeah
Dr. Nostrum
Presumably
Hutchback
Yeah, you know (pause) he looks quite fetching really (pause) for an ugly cheating cunt.
Dr. Nostrum
I, I, I've quite enjoyed.. I have quite enjoyed seeing Avram grant on the sidelines. He's got a very, very (pause) evil (pause) face.
Hutchback
He is a bit like a Bond villain. He is, yeah, that's be quite good, he'd be like the slightly, um...
Dr. Nostrum
Him and the Pope.
Hutchback
...the slightly perverted Bond villain.
Dr. Nostrum
Mm
Hutchback
The one who had a kind of strange, er, sexual orientation that you, you're never quite sure the sort of, er, Goldfinger type who quite wanted to get Bond tied down on a..
Dr. Nostrum
And there can't be – similarly, there can't be, having gone back to that, there can't be many men who've undergone a (pause) worse (pause) ageing process than Ray Wilkins?
Hutchback
Yeah, cause he does look about 80.
Dr. Nostrum
Yeah, he kind of looks like Nosferatu, which he could become and that's the thing – he used to be a young, er, fop, well, he was never a fop, but he definitely had hair
Hutchback
He did. When he had hair, he was quite dashing I would say.
Dr. Nostrum
Yeah
Hutchback
Yes. And he now looks like a fucking egg.
Dr. Nostrum
He does look kind of weird.
Hutchback
He looks like a fucking egg with ears.
Dr. Nostrum
What's the other one, who's the other one that looks like Nosferatu? (Jim Rosenthal- ed)
Hutchback
Erm, Iain Dowie?
Dr. Nostrum
Oh, now he looks like Frankenstien. You have, you've got quite a cast of characters. If you could get those 3 on a panel... When Avram Grant's been sacked, or, whatever, replaced...
Hutchback
He's the Grandfather
Dr. Nostrum
Yeah! He's the Grandfather and you've got Uncle Fester is Ray Wilkins and you've got Iain Dowie who's the tall one at the back...
Hutchback
Yeah...
Dr. Nostrum
...if you darken his hair.
Hutchback
That would work.
Dr. Nostrum
And then you have Karen Brady, not that I know what she looks like, but, er, she does have a scar on her head somewhere so... I presume.
Hutchback
Mm.
Dr. Nostrum
Oh, no, they do it with a Gamma knife, so you can't even get that far – fucking Gamma Knife's! Anyway...
Hutchback
Gamma Knife? What happened to all the other one's, The Alpha, Beta, were they all failed...
Dr. Nostrum
They're early versions that they, er, tried out on prisoners.
Hutchback
Unfortunately they killed everyone they came into contact with.
Dr. Nostrum
Yeah
Hutchback
Yeah, (beat) ooh look, there's some Greyhounds.
All Talk 7 - Two Men In Search Of An Idea
25/11/08
Dr. Nostrum
Now, what I think, I believe, might actually be successful, is just working towards something that is, um... (pause) you have a firm fix on - No, that doesn't make sense - so going back to that kind of idea that you create this.. these characters, this project, and then you can go through. You – we've done this anyway – you sit there and you talk all the way through all the episodes. Now that wasn't (pause) empty, that wasn't devoid of, er, er, (pause) humor, and there was less editing in that, because, what we're not doing is talking about stuff which is kind of (pause) intrinsically (pause) too big. It's pretty small beer.
Hutchback
Yeah, but that requires a lot more effort than...
Dr. Nostrum (ironic sympathy)
Oh dear!
Hutchback
...than talking random crap.
Dr. Nostrum
Well, yeah, but it was just, it was still fun.
(beat)
Hutchback
So, in fact, Episode 1 is 'Two Men In Search Of A Podcast'
Dr. Nostrum
'...in search of an idea' well, that would be it, you come up with a podca.. oh, bloody hell, I can see I've got a lot of editing to do here.
Hutchback
Well?
Dr. Nostrum (Hutchback's laughing)
But, yeah, why not? That would be fine, that would be fine, in.. you kn.. two people who.. ye.. now.. we've already created a TV series that won't be written and now we've created a...
Hutchback
...podcast that will never get...
Dr. Nostrum
...broadcast.
Hutchback
Well, no, cause the thing is we could put this up, tomorrow...
Dr. Nostrum
That's true, you could.
Hutchback
...and it's there: a Podcast. The fact that no-one listens to it is neither here nor there.
Dr. Nostrum
Well, yeah (beat) I might listen to it
Hutchback
And according to my theory...
Dr. Nostrum
Yeah
Hutchback
...it's as valid as Tolstoy.
Dr. Nostrum
Because he could be put up tomorrow and no-one will listen to him either.
Hutchback
Because, yeah, you could read out Tolstoy and put that up there and no-one will listen to that either.
Dr. Nostrum
So actually, cultural significance is down to your advertising budget?
(pause)
Hutchback
It's about (pause) it's about the lowest common denominator: Public Taste. The, er, taste of the common man.
Dr. Nostrum
Er, I'm quite interested in the taste of the common man, but, er (pause) I'm not that interested in Big events so maybe I am, in fact...
Hutchback
But you're interested in Bigamy.
Dr. Nostrum (free associating)
...Bigamy. Big in, Big in me, Biggin Hill
Hutchback
(beat) we could talk briefly about the football – that's kind of boring.
Dr. Nostrum
The football?
Dr. Nostrum
Now, what I think, I believe, might actually be successful, is just working towards something that is, um... (pause) you have a firm fix on - No, that doesn't make sense - so going back to that kind of idea that you create this.. these characters, this project, and then you can go through. You – we've done this anyway – you sit there and you talk all the way through all the episodes. Now that wasn't (pause) empty, that wasn't devoid of, er, er, (pause) humor, and there was less editing in that, because, what we're not doing is talking about stuff which is kind of (pause) intrinsically (pause) too big. It's pretty small beer.
Hutchback
Yeah, but that requires a lot more effort than...
Dr. Nostrum (ironic sympathy)
Oh dear!
Hutchback
...than talking random crap.
Dr. Nostrum
Well, yeah, but it was just, it was still fun.
(beat)
Hutchback
So, in fact, Episode 1 is 'Two Men In Search Of A Podcast'
Dr. Nostrum
'...in search of an idea' well, that would be it, you come up with a podca.. oh, bloody hell, I can see I've got a lot of editing to do here.
Hutchback
Well?
Dr. Nostrum (Hutchback's laughing)
But, yeah, why not? That would be fine, that would be fine, in.. you kn.. two people who.. ye.. now.. we've already created a TV series that won't be written and now we've created a...
Hutchback
...podcast that will never get...
Dr. Nostrum
...broadcast.
Hutchback
Well, no, cause the thing is we could put this up, tomorrow...
Dr. Nostrum
That's true, you could.
Hutchback
...and it's there: a Podcast. The fact that no-one listens to it is neither here nor there.
Dr. Nostrum
Well, yeah (beat) I might listen to it
Hutchback
And according to my theory...
Dr. Nostrum
Yeah
Hutchback
...it's as valid as Tolstoy.
Dr. Nostrum
Because he could be put up tomorrow and no-one will listen to him either.
Hutchback
Because, yeah, you could read out Tolstoy and put that up there and no-one will listen to that either.
Dr. Nostrum
So actually, cultural significance is down to your advertising budget?
(pause)
Hutchback
It's about (pause) it's about the lowest common denominator: Public Taste. The, er, taste of the common man.
Dr. Nostrum
Er, I'm quite interested in the taste of the common man, but, er (pause) I'm not that interested in Big events so maybe I am, in fact...
Hutchback
But you're interested in Bigamy.
Dr. Nostrum (free associating)
...Bigamy. Big in, Big in me, Biggin Hill
Hutchback
(beat) we could talk briefly about the football – that's kind of boring.
Dr. Nostrum
The football?
All Talk 6 - How Not To Podcast Like Brand And Fry
25/11/08
Dr. Nostrum
There's another theme appearing, (pause) which is that a lot of the podcast isn't gonna be funny.
Hutchback
Yes
Dr. Nostrum
And actually, actually it's just going to be thinking about things, which is not funny – and does that matter?
Hutchback
No
Dr. Nostrum
No, it doesn't, so you see that.. that's different to, er, people before, because talented people are relentlessly funny, whereas, um...
Hutchback
Whereas...
Dr. Nostrum
...cos they're comedians
Hutchback
Whereas, we're very sporadically mildly...
Together
...amusing.
Dr. Nostrum
Yeah. Now that would be a good ti...
Hutchback
'Sporadically mildly amusing'
Dr. Nostrum
No, that would be a good title for the whole series 'Sporadically Mildly Amusing' (pause) 'You Might Laugh (pause) Occasionally.'
Hutchback
No I think that's being a little bit ambitious. You might occasionally do a half smile.
Dr. Nostrum
Yeah
Hutchback
I would say laughing out loud, that's a, that's (pause) a bridge too far.
(beat)
Dr. Nostrum
Still, there's a lot of editing
Hutchback
Lot of editing
Dr. Nostrum
With a lot of editing...
Hutchback
A lot of editing
Dr. Nostrum
You could get a couple of minutes out of it. (Hutchback is obviously skeptical) No, you could. Why not? A couple of minutes. That's enough for a You Tube series.
Hutchback
It's quite staggering, when you think about (pause) the capabilities of someone like Stephen Fry, or, or Russell Brand even.
Dr. Nostrum
Russell Brand?
Hutchback
Russell Brand, yes, his radio...
Dr. Nostrum
What, you mean the capability...
Hutchback
...show
Dr. Nostrum
...to mainline something that is amusing
Hutchback
Yes, just spontaneously.
Dr. Nostrum
Mm. Well, I dunno, I think some people get a rise out of all sorts of things, don't they?
Hutchback
Yeah, but there's an intellectual (pause) capacity that both of those people have...
Dr. Nostrum
Oh, I don't aspire to any intellectual capacity
Hutchback
No, but that's what enables then to just come out with (pause) surreal and, and – non-sequitors on one hand – and, kind of... (pause)
Dr. Nostrum
Hmm
Hutchback (searching for the words)
...grandiose, (pause) theorizing and (pause) lyrical (pause) narrative on the other. There we go; we came up with some words there.
Dr. Nostrum
There's another theme appearing, (pause) which is that a lot of the podcast isn't gonna be funny.
Hutchback
Yes
Dr. Nostrum
And actually, actually it's just going to be thinking about things, which is not funny – and does that matter?
Hutchback
No
Dr. Nostrum
No, it doesn't, so you see that.. that's different to, er, people before, because talented people are relentlessly funny, whereas, um...
Hutchback
Whereas...
Dr. Nostrum
...cos they're comedians
Hutchback
Whereas, we're very sporadically mildly...
Together
...amusing.
Dr. Nostrum
Yeah. Now that would be a good ti...
Hutchback
'Sporadically mildly amusing'
Dr. Nostrum
No, that would be a good title for the whole series 'Sporadically Mildly Amusing' (pause) 'You Might Laugh (pause) Occasionally.'
Hutchback
No I think that's being a little bit ambitious. You might occasionally do a half smile.
Dr. Nostrum
Yeah
Hutchback
I would say laughing out loud, that's a, that's (pause) a bridge too far.
(beat)
Dr. Nostrum
Still, there's a lot of editing
Hutchback
Lot of editing
Dr. Nostrum
With a lot of editing...
Hutchback
A lot of editing
Dr. Nostrum
You could get a couple of minutes out of it. (Hutchback is obviously skeptical) No, you could. Why not? A couple of minutes. That's enough for a You Tube series.
Hutchback
It's quite staggering, when you think about (pause) the capabilities of someone like Stephen Fry, or, or Russell Brand even.
Dr. Nostrum
Russell Brand?
Hutchback
Russell Brand, yes, his radio...
Dr. Nostrum
What, you mean the capability...
Hutchback
...show
Dr. Nostrum
...to mainline something that is amusing
Hutchback
Yes, just spontaneously.
Dr. Nostrum
Mm. Well, I dunno, I think some people get a rise out of all sorts of things, don't they?
Hutchback
Yeah, but there's an intellectual (pause) capacity that both of those people have...
Dr. Nostrum
Oh, I don't aspire to any intellectual capacity
Hutchback
No, but that's what enables then to just come out with (pause) surreal and, and – non-sequitors on one hand – and, kind of... (pause)
Dr. Nostrum
Hmm
Hutchback (searching for the words)
...grandiose, (pause) theorizing and (pause) lyrical (pause) narrative on the other. There we go; we came up with some words there.
All Talk 5 - Cultural Relativity expounded & Podacst plans
24/11/08
Hutchback
...that's why we will go back to my original idea, which is talking in excruciating detail about what we did today cause that's the only thing you can claim to have any.. even the vaguest chance of having any insight into and even then that would be pushing it.
Dr. Nostrum
Yeah
Hutchback
But, anyway, to go back to my theory – and I think this will now become the theme of our first podcast...
Dr. Nostrum
Is that cultural..?
Hutchback
...is that, strictly speaking, empirically ah, er, scientifically speaking, there is no difference between...
Dr. Nostrum
Big Brother
Hutchback
...what went on in the Big Brother house today...
Dr. Nostrum
Yeah
Hutchback
...and (pause) and the er (pause) Boer War.
(long pause)
Dr. Nostrum
Oh, ok, I get it, so basically any.. anything is entertainment? Or...
Hutchback
No!
Dr. Nostrum
...anything is cultural as long as it's, er, you can look at it?
Hutchback
Er, ah, erm, No, I would say it's not so much the, erm...
Dr. Nostrum
The importance
Hutchback
The actual, wh.. ah, er, wuh.. it's not the impact that an event has on the world (pause) because I think, clearly, the Boer War had more impact than day 47 in the Big Brother house, but...
Dr. Nostrum
But it didn't get as many viewers.
Hutchback
...it didn't get as many viewers and, and there are far more people that care what went on in the Big Brother house on day 47 than care about what happened in the Boer War, so therefore...
Dr. Nostrum
You think so?
Hutchback
Yes
Dr. Nostrum
What, even at the time it was happening?
Hutchback
No, no, no. Now.
Dr. Nostrum
Oh, now! Oh right, I thought you meant at the time of each event...
Hutchback
No, no but even, even...
Dr. Nostrum
Even then.
Hutchback
...even now, I would suggest...
Dr. Nostrum
Afghanistan...
Hutchback
Yes!
Dr. Nostrum
...is less important than...
Hutchback
Is less important than...
Together
...Big Brother.
Hutchback
Because...
Dr. Nostrum
Culturally.
Hutchback
...culturally, well, to, to...
Dr. Nostrum
Well maybe not in 10 years, but at the time?
Hutchback
No, because, er... (long pause)
Dr. Nostrum
Hard to say.
Hutchback
The.. if, you know, if you think about (pause) significance on an individual level...
Dr. Nostrum
Yeah, I don't spend much time...
Hutchback
...it doesn't matter. All these things they kind of don't really matter. They're kind of going on somewhere – everything's going on somewhere... (pause)
Dr. Nostrum
Yeah?
Hutchback
...Somewhere not in your direct, sort of, presence, therefore (pause) it's kind of up to you whether something's important or not.
Dr. Nostrum
Th.. there's another theme appearing, (pause) which is that a lot of the podcast isn't gonna be funny.
Hutchback
Hutchback
...that's why we will go back to my original idea, which is talking in excruciating detail about what we did today cause that's the only thing you can claim to have any.. even the vaguest chance of having any insight into and even then that would be pushing it.
Dr. Nostrum
Yeah
Hutchback
But, anyway, to go back to my theory – and I think this will now become the theme of our first podcast...
Dr. Nostrum
Is that cultural..?
Hutchback
...is that, strictly speaking, empirically ah, er, scientifically speaking, there is no difference between...
Dr. Nostrum
Big Brother
Hutchback
...what went on in the Big Brother house today...
Dr. Nostrum
Yeah
Hutchback
...and (pause) and the er (pause) Boer War.
(long pause)
Dr. Nostrum
Oh, ok, I get it, so basically any.. anything is entertainment? Or...
Hutchback
No!
Dr. Nostrum
...anything is cultural as long as it's, er, you can look at it?
Hutchback
Er, ah, erm, No, I would say it's not so much the, erm...
Dr. Nostrum
The importance
Hutchback
The actual, wh.. ah, er, wuh.. it's not the impact that an event has on the world (pause) because I think, clearly, the Boer War had more impact than day 47 in the Big Brother house, but...
Dr. Nostrum
But it didn't get as many viewers.
Hutchback
...it didn't get as many viewers and, and there are far more people that care what went on in the Big Brother house on day 47 than care about what happened in the Boer War, so therefore...
Dr. Nostrum
You think so?
Hutchback
Yes
Dr. Nostrum
What, even at the time it was happening?
Hutchback
No, no, no. Now.
Dr. Nostrum
Oh, now! Oh right, I thought you meant at the time of each event...
Hutchback
No, no but even, even...
Dr. Nostrum
Even then.
Hutchback
...even now, I would suggest...
Dr. Nostrum
Afghanistan...
Hutchback
Yes!
Dr. Nostrum
...is less important than...
Hutchback
Is less important than...
Together
...Big Brother.
Hutchback
Because...
Dr. Nostrum
Culturally.
Hutchback
...culturally, well, to, to...
Dr. Nostrum
Well maybe not in 10 years, but at the time?
Hutchback
No, because, er... (long pause)
Dr. Nostrum
Hard to say.
Hutchback
The.. if, you know, if you think about (pause) significance on an individual level...
Dr. Nostrum
Yeah, I don't spend much time...
Hutchback
...it doesn't matter. All these things they kind of don't really matter. They're kind of going on somewhere – everything's going on somewhere... (pause)
Dr. Nostrum
Yeah?
Hutchback
...Somewhere not in your direct, sort of, presence, therefore (pause) it's kind of up to you whether something's important or not.
Dr. Nostrum
Th.. there's another theme appearing, (pause) which is that a lot of the podcast isn't gonna be funny.
Hutchback
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