All Talk 67 - Deathbed Regrets, Curry Eating & Pointless Diarising

DR. NOSTRUM
Oh Boy.

HUTCHBACK
(beat)
Not more of this! Why do they do
this, The Guardian?

DR. NOSTRUM
Is it the universe again?

HUTCHBACK
Why does everything do this? "A
Thousand 'X's To See Before You
Die."

DR. NOSTRUM
What?

HUTCHBACK
"A Thousand 'X's to 'X' before you
die."

DR. NOSTRUM
Like ex-wives?

HUTCHBACK
No, no, no. A thousand "things"...

DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, right.

HUTCHBACK
... or "thing" before you die...

DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, yeah.

HUTCHBACK
... and you can replace "thing"
with anything.

DR. NOSTRUM
Anything? So it's a thousand
"anythings"...

HUTCHBACK
No. This one's "A Thousand
'Artworks' To See Before You Die."
As if people need to see an artwork
before they die.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, A thousand is a lot Isn't it,
really?

HUTCHBACK
It's a hell of a lot.

DR. NOSTRUM
It used to be a hundred. It's
another example of inflationary
thinking, just this idea that you
can do, you know, a thousand
things. Imagine doing a thousand
important things in your life. Be
lucky to do one. Have you seen 'em
all? I guess you can just look at
'em all online.

HUTCHBACK
No. Yes, I suppose that is the
problem. Well, I've seen the second
one on the list. They haven't put
them in order because they don;t
want to appear to be dic..
dictating the, the, the...

DR. NOSTRUM
Value.

HUTCHBACK
... the, um,

DR. NOSTRUM
The value of some...

HUTCHBACK
No, the, um, what's it called?

DR. NOSTRUM
I don't know. (pause) Quality?

HUTCHBACK
No. No, they don't want to be
falling into the whole canonical
sort of, er, sort of mainstream by
saying "these are the top ten
greatest artworks of all time".
It's a sort of anti-list list.

DR. NOSTRUM
It probably used to be "Top Ten"
didn't it? And now, now it's "One
Thousand"

HUTCHBACK
Yeah, but it's sort of an
annoyingly egalitarian way to talk
about it. I think. Why not just say
"These are the twenty you need to
see, the rest are quite good, but
you won't die, sort of regretting
having seen them." (sarcastically)
As if that's likely to be the case.
As if that's likely to be what
you're thinking whilst you're
dying...

DR. NOSTRUM
I wish I'd seen...

HUTCHBACK
... "Fuck, I wish I'd seen that
Titian!"

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, you know what Gielgud said on
his deathbed? I can't imagine that
he did, but he might have done, He
said, asked did he have any regrets
"Yes, I wish I'd had more sex."
That's not bad.

HUTCHBACK
That's not bad, no. I'd like to get
to the point where you think,
"Well, that's enough sex, it's far
too much effort." I like the fact
that I don't have a sex drive any
more... It's very annoying when
you're twenty.

DR. NOSTRUM
(overlapping, quips)
And so does your wife.

HUTCHBACK
... yeah. (laughs) take my wife.
(beat - back to the art anti-list)
Oh, I do like that one though.

DR. NOSTRUM
What? A piece of Artwork?

HUTCHBACK
Erm, this thing here that they've
only got a small picture of.
Maurizio Catalan, 'The Ninth Hour'
It's a great sculpture.

DR. NOSTRUM
Where is it?

HUTCHBACK
Where is it? (looking) They don't
really say where they are.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, how are you s'posed to see
them?

HUTCHBACK
You must have seen this before? It
is a very good sculpture.

DR. NOSTRUM
No, I've never seen it.

HUTCHBACK
You've never see that, The Pope
struck down by a meteorite?

DR. NOSTRUM
It's good. It's one of those 'real'
one's yeah?

HUTCHBACK
Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM
Or is it miniature?

HUTCHBACK
No, no, it's big. You see, there's
not enough jokes, there's not
enough comedy in Art, that's the
problem.

DR. NOSTRUM
No.

HUTCHBACK
It's all far too serious.

DR. NOSTRUM
A bit po faced.

HUTCHBACK
Oh, I went to 'Frieze'. God, it was
annoying. Was it annoying last time
or did we enjoy it? We laughed a
lot didn't we?

DR. NOSTRUM
Mrs. Nostrum didn't enjoy it, it
was all a bit of a hassle and you
don't see much quality.

HUTCHBACK
Yes. Which is a good description of
life in general. Not much quality,
but a lot of aggravation.

DR. NOSTRUM
She had another wonderful
accidental description of
behaviour. I was making something,
or I bought something new and asked
her "Would you like to try it?" she
said "No, I don't want to try it in
case I don't like it." Which I
think is a fabulous catch-all
description of a certain type of
existence. (pause) Well, did you
see anything that you would buy?

HUTCHBACK
Erm.

DR. NOSTRUM
Or you would want on your walls?

HUTCHBACK
God, no. Wouldn't have any of that
shite on my walls, any of that god
awful tat. (beat) Twenty-two
minutes.

DR. NOSTRUM
Of what?

We never find out, they eat and mumble through their food.
Then...

HUTCHBACK
Do you want a knife?

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah.

HUTCHBACK
Cos those turkey bits are quite
wiry.

DR. NOSTRUM
And they've also got bit of gristle
in them.
Hmm, that was a really good thing
someone attributed to, um, that
fella who was married to Madonna, a
quote more observant than any of
his films, was that when they did
get to, er, close, he said "it was
like cuddling a piece of gristle."

HUTCHBACK
Hmm, I can see that.

DR. NOSTRUM
And his mum said the most fabulous
thing, so fabulously English and
posh, she said "He knew what he was
getting into, but what do you
expect when you deal with that end
of the market?"

HUTCHBACK
Yeah, I mean, I was always quite
surprised by that, that union. What
di she see in him? And likewise,
what did he see in her?

DR. NOSTRUM
Well...

HUTCHBACK
Money.

DR. NOSTRUM
That's what she suggested, but then
his family's very wealthy, so...?

HUTCHBACK
Okay, she was buying into this...
Manor, English country Manor.

DR. NOSTRUM
She was a stranger in a strange
land. I can't imagine dinner, the
family dinner's if that's what his
mum was thinking I can't imagine
the family was anything but very...
bony.

HUTCHBACK
Of course.

DR. NOSTRUM
Sharing a good laugh with Madonna
about the irony of her latest
single. A woman entirely without
irony I think.

HUTCHBACK
Yeah. Well you've got to be, you
know, cold eyed... a cold eyed
killer to get where she's got.

DR. NOSTRUM
Or a secret paedophile.

HUTCHBACK
Yes.

DR. NOSTRUM
One or the other. (beat - on to the
food) It's alright isn't it, out of
a jar? If that was thinner, or
thicker.

HUTCHBACK
No, it's good!

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah.

HUTCHBACK
Who makes it?

DR. NOSTRUM
Er, I think it's the British Curry
Club.

HUTCHBACK
Yeah. I mean it would take a good
hour to make curry sauce that's
better than that, so it's
definitely a.. boon.

DR. NOSTRUM
Cos it's a Vindaloo that's just,
sort of, sour. Like you said that's
it's s'posed to be.

HUTCHBACK
Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM
I've never had one, but... I guess
Vindaloo add water is a Pathia,
just add water and gradually dilute
it and add more tomatoes and
onions.

HUTCHBACK
(scathingly)
You don't "just add water". You add
more onions, you put in less
chilli.

DR. NOSTRUM
(referring to the meal)
Not an overly complex cuisine is
it? Real thing's pointlessly,
needlessly complex when you can buy
it in a jar. What are they doing
all these chefs? I like the idea of
companies that sell us tap water,
filtered tap water.

HUTCHBACK
Yeah, at least it's honest.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well it wasn't. You know Dasani...

HUTCHBACK
Well, yeah, yeah, but the one's
that actually tell you that it's
tap water.

DR. NOSTRUM
Amusingly, everywhere you go in
Nashville, "Would you like Dasani?"
It's not, "Would you like water?

HUTCHBACK
Just turn on the tap...

DR. NOSTRUM
Out comes Dasani.

HUTCHBACK
Hot and cold running Dasani. In
every house.

DR. NOSTRUM
And the benefit is it's all
drinkable. I guess in the far
future...

HUTCHBACK
They don't call it rain anymore.
"Dasani light"

DR. NOSTRUM
That wouldn't be a bad advert: A
man struggling through the desert
"Dasani! Dasani!"

They polish off the remainder of their plates, then...

HUTCHBACK
Right. I have to go and buy a
spanner.

DR. NOSTRUM
What?

HUTCHBACK
I have to go and buy a spanner. So,
we have to drive and record.

DR. NOSTRUM
Okay.

HUTCHBACK
En route.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, that's alright. You don't
have a spanner in the house? What
about pliers?

HUTCHBACK
Not a spanner, I need a... what are
those things called? A monkey
wren.. Not a monkey wrench, what
are those things called?

DR. NOSTRUM
I don't know what 'the thing' is?

HUTCHBACK
An adjustable spanner.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well why don't you just get one the
right size?

HUTCHBACK
Because I don't know what the size
is. And I want to get one that can
do...
and it's not for a bolt, it's for a
shower head. It's completely...

DR. NOSTRUM
Seized up.

HUTCHBACK
Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM
Have you tried, um, putting
limescale all over it? Have you
tried that first, cos that's the
simplest thing you can do. Instead
of buying a spanner, is to buy
Viakal. Just pour Viakal all over
it, leave it for twenty minutes,
then open it. I mean, if you don't
have an adjustable spanner and you
desperately need one...

HUTCHBACK
Well, you know, a trip to the, um,
to Bee and Queue might give us
plenty of things which, you know,
would be quite superior.

DR. NOSTRUM
How long have we got today, to come
up with anything useful? Because by
the end of today we should at least
have the opening to this...
Synopsis. Cos I like the idea that
there's a different way to write,
which is by people who don't write.
And therefore you just put down on
the page what you think is funny.

HUTCHBACK
Isn't that how...

DR. NOSTRUM
No, I don't think it is cos the guy
was telling me cos I said "Well,
how do you do this?" And he said,
"Well, there's a good book by
William Goldman," who wrote plenty
of stuff, and I said - there's a
good thing we could put in - "What,
who wrote Lord Of The Flies?"
Coming from a writer, that's quite
good. He said, "No, that's William
Golding." He had to put me right.
So now, when I mention to him...

HUTCHBACK
"There's a good book by William
Goldman." "What, you mean the guy
from Six Million Dollar Man?" "No,
that's Oscar Goldman"

DR. NOSTRUM
This stuff, there's nothing we can
do but write this stuff. So anyway,
I've ordered it online.

HUTCHBACK
But what? How long's that going to
be?

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, he just set down... it lays
out... He's written loads of books,
which aren't his books or
screenplays, but just about how you
lay out screenplays and he says
they're still very apt for how
Hollywood likes to see things. Cos
he's thinking Hollywood, he's not
thinking Britain at all.

Hutchback chokes with laughter.

HUTCHBACK
Of course.

DR. NOSTRUM
That's what I've been saying to
you, that where we're headed, I
hope, is to recreate the Seinfeld
scene, where you know... but
unfortunately we're both George,
that's the trouble.

HUTCHBACK
There isn't the talented one,
there's just the other one.

DR. NOSTRUM
I like the idea of keeping on going
to the point where you have to ask
your work for, what are they
called? A sabb...

HUTCHBACK
A sabbatical.

DR. NOSTRUM
... to, er, write a TV series.

HUTCHBACK
(sarcastically)
Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM
From an advance from, er, Mad TV.
"What's it about?" "Can't tell
you." (beat) I went to this place
called, um, I don't know, something
Elephant. It's got really good,
um... mailshots, they're quite
good, that come through the door,
with great quotes from respected
food writers about how great this
thing... and I went there and
bought some, it's just a kitchen,
like the one you've got round the
corner.

HUTCHBACK
Mm.

DR. NOSTRUM
And it was all just...

HUTCHBACK
Was it Camden?

DR. NOSTRUM
There are a few, there's a couple
of them, can't remember what
they're called... The Mad
Elephant...

HUTCHBACK
The Praying Elephant?

DR. NOSTRUM
I don't know, something Elephant,
but, um, It's just, It just tastes
like salt. Salt with a layer of
onions. Just about edible, but I
would never have it again.

HUTCHBACK
Mm.

DR. NOSTRUM
And the mixed tandoori ame in a
nice deep dish and I thought "Oh,
that's good." except, that much
from the bottom of the dish
(indicates a few millimeters) was
onions. So. They know what they're
doing with these mailshots.

HUTCHBACK
Mm, and who were these dubious food
writers?

DR. NOSTRUM
I don't know, just people like, um,
there's the Time Out review, er,
er, The Evening Standard review,
but htey must have all been, you
know, off one particular location,
off one particular chef, cos it's
the same flyer for all location but
I obviously didn't go to the one
that was written about. So there's
a good one out there somewhere "The
best Indian take-away I've ever
tasted in my life".

HUTCHBACK
They probably just made the whole
thing up.

DR. NOSTRUM
Mm. But it was very well done, so
you know, I fell for it. If you do
it well enough... people come. Have
you got Viakal?

HUTCHBACK
No.

DR. NOSTRUM
Anything? Any de-scaler or anything
like? Cos whilst we're going out...

HUTCHBACK
No. No, I don't.

DR. NOSTRUM
Cos that's probably, that's all
that's happened, it's just seized
up with the limescale.

HUTCHBACK
Yeah I'm sure. We have cake... for
later.

DR. NOSTRUM
I thought you were suggesting we
put that on the shower. No, I
haven't got Viakal, I've got cake.

They finally have polished off the meal.

HUTCHBACK
That was very nice, thank you.

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, it's all right isn't it?

HUTCHBACK
Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM
So have you been wii-fitting?

HUTCHBACK
Um, no, I just use it to weigh
myself. It's just a very expensive
scales.

DR. NOSTRUM
One in which you have no concept of
whether it's accurate or not.

HUTCHBACK
No, no, no it's totally accurate.
It's a lot more accurate than the
set of scales we've got, that
varies by three pounds from one day
to the next.

DR. NOSTRUM
I was talking to the builder, to
the decorator who was gonna come
and do our castle. Did the Keates
ever come out here?

Keates is a decorator in his 60's often in the employ of the
Good Doctor.

HUTCHBACK
Expensive.

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, well, he can be expensive.
He's not expensive to me for some
reason, but there we are, but he
was saying he loves all this
computer stuff, he plays wii almost
all the time and he said, you
know... it was a real embarrassment
when it gave him his wii age of 80,
or something like that, in front of
his family, so now he's trying to
get his wii age down, this
decorator, essex decorator. I
suppose it could replace your real
age.

HUTCHBACK
Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM
I've got to say...

HUTCHBACK
But it's just about balance.

DR. NOSTRUM
But that's what I was thinking
watching it. Watching you show us
how great it all was it just made
me think "it's a very expensive way
to put your back out." You could do
it far, far more cheaply by holding
something heavy over your head
whilst climbing a ladder.

HUTCHBACK
No, it was fun for a while, but I
just can't... If you actually,
seriously want to do exercise it's
kind of a pain. Far better to just
go for a run. (beat) So? What do we
need to write today?

DR. NOSTRUM
We'll try and expand on the
synopsis. Just start.

HUTCHBACK
Just start? Just start doing it. So
we actually have to sit and write
to start?

DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, we just talk.

HUTCHBACK
Well that's no good.

DR. NOSTRUM
Yes it is, it's fine.

HUTCHBACK
No, no, you have to write.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, it's only what I did last
time. It's just, I'd like to write
something we can send to the
writer.

HUTCHBACK
Now, my phone can record stuff.

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, so can mine but I can never
understand what I'm saying.

HUTCHBACK
Oh.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well we can try it.

HUTCHBACK
Yeah, mine will be better.

DR. NOSTRUM
Mine just went (makes loud
crackling noises)

HUTCHBACK
We'll do a little test.

DR. NOSTRUM
And how long will it record for?

HUTCHBACK
Well it's got about four gig of
memory on it so it should be
plenty.

DR. NOSTRUM
A lot of 'em have a thing where
they turn themselves off after a
minute though. "I missed it, I
missed the greatest joke ever
told!"

HUTCHBACK
Right. (a couple of beeps sound)
It's recording at high quality.

DR. NOSTRUM
We'll just have to try and
summarise the show.

HUTCHBACK
There you go.

DR. NOSTRUM
We don't need high quality.

HUTCHBACK
It can record fifty three minutes
at high quality.

Hutchback plays back his last sentence.

DR. NOSTRUM
OK, well that can run whilst
we're... You know there was some
bloke, did you read or see about
this guy, there's this bloke who's
written literally for like the last
fifty years he wrote in his diary
every fifteen minutes.

HUTCHBACK
(not listening at all)
Ah, now you see. Now, it's saving
it onto the... Oh, it says it can
only record an hour. That's very
strange, the maximum clip length is
one hour, even though it's saving
it onto the memory card. It's not
that interesting I suppose?

DR. NOSTRUM
No.

HUTCHBACK
OK, so?

DR. NOSTRUM
We don't have to turn it on now.

HUTCHBACK
No, no, just when we get in the
car.

DR. NOSTRUM
Um. No, I think we just have to...
No, this bloke, he was a married
bloke and he wrote a diary entry
every fifteen minutes and when he
slept he slept for, like, a maximum
of three hours and then he'd get up
and write in the book and he's done
it for about thirty years.

HUTCHBACK
(overlapping)
He's insane, yes?

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, this is what they were
suggesting. He's a... he was a
vicar, or something.

HUTCHBACK
Right.

DR. NOSTRUM
And his wife, when he didn't write
in it, if he wasn't at the diary he
would, you know, call up his wife
and tell her what to write. Imagine
being married to that. He did that
and it seems that it's all just
complete mundain rubbish, rubbish,
you know, nothing...

HUTCHBACK
(laughing)
"I sat down"

DR. NOSTRUM
... Yeah. It's stuff like that, "I
had a piece of cake, wasn't bad"

HUTCHBACK
"I've been sitting now, for an
hour, I'll give you an update in
fifteen minutes."

DR. NOSTRUM
Mm.

HUTCHBACK
"Still sitting"

DR. NOSTRUM
Mm. Just stuff like that.

HUTCHBACK
"I'm watching telly."

DR. NOSTRUM
Cos, you know cos he thinks he's
creating... the reason he did it,
he wanted to create an important
historical document (Hutchback
laughs mockingly) And maybe it will
be, but it's just, er...

HUTCHBACK
Well, there is a long history of
the history of nobodies.

DR. NOSTRUM
Hmm.

HUTCHBACK
OK, so let's start recording...

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, we've got a couple of good
things, well, one good thing, I
think doggie creampies is quite
good.

HUTCHBACK
Doggie creampies... yeah.

They go out.

All Talk 66 - On The Unlikely Cause Of The Global Financial Crisis

Enough about Tempur...

HUTCHBACK
(distracted)
That's interesting!

DR. NOSTRUM
No. Oh, Is it?

HUTCHBACK
Well, sort of vaguely... not really
interesting.

DR. NOSTRUM
What is it, a cricket score?

HUTCHBACK
No, no. If hull win today by 16
goals they go top of the league.

Football (soccer) discussion follows for several minutes
which I judiciously edit out for your reading 'pleasure'.
Then.

DR. NOSTRUM
(on the curry)
Right, it's ready, do you want any?

HUTCHBACK
Yeah, sure.

DR. NOSTRUM
Do you have... You don't have a
microwave.

HUTCHBACK
Yes of course we have a microwave.
No modern Human can live without a
microwave.

DR. NOSTRUM
Even Tramps.

HUTCHBACK
They walk around with them.

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. Looking for power outlets.
Actually, that's not a bad thing
too, if Tramps, for food, you give
them food, ready made food... and
someone says to them "Have you got
a microwave?" (Tramp replies) "Oh,
yeah, yeah, I've got a microwave"

HUTCHBACK
(matter of factly)
Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM
"Of course I've got a microwave."
(pause) "I haven't got a house."
This second life thing, Aussie
Chris had a good idea: talking
about real estate and how the real
estate in Second Life is going up,
which it is, which is really
strange in itself, but you know,
and that people are speculating...

HUTCHBACK
(overlapping)
People are now speculating on
Second Life real estate...

DR. NOSTRUM
No, they do...

HUTCHBACK
(disparagingly)
Fucking Hell.

DR. NOSTRUM
... and he said, "well, I could
sell my house." He said "I might as
well sell my house and buy an
island and just walk ar... you
know, just live on the street with
my computer."

HUTCHBACK
Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM
So if somebody says "Where do you
live?" You say "I live in
there."...

HUTCHBACK
Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM
... "It's going up."

HUTCHBACK
Yes. You see, I think this
perfectly exemplifies the stupidity
of the housing market, that: you
buy a house to live in, not to make
money out of.

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, well, but, I'm not sure. I'm
not sure what Second Life is
dependant on at all, can you
imagine Second Life having a
financial crisis?

HUTCHBACK
(imagining)
Well.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, I mean the idea that banks on
Second Life have speculated wildly
against the price of rising
imaginary real estate...

HUTCHBACK
Mm. And the value of the imaginary
money is now worthless.

DR. NOSTRUM
But also that...

HUTCHBACK
The imaginary money is now
worthless.

DR. NOSTRUM
... their valuation was completely
unrealistic.

HUTCHBACK
Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM
Cause it doesn't exist.

HUTCHBACK
In fact, the whole international
crisis is caused by people
offsetting bad debts into mortgages
in Second Life.

All Talk 65 - On Breaking Glass, Dog Creampies and Ruining Other People's Homes

HUTCHBACK
Yeah. (beat) Now, I've been
breaking glass recently...

DR. NOSTRUM
(sorry to hear that)
Oh.

HUTCHBACK
... Inadvertently. Two large
breakages, er, on two of our
holidays...

DR. NOSTRUM
Oh. Hmm?

HUTCHBACK
... and I'm wondering whether this
means anything.

DR. NOSTRUM
It means you're clumsy.

HUTCHBACK
Yes. It means... that's the most
obvious thing it means. I'm
wondering if it means anything
else?

DR. NOSTRUM
Isn't breaking glass a metaphor for
a new, er, new stages of life,
isn't that what it's about,
originally? That's why the, er...

HUTCHBACK
I think, Jewish, maybe...

DR. NOSTRUM
I think that's why they...

HUTCHBACK
... but not...

DR. NOSTRUM
No, cos they all said that, er, in
Russian weddings...

HUTCHBACK
Yeah?

DR. NOSTRUM
Which is kind of... weird, I didn't
know that really.

HUTCHBACK
So, I broke a window, in France.

DR. NOSTRUM
I've broke... I've broken wind.

HUTCHBACK
I broke a window, er, in a Chateau.

DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, really? Bloody Hell.

HUTCHBACK
Yeah. That was quite annoying.

DR. NOSTRUM
Did you admit to it?

HUTCHBACK
Yeah, of course! (laughs) No, I
drew the curtains and left!

DR. NOSTRUM
(practicing excuses)
"Well, a bird must have flown into
it."

HUTCHBACK
A small remote control aeroplane
flew into the room...

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, you could say a small bird,
well, a big bird...

HUTCHBACK
No, no no. No, it, um...

DR. NOSTRUM
"It was an Eagle, Fuckin' 'ell, I
think it was an Eagle!"

HUTCHBACK
No, it's, so I, er, I broke it just
by closing it.

DR. NOSTRUM
Oh.

HUTCHBACK
Just by closing it, you know, it;s
one of these old... It was an old
Chateau, big windows...

DR. NOSTRUM
Wasn't one of these old lead
windows was it?

HUTCHBACK
... stiff, quite stiff.

DR. NOSTRUM
14th century window?

HUTCHBACK
(miming effort)
Close, close... wham, smash!

DR. NOSTRUM
Smash? What the whole thing?

HUTCHBACK
Yeah, the whole thing just went,
just... fell out. (The Dr. Is
fiddlging with the stove) What have
you done? Are you gassing us? Well,
it's appropriate.

DR. NOSTRUM
It doesn't smell bad does it?

Hutchback coughs.

DR. NOSTRUM (CONT'D)
It's not bad I think.

HUTCHBACK
Do you want... That's what they
said in the gas ovens.

DR. NOSTRUM
"Doesn't smell bad."

HUTCHBACK
"Doesn't smell bad?"

DR. NOSTRUM
"Not bad this smell." Actually,
that's been partially my week this
week. We got a new boiler put in
and unbeknownst to me, because they
didn't tell me, the company that
did it, that make the boiler, went
into liquidation on fri... er, last
friday and the boiler started
giving off these fumes. So, I call
'em up and you can't get through to
anyone...
regular British service stuff...
So, basically I had to kind of,
force them to get back to me by
suggesting that if I died, that
wouldn't be very good for anyone.
Cos I think the kind of idea is
they ignore all the calls from
people who are enraged because they
paid 'em for a new boiler just
because they've already paid them,
but they can't easily ignore a call
from someone who says their product
might kill them.

HUTCHBACK
Mm. And then glass breakage number
two...

DR. NOSTRUM
Yes?

HUTCHBACK
... was actually way better. This
is in Spain, on our second
holiday...

DR. NOSTRUM
OK

HUTCHBACK
You see, I don't need to be a
writer, I can afford two holidays a
year.

DR. NOSTRUM
No, it is good, it really is good.
Although if you're a writer, your
life is one long holiday.

HUTCHBACK
Just one where you haven't got any
money.

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah.

HUTCHBACK
So you can't... eat, drink, or
um... make merry.

DR. NOSTRUM
(overlapping)
Break windows

HUTCHBACK
Break windows. no, so, um, this was
quite good: We spend the whole
weekend in this flat, er, in Spain,
er, borrowed it off, er, we were...
we were lent the flat by, er...

DR. NOSTRUM
Nice flat?

HUTCHBACK
It was OK.

DR. NOSTRUM
Expensive windows?

HUTCHBACK
No, it wansn't as nice as our flat,
but, we got it for free so you
can't complain.

DR. NOSTRUM
No. Well...

HUTCHBACK
Um, well you can complain...

DR. NOSTRUM
You can.

HUTCHBACK
... but you'd be a cunt if you did.
As we know.

DR. NOSTRUM
Yep.

HUTCHBACK
Um, and then on the last day, we
were stacking up all the outside
furniture on the balcony...

DR. NOSTRUM
Right.

HUTCHBACK
... and I was moving stuff around,
and we had a big round table that
we'd been kind of putting stuff on
the whole week...

DR. NOSTRUM
Mm-hmm.

HUTCHBACK
... covered in a table cloth and I
thought, oh, OK, I'll just move
this, out the way...

DR. NOSTRUM
Right.

HUTCHBACK
... so I picked it up, like this...

DR. NOSTRUM
The big round table?

HUTCHBACK
Big round table... just shif...

DR. NOSTRUM
Made of what?

HUTCHBACK
Well, yeah...

DR. NOSTRUM
Glass?

HUTCHBACK
This is what I didn't know. So, I
just moved it half a foot, just to
move it out of the way. Let it go
and the whole thing just toppled
over... It was basically this thin,
wicker, sort of like a drum...

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah.

HUTCHBACK
... with this huge round piece of
glass just resting on the top.

DR. NOSTRUM
Mmm.

HUTCHBACK
Not attached. And they hadn't
thought to tell us!

DR. NOSTRUM
No, they hadn't thought to tell you
because of course everybody moves
these things around.

HUTCHBACK
Well...

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, you know...

HUTCHBACK
What, moving a table?

DR. NOSTRUM
No, I know it's good.

HUTCHBACK
That's not an unlikely event...

DR. NOSTRUM
No.

HUTCHBACK
... tables are not nailed to the
floor.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, they are in pubs aren't they.

HUTCHBACK
N... No.

DR. NOSTRUM
Though why, I'm never sure.

HUTCHBACK
They're not nailed to the floor in
pubs! What are you talking about?

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, they're bolted to the floor,
some of them are bolted to the
floor.

HUTCHBACK
Only in the lower class pubs.

DR. NOSTRUM
(big sigh)
So it went did it? Bloody Hell.

HUTCHBACK
The whole thing toppled over, but
it was this huge piece of glass
that balanced on a piece of wicker
basket that was that wide.

DR. NOSTRUM
Wow. Yeah, I understand.

HUTCHBACK
It was just totally precarious and
obviously there was no weight in
the base so any kind of... Anyway
the whole thing just went and
shattered everywhere. It was very
thick glass. And we were about to
leave for the airport.

The Dr. has a good laugh at the Hutchback's expense.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, that's how it works!

HUTCHBACK
That's always how it works?

DR. NOSTRUM
No, it is, it is how it works! M
and I in Nashville, we stayed at,
you know, the first time we're very
generously given the opportunity to
stay at the house of this record
company exec...

HUTCHBACK
And you accidentally raped the dog
on the last day!

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, no, I did that earlier, but
the, um... cos the dog, you know,
was very, er, slow and, er, mellow.

HUTCHBACK
We say rape, but we don't know
because the dog couldn't speak for
itself.

DR. NOSTRUM
No, she was consensual.

HUTCHBACK
But she couldn't speak for herself.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well she didn't say anything! She
didn't put up a, er, she didn't
complain. Anyway, er, you know the
dog was one of these sort of,
er....

HUTCHBACK
How did she behave afterwards,
though, that's the question?

DR. NOSTRUM
Cold shoulder.

HUTCHBACK
Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM
Cold cunt.

HUTCHBACK
She didn't return your calls.

DR. NOSTRUM
No, she was immediately licking
herself clean. Er, what do they
call that? Creampie. She was
licking her own creampie.

HUTCHBACK
Doggie creampies. That's not good.

DR. NOSTRUM
No, but it probably exists
somewhere.

HUTCHBACK
(imagining the horror)
Ahh.

DR. NOSTRUM
No, I'm not going to look that up
on the net.

HUTCHBACK
Well, purely for research purposes.

DR. NOSTRUM
That's right, anyway, erm, the last
day we were in his house,
everything had been fine and, er,
he had old food in the fridge, so I
stuffed it down the waste disposal
and, er, including twelve eggs,
which went down the waste disposal
and then put on the dishwasher...

HUTCHBACK
Ending?

DR. NOSTRUM
... and all the sink started
filling up, water coming up,
everything coming up... turned
everything off, had to zoom down
to... and this guy's house is
spotless and he is, um, OCD...

HUTCHBACK
And he's an anal retentive...

DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, he is, he's an OCD guy who,
I mean, you know, he called up
three times in the first three days
just to say where things were. I
think, I mean maybe, it was er,
quite a struggle to accept having
done this but he was really great
and he called afterwards to say
things like, um, "could you just
tell me which videos you took out
of the drawer cos I put them in a
special order." And I said "I knew
you put them in an order but I
couldn't figure out what it was."
And he said, "Oh, well, it's by the
actor...

HUTCHBACK
By ISDN number.

DR. NOSTRUM
No, but wait, it was the actor and
then the genre. So he has a Pacino
set, but each...

HUTCHBACK
Pacino, but within each Pacino
group, there's a sub-group...

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, there's a sub-grouping.

HUTCHBACK
But that makes perfect sense.

DR. NOSTRUM
So... I... and meanwhile he turned
up, and the thing is, is, I
couldn't get the water down. So, he
turned up with a sink, you know,
half full...

HUTCHBACK
Full of eggs, rotten eggs...

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, eggs and the scum on the top
of the water. Well, I tried with
the Drano, I called him, I said I
don't know what to do...

HUTCHBACK
Well you can't put Drano down a
full sink.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well they make this stuff in
America that you can put down
anything. Basically, it clears
everything. But, what it was, he
says "Oh, no, you can't turn on...
you can't have both the...

HUTCHBACK
But no, you can't pour it into a
sink full of water.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, no, I was trying to make
it...

HUTCHBACK
It dilutes.

DR. NOSTRUM
They've got this really thick
stuff, I was trying to make it...
They've got this really thick heavy
stuff that goes straight through
the water...

HUTCHBACK
Oh, does it?

DR. NOSTRUM
... into the drain.

HUTCHBACK
(irony)
It's amazing what they've got in
America.

DR. NOSTRUM
And he said to me, eventually, he
said "Did you turn on the waste
disposal at the same time as having
the dishwasher on?" I said "Yes" he
said "You can't do that." Of
course.

HUTCHBACK
Of course.

DR. NOSTRUM
Cos, you know that.

HUTCHBACK
Yes.

DR. NOSTRUM
You know.

HUTCHBACK
You see, there you go.

DR. NOSTRUM
And that's the thing, you see there
is...

HUTCHBACK
They forget to tell you!

DR. NOSTRUM
And then it's ruination.

HUTCHBACK
They lend you, they loan you their
places and then, selfishly, forget
to tell you critical information.

DR. NOSTRUM
Selfishly, they just leave it hanging
that "I'm out of pocket 370
dollars."

HUTCHBACK
Yup. you got away, well, no,
actually, I think we both... I'm
out of pocket 300 Euros. About the
same.

DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, no, that's... he said that.

HUTCHBACK
Oh. You didn't have to pay him?
I've got to pay!

DR. NOSTRUM
No. No, I had to pay him.

HUTCHBACK
Well, then, there you go.

DR. NOSTRUM
No, not had to pay him. I paid him
half.

HUTCHBACK
For what? Oh, a plumber.

DR. NOSTRUM
Er, yeah, I paid half the plumber's
fees and I offered that, he didn't
ask, he just left it hanging. You
know, but he is connected to the
mafia, so I thought I'd better...

HUTCHBACK
I like that, an entire mafia outfit
all with OCD.

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah.

HUTCHBACK
Constantly, constantly checking how
many bullets they've got in the
chamber. Counting them in, counting
them out.

DR. NOSTRUM
No, I mean you could tell, I like
the guy, he's a very nice guy, when
you go into the house, with his...
he's a family guy...

HUTCHBACK
But he's not really mafia.

DR. NOSTRUM
But it's one of these things like,
all the pictures, they're all
pointing in the same direction.

HUTCHBACK
What, you mean, out from the wall?

DR. NOSTRUM
No, no no no no...

HUTCHBACK
As opposed to in towards the wall?

DR. NOSTRUM
No, I didn't get the description
right. Photographs of his family,
he's got loads of photographs of
his family and his wife and so on,
on tables and they're all...

HUTCHBACK
Oh, I see.

DR. NOSTRUM
... pointing in the same
direction...

HUTCHBACK
OK

DR. NOSTRUM
... and things like that.

HUTCHBACK
Oh, right, OK.

DR. NOSTRUM
But, very amusingly, he said, one
of the first things he said to me
was "have you heard of Tempur?"

The Hutchback laughs, this is an old joke between the Dr. and
his trusty servant, the magical and near mythical substance
Tempur having been recommended to the Hutchback by the Dr. as
a pillow, years previously, which subsequently put the Hutchback's neck out
permanently.

HUTCHBACK
Ahh.

DR. NOSTRUM
I said "Yeah."

HUTCHBACK
He said "Oh, well, my mattress is
Tempur."

DR. NOSTRUM
You're one of the only two people
in the whole of England who've been
sucked in to the whole Tempur scam.

HUTCHBACK
He says it's great, but one of the
things it does is it get's really
hot, so even in the middle of
winter you only sleep with, um, a
sheet, cos it puts out loads of
warmth, which is not something that
it actually did, but there we are.

All Talk 64 - Any distraction will do

They re-enter the dungeon. We miss some of the conversation,
picking it up as Hutchback is clearing out the refrigerator
and busying himself with other kitchen minion tasks whilst
the Dr. prepares a meal.

HUTCHBACK (CONT'D)
... or giving one to the tramp,
although, raw turkey being given to
a tramp... raw chicken, raw minced
chicken.

DR. NOSTRUM
No, I thought, cos, I just seem to
remember, the first time we sat
down and wrote something, you were
trying to do something with your
computer and... unable to do it,
you were trying to find a lead, or,
er, get something working and that
would have been one of the
character traits of this thing, is
that, whilst... what's his name,
that guy, we've got, Green...

HUTCHBACK
Hold, on, let me...

DR. NOSTRUM
... er, Jimmy...

HUTCHBACK
Green, Jimmy...

DR. NOSTRUM
Jimmy... and I can't rem...

HUTCHBACK
... and a lunatic.

DR. NOSTRUM
Zack! Right, Zack, so...

HUTCHBACK
Zack.

DR. NOSTRUM
... one of his character traits
would be that whilst he's supposed
to be doing something he's always
doing something else, so, you know,
even if you're writing an episode
he's actually trying to fix his
computer, or he's...

HUTCHBACK
Mm.

DR. NOSTRUM
whatever, one of theses things. He
can do that. (Resounding silence
from Hutchback) Well, we'll see
where to start, the fellow Rat said
just expand, expand what was
written.

Huge crash of clanking sounds as Hutchback empties the
dishwasher cutlery into a drawer.

DR. NOSTRUM (CONT'D)
It's funny you get All-Clad, that's
what Peter said he always bought,
Peter in America, and I turned him
on to (puts on imperious voice)
"Swiss Diamond". Have you heard of
Swiss Diamond?

HUTCHBACK
No.

DR. NOSTRUM
It's that you stuff that, you know,
non-stick, but you can't scratch
it.

HUTCHBACK
Oh.

DR. NOSTRUM
It's, um, you can use metal and
scour it and everything but it's
non-stick.

Sounds of Hutchback's gas stove being lit.

DR. NOSTRUM (CONT'D)
(sings)
"you've got, not HIV, but full
blown AIDS!" Have you got anything
oily or ghee like, or...

HUTCHBACK
No. Oh, I might have some ghee
actually, that I made.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, if you've got any... The
reason I'm making this again is
that I made it really nice, but
it's the "curry club curry sauces"
and, um, but I used rancid ghee...

HUTCHBACK
Yes, that's not good.

DR. NOSTRUM
... so, I ruined it, you know?

HUTCHBACK
That doesn't help.

DR. NOSTRUM
(putting some in the pan)
A piece of oil. (hums to himself)

HUTCHBACK
Well, we've got butter, or
vegetable oil.

DR. NOSTRUM
Great. Vegetable oil.

HUTCHBACK
So do you want to use a non-stick?

DR. NOSTRUM
Nah, it's got sauce so...

HUTCHBACK
So, really, we are recording the
sound of you cooking lunch.

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. Have you got a lid for these?

HUTCHBACK
Yup.

DR. NOSTRUM
The sound of food.

HUTCHBACK
The sound of Jews cooking.

DR. NOSTRUM
Are there any cooking programs on
the radio? There's a niche.

HUTCHBACK
Um...

DR. NOSTRUM
There was a great question on, um,
one of the window's computer things
about improving the um, improving
the effieciency of the computer for
your use. One of the questions was
"Are you blind?" with a little
check box next to it.

HUTCHBACK
"Yes, no, don't know?"... So, um,
what do we have to... surely we
should be writing then, rather than
just talking shit?

DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, we are, it depends how long
we've got, because this is how I
can see the only way to start
writing, not knowing how to write,
is that since what we have come up
with is, er, deemed to be a "good
start" he said "just expand on it"
and then next time maybe we'll sit
with Rat, or he'll have a go at,
you know, re... re-jigging what
we've done. I asked, you know, I
told you I asked the Freelance
Visionary about him?

HUTCHBACK
Yeah

DR. NOSTRUM
And the Freelance Visionary said
he'd never met him, but he must be
good to be working on that project
because, because it's a very tough
project for the writers...

HUTCHBACK
What?

DR. NOSTRUM
... in that they were literally
given, like, 3 weeks to write an
episode...

HUTCHBACK
Of what?

DR. NOSTRUM
Robinson Crusoe.

HUTCHBACK
Oh, Robinson Crusoe.

DR. NOSTRUM
He wrote one of the episodes.

HUTCHBACK
Oh, it's series. OK.

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. So, I said, well that's what
I said when I met Rat, um, "What's
next?" and he just said, you know,
expand on the synopsis, more about
the characters and the story. (More
and more cooking sounds) I mean, we
did kinda semi-write episodes
already, didn't we?

HUTCHBACK
Yeah, we did, but we lost them all.

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah.

HUTCHBACK
We lost them all in a terrible
computer mishap. Whereby I deleted
everything from you, thinking it's
a load of, you know, it's a load of
meaningless shit, which I'd never
need. Which was a fair assumption
at that point.

DR. NOSTRUM
Noooo, it wasn't, it's always,
look, it's, what it is, it's the,
er, it's, it's the face that
launches a thousand ships.

HUTCHBACK
(dubious)
Hmm.

DR. NOSTRUM
It's the, what is it? Um, the
greatest TV show never made.

HUTCHBACK
It's the, it's the moral outrage
that launched, launches a... that,
that sinks a thousand...

DR. NOSTRUM
Careers.

HUTCHBACK
... careers.

DR. NOSTRUM
Ah, it's worth it! That's part of
the thing I was saying to Rat, I
said that...

HUTCHBACK
Actually not as it were "sinks"
we're not exactly floating.

DR. NOSTRUM
No, but it would be interesting.

HUTCHBACK
It would be... strange. If not...
and I suppose strange and
interesting.

DR. NOSTRUM
Unimaginable.

HUTCHBACK
Yes. Unimaginable.

DR. NOSTRUM
As, but, well, no that's not
actually true is it? It's not
unimaginable, it's just... crazy.
But there we are... I like it.

HUTCHBACK
What about, why don't we both
record this?

DR. NOSTRUM
OK. That would be a good start, to
something. Cos I actually think
that's one of the things I enjoy
about, about, you know, anythng
that sits within an episode, is
that, you know, you can have these
kind of ideas of "how do they write
this stuff?" Which is really, just
Zack recording Jimmy talking.

HUTCHBACK
Yes.

DR. NOSTRUM
But, erm, I told you...

HUTCHBACK
Ostensibly this is to make sure we
don't lose...

DR. NOSTRUM
No, I told you this thing haven't
I, I was...

HUTCHBACK
Have you still got the audio
recordings?

DR. NOSTRUM
Yes.

HUTCHBACK
Oh, OK, so we've still got
something...

DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, no, no, no, no, no I don't. No,
I don't.

HUTCHBACK
Ah.

DR. NOSTRUM
I don't have it. I've got one
document, which is Green Light
Synopsis. I've got one recording of
something, but I don't know... But
anyway, I was sitting in this
writing appointment, with... for
music, I think I told you this,
and, um, I was talking about a
lyric that I'd done and the guy
sitting next to me had said, "Oh,
yeah, I'd like to see that."

HUTCHBACK
What?

DR. NOSTRUM
This lyric. I was talking about a
lyric I'd done and one of the guys
in the writing session said "oh,
yes, let's have a look at it." and
then, we were on the computers and
I was saying, oh, well, I was
thinking, "Well, how do I give it
to you?" And he says, "Oh well
there's an online... there's a, er,
network." and he gave me the name
of the network password and that
didn't work and then, I was
thinking well, do I have a usb
stick, the usb stick? but mine was
mac and his was windows and would
that... I don't know. And then I
realised that I had it on a piece
of paper and that, you know, that
was the last thing I thought of,
just, just giving him the lyric.

HUTCHBACK
(setting up his recording)
How many beats a minute should I...

DR. NOSTRUM
No, don't do it like that, do, go
back to, um, create... go... just
go to create new podcast episode...

HUTCHBACK
Oh

DR. NOSTRUM
... if you just open Garageband...

HUTCHBACK
(imitating)
G.. Garahge-band. (laughs)

DR. NOSTRUM
Is that what it is?

HUTCHBACK
(grandly)
"Guh-rahge band"

DR. NOSTRUM
What is it?

HUTCHBACK
Well, no, that's like the posh way
of saying it.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well what is it?

HUTCHBACK
(UK accent)
Garidge Band

DR. NOSTRUM
No, I've never heard anybody call
it that.

HUTCHBACK
(lorldly)
"Ge-rahge Band" What do you mean
you've never heard anyone...
(laughs) "Ge-rahge Band"

DR. NOSTRUM
Ge-rah... Well, I suppose it's cos
I've only mentioned it in America,
that's why.

HUTCHBACK
"Ge-.." Well, no, cos in... well,
anyway...

DR. NOSTRUM
Ge-rahge Band.

HUTCHBACK
No, it says, Oh, create new podcast
episode.

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah

HUTCHBACK
OK, so... "Utter Shit, Part 1"

DR. NOSTRUM
No, don't call it that, don't do
that.

HUTCHBACK
No, sorry, "Shite." "Utter Shite,
part 1".

DR. NOSTRUM
Let's not kill it yet.

HUTCHBACK
Well, you know, you have to be
humble.

DR. NOSTRUM
No, you don't have to be humble.

HUTCHBACK
At the very least.

DR. NOSTRUM
You don't have to be humble...

HUTCHBACK
When you're starting off... OK.

DR. NOSTRUM
Humble. I mean the...

HUTCHBACK
"Can't record this track."

DR. NOSTRUM
The furthest I think you can go, is
you and me pitching it in LA.
That'll be a dream ticket and then
we can retire heads held high,
having re-created a Seinfeld
episode. (beat - still cooking
remember) It's good, Turkey,
although not good for Turkey's.

HUTCHBACK
No.

DR. NOSTRUM
And it's cheap.

HUTCHBACK
Yeah, but it doesn't really taste
of anything, that's the problem.

DR. NOSTRUM
Free range... well, that's why I'm
making a curry.

HUTCHBACK
Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM
Free range Turkey is, um, dead
cheap.

HUTCHBACK
Maybe... I see you can set this to
music, maybe you can... maybe
that's been our mistake so far. We
can put a backing track on...

DR. NOSTRUM
I can do that.

HUTCHBACK
Just stick a random backing track
on.

DR. NOSTRUM
Maybe, um, Ode To Spring? Or, um,
no, what's that one with the, er,
UEFA champions league? Um.

HUTCHBACK
Yeah, the, er, what the, er...

DR. NOSTRUM
Ode To Joy. Ode To Joy.

HUTCHBACK
Yeah, just have it playing quietly
in the background, on a loop.

The Dr. enthusiastically and mistakenly starts singing
Carmina Burana, instead of Ode To Joy.

DR. NOSTRUM
Hang on, that's a different one
again.

HUTCHBACK
Waht's that?

DR. NOSTRUM
That's the Davidoff advert. Amazing
isn't it, all these great pieces of
music now known by their product.

HUTCHBACK
"Please select or enable a software
or real instrument track for your
recording."

DR. NOSTRUM
I'll set it up for you alright?
It's not... you've got to do more
than just turn it on.

HUTCHBACK
Right. Oh.

DR. NOSTRUM
You actually have to know something
about...

HUTCHBACK
Oh no, there we go! It's recording.

DR. NOSTRUM
That's it. It says it's recor...
Oh, no that's right.

HUTCHBACK
"Male Voice". Male voice choir.
(talking really high) So if I talk
really high...

DR. NOSTRUM
Have you got something I can use
to... oh, no, i'll just put a bit
of water in. I'm going to go for
this (holding up some curry paste),
plus whatever the other one is.

HUTCHBACK
(ironically)
Apricot Jam?

DR. NOSTRUM
Yes. They're both quite nice.

HUTCHBACK
So... So, um...

DR. NOSTRUM
So, on the...

HUTCHBACK
Do you want some yoghurt? Greek
yoghurt?

DR. NOSTRUM
Erm, no, I don't think so. Well,
you can taste it and add whatever
you want. I'm just getting rid of
the stuff that I bought.

HUTCHBACK
Yeah. "I'm just getting rid of
stuff". "In your stomach" "I
thought, better than throwing it in
the bin, I'll give it to you to
eat."

DR. NOSTRUM
I actually do think about it like
that, food, I'd rather eat it than
throw it away. I've become, er,
like your mum.

All Talk 63 - On Not Writing One hour TV Shows (really pre - All Talk 58)

We jump out of sync, to keep the serious business of writing the world's next great TV show together vaguely coherently. For the synchronistically pedantic amongst our readers the following chapters 63 through 67 take place prior to Shopping at Warmongers via Will Self - All Talk 58.

HUTCHBACK
OK, so... sorry, what do we need to
do again?

DR. NOSTRUM
We would like to...

HUTCHBACK
Write an hour...

DR. NOSTRUM
No, No!

HUTCHBACK
Oh, OK.

DR. NOSTRUM
No, we just want to expand on the
premise of the show.

HUTCHBACK
An hour...

DR. NOSTRUM
NO!

HUTCHBACK
OK.

DR. NOSTRUM
What we have to do is just expand
on the premise of the whole show.

HUTCHBACK
(overlapping)
So it lasts an hour... No.

DR. NOSTRUM
For the whole show.

HUTCHBACK
So the whole show now is one hour?

DR. NOSTRUM
(ignoring him)
And then eventually we'll decide
whether we have to write a bunch
of... a series, or just an, er,

HUTCHBACK
And where does the hour thing come
in?

DR. NOSTRUM
It comes in, that in the first hour
of the show you get an hour.

HUTCHBACK
OK.

DR. NOSTRUM
There's definitely an hour in
there...

HUTCHBACK
Definitely an hour.

DR. NOSTRUM
...within the first hour.

HUTCHBACK
And sometimes even within the first
50 minutes, if it's a good show.

DR. NOSTRUM
If you get the pacing right you can
really make it feel like it's
moving on.

HUTCHBACK
So, shouldn't it be that what you
don't want...

DR. NOSTRUM
Is what? People thinking it's going
to fast.

HUTCHBACK
(overlapping)
Thinking... Yeah, no, what you
want...

DR. NOSTRUM
You want it so they're bored out of
their minds.

HUTCHBACK
...is for the first hour to sem
like an hour and a half. No. You
want the first hour to seem like
half an hour. That's the trick.
That's the genius.

DR. NOSTRUM
I don't know. I mean, If you're
enjoying yourself an hour is great,
if you're not, it's tedious, so,
it's an hour either way. I don't
know, I'm not an expert.

HUTCHBACK
What we should do is work out how
much time you can lose to adverts,
and then...

DR. NOSTRUM
(catching on)
The more adverts there are...

HUTCHBACK
The more adverts... If you put in
more adverts then we don't have to
write as much.

DR. NOSTRUM
We can have adverts for Monkey
Wrenches and Mole Grips.

HUTCHBACK
Yeah... We don't have to write as
many jokes. You see, this is the
problem.

DR. NOSTRUM
No...

HUTCHBACK
You see neither of us know how to
write a joke.

DR. NOSTRUM
That's fine, that's fine. I'm not
worried by the essential...

HUTCHBACK
Inability.

DR. NOSTRUM
..the essential thing, you know,
the fact that we don't write is not
a problem.

HUTCHBACK
(ironically)
Not a problem. OK.

DR. NOSTRUM
The problem is, that at some point
we'll have to write.

HUTCHBACK
Yes.

DR. NOSTRUM
That's the problem.

HUTCHBACK
So it's not a problem at the
moment.

DR. NOSTRUM
No, it's not a problem at the
moment, at the moment it's just
fine.

HUTCHBACK
It's just fine.

DR. NOSTRUM
At some point it might become a
problem.

HUTCHBACK
Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM
But right now it's not. No. (long
pause) And anyway, I can suggest
that I actually do write, even
though it's not on TV.

HUTCHBACK
Well I can pretend I write as well.

DR. NOSTRUM
No, but I mean I do write, I just
don't write for TV. But then if you
have someone that writes for TV...

HUTCHBACK
Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM
...that covers that angle of it.

HUTCHBACK
Yeah, well I write as well, I just
don't get paid for it.

DR. NOSTRUM
No. (another long pause) No, i
don't think that's inherently a
problem.

HUTCHBACK
No, because with the right
attitude, you can get away with
anything...

DR. NOSTRUM
That's right, it's just content.

HUTCHBACK
...The right attitude, you can con
anyone.

DR. NOSTRUM
Hmm.

They arrive back at the Hutchback's dungeon... There are cars
waiting to park, hovering... One pinches a space right
outside the Dungeon. Hutchback has to go around the corner.

HUTCHBACK
Oh, don't tell me... You fucker!
Oh, you fuckers!

DR. NOSTRUM
Is that someone you know?

HUTCHBACK
No, But...

DR. NOSTRUM
But now you know that having parked
your car here if you don't keep an
eye out...

HUTCHBACK
Yeah now, as soon as that car goes,
I have to nip out and put my car in
it's place.

DR. NOSTRUM
That can be someting that happens.

HUTCHBACK
That is something that happens,
that is actually something I do.

DR. NOSTRUM
That's why the guy should be based
on you.

HUTCHBACK
My ongoing... (he gets out the
parked car) It's actually an
ongoing battle that the other guy
isn't even aware of.

DR. NOSTRUM
Yes.

HUTCHBACK
That's the pathetic-ness of it.
It's a lifelong struggle not only
against an enemy that doesn't know
you, but doesn't care.

They re-enter the dungeon to a clank of keys and locks.