Sunday, 12 April 2009
Oh what a lovely move I've made
Monday, 9 February 2009
2009 Predictions Part 5 - Bankers' Prison Island
(off topic: yes that was a reference to the Golden Dawn on tonight's Eastenders, what next Aleister Crowley turns up and sacrifices Minty to the god Horus).
These Bankers (or as we should refer to them Banksters) are set fair for a good few billion in bonuses. This is surely the equivalent of giving a mugger a tip after he has kneed you in the testicles and stolen your watch, wallet, and mobile phone.
So my prediction is that by the end of the year the world community will have set up prison islands in the South Atlantic, and we will ship the whole festering lot of them off to these desolate windblown frozen hellholes.
They can then sub-prime eachother to their hearts content.
Sunday, 8 February 2009
All Talk 59 - Animals in Hardware
(they’re now walking down the street to the tool shop)
HUTCHBACK
Ok, so, here. She told me I can’t go in here. No. I need to buy a.. I need to buy a.. What does she want?
DR. NOSTRUM
Who?
HUTCHBACK
She. The wife. (mocking) Who? Who’s she? She wants to get some kind of.. oh, fuck, some kind of jar.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, you can always ask in the shop. “I’d like some kind of jar.”
HUTCHBACK
A jar to put something into, but I can’t remember what, because...
DR. NOSTRUM
Flowers?
HUTCHBACK
No, cause we’ve already flour.. no, n, no, no, no, we’ve got a flour.. I need.. I said I’d buy her a cake tin, (pause) but she also wanted a jar.
DR. NOSTRUM
Pickles?
HUTCHBACK
No, to put stuff into.
DR. NOSTRUM
Get her a Mason jar.
HUTCHBACK
Well, yeah, I know, we’ve bought loads of them, but I don’t know what size to get if I don’t know what’s going in it, do I? I mean I might buy this small one and she goes “NO!” or, I might get a huge one and...
DR. NOSTRUM
(imitating) “NO!”
HUTCHBACK
...and it’s just for nuts.
(they walk a little further to the ironmonger, it’s an old fashioned shop with a sparse selection of tools in packs hanging on pegs on the wall – HUTCHBACK points to a lonely tool high up, out of reach)
Ah, you see, look, there it is! That’s just what I want!
DR. NOSTRUM
But do you want that, or do you want that?
HUTCHBACK
Huh?
DR. NOSTRUM
Those. The water pump pliers?
HUTCHBACK
Oh.
DR. NOSTRUM
More secure. Too big maybe, but if you get a smaller version of that, they’re better than those.
HUTCHBACK
And cheaper.
DR. NOSTRUM
Are they? Then they’re probably worse.
HUTCHBACK
No, cause those (his first choice) slip.
DR. NOSTRUM
But they don’t look like they’ve got them, so..
HUTCHBACK
You know what, I don’t think that’s going to work because it’s round. I need something that clamps. I need a monkey wrench!
DR. NOSTRUM
No, you just need an adjustable, er..
HUTCHBACK
I need a monkey wrench, yeah, the one that you can clip together.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well.. where did that come from, when do monkey’s..?
HUTCHBACK
I don’t know where it came from but it’s called a monkey wrench.
DR. NOSTRUM
Are you sure?
HUTCHBACK
Yes. It’s definitely called a monkey wrench. You know, cause monkey’s are very.. they’ve got flexible tails, haven’t they? They’re very pre-hensile.
DR. NOSTRUM
I’m not sure that’s what they are.
HUTCHBACK
Well shall I ask him for a monkey wrench and see what he brings out?
DR. NOSTRUM
What kind of monkey?
HUTCHBACK
(scouring the display) He doesn’t have a monkey wrench.
DR. NOSTRUM
A Rhesus monkey? An orangutan? That’s an ape.
(They move to the counter, where there’s a customer being served)
HUTCHBACK
Well, if it’s not up there he’s not going to have one is he? How about just getting those large pair of secuters?
DR. NOSTRUM
I’ve bought a few of those.
HUTCHBACK
Or an axe?
DR. NOSTRUM
Yep, I’ve bought an axe. I’ve bought most of the things on this wall actually.
HUTCHBACK
You could basically.. I mean, this is where serial killers come isn’t it?
DR. NOSTRUM
They could get better tools than this.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, but they wouldn’t go to a big store cos then they might be on cctv, they’d come to a small shop like this.
DR. NOSTRUM
You think?
HUTCHBACK
Yep. Hacksaw, axe, secuters. That’s all you need. (beat – The Ironmoger finishes with his suspiciously serial killer like customer and is ready for HUTCHBACK, who speaks very slowly fearing the man is of poor education) Do you have a monkey wrench?
IRONMONGER
Yes
HUTCHBACK
You do?
IRONMONGER
Yes.
HUTCHBACK
Is it what I think it is though? I’m asking for something and I don’t actually know if it’s the right thing.
IRONMONGER
Right.
HUTCHBACK
I need something to clamp onto a round.. thing.. to, like, er... (mimes clamping a wrench)
IRONMONGER
Yes.
HUTCHBACK
...to turn.
IRONMONGER
Okey-doke, I’ll pull out something from the back (he scuttles off)
HUTCHBACK
(to the DR.) See?
DR. NOSTRUM
Let’s see what he brings out.
HUTCHBACK
He’ll bring out a monkey holding a wrench.
DR. NOSTRUM
Maybe. Maybe that’s what it is.
HUTCHBACK
They are called monkey wrenches, I’m sure that’s what it is. Thing is, I’m buying this for a very specific purpose, will I ever need it again?
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, they’re very useful.
HUTCHBACK
You don’t even know what it is!
DR. NOSTRUM
No, but I know a clamping wrench is very useful. For all sorts of things.
HUTCHBACK
Mainly clamping type activities. Anything here take your fancy?
(the IRONMONGER returns)
IRONMONGER
Is that what you want?
HUTCHBACK
That is what I want! I don’t know if it’s big enough though, um, let me have a look. Ooh. How wide does it open? (the IRONMONGER shows him)
DR. NOSTRUM
No, it’s not big enough.
IRONMONGER
No, I’ll see if I’ve got bigger ones.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah
DR. NOSTRUM
(to IRONMONGER) Why are they called monkey wrenches?
HUTCHBACK
No one knows.
IRONMONGER
Well, these are mole grips actually. I mean.. yes...
HUTCHBACK
Oh, are they called mole grips? Well, Mole Grips!
IRONMONGER
...I think monkey wrenches are the waterproof ones.
HUTCHBACK
Oh, right.
IRONMONGER
I sell these all the time, I got 2 or 3 types. (he disappears again)
DR. NOSTRUM
That’s the logic behind it.
HUTCHBACK
Well, monkeys are more waterproof, typically, than moles.
DR. NOSTRUM
I don’t know.
HUTCHBACK
No, they would be! Moles and water don’t go together at all.
DR. NOSTRUM
A monkey wrench and mole grips. A parrot..?
HUTCHBACK
Parrot claw?
(a call comes from the back)
IRONMONGER
That’s the biggest one we’ve got at the moment.
HUTCHBACK
Oh. Ok.
IRONMONGER
Are there any hanging up?
HUTCHBACK
No, you’ve just got, um, normal, er wotsits. Alright then.
IRONMONGER
Sorry
HUTCHBACK
Alright, no worries.
IRONMONGER
Er, Thomas Brothers at the Archway, where the roundabout after Suicide Bridge is, try them.
HUTCHBACK
Alright then, thank you. (they leave and walk off at pace back towards the car) See!
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, I’m wracking my brain now, I’m trying to think what other implements there are.
Saturday, 7 February 2009
All Talk 58 - Shopping at Warmongers via Will Self
DR. NOSTRUM and HUTCHBACK have taken a break to write the second draft of their meisterwerk CELEBRITY AUSCHWITZ, but more of that later... As we drop in, The DR. is telling HUTCHBACK of a radio station he picked up by accident but could only find in an extremely small area of North London. It may have been Will Self on his CB.
HUTCHBACK
Is it aimed purely at Jews?
DR. NOSTRUM
I don’t know, I don’t think so.
HUTCHBACK
You could only pick it up between Swiss Cottage and Golders Green; The Hampstead, Swiss Cottage, Golders Green golden Jewish triangle.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, but I mean I tried to find it later, but all I could find was dance music.
HUTCHBACK
Well, search for it, search for it.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, maybe..
HUTCHBACK
Are you sure it was Will Self?
DR. NOSTRUM
No I'm not sure it's Will Self, but he was talking about.. and then..
HUTCHBACK
I mean there can’t be that many people that sound like Will Self.
DR. NOSTRUM
No… and that's what I thought and also.. also it was the manner of the speaking.. he was talking about (puts on Will Self voice and starts misquoting) "the Great Emblotchment of the 1920's was a scandal that reached worldwide" and then went on to tell a 10 minute story about the Great Emblotchment about how "and Emblotchment spread throughout the Universe and thus we all became Emblotched, it was started accidentally by William Pitt the Elder.”
HUTCHBACK
Ah
DR. NOSTRUM
It just seemed to be, er, (pause) him.
HUTCHBACK
Or someone pretending to be him.
DR. NOSTRUM
Someone pretending to be him. Which seems pointless
HUTCHBACK
Why pretend to be Will Self when you could pretend to be, you know, George Bush Senior?
DR. NOSTRUM
Are you recording?
HUTCHBACK
Yes, I’m recording. This is a recording.
(They leave the HUTCHBACK's lair, the hated Blue Van is parked just down the street a little)
HUTCHBACK
You see I’m so paranoid now about the Blue Van that I get nervous when I think, ‘Well, how long am I going for?’
DR. NOSTRUM
Thinking he’s going to move it back in.
HUTCHBACK
‘Will he be looking out of his window...
DR. NOSTRUM
Waiting for you.
HUTCHBACK
...waiting for his moment so he can reverse into my space and break down again. The cunt. The Great Emblotchment.
(They get onto the HUTCHBACK's Trap, the search for tools has begun)
HUTCHBACK
Should I go to a Corporate Megastore..
DR. NOSTRUM
No! It doesn’t matter, anywhere.
HUTCHBACK
No, no, I’m not asking you...
DR. NOSTRUM
Ok.
HUTCHBACK
...I’m debating it out loud...
DR. NOSTRUM
Well...
HUTCHBACK
...deciding whether to give my money to a Corporate Megastore..
DR. NOSTRUM
...don’t debate it out loud, just debate it internally and turn up somewhere.
HUTCHBACK
No, well, either I go left or.. oh, I’m going straight on. cos now this is more of a random drive, than an actual focused..
DR. NOSTRUM
What, are you just going to drive until you see a Bee and queue?
HUTCHBACK
No, no, I know where the Bee and Queue is..
DR. NOSTRUM
Well there’s one every 600 yards.
HUTCHBACK
Particularly on this stretch of road. No. You know what, I’m being an idiot there is a Tool shop just down the road.
DR. NOSTRUM
So you go in there and say “I need a tool.”
HUTCHBACK
I need a tool, can you help me? I’m missing a tool.
DR. NOSTRUM
And he brings out a row of, er, characters, from the back of the shop. (pause) So what..
HUTCHBACK
Along with one slightly, slightly used penis.
DR. NOSTRUM
What is the..
HUTCHBACK
Oh, that was quite good.. Oh, sorry, go on.
DR. NOSTRUM
What will this tool be used for?
HUTCHBACK
I just want a tool.
DR. NOSTRUM
That will both butter my toast and unscrew a light bulb.
HUTCHBACK
And make my wife love me, again. (pause) See, now I’ve forgotten what I was going to say, you see, that’s the problem.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, it’s not a problem, cos if it’s good enough it’ll come back.
HUTCHBACK
No, it isn’t good enough, it’s actually something I wanted to say.
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh (pause) something about tools? Something about a tool that you need?
HUTCHBACK
No. If I’d have interrupted your interruption I’d have been alright.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, but it can’t have been.. Nothing is important. (pause) Really.
HUTCHBACK
In the great words of Freddie Mercury.
DR. NOSTRUM
Is that what he said?
HUTCHBACK
(a near miss whilst driving) Ooooh!
DR. NOSTRUM
D’you ever have that opinion that Talk radio is just a lot of people’s opinions about stuff.
HUTCHBACK
I don’t think that’s so much an opinion as a statement of fact.
DR. NOSTRUM
It just seems that when I think about how they promote themselves and then they’ve got all these programmes relentlessly on where people call in and tell you what they think about things. It’s just, all they are is just a series of people calling up and telling you what they think about things, it’s just a waste of time.
HUTCHBACK
Mm.
DR. NOSTRUM
It’s really pointless. I mean the idea of broadcasting that... as if people calling you up and telling you what they’re thinking is worth broadcasting to the nation...
HUTCHBACK
It’s a public service.
DR. NOSTRUM
...It’s a crazy idea.
HUTCHBACK
It’s a public service.
DR. NOSTRUM
It seems that the chief quality required by the DJ is the ability to say, “I just need to hurry you up there.” (pause) Um, this is where I was driving down where I saw a guy wheeling a gurney with a body on it...
HUTCHBACK
Really
DR. NOSTRUM
...under a sheet, yeah.
HUTCHBACK
See, there you go, ‘Local Ironmongers’. You don’t see Ironmongers much anymore, do you?
DR. NOSTRUM
I don’t know how you monger iron anyway.
HUTCHBACK
(irate member of the public voice) “Stop mongering that iron, yer bastard! Didn’t anyone tell you it was rude?”
DR. NOSTRUM
I wonder what the difference between mongering iron and fish is? Not much.
HUTCHBACK
Yep
DR. NOSTRUM
It’s all in the display.
HUTCHBACK
(musing) Mongering.
DR. NOSTRUM
There aren’t many mongers. It’s not.. There’s no.. there’s no Greenmonger...
HUTCHBACK
Well no, but the.. the...
DR. NOSTRUM
They’re grocers.
HUTCHBACK
But then what does a Warmonger do?
DR. NOSTRUM
He lays all the wars out...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, puts out a nice bit of green baize, sort of a green artificial grass, erm, price’s it up, and um, and then you get, you get your...
DR. NOSTRUM
Dictators coming in buying ‘em up.
HUTCHBACK
And then you buy it by the pound.
DR. NOSTRUM
“How much is your 1914-18?”
HUTCHBACK
“How much is the, um, Crimea? Nice bit of Crimea.”
Friday, 6 February 2009
Love in the time of Diarrhoea
Now when we last spoke I mentioned the fact that I had met a French jolie dame and was in love. I feel now is the time to expand on this. As you know I spent a hectic few days in a rather odd French town, I believe the locals referred to it as Seule. And the dialect of French they spoke was incomprehensible to these cauliflower ears. My last night was rather incident packed and now I can recount the tale.
Having spent the day with a gurgling bowel from my strange breakfast of gristly soup (with added dog collar) – I was in need of some kind of assistance. I wandered the frantic streets and alleyways, the whole town seemed to be out and I had to dodge many a careening Frenchman. I at last found some peace in a side street that looked empty except for one small café.
I include the picture here for elucidation. It was a jolly enough place and I thought that a coffee would calm my intestinal torment. The French make a good coffee and as you can see from the photograph the two Frenchmen (or is one a ventriloquist and the other a dummy, can’t quite make out) appear to be enjoying a cup of their national drink.
So I entered and sat down. The café was empty except for a very old and frail lady who stooped at the counter with a damp cloth. Eventually she noticed me and came over. Now as you know my attempts to converse in French had so far been quite futile. I must have really forgotten so much as to be incomprehensible. Mr Wilson the erudite owner of the travelling freak show where I spent my formative years would have been so disappointed with my decline in linguistic skills he would have loudly tutted, then he would have lashed me to within an inch of my life and thrown me into a pit.
I tried to ask her for something calming for my poor gut, but she didn’t understand. So sign language would have to do. I mimed drinking a cup and grimacing and rubbing my stomach. She looked at me sadly through rheumy eyes and said nothing, I then stood up and mimed (convincingly) a man in desperate need of a shit. Something seemed to click and the ancient barrista uttered a few garbled words of English. “You wan spesho bowl coffee?”. Bowl coffee, Bowel coffee, hmm sounded just what I needed.
The kindly old lady moved away towards the back of the shop and then for some reason beckoned me over to the shabby curtain that barred entry to the back room. I assumed this was the room where the Bowel Coffee was served.
I followed her inside and saw a bed covered in a plastic sheet in the middle of the room. Most odd. Then the oddness increased by a factor. The wizened crone said something remarkable: “Drop your tlousa, prease” Incredible, what was this – a come on – how marvelous.
Now you may wonder about Mrs H, and where my heart lay. Well I refer to Mrs H as my wife but she is not really my wife, in fact she hardly knows me. You would more accurately describe her as being vaguely aware of me as an unspecified sense of dread that accompanies her when she walks home. We have never actually met, but this is purely circumstantial for she will at some point come within grabbing distance of the laurel bush where I lie in wait for her every evening.
Anyway though I love Mrs H the offer of a night of torrid (though rather dry) passion with the old coffee lady seemed a wonderful prospect. I dropped my pants and unwrapped the old newspapers that I use as underwear. The lady then made me lie face down on the plastic wrapped bed. What delights lay ahead. I close my eyes and waited for the hand of pleasure to be applied to by crumpled body.
Aargh, my poor piles. She had shoved some kind of pipe right up my arsehole. She liked it rough clearly. I opened my eyes to see what was happening back there just in time to see her pour the entire contents of the coffee urn into a funnel which was attached to the tube which had been mainlined straight into my rectum. Now I’ve heard of this type of things before, but I believe it is more normal to use cold coffee in this process. As I passed out from the pain I caught a glimpse of my new love as she went back in the front room no doubt to fetch a freshly boiled refill.
Thursday, 5 February 2009
Paris Hilton - Fast Food Fame
It's pretty much beyond reviewing to any purpose as a television show; Paris makes folks do things for her and then judges them whilst they shake and cry because of course her opinion defines their universe.
Dr. Nostrum can't help remembering the callous spoiled joy with which Nicole and her ruined a day's business for a random blue collar family one episode of The Simple Life. Yes, I'm sure they compensated them financially, yes, that was the show, no, it didn't matter.
There's no joy here, no point, purpose or permanence, and nothing positive that starts with any other letter of the alphabet either.
I know why it's on and I even think I know why it's popular. She is the living Celebrity Embodiment of Fast Food. The McDonalds of Reality TV. Everything you can think of about The Big Mac is true for Paris.
Paris Hilton. More famous than Paris France. What does that say about Google searches?
Be my BFF Paris! ;-) Everything you touch turns to gold.
(do you really think so?)
Wednesday, 4 February 2009
Jade Goody Media Martyr - Cashing In On Death
Though we are no closer to finding a meaning for Jade Goody's life, in one of the clearest predictions of 2009 (and yes, foul and cynical as I am, hopefully beyond) there will be a long examination for the meaning of her death and it's place as 'Entertainment' on our screens.
(cue bubbly airhead teen voice over) 'Read all about brave Jade's losing battle with Cancer and get 20 great Credit Crunch Cancer beating looks! Only in this week's edition of Uber-Voyeur, only £1.20 at all good Newsagents!'
I really don't think I will. In fact I know I can't. So I will become one of those hated commentators (surely - 'contentators') that pontificate on the morals of this most exquisite hell of an exploitation at a distance. You see, I'm not interested in the minutiae of Jade's serialised death throe, but then, I don't like Slasher films or Grand Theft Auto so I probably exist in a tiny vacuum. No, more than not interested; phobic.
There isn't a simultaneously less important yet more vicarious life and all it's for is so we can enjoy our pity and scorn at a scripted reality the Truman Show would've junked as unbelievable.
Look, there is a regular lighter and crueler side to Dr. Nostrum's Jade jibes and yes, saving her skin is a reasonable charitable enterprise so it can be pegged out and displayed as a lesson to all those who seek fame for fame's sake, but something has clearly gone wrong and not only in my brain.
There must be a point at which we recognise our Nero's fiddling as Rome burns. I humbly submit that serialising, trivialising and repackaging the slow death of a young, questionably smart, woman into a Television Reality Soap and glib Trashazine Hooks for the financial benefit of the Media well beyond the financial benefit to her family is one of those markers.
I don't have any morals up here in the cloud, because it's all make believe, but you down there...
Friday, 30 January 2009
I Don't Want To Work For Diddy
But, of course, having seen it for a few seconds, I have seen it all. Formula stuff, with a vaguely cheap and hugely self important tone from the 'playa's'. Obnoxious and unpleasant ego masquerading as successful and aspirational business acumen - maybe these have always been the same thing.
There was a fabulous highlight with Diddy explaining how far he could achieve anything he set his mind to, which I wish I could find to print verbatim but somehow I have it imprinted on my memory as a dream inspired rant culminating in Puff riding a giraffe bareback and naked in Zimbabwe, that, strangely, being the task he wanted to achieve.
Don't let the highlight fool you though, it's the usual misfits being humiliated into obescience.
I think it is time for the series 'I Don't Want To Work For Diddy' in which every member of the human race bar 20 publicity obsessed lunatics go about their normal life completely bemused by the fact that some people want to debase themselves daily at the whim of egomaniacal celebrities for money and a seat in a muddy trench at the foot of fame.
I see many such programmes ahead, including the Paul McKenna inspired 'I Can't Make You Thin' and 'I Can't Make Him Stop', 'The Price Is Wrong', hosted by Jordan, 'Who Doesn't Want To Be A Millionaire?' and so on. Perhaps we could just make one programme that lasts all day called 'Why?' although to keep it Yoof perhaps just 'Y?
In 'Y?' we, the public, use Torquemada's technique of having TV execs spin out the premise of a story interesting enough to prevent themselves being dropped into a pot of burning pitch.
I'd probably watch it for 10 minutes before turning over to 'My New BFF'
Monday, 26 January 2009
Trans Gender Agenda for Tyrant
We're put straight as to the purpose of the show from the get go. The entirely predictable system overload for the glaminator machine "to make better models" must mean Tyrant Tyra Banks is inside, cos no way can she pass up a chance to show us Tyrant is as good as it gets. (This is the point of the show - there, now I've told you the scales will have fallen from your eyes forever more) She seems to have some top lip issues today, with a smeared and shiny barracuda pout to the fore and oddly, they seem to have based the beginning of the show on The Tomorrow People, but i can't believe any of them have seen it. She also has some thunder-thigh issues too, I doubt they'd seem so on a normal woman, but on Tyrant they stand as two thumping revolutionary insurgents despoiling the landscape that is Doriana Gray, still a good looking woman, but one who has lost every shred of inner beauty.
Last Series was Plus Size, this series is Trans Gender. Now, have no doubt, the contestant may not have an agenda but The Show does. "What would being a part of this show do for the Gay and Lesbian community?" asks Tyrant, and the answer; it will increase the profile of Tyra Banks.
Saturday, 24 January 2009
All Talk 57 - 2009 Predictions - The Rise Of The Tramps
I fear what most people will do is just roam the streets looking for food, in which case it’ll have been an advantage being a bin man cos you’d know where to look.
HUTCHBACK
So bin men will become the...
DR. NOSTRUM
The hunter-gatherers.
HUTCHBACK
...guru’s for the new age.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, no.
HUTCHBACK
They’ll be the wise..
DR. NOSTRUM
They’ll be just underneath Ray Mears.
HUTCHBACK
Alright, but they’ll be consulted, they’ll be able to charge..
DR. NOSTRUM
Now That..! No, wait a minute! That is one of the predictions that is reasonably obvious, is that people who forage will become leaders of the new age.
HUTCHBACK
Yes, absolutely.
DR. NOSTRUM
So your new age, you’re actually envisaging the Apocalypse, the complete breakdown...
TOGETHER
...of society...
DR. NOSTRUM
...So how do you make money out of it?
HUTCHBACK
...that’s a little bit extreme.. What do you mean how do you make money out of it?
DR. NOSTRUM
(poking fun at HUTCHBACK’s new catchphrase) Is it a business?
HUTCHBACK
Is it a business? I don’t.. I don’t th.. alright, it might happen but I don’t think so. I think what’s nore likely is that there are lots of people who lose their jobs, that’s clearly going to happen.. Make yourself another tea.
DR. NOSTRUM
Right, but if you could teach hunter-gatherer techniques to all these people who lose their jobs..
HUTCHBACK
Urban hunter-gatherer techniques, that would be a big boon.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, you could do it as a government scheme. For all the people who are out of work you send them on schemes...
HUTCHBACK
And you know who becomes...
DR. NOSTRUM
...to learn how to become Ray Mears.
HUTCHBACK
...No, you know who become the real figureheads, the CEO’s; Tramps. Tramps.
DR. NOSTRUM
Who’ve been doing it..
HUTCHBACK
They’ve been doing it for years! They know more than bin men. They definitely know more than bin men. So, suddenly, society gets inverted and the people at the top are Tramps.
DR. NOSTRUM
So this is our..
HUTCHBACK
So this is our second prediction: Takeover of the Tramps.
DR. NOSTRUM
Ok, we got there quicker this time. So prediction number two is that the world order is turned on its head and that Tramps become the leaders of the New Society.
HUTCHBACK
Because they have all the skills needed to survive the recession. The oncoming onslaught.
DR. NOSTRUM
Ok.
HUTCHBACK
And it’ll actually become a desirable career path for children who are growing up, you know, “Son, you really need to work hard on your foraging and your begging techniques..
DR. NOSTRUM
No, there’s no-one to beg from, so maybe it isn’t tramps?
HUTCHBACK
No, but foraging, they’ve got foraging down pat, oh yeah, rummaging through bins. Except no-one will have any rubbish...
DR. NOSTRUM
No, wait a minute...
HUTCHBACK
...there won’t be any rubbish any more, that’s the problem...
DR. NOSTRUM
...Maybe...
HUTCHBACK
...that’s where this thing falls apart...
DR. NOSTRUM
...but maybe, you know...
HUTCHBACK
...is that people won’t have anything to buy so they won’t have anything to throw away.
DR. NOSTRUM
...as a sideline to the prediction industry is the TV thing, which, is not, you know, Ray Mears Bushcraft, but, you know, Ray Mears...
TOGETHER
...Bincraft.
HUTCHBACK
Ray Mears Bincraft!
DR. NOSTRUM
And it wouldn’t be Ray Mears it would be..
HUTCHBACK
It would be, you know, Uncle Barney, or whoever...
DR. NOSTRUM
It’s a weekly TV series.
HUTCHBACK
Johnny Hull’s Bincraft.
DR. NOSTRUM
(recognising the name of the well known North of England Tramp of some repute from the dim past) There you go, Johnny Hull’s Bincraft. So even if we don’t have the correct prediction for society, we’ve got a potential television series.
HUTCHBACK
Tramp CEO’s, which actually is in the script come to think of it, but we’ve actually worked out how it could happen.
DR. NOSTRUM
No. Yeah, well, no.
HUTCHBACK
We now have a logical framework for Tramp CEO’s to exist, because before, it was just blind luck.
DR. NOSTRUM
Ok.
HUTCHBACK
Whereas now it’s perfectly logical.
DR. NOSTRUM
In this..
HUTCHBACK
In this future prediction, for there to be Tramp CEO’s.
DR. NOSTRUM
Donald Tramp.
HUTCHBACK
But what do they get paid in?
DR. NOSTRUM
Cardboard boxes.
HUTCHBACK
Cardboard boxes and rotting food.
DR. NOSTRUM
No. There’s no-one to pay them.
HUTCHBACK
No, no. They will get paid.
DR. NOSTRUM
By who?
HUTCHBACK
They’ll have..
DR. NOSTRUM
What do tramps earn?
HUTCHBACK
...they’ll have donations. They’re so important that all the under-tramps will donate some of their foraging. There, because they’re teaching them all the skills.
DR. NOSTRUM
Ok, well, as you pointed out, it’s mainly a post opalyptic, er..
HUTCHBACK
It’s post apocalyptic.
DR. NOSTRUM
...apocalyptic society.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah. So, you know, they give their..
DR. NOSTRUM
So the first prediction is the Apocalyse! (disappointedly) But lots of people have been predicting that. So, it’s not the Apocalypse, though, it’s just the re-distribution of wealth. (pause) Hmm. I think that maybe a more reasonable prediction for 2009...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, because that one is slightly unreasonable.
DR. NOSTRUM
...is that that becomes part of the curriculum.
HUTCHBACK
Tramp studies.
DR. NOSTRUM
Bincraft, I suppose.
HUTCHBACK
Bincraft
DR. NOSTRUM
Yes, Bincraft becomes part of the curriculum, as well as maths and English and all that. That seems alright for 2009, and then as it progresses...
(pause – The DR. is distracted by the sports ticker on the TV)
Sasa Papac. Sasa Papac. That’s good. He’s got an ‘a’ every other letter.
HUTCHBACK
Sasa Papac. Yes, good. It would be good if Sasa was his middle name and Asa was his first name.
Friday, 23 January 2009
All Talk 56 - 2009 Predictions - Living Your Life In Your Spare Time
So, we’ve cracked one prediction. That must have been the most ludicrous prediction that anyone has made in this end of year predictions farrago.
DR. NOSTRUM
I don’t know, I haven’t been looking.
HUTCHBACK
No, but I’ve been looking at them and none of them are as insane as that. They’re all things like ‘People will stop going out and spending money.’
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, one thing about this is that there’s not enough time to write 10 predictions if this is how we’re going to do it, but I could summarise them.
HUTCHBACK
Well, we’re not going to come up with 10 today.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, that’s cos no-one’s paying us.
HUTCHBACK
No.
DR. NOSTRUM
If someone was paying me, believe me, I’d come up with 10.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, well, I’m now doing my job in my spare time for no money..
DR. NOSTRUM
No you’re not.
HUTCHBACK
I am!
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh well. I’m doing my life in my.. um, my life has become..
HUTCHBACK
“I’m doing my entire life in my spare time.” Now that.. Let’s work that out. Now that’s a prediction; people start living their entire lives in their spare time...
DR. NOSTRUM
As their hobby.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah. No, because there won’t be any jobs, so you now have to live your whole life in your spare time.
DR. NOSTRUM
What do you mean there won’t be any jobs?
HUTCHBACK
Well, no, cos everyone’s going to lose there jobs.
(Edit Point)
DR. NOSTRUM
So, I’m living my life in my spare time.
HUTCHBACK
Yes, living your life in your spare time. You are a pioneer. You’re a pioneer.
DR. NOSTRUM
There must have been others before me?
HUTCHBACK
Well, they were called the terminally unemployed...
DR. NOSTRUM
Or, the mentally ill.
HUTCHBACK
...the mentally ill, or the clinically insane. However, you are actually doing it intentionally, as a career.
DR. NOSTRUM
As a career.
HUTCHBACK
You are doing everything in your spare time.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. I’m not making a success of my career. It’s true, if your career becomes successful you no longer have time...
HUTCHBACK
Yes, that’s it.
DR. NOSTRUM
...to live your life.
HUTCHBACK
That’s exactly it.
DR. NOSTRUM
But that’s a truism, not a prediction.
HUTCHBACK
No, but what will happen is that people will start doing all their work in their spare time.
DR. NOSTRUM
And what will they do in their work time.
HUTCHBACK
They won’t have any work time.
DR. NOSTRUM
So it’ll swap?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
It’ll swap, so your work time..
HUTCHBACK
So everyone will be doing work, but not as their job, but just to keep themselves busy. So if you’re a bin man, you’ll carry on being a bin man, but you just won’t get paid for it. You’ll go around just taking people’s rubbish away...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah
HUTCHBACK
...and emptying it onto the street just cos it makes you feel better.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, you gotta keep yourself busy.
HUTCHBACK
You’ve got to keep yourself busy.
DR. NOSTRUM
I fear what most people will do is just roam the streets looking for food, in which case it’ll have been an advantage being a bin man cos you’d know where to look.
HUTCHBACK
So bin men will become the...
DR. NOSTRUM
The hunter gatherers.
HUTCHBACK
...guru’s for the new age.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, no.
HUTCHBACK
They’ll be the wise..
DR. NOSTRUM
They’ll be just underneath Ray Mears.
HUTCHBACK
Alright, but they’ll be consulted, they’ll be able to charge..
DR. NOSTRUM
Now That..! No, wait a minute! That is one of the predictions that is reasonably obvious, is that people who forage will become leaders of the new age.
HUTCHBACK
Yes, absolutely.
All Talk 55 - 2009 Predictions - Practical Joke To Appear on The Law Statute Book (Part 2)
Ah, no, but then it gets a bit more complicated, because some practical jokes would not lead to a conviction.
(pause the DR. is bemused)
Ok. Say for instance, Practical Joke; I left a sword on the staircase and someone fell over and died on it. No court in the land would send you to jail for that.
DR. NOSTRUM
What, as opposed to pushing someone off a cliff?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, because pushing someone off a cliff is much more.. No, because if you left.. you know, and then sometime later someone came down the stairs, tripped over and fell on the sword and it killed them.
DR. NOSTRUM
Maybe Negligence?
HUTCHBACK
Negligence. You wouldn’t go to prison for that.
DR. NOSTRUM
(not getting it) So that would be ‘Negligent Practical Joke’?
HUTCHBACK
Ok, that’s a nonsense.. that’s a silly example. Say you leave a knife..
DR. NOSTRUM
(sarcasm) Yeah, that’s a silly one, forget that one.
HUTCHBACK
No, okay, you leave your washing machine open with a big knife pointing up out of the tray (pause) as a practical joke, hoping someone might trip over and fall on it. For a joke.
DR. NOSTRUM
The dishwasher?
HUTCHBACK
The washing machine, er, the dishwasher.
DR. NOSTRUM
What, hoping that someone might fall over?
HUTCHBACK
Trip over, fall on it. (the DR. is shaking his head) Why not, that’s happened
DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, that’s not a practical joke.
HUTCHBACK
Why is that not a practical joke?
DR. NOSTRUM
Because the likelihood of someone tripping over as they reach the dishwasher is nothing you can rely on. The practical joke is something where you know someone’s going to do something, so you’d have to...
HUTCHBACK
Ok, so you to set up..
DR. NOSTRUM
...you’d have to, No. You’d have to lift the.. you’d loosen the floorboards.
HUTCHBACK
Well, there you go.
DR. NOSTRUM
You loosen the floorb..
HUTCHBACK
No, no, you just squirt some washing up liquid on the floor.
DR. NOSTRUM
Ok, washing up liquid on the floor and knives sticking up out of..
HUTCHBACK
There’s no court in the land would convict you of that. I’d stake my legal reputation on it.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, I think that’s too much, I think they would convict you.
HUTCHBACK
No, why would they convict you?
DR. NOSTRUM
Because the intention is to harm.
HUTCHBACK
They could never prove that you..
DR. NOSTRUM
No, the intent is to harm.
HUTCHBACK
They could never prove you intended it.
DR. NOSTRUM
To do what?
HUTCHBACK
You would say, “I never planned that as a practical joke, it was just an unfortunate accident.”
DR. NOSTRUM
What are you talking about?
HUTCHBACK
That would be your defense.
DR. NOSTRUM
But how can that be your defense?!
HUTCHBACK
That would be your defense!
DR. NOSTRUM
But it’s a circular argument. “I did this thing, but I never intended to do it.” What’s that?
HUTCHBACK
No, because the prosecution investigation, that would be their case; that it was a planned practical joke and your defense would be that it was just an accident. (pause) I can see you’re struggling with that.
DR. NOSTRUM
I am struggling with that.
HUTCHBACK
Why? Why are you struggling with it?
DR. NOSTRUM
So you’re saying the charge. The charge is Practical Joke...
HUTCHBACK
Yes, the charge...
DR. NOSTRUM
...not the defense?
HUTCHBACK
...yes, of course!! What?
DR. NOSTRUM
That’s what I was struggling with...
HUTCHBACK
You go in..
DR. NOSTRUM
...you do something that’s a practical joke and you say that “I didn’t do it.”
HUTCHBACK
Well yeah, but no, because.. Well, people could accuse you. You could be accused of Murder by Practical Joke. You wouldn’t go in and say..
DR. NOSTRUM
But you would be wholly innocent! Cause if they accused you of doing it by Practical Joke, isn’t it too obscure? What’s the point of charging you with ‘Practical Joke’, why can’t they just charge you with murder?
HUTCHBACK
Because they’d never get murder. They’d never get a murder conviction for that, but they might get death by practical joke, if ty can prove that you put the.. It’s easier to convict someone of ‘Death By Practical Joke’.
DR. NOSTRUM
Sound like a lot of the Inspector Morse, um, mysteries, you know. Where there’s a very convoluted way of killing someone. In fact, there was that Columbo one where he was murdered by the dogs. The defense could have been a practical joke that went wrong.
HUTCHBACK
It was a practical joke to set the dogs on him?
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, you didn’t know the dogs would kill him, but you thought it was funny.
HUTCHBACK
You thought it was funny.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, there we go, so it’s not manslaughter cause, no, but it would be man.. no.. why..
HUTCHBACK
No, you can be accu.. you can go to prison for dog attacks. You can definitely go to prison for dog attacks.
DR. NOSTRUM
Mm. To me now I can only see it as a defense rather than an accusation. I don’t think it’s worth making the accusation, but I can see it as a defense.
HUTCHBACK
Alright, so the accusation would be murder and then your defense is practical joke.
DR. NOSTRUM
And it’s a.. no, it’s a plea, it’s a plea. The plea is, it was a Practical Joke that went wrong, which is not as serious as manslaughter.
HUTCHBACK
Yes. So then they’d have to come up with a...
DR. NOSTRUM
Sentence tariff.
HUTCHBACK
...crime and a sentence called Practical Joke. Yep, I think that’s perfectly reasonable.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yep. Ok, so that’s one.
HUTCHBACK
That’s one, we’ve cracked one prediction.
Sunday, 18 January 2009
Farewell Tony Hart
Anyhow, the familiar strains of 'Marguerite' began and after several dull but worthy pictures passed us by, there was young Dr. Nostrum (aged 6) Art Work, peering at us through the magic of the television screen for at least 6 or 7 seconds. I would have worn the tape out watching it over and over again had the machine not broken within a month. In my memory the drawing was a beach scene, depicting some stick like figures floating precariously above their sun loungers in the late afternoon sun, but according to my mother it was a precocious work of great merit that would have stood the test of time had it not been chucked in the bin immediately after the show was filmed.
I had some history, you see, having had a piece exhibited at the Royal Academy aged 4, but I can't credit that with any furthering of my ambition as I don't remember it and my parents didn't keep the picture or any record of it ever actually happening. Readers of the blog may notice uncorroborated stories from my childhood here and there - the most odd being the place of my birth changing over the years, my mother never being easy to pin down, the only constant being the day.
I digress. Tony Hart, then, had given me my first taste of fame and my journey had begun. I remember him fondly (perhaps not as fondly as he looked like he might remember the many small boys he helped reach for the star) especially his white line paintings on huge brownfield sites, they linger like the Chalk Hill Drawings except in the sense that I can't remember a single one of them, just that he did them. In truth I preferred Wilf Lunn.
But Tony brought us Morph, in much the same way Tracey Ullman gave us The Simpsons, and made it through Mr. Bennett's complaints, then went on to Hart Beat which strangely became a cop show in later years.
So, goodbye Tony. I hope God has a white line painting machine for you to join up all the constellations for us in the heavens. I shall keep my eyes peeled.
All Talk 55 - 2009 Predictions - Death By Practical Joke Part of The Law Commission Review
HUTCHBACK
Maybe there isn’t that much of a distance between a really bad practical joke and murder. There isn’t you know, a really bad practical joke often could end in death. So, at what point do you stop being a practical joker and become a murderer?
DR. NOSTRUM
What, like the second world war?
HUTCHBACK
No, but, you know, like accidentally pushing someone off the edge of a cliff, sort of thing, as a practical joke. I mean, that’s an extreme version of pushing someone off something.
DR. NOSTRUM
So is it called a practical joke because you’ve done something?
HUTCHBACK
Yes.
DR. NOSTRUM
You’ve actually practically done something?
HUTCHBACK
No, no, no, no, no.
DR. NOSTRUM
You’ve pushed someone over.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah. It’s physical humour.
DR. NOSTRUM
Physical humour, so as opposed to a, um...
HUTCHBACK
As opposed to a verbal joke, that’s why it’s called a practical joke.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, I wasn’t thinking verbal joke, no, cos then the difference would be a physical joke and a verbal joke. No, I was thinking, as opposed to a, um, metaphorical joke.
HUTCHBACK
(more mocking) A metaphorical physical joke, where you do an action that is a metaphor for something funny. No, I don’t think so.
DR. NOSTRUM
I don’t think there is a metaphorical joke is there? Oh, no! A literal joke, that’s what I meant, the difference between literal and metaphorical as opposed to between practical.. so there’s a practical..
HUTCHBACK
There’s a practical and an impractical joke.
DR. NOSTRUM
Impractical joke, that’s it.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, an impractical joke, one that’s just slightly too burdensome to undertake.
DR. NOSTRUM
Hmm. Why are they called practical jokes?
HUTCHBACK
Cause they’re physical!
DR. NOSTRUM
So why aren’t they called physical jokes?
HUTCHBACK
I don’t know! I’m not a linguist.
DR. NOSTRUM
Practical Jokes. They always seemed a bit of a leap. I never, I mean, as far as I know, I never played one.
HUTCHBACK
You’ve never played a practical joke?
DR. NOSTRUM
No, I don’t think so.
HUTCHBACK
You’ve never put a bucket of water.. a bucket full of nails...
DR. NOSTRUM
...over...
HUTCHBACK
See, that’s it: bucket full of water; practical joke, bucket full of razor blades; murder.
DR. NOSTRUM
Hmm.
HUTCHBACK
So, it would be quite good to find out at what point it becomes murder, in the eyes of the law. See.
DR. NOSTRUM
Ah, as opposed to manslaughter?
HUTCHBACK
Yes.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, but they’re doing that now, they’re putting a category between murder and manslaughter – practical...
HUTCHBACK
Practical joke. Practical Joke Murder.
DR. NOSTRUM
...because murder was too far away from manslaughter.
HUTCHBACK
Right. But that’s not bad, working out the exact point at which a practical joke..
DR. NOSTRUM
No, but they’re doing that, they’re doing that.
HUTCHBACK
What do you mean they’re doing that?!
DR. NOSTRUM
It’s part of the Law Commission Review at the moment..
HUTCHBACK
For Practical Jokes?
DR. NOSTRUM
No! Not practical jokes, but the idea that there’s a big gap between murder and manslaughter.
HUTCHBACK
Oh, yeah, that, but it’s nothing to do with practical jokes.
DR. NOSTRUM
But that must come into it.
HUTCHBACK
That probably does come into it.
DR. NOSTRUM
If your defense is that it was a practical joke that went wrong..
HUTCHBACK
No, no, no, cause manslaughter, you can be done for manslaughter for stabbing someone, that’s clearly not a joke.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, but you didn’t mean to kill them. Manslaughter is anything where you didn’t mean to kill them, right?
HUTCHBACK
Yes...
DR. NOSTRUM
I don’t know, we need our advisor.
HUTCHBACK
...but what I’m saying is that if you can be done for manslaughter for
stabbing someone there is no practical joke you can ever think of that would end up with a murder conviction because the intention of stabbing someone is much greater than the intention of leaving a sword poking up out of a staircase...
DR. NOSTRUM
I don’t think...
HUTCHBACK
There’s no way anybody would get done for murder for that.
DR. NOSTRUM
...not that our legal advisor...
HUTCHBACK
They wouldn’t get done for anything.
DR. NOSTRUM
...not that our legal advisor is here, but I have a feeling that stabbing someone and not meaning to kill them isn’t manslaughter..
HUTCHBACK
It is manslaughter.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, it’s attempted murder.
HUTCHBACK
No, it’s manslaughter. Because if they die, the often get done for manslaughter.
DR. NOSTRUM
Really?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh.
HUTCHBACK
Like that guy..
DR. NOSTRUM
So there’s no point in trying to figure out where practical jokes become murder cause they never will.
HUTCHBACK
That’s true. (thinks) No, no, pushing someone off a cliff is murder.
DR. NOSTRUM
But what’s the difference between that and stabbing them?
HUTCHBACK
No, because...
DR. NOSTRUM
(gets it) Oh! Because you know it’s going to kill them
HUTCHBACK
...because you know that if you push someone off a cliff it’ll kill
them.
DR. NOSTRUM
But only at some deep level, so, maybe there is a point, there is somewhere between the cliff and the bucket of nails?
HUTCHBACK
It’s how high.
DR. NOSTRUM
How high the cliff is.
HUTCHBACK
You can actually measure it on how high the cliff is; at what point you know the drop will be enough to probably kill them. See, that’s it. That’s exactly how you work out the difference between a practical joke and..
DR. NOSTRUM
That would be some court case.
HUTCHBACK
It’s the height of a cliff.
DR. NOSTRUM
Ok.
HUTCHBACK
It’ll be the height of the cliff. I’m pleased with that.
DR. NOSTRUM
That’s one. What else is there?
HUTCHBACK
One what?
DR. NOSTRUM
That’s one..
HUTCHBACK
..Prediction for 2009!
DR. NOSTRUM
Practical Jokes will appear as a new category of Homicide under the Law commission review.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah
DR. NOSTRUM
There you go.
HUTCHBACK
And murders will be rated in cliff height.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, it’s not that. It’s the height of the cliff defense.
HUTCHBACK
Ok, so also, the other one will be the, er, the weight of the big black weight thing that you balance on the door. Up to 5 kilos and over 5 kilos it’s murder.
DR. NOSTRUM
So then it becomes ‘The Practical Joke Defense’?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
“My client didn’t know...
HUTCHBACK
...that the weight would kill him.” Yeah. It was just done as a joke...
DR. NOSTRUM
“...he’d seen on television a one ton weight falling..
HUTCHBACK
That’s it, “He’d been watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon earlier in the week...”
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, “...where Tom survived several..
HUTCHBACK
“...and seen Tom survived several one ton weights being dropped on him.”
DR. NOSTRUM
“And didn’t realise the one ton weight was hollow.”
HUTCHBACK
Huh?
DR. NOSTRUM
Didn’t realise the one ton weight was hollow.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, “didn’t realise it was a drawing.”
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, yeah, but even the real life ones.
HUTCHBACK
They did a real life Tom and Jerry?
DR. NOSTRUM
No! You know those sketch shows where they drop a huge one ton.. you know, the old Monty Python’s.
HUTCHBACK
Oh, Yeah. “He was watching Monty Python and didn’t realise the giant foot...
DR. NOSTRUM
No, not the cartoon, the real one!
HUTCHBACK
Yeah alright. No, they must’ve had one where they had a real giant foot falling on them, didn’t they?
DR. NOSTRUM
No, I don’t think so, feet were too difficult.
HUTCHBACK
The feet were too difficult back then, back in those days.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. Well, there’s one prediction.
HUTCHBACK
One prediction for 2009.
All Talk 53 - A Gap In The Murder Business
So, your idea for a Dragon’s Den business is good, you know, murdering.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah
DR. NOSTRUM
I like it, he comes in with someone and he murders them, you know, he kills them, the panel say “Well, it’s very efficient, it’s quite good.” And he says “Well, I can do a lot of it.”
HUTCHBACK
Yeah “But what kind of annual turnover do you think you can get out of that?” “Well, I reckon I could charge 10 grand...”
DR. NOSTRUM
Mm
HUTCHBACK
“...10 grand’s a reasonable amount for a murder, depending on the, you know, er, the difficulty, maybe up to 30. I reckon I could do one a night, maybe two a night.”
DR. NOSTRUM
I like your two-fer, you know, 9 and you get the 10th one free.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, and then, “Yeah, we have a loyalty scheme. If someone has had me murder 9 people, you get the 10th one free.”
DR. NOSTRUM
Or if you do a family?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, “If you do a big family, we’ll...
DR. NOSTRUM
..throw in the Grandma
HUTCHBACK
...throw in the children.” Yeah, “throw in the Grandma.”
DR. NOSTRUM
We’ve got, er...
HUTCHBACK
“Maybe witnesses?”
DR. NOSTRUM
There’s that thing, you know, having watched the programme, one of the things the really don’t like is when they ask them weel, what is the money for? You know, they ask them to break down the money and he says “Well, you know I’d want 30 grand out of that for me..” and they hate that and they’re “So you want me to pay you, just to pay you to live? I’m not putting any money into the business...”
HUTCHBACK
What about the marketing?
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah all that, “I hate that selfishness in people, you want to take my money, my children’s money...” That fucking Theo Paphites, yeah, I’m sure he’s giving his children money every saying “This is your money that I’m not giving to people on Dragon’s Den.”
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, they’re saying “So you’re not putting any money into your equipment, you know, you’re starting off with a knife. How much volume can you get with that? Surely you want to be expanding your operation, going into machine guns...”
DR. NOSTRUM
Taking on apprentices.
HUTCHBACK
...yeah, “taking on staff...”
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, for the British market, those business ideas are good...
HUTCHBACK
“How are you going to franchise it? You need to franchise it out” We want to be able to get the hat, the bag...
DR. NOSTRUM
You know, the person that’s pitching, you’d pixilated their face. You’d do it properly. Re-animating dead people’s not a bad one.
HUTCHBACK
Hmm.
DR. NOSTRUM
It’s not a business idea though. Murdering’s a good business idea.
HUTCHBACK
It’s good.
DR. NOSTRUM
Assassins. It’s a business.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah. “But rather than just being a hired murderer, we’re intending to give a full service. 24 hour hotline...” you know all that.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah.
HUTCHBACK
“Money back guarantee, service with a smile.”
DR. NOSTRUM
Mm.
HUTCHBACK
I reckon that would be quite a good business.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, I think it is a good business. Probably, it is a good business.
HUTCHBACK
Sure.
DR. NOSTRUM
What other businesses are there like that? Whore house I s’pose?
HUTCHBACK
Prostitution, yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
Porn films?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well bringing someone on and murdering them’s a good pitch. “I enjoyed your presentation.”
HUTCHBACK
“It was a very arresting presentation.”
DR. NOSTRUM
“We like you as a person.”
HUTCHBACK
Yeah. “I’d hire you, but I don’t think your projections are in any way realistic. How you think you can value your business at 2 million pounds is beyond me. Go away, do your sums, kill a few more people, get a bit better at it...”
DR. NOSTRUM
Some publicity.
HUTCHBACK
“...get your advertising right, then come back.” “You’re telling me people aren’t just going to go out and murder their own victims, see, that’s where it all falls apart.”
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, “Why should they come to you?”
HUTCHBACK
“Why should they come to you? Surely any murderous thug would go out and kill their own victim?”
DR. NOSTRUM
Mm. It is cheaper. But there are pitfalls. So, you know, that’s probably one of the advantages of the business, if you can point out how you keep the identity of the client completely anonymous...
HUTCHBACK
Mm
DR. NOSTRUM
“Oh, no, it works, because we don’t know the identity of the client.” That probably would be a good idea, in terms of murdering, if you don’t know who’s asking you to kill someone. Why don’t they do that in films? That’s where it always falls down, that the murderer knows who it is who’s hired them.
HUTCHBACK
No, that isn’t where it falls down. It falls down because usually the person being murdered has some connection with the person doing the murdering.
DR. NOSTRUM
But, what if you set up a business for just random murders?
HUTCHBACK
Random murders?! Just go out and murder someone just for fun? Just for fun? Yeah, that would work, but, a bit pointless really. It’s like, basically, “Are you a homicidal maniac? Yes? To scared to do your own murder, then come to us. We’ll do it for you. We’ll kill a random person...
DR. NOSTRUM
That’s right.
HUTCHBACK
...and it will never get back to you. We’ll just send you the video”.
DR. NOSTRUM
That’s probably a business.
HUTCHBACK
And that’s your business.
DR. NOSTRUM
See, that’s an advance on Assassination and it’s quite current.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
You present it as a vicarious pleasure business.
HUTCHBACK
Mm. Mm.
DR. NOSTRUM
I’m not sure about posting the video to someone. I think you’d probably want to leave it. No, but they’d want to know you did it.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
Otherwise you could just sit there with the money.
HUTCHBACK
No, you could just put it up on YouTube.
DR. NOSTRUM
YouTube? That’s alright.
HUTCHBACK
Perfect.
DR. NOSTRUM
And if you cut at the right moment, there’s nothing criminal about it.
HUTCHBACK
(witheringly) Except the person on the video then was found dead somewhere.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, but that’s alright. Well, no, I suppose it’s not alright.
HUTCHBACK
(mimicking) “That’s alright, we can get around that.” No, well, what you do then, is get some other random person to put the video up on YouTube, via another random person. So you’re just paying someone to pay someone to put a video up on YouTube. And they don’t know what the video’s of.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, but I remember Inspector Quantum saying that, apart from the most important thing in Homeland Security being the quality of the Airbed you’ve got, all that jealousy going on in Homeland Security about whether you’ve got a foot-pump or a compressor for you air bed..
HUTCHBACK
Well, it’s very important.
DR. NOSTRUM
It is very important, when you’re trying to keep peace in the world. It’s either terrifying or very reassuring to think that the people trying to kill us are the same as Inspector Quantum, I’m not sure which. Anyway, no, random murdering, he was saying that that is where it falls down, that mostly they know, people know the people they kill...
HUTCHBACK
Mm.
DR. NOSTRUM
...and it’s easier to catch them because of that. But if you don’t know who you’re hiring and you don’t know who they’re killing, that is not bad. That’s not a bad premise for a business.
HUTCHBACK
I think we’ve got a business there.
All Talk 51 - Josef Frtizl's Dungeon Incest Community Legacy
I was thinking, in good taste actually, that bloke in Austria who, er, imprisoned his daughter and had kids by her, er, that there must be a lot of people out there with their children imprisoned who they’ve had kids with, they’re sitting in fear. Cause you know, with the Austrians saying, “This can never happen again!” they’re thinking, you know, “Blimey, they’re starting to catch us.”
HUTCHBACK
Yup.
DR. NOSTRUM
Can you imagine the internal panic of the people out there who are doing this, knowing one of their brethren got caught. Who else would it actually bother? I don’t think it’ll bother anyone else that he got caught.
HUTCHBACK
Yes. But, unfortunately the police weren’t really on the case.
DR. NOSTRUM
I don’t see how they could have been on the case though.
HUTCHBACK
No, unfortunately they weren’t on the case. The fact that they, um, neglected to, um..
DR. NOSTRUM
(he’s forgotten to honour HUTCHBACK’s rule to remove all shoes in the cellar) Do you have to take your shoes off if you sit still?
HUTCHBACK
Yes. They.. the fact that they neglected to do any kind of surveillance on the ‘Dungeon Children Support Group’ that he ran...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah.
HUTCHBACK
...you know, like a social club...
DR. NOSTRUM
Social experiment.
HUTCHBACK
...Social club for people who like imprisoning their children...
DR. NOSTRUM
See, I imagine there is a network.
HUTCHBACK
...and then meet up every, er, couple of months...
DR. NOSTRUM
And have a wife swap parties.
HUTCHBACK
...and swap children; children swapping parties. You know, here’s the keys to my dungeon, you give me the keys to.. Yeah, just basically you have a bowl and, um, you pick the keys out of the bowl and that’s the cellar you go to that night. They probably have them.
(long pause)
DR. NOSTRUM
Odd thing to do...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
...in some ways, you know, really. I was thinking that maybe what it was, was that the guy just couldn’t, er, kill them, so he had to keep them alive...
DR. NOSTRUM
He couldn’t bring himself to kill them...
DR. NOSTRUM
No. that’s what I was thinking.
HUTCHBACK
...cause he was..
DR. NOSTRUM
Too kind.
HUTCHBACK
He was too kind. Too nice. He was just that little bit too nice.
DR. NOSTRUM
He couldn’t go the whole hog. Cause M said to me that she couldn’t think of anything worse, but, of course it could have been a lot worse, (pause for thought) you know, it can always be worse. That’s the lesson, it can always be worse.
HUTCHBACK
Everything. Anything. No matter how bad something is, there’s always something worse.
DR. NOSTRUM
That’s right.
HUTCHBACK
What’s the worst..
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, you get a lot of time for contemplation, er, in those circumstances, I suppose, the girl.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah. You know, you’re living with, basically, er, a group of incest born half-wits..
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, we don’t know that, they might be very smart.
HUTCHBACK
No, but probably...
DR. NOSTRUM
Troglodytes.
HUTCHBACK
Troglodytes, who can’t speak, who are your children, you know. (the DOCTOR chuckles) You know, it’s kind of (pause) Anthropology. It’s like living Anthropology.
DR. NOSTRUM
Actually, the picture of the guy, he does look evil. He had killers eyes...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah
DR. NOSTRUM
...like the Pope, er, except he wasn’t a killer so there’s a lie there, somewhere.
HUTCHBACK
He had Dungeon Master’s Eyes.
DR. NOSTRUM
Dungeon Master’s Eyes. He had a good head of hair though
HUTCHBACK
He had a fine moustache...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah
HUTCHBACK
...and a good head of hair. In fact, his daughter might have fancied him in different circumstances, you never know.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, if he was a younger man, (pause) well, he was once.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, when she was a younger girl.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, but tastes change.
HUTCHBACK
Well, when you get to a certain age a good head of hair...
DR. NOSTRUM
Important. No, but I thought...
HUTCHBACK
...it’s quite a plus point.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, but the thing is, he just ran out of steam, the guy. If he’d have just persisted for another 10 years, he’d have been dead and no-one would have known.
HUTCHBACK
They'd have all...
DR. NOSTRUM
Rotted...
HUTCHBACK
...starved to death.
DR. NOSTRUM
...starved to death and no-one would have known, ever, until they dug it up, like that school in Jersey. Oh, no, lots of people knew about that.
HUTCHBACK
They all just kept it quiet. Yeah, well, ok, there you go.
DR. NOSTRUM
So, there we go.
HUTCHBACK
Life’s a big shit sandwich, sprinkled with urine.
DR. NOSTRUM
Not pleasant really; comedy out of misery, but...
HUTCHBACK
No, but all comedy comes from misery.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, and do you think the more miserable it is, the funnier it is?
HUTCHBACK
No. In our case, no.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, whose case would it be yes?
HUTCHBACK
Well, let’s say...
DR. NOSTRUM
If you were a Nazi party comedian making great humor out of when you pulled out the teeth of your former friends...
All Talk 54 - God, The Single Parent Family
DR. NOSTRUM
It’s very unfortunate, you know, twice I’ve been down here to do this and they're probably the only two times in recent history that M’s been annoyed at me. But, oh boy, just, how not to be a cunt?
HUTCHBACK
Lessons in not being a cunt. You can follow this every week as DR. NOSTRUM tries to be less of a cunt.
DR. NOSTRUM
I’ll achieve it.
HUTCHBACK
Follow his progress...
DR. NOSTRUM
Towards sainthood. Cos that really is the apotheosis of not being a cunt.
HUTCHBACK
Yes.
DR. NOSTRUM
It’s sainthood.
HUTCHBACK
Although, according to the bible, that probably isn’t the biblical definition.
DR. NOSTRUM
What? How Jesus was described?
HUTCHBACK
He was the least cunt-like out there.
DR. NOSTRUM
That’s right.
HUTCHBACK
That’s why he was the son of god.
DR. NOSTRUM
Sure. Cos the Son of God...
HUTCHBACK
Shouldn’t be a cunt.
DR. NOSTRUM
No.
HUTCHBACK
Or, rarely. Very rarely should he be a cunt.
DR. NOSTRUM
Did he have just one son?
HUTCHBACK
Did he have j..! No, cos there was that Holy Ghost bloke, wasn’t there? Wasn’t he like a half son?
DR. NOSTRUM
I think ‘only children’ are not great. I think you should always have more than one child, if you’ve got the choice. God, if God had had the choice he’d have probably had more than one son.
HUTCHBACK
If only God existed, then everything would be alright.
DR. NOSTRUM
So, God was a single parent family.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
So actually, that should be enshrined in the bible. Don’t you think that it should be enshrined in the Bible above marriage, if we are to live in the image of God that He was a single parent family?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah
DR. NOSTRUM
And in fact it was the Father that got custody
HUTCHBACK
(reading off the ceefax window on the TV – june 2008 remember - there’s a game show going on) Bank states that credit fears are overstated. (he turns the TV back to the show with the sound off - a game show is on)
DR. NOSTRUM
What is this, ‘Children against an Indian’?
HUTCHBACK
I have no idea
DR. NOSTRUM
Ah, no, no, it's “Are you smarter than an immigrant?’ could be a BNP programme.
HUTCHBACK
And on that note
DR. NOSTRUM
Good night.
Mutya Marginalises Midgets
All Talk 52 - American Inventor's Next Winner and Hutchback solves America's gas dependency
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, this is what I was thinking, the guy walks in to American Inventor – “Who Are You?” and, er, what did I call him, er, Burt Flahruum, it doesn’t matter, some schmuck...
HUTCHBACK
A schlemiel I think, he should be.
DR. NOSTRUM
And he’s carrying a bag of dog shit in one hand and, right...
HUTCHBACK
A bag of dog shit.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, but this is the sketch, he’s carrying a bag of dog shit in one hand, he’s carrying sort of longish tube, with a few wires on it and lights and things like that in the other hand...
HUTCHBACK
Mm
DR. NOSTRUM
...now, this is what I thought it would be. “Who are you and what’s your invention?” and the guy’s like, “Oh, well, it’s easier if I show you.” and he sort of clumsily balances the tube on one knee..
HUTCHBACK
No, I think you’ve got it wrong.
DR. NOSTRUM
What, what bit?
HUTCHBACK
No, no, re-start that. No, he just comes in with the machine...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah
HUTCHBACK
...ok, he comes in with the machine..
DR. NOSTRUM
No, but the way the show works..
HUTCHBACK
No. Wait, wait! This is better, (pause) he comes in with the machine... (the DR knows where HUTCHBACK is going)
DR. NOSTRUM
He takes a shit. Yeah, I’m there, I got there ahead of you, but I thought, there was another way round that, but ok, if you could put that on as a sketch; he drops his trousers and he takes a shit, after he’s introduced.. But, I actually feel..
HUTCHBACK
In fact, it’s better if he doesn’t come in with the machine at first, he gets..
DR. NOSTRUM
Maybe he just puts it somewhere?
HUTCHBACK
No, no, he just comes in, and then..
DR. NOSTRUM
“Who are you?”
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, “Who are you?” “I’ve got this invention.”
DR. NOSTRUM
He drops his trousers..
HUTCHBACK
He drops his.. no, he puts a piece of paper on the floor...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah.
HUTCHBACK
Drops his trousers and does a shit on the paper. And they’re just sitting there dumbfounded...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah.
HUTCHBACK
And he’s “oh, sorry, sorry, forgot..” and he goes out and brings in this machine...
DR. NOSTRUM
Ok
HUTCHBACK
So, “Oh, I can understand that might look a bit strange.” And he gets up, gets the machine and brings it in and then he says, “Now, watch this.” and he pours the shit in.. he picks up the piece of paper..
DR. NOSTRUM
He makes a U out of the thing, carefully, balancing the machine on his leg...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah
DR. NOSTRUM
...carefully makes a U out of the piece of paper, pours the shit in, then you have a cut, flashing lights on the tube and then out drops a...
TOGETHER
...bar of gold...
DR. NOSTRUM
...right, so that was the thing...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
...that was the sketch. Now, now I sat.. No, no, no..
HUTCHBACK
And that’s comedy!
DR. NOSTRUM
No, that wasn’t the end...
HUTCHBACK
No.
DR. NOSTRUM
...that’s not the end of the sketch.
HUTCHBACK
No, that’s not the end.
DR. NOSTRUM
I’d sanitised it by saying, you know, he’s holding a dog shit, or, “My dog’s outside, it did this earlier.” So you can sanitise it for BBC or whatever.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah
DR. NOSTRUM
Or any actor that doesn’t want to take a shit on the floor, but, um, admittedly you may, you know...
HUTCHBACK
There aren’t that..
DR. NOSTRUM
...to audition that you’d have to go for...
HUTCHBACK
Well, you know, you just say...
DR. NOSTRUM
...coprophiliacs, er, porn..
HUTCHBACK
...eat a big lunch and don’t go to the toilet before the audition.
DR. NOSTRUM
I suppose you could just cut.. you could cut. But anyway, I just thought..
HUTCHBACK
You do it with special effects, you can do anything with special effects...
DR. NOSTRUM
Anyway, so...
HUTCHBACK
If you can animate Godzilla, they can make a shit come out of someone’s arse.
DR. NOSTRUM
Anyway, he slides the shit into the tube, flashing lights, and out drops a bar of gold and I thought the thing, I don’t know how you’d do this but thing.. you know the panel of four in American Inventor they’ve got, um, Stan Croce, Peter Jones, er, currently they’ve got, er...
HUTCHBACK
And Simon Cowell.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, he’s not, no, no, no...
HUTCHBACK
Oh alright, but you could have him.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, they’ve got a good guy anyway – George Foreman..
HUTCHBACK
George Fore..? George Formby?
DR. NOSTRUM
...Foreman and, oh, er, some woman, right?
HUTCHBACK
Some woman! Some plump bird, some twonk!
DR. NOSTRUM
Right?
HUTCHBACK
Some Bird!
HUTCHBACK
But, basically, Peter Jones, so he’s leaning in; “That’s very interesting. So,” um, er, “what do you plan to do with it?” No, cause this is, I thought the quiz is, I thought they quiz him about the prospects, you know, and what his financial projections are and things like this, and he’s.. and the guy who invented it is, “Well, I dunno.” You know, “I dunno, I just.. I don’t know what to do with it, I just thought it was a good idea.” And then, Tim Croce, er, what’s his name, Stan Croce says, um, I think it’s Tim Croce..
HUTCHBACK
(with American Inventor accent) “I can’t see the point of that.”
DR. NOSTRUM
No, you see.. well, that, but; “It’s ridiculous, cause if you turn shit into gold, you instantly de-value gold to the level of shit so no-one will be interested in it.” But George Foreman; “Well, I disagree. Americans love gold, it’s shiny,” and this sort of thing “and I think it’ll be a great success!” And then the guy says, “Well, I suppose I could tweak it to make diamonds.” And Croce says, “Well, it’s the same principle. Whatever you turn shit into is instantly only as valuable as shit so there’s no prospects for the machine” (pause) So they pass on it.
HUTCHBACK
Ah, but if you could turn shit into petrol, well, that’s fantastic.
DR. NOSTRUM
Ok, well, if you can do that. Maybe they can give him development money.
HUTCHBACK
That’s not bad, that’s actually a good invention I’ve just come up with there.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well I think someone’s doing that aren’t they? Don’t they do that anyway?
HUTCHBACK
No, I don’t think so.
DR. NOSTRUM
But anyway..
HUTCHBACK
I’ve just invented something! I’ve got to get on that American Inventor! I should get on that show, turning shit into petrol.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well that is.. like that guy.. cos really, really, all you need to do, you go there with a drawing. I mean I couldn’t believe that, it’s so patronizing to everybody – some guy, just cos he’s deaf, he can come in with a drawing of something that doesn’t exist and they say “That’s Fantastic!” “What a great idea that is!”..
HUTCHBACK
And what was it?
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, it was a thing that when people would talk an LED matrix would show what they were saying, but he didn’t invent anything, he just came up with the idea and he drew it and the only descriptive thing on the drawing was an arrow pointed to the machine saying “Comfortable handles for holding” that was the only information that was in any way technical on this board, you know, that was his invention. So you know, and he had tears in his eyes and they thought, “oh, this is a wonderful idea.” and you know..
HUTCHBACK
Did they give him the money?
DR. NOSTRUM
And that’s what made me think, you know, you could go on there with any idea...
HUTCHBACK
Shit into gold.
DR. NOSTRUM
...you just draw it on a piece of paper. Shit into gold. It’s good, it’s funnier than shit into petrol. Shit into petrol is useful, but shit into gold is funny.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
That’s the lesson of comedy.
HUTCHBACK
No, but I’m not saying this for the comedy, I’m gonna go and bloody..
DR. NOSTRUM
Work on it.
HUTCHBACK
Tell them. Yeah I’m gonna work on it..
DR. NOSTRUM
You’ve got to save all your shit.
HUTCHBACK
I’m gonna profit fr.. I’m gonna work on it.
DR. NOSTRUM
You’ll tell Mrs. Hutchback “Sweetheart, I want you to shit in this bucket.
HUTCHBACK
Shit in a cup and save it.
DR. NOSTRUM
Meanwhile.
HUTCHBACK
Can you imagine the development process for that? It’d be very, kind of, tiring and very unpleasant.
DR. NOSTRUM
The next inventor comes, a frumpy ginger haired woman comes in with a..
HUTCHBACK
How about a guy who turns gold into shit? That’d be just as incredible, but not as good.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, at least you could use it for something, horse manure. You could use it for growing plants or something. But, um, woman comes in, small box with a big red button on it, stands there, pushes the button – disappears. Rematerializes behind them and they’re like ‘Oh, this is your invention?” “Yes”. She’s invented teleportation, she’s got no prospects, no idea how to use it – pass on it. Someone comes in, he feeds rubbish into a chute, lightbulb comes on – free energy, but in fact he’s surpassed that, because if there’s no connection between the supply and the bulb, that’s the best you can do..
HUTCHBACK
Oh, well (grumbles discontentment at this premise)
DR. NOSTRUM
..so someone’s invented that, they do that – not interested. Then, you know, 50 year old teacher, he’s spent 20 years in a cupboard working on a lint roller that picks up cat hair from velvet, and that’s the one they go for.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah
All Talk 50 - Saggy Pants Seniors, The Male Miniskirt
DAY 3 – June 2008
DR. NOSTRUM is opening a snack packet, and the sound of the bag rustling accompanies the first few stanzas.
HUTCHBACK
That would be quite good, a good rule in your life; if you were so narcissistic that you would only speak when you knew there was a microphone.. when there was a tape running. (puts on pompous voice) “Because what I have to say must be recorded.” Alright, I’ll try one of these. I think I did once...
DR. NOSTRUM
I think they’re very nice...
HUTCHBACK
...I think I quite liked them.
DR. NOSTRUM
...and very healthy.
HUTCHBACK
Healthy! Bollocks they’re healthy.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, the reason I bought these is that it said ‘corn’ and not ‘potato’, so I thought “oh, that must be better than crisps.”
HUTCHBACK
Bollocks
DR. NOSTRUM
That’s why they put it! I reckon that’s why they put it; to get the health kick people.
HUTCHBACK
Nik-Naks are not targeted at, er, at yer health conscious.
DR. NOSTRUM
So why would they mention that they’re corn? Who cares?
HUTCHBACK
Right, so. Anyway.
DR. NOSTRUM
Fashion.
HUTCHBACK
Fashion.
DR. NOSTRUM
Fashion for the next Geriatrics. People who keep their fashion all their life are quite interesting.
HUTCHBACK
Mm. yeah, well (puts on ironic exposition cramming voice) I believe you were telling me just th.. only the other day.
DR. NOSTRUM
No. I wasn’t thinking about that. I was saying, do you know anybody that does that? Like, any friends of your parents who have a ‘style’
HUTCHBACK
No. They all just look like old people.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. My mum’s friends too. Although I met this guy in Nashville.. There
are quite a few people in the music industry who keep some kind of look.
HUTCHBACK
I guess the closest you can get is..
DR. NOSTRUM
I reckon Bono will still be wearing those glasses when he’s in the old people’s home.
HUTCHBACK
Mm. Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
Do you reckon he takes them off when he meets the Pope?
HUTCHBACK
Or maybe he has a special, religious.. A Holy Pair. No, but I do like.. I do like the, er..
DR. NOSTRUM
What, the trousers round the ankles look?
HUTCHBACK
Trousers round the ankles. Yeah. No, but. No, it’s an advance on trousers around.. sort of just hanging..
DR. NOSTRUM
Underneath the arse.
HUTCHBACK
Hanging below your bum. Saggy pants. It’s a bit like the mini skirt. In fact, it will become the male equivalent of the mini skirt. It’s that, it will get down to the knees first, just get down to the knees...
DR. NOSTRUM
I think they would have done it if it hadn’t been hard to walk.
HUTCHBACK
...then round the ankles, no, but maybe they’ll have, sort of, a customised pair of trousers.
DR. NOSTRUM
So they need some kind of knee cinches.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, you need something.
DR. NOSTRUM
What, like a knee belt?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah. Like a knee belt. No, like a pair of bicycle clips just under the knee.
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, okay, I see what you mean. You’d need them above the knee.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, just above the knee, so it holds there, and then you can walk around.
DR. NOSTRUM
But you couldn’t run away.
HUTCHBACK
Couldn’t run away, but you could certainly walk around.
DR. NOSTRUM
Not good for running away.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, and as we know, obviously, kids today need to do a lot of running away...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yep.
HUTCHBACK
...to avoid getting killed.
DR. NOSTRUM
Or caught.
HUTCHBACK
Or caught. Killed or caught.
All Talk 49 - Racism - I'm Trying, But I Just Don't Get It
HUTCHBACK
As the BNP says, it’s not racist to oppose mass immigration and political correctness, it’s common sense.
DR. NOSTRUM
Common sense. It is common sense. It’s comedic sense.
HUTCHBACK
It’s common sense, (pause) if you’re a racist, although it’s not racist in itself.
DR. NOSTRUM
That’s true. That is true. (pause) I don’t oppose immigration. I couldn’t give two monkeys about where you live or..
HUTCHBACK
Two monkeys? (witheringly) Yeah, appropriate; Those Monkey Boys.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, I was thinking that.. I do seriously think that (pause) where you live is just an accident of birth. (The DR. pauses, momentarily bemused by his own inane profundity) Really. Who you are is just an accident of birth, so it really is completely irrelevant. You know, it’s not your fault, is it? So, what difference does it make? I never understood any of that problem.. I often thought that. I don’t think it gets very far with people who actually care about things, but, really, the country you live in, is irrelevant. And who you are is also irrelevant. It just completely doesn’t make any difference does it?
HUTCHBACK
Well, it does, cause if you.. if you’re born in Bangladesh, in a hut, your life’s not going to be much fun.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, I didn’t mean that, I meant that there’s no difference between any of it. If someone from Bangladesh comes over here, or I go over there, who gives a fuck? You know, who cares? I don’t care.
HUTCHBACK
The racists care.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, they do. But why do they care?
HUTCHBACK
(becomes The Racist) Because it’s OURS! It’s our land! Fuck off! Get off my land! Get off my land!
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, but they’re not living in your living room.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, but they could be. They could be downstairs raping my wife!
DR. NOSTRUM
Maybe.
HUTCHBACK
While I’m upstairs, having if off with my next door neighbour.
DR. NOSTRUM
Whereas, at least if it’s someone you know, it’s not so bad.
HUTCHBACK
And then you could have all those little, you know, all those..(here comes The Racist again) All those black babies. That’s the theory you see, that’s where it all comes from; Get off my land, don’t shag my wife, I don’t want any black babies.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, well, I don’t get it really.
HUTCHBACK
Well, no. that’s probably why you’re not a BNP councilor.
DR. NOSTRUM
But talking to this guy I work with, who’s not a racist, but has racist views..
HUTCHBACK
“I’m not racist, it’s just that everything I say is racist.”
DR. NOSTRUM
No, I just don’t get it, I don’t understand it, I completely don’t understand it. What is it that causes something like that, I don’t get it? It completely is bemusing.
HUTCHBACK
Keep talking. See if you can do it on your own – much harder.
DR. NOSTRUM
I don’t know. I could probably keep talking for a while. (long pause – HUTCHBACK leaves the room, the DR continues, talking to himself in haltingly) Anyway.. Maybe what it is, is; that.. you are afraid that somehow.. you will lose your.. What? I don’t know what it is. What is racism? What is it about? Fear of something, I’m not sure what. (HUTCHBACK returns)
HUTCHBACK
See; Couldn’t do it.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, I could do it. I was just very quiet.
HUTCHBACK
Right, well, that’s enough of that.
All Talk 48 - Passing Exams and The Trouble With Modern Poetry
DR. NOSTRUM
Some people I tell, in the music business, or, whatever, just talking about things, um, some people are actually impressed by the fact that, you know...
HUTCHBACK
That you can add.
DR. NOSTRUM
...no, by the fact that I did Economics.
HUTCHBACK
But you didn’t do Economics.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, I did do it.
HUTCHBACK
You did it for about..
DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, I did it, I took my exam in it and everything...
HUTCHBACK
Did you?
DR. NOSTRUM
...A level. A level Economics, I got a U or, er, a D, you know, but.. but..
HUTCHBACK
And they’re very impressed!
DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, the comeback was; at least you did it. And I was thinking, well, I suppose so, but...
HUTCHBACK
You could have done anything and got a U in it.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, no, I didn’t get a U, I got a U in something else, but that’s.. that’s cos I wrote songs, instead...
HUTCHBACK
Okay
DR. NOSTRUM
...which they obviously didn’t like...
HUTCHBACK
No...
DR. NOSTRUM
Biology, I wrote songs.
HUTCHBACK
No, they don’t like that. There aren’t many songs in Biological text books.
DR. NOSTRUM
Imagine if you could have written songs though, for your exam, and got an A.
HUTCHBACK
Mm. They’d have had to have been very good, biological songs.. (has an Epiphany and sings) “Your knee bone’s connected to your thigh bone.” It’d have to be of that caliber, but more about “your platelet’s connected to your red blood vessels and all that business...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah
HUTCHBACK
...and that’s how you create Adenizine Tri-phosphate.”
DR. NOSTRUM
You’d have to be, I mean you’d have to be pretty smart to pass all your exams in meter and rhyme, that would be an achievement.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah
DR. NOSTRUM
I suppose the only exam where you’d do that is in poetry and they probably don’t even do that any more.
HUTCHBACK
No, I don’t think there is Poetry A level.
DR. NOSTRUM
No. There was some poet on the radio saying about, you know, people bemoan the lack of meter and rhyme in modern poetry, but, you know, “they’ve got to get with it cos that’s so old fashioned.”
HUTCHBACK
“Man”
DR. NOSTRUM
And I was thinking, isn’t that poetry, and what they do now is, well, I suppose it’s still called poetry, but in fact it’s just speaking. Really.
HUTCHBACK
It’s just a load of words, stuck together on a fucking page.
DR. NOSTRUM
It is really.
HUTCHBACK
That’s the problem with modern poetry.
DR. NOSTRUM
It is. I mean it has it’s own internal rhythm, but it’s unfathomable unless you can hear the person speaking who’s written it.
HUTCHBACK
But that’s the point. Everything becomes worse over time.
DR. NOSTRUM
It’s just words.
HUTCHBACK
Everything becomes worse over time – that should be the subject of this post; how everything becomes worse.
DR. NOSTRUM
And we got that off the front of a BNP leaflet.
HUTCHBACK
Oh yeah. Forgot about that.
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