(the Doctor and Hutchback are out in the world, looking for monkey wrenches and plotting their future successes)
DR. NOSTRUM
We have to go to Lakeland to get
Bunny grips.
HUTCHBACK
(pulling DR. NOSTRUM out
of the shop)
Thank you. Bye. (On the street
HUTCHBACK praises the DR.) See,
you're learning as well.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, they do seem to be reasonably
oblivious.
HUTCHBACK
They're completely oblivious, they
don't know what's going on! They
think we actually want to buy Bunny
Grips!
DR. NOSTRUM
You've got to go to Lakeland
HUTCHBACK
I don't even know what Lakeland is,
it's this mystical land...
DR. NOSTRUM
It's an oxymoron isn't it?
HUTCHBACK
Well, yes. Lake-land. Well, no, the
land around the lake is still
land...
DR. NOSTRUM
Lake-land.
HUTCHBACK
...and a lake is on land, so that's
fine. (triumphantly) You're wrong.
DR. NOSTRUM
What it is, I think... well, I've
been there and what it's become in
the wide world is a place that
people say you go to, to get things
when they don't know what they are.
HUTCHBACK
(imitating the
proletariat)
Yeah, 'it's alright - Lakeland'.
(Thinks) Now, that would actually
be quite good, a place that
literally, not metaphorically,
literally sold everything: You go
there, you ask for something and
they've got it.
DR. NOSTRUM
Argos
HUTCHBACK
No. Argos doesn't sell everything.
The Doctor isn't convinced.
HUTCHBACK (CONT'D)
No, it doesn't.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, there are 2 concepts: One is,
a shop that everyone tells you to
go to that doesn't exist, at all...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, Oh yeah...
DR. NOSTRUM
...but everyone says you've got to
go to.
HUTCHBACK
(more imitation)
"Where is it? Oh, it's by the
Archway" "Which Archway?" "The
Archway"
DR. NOSTRUM
Well that's what I wondered when he
was talking (the Ironmonger of the
previous episode), which archway
are you talking about?
HUTCHBACK
Well, one would assume he meant
Archway the place.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, well he didn't qualify it for
me.
HUTCHBACK
He did qualify it and then he
described a bit of it that wasn't
really Archway.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, I don't know if you can get a
Monkey Wrench or a Mole Grip there?
HUTCHBACK
Or Bunny Grip?
DR. NOSTRUM
Or a Bunny Grip. Failing that, I
was trying to think, is there
anything else? (Pause) Is there
anything else, there must be a
Parrot-something? Parrot...
Parrots's nose?
HUTCHBACK
Parrot...
They get in the Hutchback's motor-carriage and drive off.
DR. NOSTRUM
I can see where Sacha Cohen gets
his ideas from, I just don't know
how he keeps a straight face?
HUTCHBACK
Yes. That's his comedy. It's all
based around keeping a straight
face.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah
HUTCHBACK
Sure. There's nothing more to it.
No jokes, just keep a straight
face. (Beat) OK. I don't think I
really want to go to Archway.
DR. NOSTRUM
I'm sure there is somewhere else
you can get, er, what you're
looking for...
HUTCHBACK
I mean you can't park.
DR. NOSTRUM
...and it might as well be a place
you can park.
HUTCHBACK
Yes.
DR. NOSTRUM
(distracted)
That's good.
HUTCHBACK
What?
DR. NOSTRUM
(looking at a totally
nondescript family car)
That car.
HUTCHBACK
Why
DR. NOSTRUM
I liked it.
HUTCHBACK
Why is it a good car?
DR. NOSTRUM
It looked useful.
HUTCHBACK
(trying to move on)
Erm...
DR. NOSTRUM
It looked like...
HUTCHBACK
It looked like you could just drive
it...
DR. NOSTRUM
Like it would get the job done...
HUTCHBACK
...and it would just go.
DR. NOSTRUM
...you could put things in it.
HUTCHBACK
(still trying to move on)
Erm...
DR. NOSTRUM
...and it's a good shape. (Pause)
Why don't you just go to Bee and
Queue...
HUTCHBACK
Oh. Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
...If you just drive for 15 minutes
in any direction you're bound to...
HUTCHBACK
No, I know where there's a Bee and
Queue, I just didn't particularly
want to go there, but I think I'm
going to have to.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yes, cos at least at Bee and Queue
you know what you'll get.
HUTCHBACK
We know we'll get treated like
shit! Yes.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, but you'll get... You don't get
treated at all, do you, you just
get what you want. You go in there
and you help yourself to what you
want. A little bit of what you
want...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, but then we don't get any
amusing interactions with the
locals.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, but er, I... It's not what I...
came out for.
HUTCHBACK
Ah, well you see.
DR. NOSTRUM
...it's alright, I enjoy the
diversion, but at the end of the
day, er, we've got to do some
work...
HUTCHBACK
This is work!
DR. NOSTRUM
...and... well, it is work, but
there's more work, which I no doubt
am going to have to do, which is
converting it for the masses, so
you know... that's one of the
things...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
So it's all very enjoyable, you put
it away, you lock it away in a
little space, I e-mail it to you
and you can just... delete it, and
we'll forget all about it.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. (Beat - back to the shopping)
They'll have Jim, er, I mean
they'll have Jar...
HUTCHBACK
Jim-Jar. I've got a Jim-Jar.
DR. NOSTRUM
(adamantly, looking at the
shops they are driving
past)
One of these places will sell...
HUTCHBACK
They won't sell...
DR. NOSTRUM
I'm sure...
HUTCHBACK
They won't sell Monkey Wrenches.
DR. NOSTRUM
There was a place here that had an
ironing board outside it once.
HUTCHBACK
That's not enough. OK, so let's
focus then...
DR. NOSTRUM
(The as yet unwritten TV
show on his mind)
No! I'm focusing... It's just
something I was thinking having
driven along this road, at some
point, I like the idea of the
place, L.A. New York, wherever, can
also be a place where you have
things that don't... you know, like
a body being wheeled down the road
on a gurney by a nurse.
HUTCHBACK
OK. That probably doesn't happen...
DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, no, no. But it doesn't
happen... (sarcasm) Like it happens
a lot here? You know, so, er.
HUTCHBACK
It's more likely I would think...
Well, no, I suppose. "Body On
Gurney"
DR. NOSTRUM
Well it was under a cloth, so it
might not have been a body, but,
nevertheless... and it wasn't a
comedy medical student run, it was
just some bloke, you know.
HUTCHBACK
Unlikely that it's "some bloke"
pushing a dead body... You didn't
think to, like, stop him and ask
him what he was doing or anything?
DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, why would I?
HUTCHBACK
(sarcastically)
Well, you know... why would you?
It's just a dead body.
DR. NOSTRUM
Um...
HUTCHBACK
There was a bloke carrying a large
sack with what looked like a body
in it...
DR. NOSTRUM
Well you wouldn't stop him and ask
him what he was doing, would you?
Really?
HUTCHBACK
Probably not. You'd probably call
the police.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yes.
HUTCHBACK
Erm, I wonder if people... That
would be quite a good experiment
wouldn't it?
DR. NOSTRUM
Just walk around with a big bag...
HUTCHBACK
Walk around with a big bag with
legs sticking out of it.
DR. NOSTRUM
And an arm. Actually I did see...
you remember er, (silence)
HUTCHBACK
Yeah?
DR. NOSTRUM
What was that? Something, Portrait
Of A Serial Killer name. Mike, or
whatever it was, it wasn't...
HUTCHBACK
Henry
DR. NOSTRUM
Henry, yes. So, er, there was, when
I was driving along, er, one of the
freeways in Nashville, there was
actually a bloke on the side of the
freeway with an enormous bag over
his shoulder, you know, literally a
huge bag, and he just put it down
and got in his car and drove off.
Don't know what he was doing,
but...
HUTCHBACK
Probably didn't have a dead body in
it.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, it was probably just junk,
but, you know...
HUTCHBACK
OK. So let's focus now.
DR. NOSTRUM
(back to the 'TV show')
So it can start with a guy just
looking out his window, saying
something like "They're all cunts
out there."
HUTCHBACK
(acting)
"They're all cunts out there!" Ah,
and it's the van, the Blue Van.
DR. NOSTRUM
Or, you know, you just open the
window, you know "What a cunt."
That's all
HUTCHBACK
So maybe... I don;t even think he
should live in L.A.
DR. NOSTRUM
Why?
Hutchback makes a face as if it were an unlikely scenario to
imagine.
DR. NOSTRUM (CONT'D)
Why? Why can't there be a place in
L.A you can do that? It's not
beyond the realm of possibility
that there is a street in L.A. you
can look out and there's something
parked outside on your street? That
can happen.
HUTCHBACK
OK, you know what?
DR. NOSTRUM
What?
HUTCHBACK
OK, so the reality... OK, it
doesn't matter, because it's not
the fact that you can't park, it's
the fact that it's in front of his
house that bother's him.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yes! It's the fact that it's in
front of his house, that's...
HUTCHBACK
That's what annoyed me. It wasn't
the fact that I couldn't park on
the road...
DR. NOSTRUM
No, I know that...
HUTCHBACK
Yes...
DR. NOSTRUM
...I know that...
HUTCHBACK
No, I'm just clarifying it for
myself.
DR. NOSTRUM
Clarifying your own life for
yourself.
HUTCHBACK
Clarifying my own life for myself.
That's why this character, i.e.
me...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yes, you do this character mostly,
it seems to be easier to base it on
things that happen to you, why not?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
OK?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
Whereas the other character...
HUTCHBACK
But the guy in the Mental Asylum...
DR. NOSTRUM
...can be me.
HUTCHBACK
(highly amused)
...is much more likely to be you.
DR. NOSTRUM
Me. Alright, so that's fine, I'm
quite happy to split it like that.
And our other writer, Rat, can base
his experiences on someone who
knows what they're doing.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
Like Green.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
So that seems a good split.
HUTCHBACK
Right.
DR. NOSTRUM
Plus the fact that whatshername,
who we should involve, is actually
in TV, which is great help
considering it's about TV.
HUTCHBACK
Oh, yeah, that's a good idea.
DR. NOSTRUM
You know, so... and, when you came
up with Green, she knows John
Frankenheimer, who this,
apparently, this is exactly what's
been happening to him... Is that he
was once this very serious... and
then no-one...
HUTCHBACK
He still makes films.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well he does, but no-one would give
him a job for years, he went
through this enormous crash where
he couldn't get a job, so...
HUTCHBACK
And he was doing MTV Base.
DR. NOSTRUM
So, she thought...
HUTCHBACK
(laughing)
Directing MTV
DR. NOSTRUM
So she thought you could base it on
him, cos she knows, you know, him,
personally and she knows his story
very well, so, it all, kind of,
gelled, you know?
HUTCHBACK
So, in other words, "We have some
momentum."
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, no, not really.
HUTCHBACK
No.
DR. NOSTRUM
I've had momentum before and this
isn't it.
Thursday, 23 September 2010
Thursday, 29 July 2010
Drowned in Laze
A Tennessee summer in Nashville after a winter and floods unheard of in living memory and now the slow ooze of slippery heat leeches the will to stay sharp from The Doctor's Mind. Mrs. Doctor has been unable to suffer the stupidity by osmosis that is The South since we landed here, but your good Doctor has been faithfully fighting it off in an effort to be relevant to the modern world.
But it is relentless, the will in America to be bigger and cheaper, the rush to go backwards, as if they have left something worthwhile behind. There's a lot of room for comment and satire, but satire that is over the heads of those you satirize is a good way to get a punch on the nose for your smart ass opinions.
How do we drag the great white fat population with us when they need dragging? The Doctor and Hutchback are busy creating satirical Kargyraa, three voices at once. A big bass note of dumb, a winding middle voice of reality and a shrill top note of insanity.
But it is relentless, the will in America to be bigger and cheaper, the rush to go backwards, as if they have left something worthwhile behind. There's a lot of room for comment and satire, but satire that is over the heads of those you satirize is a good way to get a punch on the nose for your smart ass opinions.
How do we drag the great white fat population with us when they need dragging? The Doctor and Hutchback are busy creating satirical Kargyraa, three voices at once. A big bass note of dumb, a winding middle voice of reality and a shrill top note of insanity.
The Dark Night - Inception and Bloat
So, another film from Christopher Nolan. A Blockbuster with the big cheeses and fresh new cheeses and one particularly old over-ripe cheese. I heard before going that everyone wanted to work with him and after The Dark Knight he could probably have made any film he wanted. He did. I don't know who else would have wanted to make it. Unnecessary layers and levels that would have had the crickets rubbing their legs in joyous despair had it been a Shyamalan film. I went as deep as the snow filled layer before being overwhelmed by the pointlessness of it all.
The idea works, in his childhood the Doctor read a sci-fi novel where there were murders in dreams, and it needed two people to enter the dreamscape, both dreaming at the same time. Damned if I can remember the title of it. Anyway, this film is as bloated as Tom Berenger, who proudly joins the ranks of smoothly expanding former leading men, pioneered in the modern age by William Shatner (with James Spader doing his best to look like his son). Presumably this look is required to stay in the secret society formed by Orson Wells.
The idea works, in his childhood the Doctor read a sci-fi novel where there were murders in dreams, and it needed two people to enter the dreamscape, both dreaming at the same time. Damned if I can remember the title of it. Anyway, this film is as bloated as Tom Berenger, who proudly joins the ranks of smoothly expanding former leading men, pioneered in the modern age by William Shatner (with James Spader doing his best to look like his son). Presumably this look is required to stay in the secret society formed by Orson Wells.
Sunday, 12 April 2009
Oh what a lovely move I've made
The Dr is now resident in a castle in the cloud above Nashville having been thoroughly devoured in London. There's been no time for sentiment or sentiments, but I have been looking at tweeting; you know, "I'm on the toilet" or "I'm picking my nose" or maybe both at once if you're lucky. See you there dear robots.
Monday, 9 February 2009
2009 Predictions Part 5 - Bankers' Prison Island
The Hutchback is not normally an angry man. Yes, he performs hideous acts of barbarism on a daily basis, but these are not done out of anger, merely boredom.
(off topic: yes that was a reference to the Golden Dawn on tonight's Eastenders, what next Aleister Crowley turns up and sacrifices Minty to the god Horus).
These Bankers (or as we should refer to them Banksters) are set fair for a good few billion in bonuses. This is surely the equivalent of giving a mugger a tip after he has kneed you in the testicles and stolen your watch, wallet, and mobile phone.
So my prediction is that by the end of the year the world community will have set up prison islands in the South Atlantic, and we will ship the whole festering lot of them off to these desolate windblown frozen hellholes.
They can then sub-prime eachother to their hearts content.
(off topic: yes that was a reference to the Golden Dawn on tonight's Eastenders, what next Aleister Crowley turns up and sacrifices Minty to the god Horus).
These Bankers (or as we should refer to them Banksters) are set fair for a good few billion in bonuses. This is surely the equivalent of giving a mugger a tip after he has kneed you in the testicles and stolen your watch, wallet, and mobile phone.
So my prediction is that by the end of the year the world community will have set up prison islands in the South Atlantic, and we will ship the whole festering lot of them off to these desolate windblown frozen hellholes.
They can then sub-prime eachother to their hearts content.
Sunday, 8 February 2009
All Talk 59 - Animals in Hardware
(they’re now walking down the street to the tool shop)
HUTCHBACK
Ok, so, here. She told me I can’t go in here. No. I need to buy a.. I need to buy a.. What does she want?
DR. NOSTRUM
Who?
HUTCHBACK
She. The wife. (mocking) Who? Who’s she? She wants to get some kind of.. oh, fuck, some kind of jar.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, you can always ask in the shop. “I’d like some kind of jar.”
HUTCHBACK
A jar to put something into, but I can’t remember what, because...
DR. NOSTRUM
Flowers?
HUTCHBACK
No, cause we’ve already flour.. no, n, no, no, no, we’ve got a flour.. I need.. I said I’d buy her a cake tin, (pause) but she also wanted a jar.
DR. NOSTRUM
Pickles?
HUTCHBACK
No, to put stuff into.
DR. NOSTRUM
Get her a Mason jar.
HUTCHBACK
Well, yeah, I know, we’ve bought loads of them, but I don’t know what size to get if I don’t know what’s going in it, do I? I mean I might buy this small one and she goes “NO!” or, I might get a huge one and...
DR. NOSTRUM
(imitating) “NO!”
HUTCHBACK
...and it’s just for nuts.
(they walk a little further to the ironmonger, it’s an old fashioned shop with a sparse selection of tools in packs hanging on pegs on the wall – HUTCHBACK points to a lonely tool high up, out of reach)
Ah, you see, look, there it is! That’s just what I want!
DR. NOSTRUM
But do you want that, or do you want that?
HUTCHBACK
Huh?
DR. NOSTRUM
Those. The water pump pliers?
HUTCHBACK
Oh.
DR. NOSTRUM
More secure. Too big maybe, but if you get a smaller version of that, they’re better than those.
HUTCHBACK
And cheaper.
DR. NOSTRUM
Are they? Then they’re probably worse.
HUTCHBACK
No, cause those (his first choice) slip.
DR. NOSTRUM
But they don’t look like they’ve got them, so..
HUTCHBACK
You know what, I don’t think that’s going to work because it’s round. I need something that clamps. I need a monkey wrench!
DR. NOSTRUM
No, you just need an adjustable, er..
HUTCHBACK
I need a monkey wrench, yeah, the one that you can clip together.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well.. where did that come from, when do monkey’s..?
HUTCHBACK
I don’t know where it came from but it’s called a monkey wrench.
DR. NOSTRUM
Are you sure?
HUTCHBACK
Yes. It’s definitely called a monkey wrench. You know, cause monkey’s are very.. they’ve got flexible tails, haven’t they? They’re very pre-hensile.
DR. NOSTRUM
I’m not sure that’s what they are.
HUTCHBACK
Well shall I ask him for a monkey wrench and see what he brings out?
DR. NOSTRUM
What kind of monkey?
HUTCHBACK
(scouring the display) He doesn’t have a monkey wrench.
DR. NOSTRUM
A Rhesus monkey? An orangutan? That’s an ape.
(They move to the counter, where there’s a customer being served)
HUTCHBACK
Well, if it’s not up there he’s not going to have one is he? How about just getting those large pair of secuters?
DR. NOSTRUM
I’ve bought a few of those.
HUTCHBACK
Or an axe?
DR. NOSTRUM
Yep, I’ve bought an axe. I’ve bought most of the things on this wall actually.
HUTCHBACK
You could basically.. I mean, this is where serial killers come isn’t it?
DR. NOSTRUM
They could get better tools than this.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, but they wouldn’t go to a big store cos then they might be on cctv, they’d come to a small shop like this.
DR. NOSTRUM
You think?
HUTCHBACK
Yep. Hacksaw, axe, secuters. That’s all you need. (beat – The Ironmoger finishes with his suspiciously serial killer like customer and is ready for HUTCHBACK, who speaks very slowly fearing the man is of poor education) Do you have a monkey wrench?
IRONMONGER
Yes
HUTCHBACK
You do?
IRONMONGER
Yes.
HUTCHBACK
Is it what I think it is though? I’m asking for something and I don’t actually know if it’s the right thing.
IRONMONGER
Right.
HUTCHBACK
I need something to clamp onto a round.. thing.. to, like, er... (mimes clamping a wrench)
IRONMONGER
Yes.
HUTCHBACK
...to turn.
IRONMONGER
Okey-doke, I’ll pull out something from the back (he scuttles off)
HUTCHBACK
(to the DR.) See?
DR. NOSTRUM
Let’s see what he brings out.
HUTCHBACK
He’ll bring out a monkey holding a wrench.
DR. NOSTRUM
Maybe. Maybe that’s what it is.
HUTCHBACK
They are called monkey wrenches, I’m sure that’s what it is. Thing is, I’m buying this for a very specific purpose, will I ever need it again?
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, they’re very useful.
HUTCHBACK
You don’t even know what it is!
DR. NOSTRUM
No, but I know a clamping wrench is very useful. For all sorts of things.
HUTCHBACK
Mainly clamping type activities. Anything here take your fancy?
(the IRONMONGER returns)
IRONMONGER
Is that what you want?
HUTCHBACK
That is what I want! I don’t know if it’s big enough though, um, let me have a look. Ooh. How wide does it open? (the IRONMONGER shows him)
DR. NOSTRUM
No, it’s not big enough.
IRONMONGER
No, I’ll see if I’ve got bigger ones.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah
DR. NOSTRUM
(to IRONMONGER) Why are they called monkey wrenches?
HUTCHBACK
No one knows.
IRONMONGER
Well, these are mole grips actually. I mean.. yes...
HUTCHBACK
Oh, are they called mole grips? Well, Mole Grips!
IRONMONGER
...I think monkey wrenches are the waterproof ones.
HUTCHBACK
Oh, right.
IRONMONGER
I sell these all the time, I got 2 or 3 types. (he disappears again)
DR. NOSTRUM
That’s the logic behind it.
HUTCHBACK
Well, monkeys are more waterproof, typically, than moles.
DR. NOSTRUM
I don’t know.
HUTCHBACK
No, they would be! Moles and water don’t go together at all.
DR. NOSTRUM
A monkey wrench and mole grips. A parrot..?
HUTCHBACK
Parrot claw?
(a call comes from the back)
IRONMONGER
That’s the biggest one we’ve got at the moment.
HUTCHBACK
Oh. Ok.
IRONMONGER
Are there any hanging up?
HUTCHBACK
No, you’ve just got, um, normal, er wotsits. Alright then.
IRONMONGER
Sorry
HUTCHBACK
Alright, no worries.
IRONMONGER
Er, Thomas Brothers at the Archway, where the roundabout after Suicide Bridge is, try them.
HUTCHBACK
Alright then, thank you. (they leave and walk off at pace back towards the car) See!
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, I’m wracking my brain now, I’m trying to think what other implements there are.
Saturday, 7 February 2009
All Talk 58 - Shopping at Warmongers via Will Self
SOME MONTHS PASS...
DR. NOSTRUM and HUTCHBACK have taken a break to write the second draft of their meisterwerk CELEBRITY AUSCHWITZ, but more of that later... As we drop in, The DR. is telling HUTCHBACK of a radio station he picked up by accident but could only find in an extremely small area of North London. It may have been Will Self on his CB.
HUTCHBACK
Is it aimed purely at Jews?
DR. NOSTRUM
I don’t know, I don’t think so.
HUTCHBACK
You could only pick it up between Swiss Cottage and Golders Green; The Hampstead, Swiss Cottage, Golders Green golden Jewish triangle.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, but I mean I tried to find it later, but all I could find was dance music.
HUTCHBACK
Well, search for it, search for it.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, maybe..
HUTCHBACK
Are you sure it was Will Self?
DR. NOSTRUM
No I'm not sure it's Will Self, but he was talking about.. and then..
HUTCHBACK
I mean there can’t be that many people that sound like Will Self.
DR. NOSTRUM
No… and that's what I thought and also.. also it was the manner of the speaking.. he was talking about (puts on Will Self voice and starts misquoting) "the Great Emblotchment of the 1920's was a scandal that reached worldwide" and then went on to tell a 10 minute story about the Great Emblotchment about how "and Emblotchment spread throughout the Universe and thus we all became Emblotched, it was started accidentally by William Pitt the Elder.”
HUTCHBACK
Ah
DR. NOSTRUM
It just seemed to be, er, (pause) him.
HUTCHBACK
Or someone pretending to be him.
DR. NOSTRUM
Someone pretending to be him. Which seems pointless
HUTCHBACK
Why pretend to be Will Self when you could pretend to be, you know, George Bush Senior?
DR. NOSTRUM
Are you recording?
HUTCHBACK
Yes, I’m recording. This is a recording.
(They leave the HUTCHBACK's lair, the hated Blue Van is parked just down the street a little)
HUTCHBACK
You see I’m so paranoid now about the Blue Van that I get nervous when I think, ‘Well, how long am I going for?’
DR. NOSTRUM
Thinking he’s going to move it back in.
HUTCHBACK
‘Will he be looking out of his window...
DR. NOSTRUM
Waiting for you.
HUTCHBACK
...waiting for his moment so he can reverse into my space and break down again. The cunt. The Great Emblotchment.
(They get onto the HUTCHBACK's Trap, the search for tools has begun)
HUTCHBACK
Should I go to a Corporate Megastore..
DR. NOSTRUM
No! It doesn’t matter, anywhere.
HUTCHBACK
No, no, I’m not asking you...
DR. NOSTRUM
Ok.
HUTCHBACK
...I’m debating it out loud...
DR. NOSTRUM
Well...
HUTCHBACK
...deciding whether to give my money to a Corporate Megastore..
DR. NOSTRUM
...don’t debate it out loud, just debate it internally and turn up somewhere.
HUTCHBACK
No, well, either I go left or.. oh, I’m going straight on. cos now this is more of a random drive, than an actual focused..
DR. NOSTRUM
What, are you just going to drive until you see a Bee and queue?
HUTCHBACK
No, no, I know where the Bee and Queue is..
DR. NOSTRUM
Well there’s one every 600 yards.
HUTCHBACK
Particularly on this stretch of road. No. You know what, I’m being an idiot there is a Tool shop just down the road.
DR. NOSTRUM
So you go in there and say “I need a tool.”
HUTCHBACK
I need a tool, can you help me? I’m missing a tool.
DR. NOSTRUM
And he brings out a row of, er, characters, from the back of the shop. (pause) So what..
HUTCHBACK
Along with one slightly, slightly used penis.
DR. NOSTRUM
What is the..
HUTCHBACK
Oh, that was quite good.. Oh, sorry, go on.
DR. NOSTRUM
What will this tool be used for?
HUTCHBACK
I just want a tool.
DR. NOSTRUM
That will both butter my toast and unscrew a light bulb.
HUTCHBACK
And make my wife love me, again. (pause) See, now I’ve forgotten what I was going to say, you see, that’s the problem.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, it’s not a problem, cos if it’s good enough it’ll come back.
HUTCHBACK
No, it isn’t good enough, it’s actually something I wanted to say.
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh (pause) something about tools? Something about a tool that you need?
HUTCHBACK
No. If I’d have interrupted your interruption I’d have been alright.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, but it can’t have been.. Nothing is important. (pause) Really.
HUTCHBACK
In the great words of Freddie Mercury.
DR. NOSTRUM
Is that what he said?
HUTCHBACK
(a near miss whilst driving) Ooooh!
DR. NOSTRUM
D’you ever have that opinion that Talk radio is just a lot of people’s opinions about stuff.
HUTCHBACK
I don’t think that’s so much an opinion as a statement of fact.
DR. NOSTRUM
It just seems that when I think about how they promote themselves and then they’ve got all these programmes relentlessly on where people call in and tell you what they think about things. It’s just, all they are is just a series of people calling up and telling you what they think about things, it’s just a waste of time.
HUTCHBACK
Mm.
DR. NOSTRUM
It’s really pointless. I mean the idea of broadcasting that... as if people calling you up and telling you what they’re thinking is worth broadcasting to the nation...
HUTCHBACK
It’s a public service.
DR. NOSTRUM
...It’s a crazy idea.
HUTCHBACK
It’s a public service.
DR. NOSTRUM
It seems that the chief quality required by the DJ is the ability to say, “I just need to hurry you up there.” (pause) Um, this is where I was driving down where I saw a guy wheeling a gurney with a body on it...
HUTCHBACK
Really
DR. NOSTRUM
...under a sheet, yeah.
HUTCHBACK
See, there you go, ‘Local Ironmongers’. You don’t see Ironmongers much anymore, do you?
DR. NOSTRUM
I don’t know how you monger iron anyway.
HUTCHBACK
(irate member of the public voice) “Stop mongering that iron, yer bastard! Didn’t anyone tell you it was rude?”
DR. NOSTRUM
I wonder what the difference between mongering iron and fish is? Not much.
HUTCHBACK
Yep
DR. NOSTRUM
It’s all in the display.
HUTCHBACK
(musing) Mongering.
DR. NOSTRUM
There aren’t many mongers. It’s not.. There’s no.. there’s no Greenmonger...
HUTCHBACK
Well no, but the.. the...
DR. NOSTRUM
They’re grocers.
HUTCHBACK
But then what does a Warmonger do?
DR. NOSTRUM
He lays all the wars out...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, puts out a nice bit of green baize, sort of a green artificial grass, erm, price’s it up, and um, and then you get, you get your...
DR. NOSTRUM
Dictators coming in buying ‘em up.
HUTCHBACK
And then you buy it by the pound.
DR. NOSTRUM
“How much is your 1914-18?”
HUTCHBACK
“How much is the, um, Crimea? Nice bit of Crimea.”
DR. NOSTRUM and HUTCHBACK have taken a break to write the second draft of their meisterwerk CELEBRITY AUSCHWITZ, but more of that later... As we drop in, The DR. is telling HUTCHBACK of a radio station he picked up by accident but could only find in an extremely small area of North London. It may have been Will Self on his CB.
HUTCHBACK
Is it aimed purely at Jews?
DR. NOSTRUM
I don’t know, I don’t think so.
HUTCHBACK
You could only pick it up between Swiss Cottage and Golders Green; The Hampstead, Swiss Cottage, Golders Green golden Jewish triangle.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, but I mean I tried to find it later, but all I could find was dance music.
HUTCHBACK
Well, search for it, search for it.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, maybe..
HUTCHBACK
Are you sure it was Will Self?
DR. NOSTRUM
No I'm not sure it's Will Self, but he was talking about.. and then..
HUTCHBACK
I mean there can’t be that many people that sound like Will Self.
DR. NOSTRUM
No… and that's what I thought and also.. also it was the manner of the speaking.. he was talking about (puts on Will Self voice and starts misquoting) "the Great Emblotchment of the 1920's was a scandal that reached worldwide" and then went on to tell a 10 minute story about the Great Emblotchment about how "and Emblotchment spread throughout the Universe and thus we all became Emblotched, it was started accidentally by William Pitt the Elder.”
HUTCHBACK
Ah
DR. NOSTRUM
It just seemed to be, er, (pause) him.
HUTCHBACK
Or someone pretending to be him.
DR. NOSTRUM
Someone pretending to be him. Which seems pointless
HUTCHBACK
Why pretend to be Will Self when you could pretend to be, you know, George Bush Senior?
DR. NOSTRUM
Are you recording?
HUTCHBACK
Yes, I’m recording. This is a recording.
(They leave the HUTCHBACK's lair, the hated Blue Van is parked just down the street a little)
HUTCHBACK
You see I’m so paranoid now about the Blue Van that I get nervous when I think, ‘Well, how long am I going for?’
DR. NOSTRUM
Thinking he’s going to move it back in.
HUTCHBACK
‘Will he be looking out of his window...
DR. NOSTRUM
Waiting for you.
HUTCHBACK
...waiting for his moment so he can reverse into my space and break down again. The cunt. The Great Emblotchment.
(They get onto the HUTCHBACK's Trap, the search for tools has begun)
HUTCHBACK
Should I go to a Corporate Megastore..
DR. NOSTRUM
No! It doesn’t matter, anywhere.
HUTCHBACK
No, no, I’m not asking you...
DR. NOSTRUM
Ok.
HUTCHBACK
...I’m debating it out loud...
DR. NOSTRUM
Well...
HUTCHBACK
...deciding whether to give my money to a Corporate Megastore..
DR. NOSTRUM
...don’t debate it out loud, just debate it internally and turn up somewhere.
HUTCHBACK
No, well, either I go left or.. oh, I’m going straight on. cos now this is more of a random drive, than an actual focused..
DR. NOSTRUM
What, are you just going to drive until you see a Bee and queue?
HUTCHBACK
No, no, I know where the Bee and Queue is..
DR. NOSTRUM
Well there’s one every 600 yards.
HUTCHBACK
Particularly on this stretch of road. No. You know what, I’m being an idiot there is a Tool shop just down the road.
DR. NOSTRUM
So you go in there and say “I need a tool.”
HUTCHBACK
I need a tool, can you help me? I’m missing a tool.
DR. NOSTRUM
And he brings out a row of, er, characters, from the back of the shop. (pause) So what..
HUTCHBACK
Along with one slightly, slightly used penis.
DR. NOSTRUM
What is the..
HUTCHBACK
Oh, that was quite good.. Oh, sorry, go on.
DR. NOSTRUM
What will this tool be used for?
HUTCHBACK
I just want a tool.
DR. NOSTRUM
That will both butter my toast and unscrew a light bulb.
HUTCHBACK
And make my wife love me, again. (pause) See, now I’ve forgotten what I was going to say, you see, that’s the problem.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, it’s not a problem, cos if it’s good enough it’ll come back.
HUTCHBACK
No, it isn’t good enough, it’s actually something I wanted to say.
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh (pause) something about tools? Something about a tool that you need?
HUTCHBACK
No. If I’d have interrupted your interruption I’d have been alright.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, but it can’t have been.. Nothing is important. (pause) Really.
HUTCHBACK
In the great words of Freddie Mercury.
DR. NOSTRUM
Is that what he said?
HUTCHBACK
(a near miss whilst driving) Ooooh!
DR. NOSTRUM
D’you ever have that opinion that Talk radio is just a lot of people’s opinions about stuff.
HUTCHBACK
I don’t think that’s so much an opinion as a statement of fact.
DR. NOSTRUM
It just seems that when I think about how they promote themselves and then they’ve got all these programmes relentlessly on where people call in and tell you what they think about things. It’s just, all they are is just a series of people calling up and telling you what they think about things, it’s just a waste of time.
HUTCHBACK
Mm.
DR. NOSTRUM
It’s really pointless. I mean the idea of broadcasting that... as if people calling you up and telling you what they’re thinking is worth broadcasting to the nation...
HUTCHBACK
It’s a public service.
DR. NOSTRUM
...It’s a crazy idea.
HUTCHBACK
It’s a public service.
DR. NOSTRUM
It seems that the chief quality required by the DJ is the ability to say, “I just need to hurry you up there.” (pause) Um, this is where I was driving down where I saw a guy wheeling a gurney with a body on it...
HUTCHBACK
Really
DR. NOSTRUM
...under a sheet, yeah.
HUTCHBACK
See, there you go, ‘Local Ironmongers’. You don’t see Ironmongers much anymore, do you?
DR. NOSTRUM
I don’t know how you monger iron anyway.
HUTCHBACK
(irate member of the public voice) “Stop mongering that iron, yer bastard! Didn’t anyone tell you it was rude?”
DR. NOSTRUM
I wonder what the difference between mongering iron and fish is? Not much.
HUTCHBACK
Yep
DR. NOSTRUM
It’s all in the display.
HUTCHBACK
(musing) Mongering.
DR. NOSTRUM
There aren’t many mongers. It’s not.. There’s no.. there’s no Greenmonger...
HUTCHBACK
Well no, but the.. the...
DR. NOSTRUM
They’re grocers.
HUTCHBACK
But then what does a Warmonger do?
DR. NOSTRUM
He lays all the wars out...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, puts out a nice bit of green baize, sort of a green artificial grass, erm, price’s it up, and um, and then you get, you get your...
DR. NOSTRUM
Dictators coming in buying ‘em up.
HUTCHBACK
And then you buy it by the pound.
DR. NOSTRUM
“How much is your 1914-18?”
HUTCHBACK
“How much is the, um, Crimea? Nice bit of Crimea.”
Friday, 6 February 2009
Love in the time of Diarrhoea
You may wonder where your loyal humpback has been these past weeks. Let’s put it this way, you know what an admirer of Joseph Fritzl’s work the Dr is, well he calls it a re-enactment, I call it unfair working conditions. But we are expecting our first child in 13 months time (the Hutchback biology is somewhat unique) so some good has come of it.
Now when we last spoke I mentioned the fact that I had met a French jolie dame and was in love. I feel now is the time to expand on this. As you know I spent a hectic few days in a rather odd French town, I believe the locals referred to it as Seule. And the dialect of French they spoke was incomprehensible to these cauliflower ears. My last night was rather incident packed and now I can recount the tale.
Having spent the day with a gurgling bowel from my strange breakfast of gristly soup (with added dog collar) РI was in need of some kind of assistance. I wandered the frantic streets and alleyways, the whole town seemed to be out and I had to dodge many a careening Frenchman. I at last found some peace in a side street that looked empty except for one small caf̩.
I include the picture here for elucidation. It was a jolly enough place and I thought that a coffee would calm my intestinal torment. The French make a good coffee and as you can see from the photograph the two Frenchmen (or is one a ventriloquist and the other a dummy, can’t quite make out) appear to be enjoying a cup of their national drink.
So I entered and sat down. The café was empty except for a very old and frail lady who stooped at the counter with a damp cloth. Eventually she noticed me and came over. Now as you know my attempts to converse in French had so far been quite futile. I must have really forgotten so much as to be incomprehensible. Mr Wilson the erudite owner of the travelling freak show where I spent my formative years would have been so disappointed with my decline in linguistic skills he would have loudly tutted, then he would have lashed me to within an inch of my life and thrown me into a pit.
I tried to ask her for something calming for my poor gut, but she didn’t understand. So sign language would have to do. I mimed drinking a cup and grimacing and rubbing my stomach. She looked at me sadly through rheumy eyes and said nothing, I then stood up and mimed (convincingly) a man in desperate need of a shit. Something seemed to click and the ancient barrista uttered a few garbled words of English. “You wan spesho bowl coffee?”. Bowl coffee, Bowel coffee, hmm sounded just what I needed.
The kindly old lady moved away towards the back of the shop and then for some reason beckoned me over to the shabby curtain that barred entry to the back room. I assumed this was the room where the Bowel Coffee was served.
I followed her inside and saw a bed covered in a plastic sheet in the middle of the room. Most odd. Then the oddness increased by a factor. The wizened crone said something remarkable: “Drop your tlousa, prease” Incredible, what was this – a come on – how marvelous.
Now you may wonder about Mrs H, and where my heart lay. Well I refer to Mrs H as my wife but she is not really my wife, in fact she hardly knows me. You would more accurately describe her as being vaguely aware of me as an unspecified sense of dread that accompanies her when she walks home. We have never actually met, but this is purely circumstantial for she will at some point come within grabbing distance of the laurel bush where I lie in wait for her every evening.
Anyway though I love Mrs H the offer of a night of torrid (though rather dry) passion with the old coffee lady seemed a wonderful prospect. I dropped my pants and unwrapped the old newspapers that I use as underwear. The lady then made me lie face down on the plastic wrapped bed. What delights lay ahead. I close my eyes and waited for the hand of pleasure to be applied to by crumpled body.
Aargh, my poor piles. She had shoved some kind of pipe right up my arsehole. She liked it rough clearly. I opened my eyes to see what was happening back there just in time to see her pour the entire contents of the coffee urn into a funnel which was attached to the tube which had been mainlined straight into my rectum. Now I’ve heard of this type of things before, but I believe it is more normal to use cold coffee in this process. As I passed out from the pain I caught a glimpse of my new love as she went back in the front room no doubt to fetch a freshly boiled refill.
Now when we last spoke I mentioned the fact that I had met a French jolie dame and was in love. I feel now is the time to expand on this. As you know I spent a hectic few days in a rather odd French town, I believe the locals referred to it as Seule. And the dialect of French they spoke was incomprehensible to these cauliflower ears. My last night was rather incident packed and now I can recount the tale.
Having spent the day with a gurgling bowel from my strange breakfast of gristly soup (with added dog collar) РI was in need of some kind of assistance. I wandered the frantic streets and alleyways, the whole town seemed to be out and I had to dodge many a careening Frenchman. I at last found some peace in a side street that looked empty except for one small caf̩.
I include the picture here for elucidation. It was a jolly enough place and I thought that a coffee would calm my intestinal torment. The French make a good coffee and as you can see from the photograph the two Frenchmen (or is one a ventriloquist and the other a dummy, can’t quite make out) appear to be enjoying a cup of their national drink.
So I entered and sat down. The café was empty except for a very old and frail lady who stooped at the counter with a damp cloth. Eventually she noticed me and came over. Now as you know my attempts to converse in French had so far been quite futile. I must have really forgotten so much as to be incomprehensible. Mr Wilson the erudite owner of the travelling freak show where I spent my formative years would have been so disappointed with my decline in linguistic skills he would have loudly tutted, then he would have lashed me to within an inch of my life and thrown me into a pit.
I tried to ask her for something calming for my poor gut, but she didn’t understand. So sign language would have to do. I mimed drinking a cup and grimacing and rubbing my stomach. She looked at me sadly through rheumy eyes and said nothing, I then stood up and mimed (convincingly) a man in desperate need of a shit. Something seemed to click and the ancient barrista uttered a few garbled words of English. “You wan spesho bowl coffee?”. Bowl coffee, Bowel coffee, hmm sounded just what I needed.
The kindly old lady moved away towards the back of the shop and then for some reason beckoned me over to the shabby curtain that barred entry to the back room. I assumed this was the room where the Bowel Coffee was served.
I followed her inside and saw a bed covered in a plastic sheet in the middle of the room. Most odd. Then the oddness increased by a factor. The wizened crone said something remarkable: “Drop your tlousa, prease” Incredible, what was this – a come on – how marvelous.
Now you may wonder about Mrs H, and where my heart lay. Well I refer to Mrs H as my wife but she is not really my wife, in fact she hardly knows me. You would more accurately describe her as being vaguely aware of me as an unspecified sense of dread that accompanies her when she walks home. We have never actually met, but this is purely circumstantial for she will at some point come within grabbing distance of the laurel bush where I lie in wait for her every evening.
Anyway though I love Mrs H the offer of a night of torrid (though rather dry) passion with the old coffee lady seemed a wonderful prospect. I dropped my pants and unwrapped the old newspapers that I use as underwear. The lady then made me lie face down on the plastic wrapped bed. What delights lay ahead. I close my eyes and waited for the hand of pleasure to be applied to by crumpled body.
Aargh, my poor piles. She had shoved some kind of pipe right up my arsehole. She liked it rough clearly. I opened my eyes to see what was happening back there just in time to see her pour the entire contents of the coffee urn into a funnel which was attached to the tube which had been mainlined straight into my rectum. Now I’ve heard of this type of things before, but I believe it is more normal to use cold coffee in this process. As I passed out from the pain I caught a glimpse of my new love as she went back in the front room no doubt to fetch a freshly boiled refill.
Thursday, 5 February 2009
Paris Hilton - Fast Food Fame
Paris's BBF, yet more aspirants munching on the quim of celebrity.
It's pretty much beyond reviewing to any purpose as a television show; Paris makes folks do things for her and then judges them whilst they shake and cry because of course her opinion defines their universe.
Dr. Nostrum can't help remembering the callous spoiled joy with which Nicole and her ruined a day's business for a random blue collar family one episode of The Simple Life. Yes, I'm sure they compensated them financially, yes, that was the show, no, it didn't matter.
There's no joy here, no point, purpose or permanence, and nothing positive that starts with any other letter of the alphabet either.
I know why it's on and I even think I know why it's popular. She is the living Celebrity Embodiment of Fast Food. The McDonalds of Reality TV. Everything you can think of about The Big Mac is true for Paris.
Paris Hilton. More famous than Paris France. What does that say about Google searches?
Be my BFF Paris! ;-) Everything you touch turns to gold.
(do you really think so?)
It's pretty much beyond reviewing to any purpose as a television show; Paris makes folks do things for her and then judges them whilst they shake and cry because of course her opinion defines their universe.
Dr. Nostrum can't help remembering the callous spoiled joy with which Nicole and her ruined a day's business for a random blue collar family one episode of The Simple Life. Yes, I'm sure they compensated them financially, yes, that was the show, no, it didn't matter.
There's no joy here, no point, purpose or permanence, and nothing positive that starts with any other letter of the alphabet either.
I know why it's on and I even think I know why it's popular. She is the living Celebrity Embodiment of Fast Food. The McDonalds of Reality TV. Everything you can think of about The Big Mac is true for Paris.
Paris Hilton. More famous than Paris France. What does that say about Google searches?
Be my BFF Paris! ;-) Everything you touch turns to gold.
(do you really think so?)
Wednesday, 4 February 2009
Jade Goody Media Martyr - Cashing In On Death
Can you believe it, a serious article from Dr. Nostrum as I take a moment to reflect on a recurring nightmare.
Though we are no closer to finding a meaning for Jade Goody's life, in one of the clearest predictions of 2009 (and yes, foul and cynical as I am, hopefully beyond) there will be a long examination for the meaning of her death and it's place as 'Entertainment' on our screens.
(cue bubbly airhead teen voice over) 'Read all about brave Jade's losing battle with Cancer and get 20 great Credit Crunch Cancer beating looks! Only in this week's edition of Uber-Voyeur, only £1.20 at all good Newsagents!'
I really don't think I will. In fact I know I can't. So I will become one of those hated commentators (surely - 'contentators') that pontificate on the morals of this most exquisite hell of an exploitation at a distance. You see, I'm not interested in the minutiae of Jade's serialised death throe, but then, I don't like Slasher films or Grand Theft Auto so I probably exist in a tiny vacuum. No, more than not interested; phobic.
There isn't a simultaneously less important yet more vicarious life and all it's for is so we can enjoy our pity and scorn at a scripted reality the Truman Show would've junked as unbelievable.
Look, there is a regular lighter and crueler side to Dr. Nostrum's Jade jibes and yes, saving her skin is a reasonable charitable enterprise so it can be pegged out and displayed as a lesson to all those who seek fame for fame's sake, but something has clearly gone wrong and not only in my brain.
There must be a point at which we recognise our Nero's fiddling as Rome burns. I humbly submit that serialising, trivialising and repackaging the slow death of a young, questionably smart, woman into a Television Reality Soap and glib Trashazine Hooks for the financial benefit of the Media well beyond the financial benefit to her family is one of those markers.
I don't have any morals up here in the cloud, because it's all make believe, but you down there...
Though we are no closer to finding a meaning for Jade Goody's life, in one of the clearest predictions of 2009 (and yes, foul and cynical as I am, hopefully beyond) there will be a long examination for the meaning of her death and it's place as 'Entertainment' on our screens.
(cue bubbly airhead teen voice over) 'Read all about brave Jade's losing battle with Cancer and get 20 great Credit Crunch Cancer beating looks! Only in this week's edition of Uber-Voyeur, only £1.20 at all good Newsagents!'
I really don't think I will. In fact I know I can't. So I will become one of those hated commentators (surely - 'contentators') that pontificate on the morals of this most exquisite hell of an exploitation at a distance. You see, I'm not interested in the minutiae of Jade's serialised death throe, but then, I don't like Slasher films or Grand Theft Auto so I probably exist in a tiny vacuum. No, more than not interested; phobic.
There isn't a simultaneously less important yet more vicarious life and all it's for is so we can enjoy our pity and scorn at a scripted reality the Truman Show would've junked as unbelievable.
Look, there is a regular lighter and crueler side to Dr. Nostrum's Jade jibes and yes, saving her skin is a reasonable charitable enterprise so it can be pegged out and displayed as a lesson to all those who seek fame for fame's sake, but something has clearly gone wrong and not only in my brain.
There must be a point at which we recognise our Nero's fiddling as Rome burns. I humbly submit that serialising, trivialising and repackaging the slow death of a young, questionably smart, woman into a Television Reality Soap and glib Trashazine Hooks for the financial benefit of the Media well beyond the financial benefit to her family is one of those markers.
I don't have any morals up here in the cloud, because it's all make believe, but you down there...
Friday, 30 January 2009
I Don't Want To Work For Diddy
Dr. Nostrum has been tuning in occasionally to I Want To Work For Diddy. Now, I never really wanted to see this, but was wooed by the diddy blogs into a false sense of optimism (but note that there's no diddy blog celebrating the win - I guess the Democrats didn't pay for that one). In fact it was quite hard to watch it a very real sense because it disappeared from one channel after just a few episodes and I haven't had the discipline to keep track of what episode airs when on MTV.
But, of course, having seen it for a few seconds, I have seen it all. Formula stuff, with a vaguely cheap and hugely self important tone from the 'playa's'. Obnoxious and unpleasant ego masquerading as successful and aspirational business acumen - maybe these have always been the same thing.
There was a fabulous highlight with Diddy explaining how far he could achieve anything he set his mind to, which I wish I could find to print verbatim but somehow I have it imprinted on my memory as a dream inspired rant culminating in Puff riding a giraffe bareback and naked in Zimbabwe, that, strangely, being the task he wanted to achieve.
Don't let the highlight fool you though, it's the usual misfits being humiliated into obescience.
I think it is time for the series 'I Don't Want To Work For Diddy' in which every member of the human race bar 20 publicity obsessed lunatics go about their normal life completely bemused by the fact that some people want to debase themselves daily at the whim of egomaniacal celebrities for money and a seat in a muddy trench at the foot of fame.
I see many such programmes ahead, including the Paul McKenna inspired 'I Can't Make You Thin' and 'I Can't Make Him Stop', 'The Price Is Wrong', hosted by Jordan, 'Who Doesn't Want To Be A Millionaire?' and so on. Perhaps we could just make one programme that lasts all day called 'Why?' although to keep it Yoof perhaps just 'Y?
In 'Y?' we, the public, use Torquemada's technique of having TV execs spin out the premise of a story interesting enough to prevent themselves being dropped into a pot of burning pitch.
I'd probably watch it for 10 minutes before turning over to 'My New BFF'
But, of course, having seen it for a few seconds, I have seen it all. Formula stuff, with a vaguely cheap and hugely self important tone from the 'playa's'. Obnoxious and unpleasant ego masquerading as successful and aspirational business acumen - maybe these have always been the same thing.
There was a fabulous highlight with Diddy explaining how far he could achieve anything he set his mind to, which I wish I could find to print verbatim but somehow I have it imprinted on my memory as a dream inspired rant culminating in Puff riding a giraffe bareback and naked in Zimbabwe, that, strangely, being the task he wanted to achieve.
Don't let the highlight fool you though, it's the usual misfits being humiliated into obescience.
I think it is time for the series 'I Don't Want To Work For Diddy' in which every member of the human race bar 20 publicity obsessed lunatics go about their normal life completely bemused by the fact that some people want to debase themselves daily at the whim of egomaniacal celebrities for money and a seat in a muddy trench at the foot of fame.
I see many such programmes ahead, including the Paul McKenna inspired 'I Can't Make You Thin' and 'I Can't Make Him Stop', 'The Price Is Wrong', hosted by Jordan, 'Who Doesn't Want To Be A Millionaire?' and so on. Perhaps we could just make one programme that lasts all day called 'Why?' although to keep it Yoof perhaps just 'Y?
In 'Y?' we, the public, use Torquemada's technique of having TV execs spin out the premise of a story interesting enough to prevent themselves being dropped into a pot of burning pitch.
I'd probably watch it for 10 minutes before turning over to 'My New BFF'
Monday, 26 January 2009
Trans Gender Agenda for Tyrant
And so begins another series on the relentless hagiography that is the America's Top Model conveyor belt. Dr. Nostrum has often said that before she's in the grave every girl in America will be able to say Tyrant belittled her on National TV. In the UK we stay resolutely just behind, as we do with all things American since the 50's, so this is cycle 11.
We're put straight as to the purpose of the show from the get go. The entirely predictable system overload for the glaminator machine "to make better models" must mean Tyrant Tyra Banks is inside, cos no way can she pass up a chance to show us Tyrant is as good as it gets. (This is the point of the show - there, now I've told you the scales will have fallen from your eyes forever more) She seems to have some top lip issues today, with a smeared and shiny barracuda pout to the fore and oddly, they seem to have based the beginning of the show on The Tomorrow People, but i can't believe any of them have seen it. She also has some thunder-thigh issues too, I doubt they'd seem so on a normal woman, but on Tyrant they stand as two thumping revolutionary insurgents despoiling the landscape that is Doriana Gray, still a good looking woman, but one who has lost every shred of inner beauty.
Last Series was Plus Size, this series is Trans Gender. Now, have no doubt, the contestant may not have an agenda but The Show does. "What would being a part of this show do for the Gay and Lesbian community?" asks Tyrant, and the answer; it will increase the profile of Tyra Banks.
We're put straight as to the purpose of the show from the get go. The entirely predictable system overload for the glaminator machine "to make better models" must mean Tyrant Tyra Banks is inside, cos no way can she pass up a chance to show us Tyrant is as good as it gets. (This is the point of the show - there, now I've told you the scales will have fallen from your eyes forever more) She seems to have some top lip issues today, with a smeared and shiny barracuda pout to the fore and oddly, they seem to have based the beginning of the show on The Tomorrow People, but i can't believe any of them have seen it. She also has some thunder-thigh issues too, I doubt they'd seem so on a normal woman, but on Tyrant they stand as two thumping revolutionary insurgents despoiling the landscape that is Doriana Gray, still a good looking woman, but one who has lost every shred of inner beauty.
Last Series was Plus Size, this series is Trans Gender. Now, have no doubt, the contestant may not have an agenda but The Show does. "What would being a part of this show do for the Gay and Lesbian community?" asks Tyrant, and the answer; it will increase the profile of Tyra Banks.
Saturday, 24 January 2009
All Talk 57 - 2009 Predictions - The Rise Of The Tramps
DR. NOSTRUM
I fear what most people will do is just roam the streets looking for food, in which case it’ll have been an advantage being a bin man cos you’d know where to look.
HUTCHBACK
So bin men will become the...
DR. NOSTRUM
The hunter-gatherers.
HUTCHBACK
...guru’s for the new age.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, no.
HUTCHBACK
They’ll be the wise..
DR. NOSTRUM
They’ll be just underneath Ray Mears.
HUTCHBACK
Alright, but they’ll be consulted, they’ll be able to charge..
DR. NOSTRUM
Now That..! No, wait a minute! That is one of the predictions that is reasonably obvious, is that people who forage will become leaders of the new age.
HUTCHBACK
Yes, absolutely.
DR. NOSTRUM
So your new age, you’re actually envisaging the Apocalypse, the complete breakdown...
TOGETHER
...of society...
DR. NOSTRUM
...So how do you make money out of it?
HUTCHBACK
...that’s a little bit extreme.. What do you mean how do you make money out of it?
DR. NOSTRUM
(poking fun at HUTCHBACK’s new catchphrase) Is it a business?
HUTCHBACK
Is it a business? I don’t.. I don’t th.. alright, it might happen but I don’t think so. I think what’s nore likely is that there are lots of people who lose their jobs, that’s clearly going to happen.. Make yourself another tea.
DR. NOSTRUM
Right, but if you could teach hunter-gatherer techniques to all these people who lose their jobs..
HUTCHBACK
Urban hunter-gatherer techniques, that would be a big boon.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, you could do it as a government scheme. For all the people who are out of work you send them on schemes...
HUTCHBACK
And you know who becomes...
DR. NOSTRUM
...to learn how to become Ray Mears.
HUTCHBACK
...No, you know who become the real figureheads, the CEO’s; Tramps. Tramps.
DR. NOSTRUM
Who’ve been doing it..
HUTCHBACK
They’ve been doing it for years! They know more than bin men. They definitely know more than bin men. So, suddenly, society gets inverted and the people at the top are Tramps.
DR. NOSTRUM
So this is our..
HUTCHBACK
So this is our second prediction: Takeover of the Tramps.
DR. NOSTRUM
Ok, we got there quicker this time. So prediction number two is that the world order is turned on its head and that Tramps become the leaders of the New Society.
HUTCHBACK
Because they have all the skills needed to survive the recession. The oncoming onslaught.
DR. NOSTRUM
Ok.
HUTCHBACK
And it’ll actually become a desirable career path for children who are growing up, you know, “Son, you really need to work hard on your foraging and your begging techniques..
DR. NOSTRUM
No, there’s no-one to beg from, so maybe it isn’t tramps?
HUTCHBACK
No, but foraging, they’ve got foraging down pat, oh yeah, rummaging through bins. Except no-one will have any rubbish...
DR. NOSTRUM
No, wait a minute...
HUTCHBACK
...there won’t be any rubbish any more, that’s the problem...
DR. NOSTRUM
...Maybe...
HUTCHBACK
...that’s where this thing falls apart...
DR. NOSTRUM
...but maybe, you know...
HUTCHBACK
...is that people won’t have anything to buy so they won’t have anything to throw away.
DR. NOSTRUM
...as a sideline to the prediction industry is the TV thing, which, is not, you know, Ray Mears Bushcraft, but, you know, Ray Mears...
TOGETHER
...Bincraft.
HUTCHBACK
Ray Mears Bincraft!
DR. NOSTRUM
And it wouldn’t be Ray Mears it would be..
HUTCHBACK
It would be, you know, Uncle Barney, or whoever...
DR. NOSTRUM
It’s a weekly TV series.
HUTCHBACK
Johnny Hull’s Bincraft.
DR. NOSTRUM
(recognising the name of the well known North of England Tramp of some repute from the dim past) There you go, Johnny Hull’s Bincraft. So even if we don’t have the correct prediction for society, we’ve got a potential television series.
HUTCHBACK
Tramp CEO’s, which actually is in the script come to think of it, but we’ve actually worked out how it could happen.
DR. NOSTRUM
No. Yeah, well, no.
HUTCHBACK
We now have a logical framework for Tramp CEO’s to exist, because before, it was just blind luck.
DR. NOSTRUM
Ok.
HUTCHBACK
Whereas now it’s perfectly logical.
DR. NOSTRUM
In this..
HUTCHBACK
In this future prediction, for there to be Tramp CEO’s.
DR. NOSTRUM
Donald Tramp.
HUTCHBACK
But what do they get paid in?
DR. NOSTRUM
Cardboard boxes.
HUTCHBACK
Cardboard boxes and rotting food.
DR. NOSTRUM
No. There’s no-one to pay them.
HUTCHBACK
No, no. They will get paid.
DR. NOSTRUM
By who?
HUTCHBACK
They’ll have..
DR. NOSTRUM
What do tramps earn?
HUTCHBACK
...they’ll have donations. They’re so important that all the under-tramps will donate some of their foraging. There, because they’re teaching them all the skills.
DR. NOSTRUM
Ok, well, as you pointed out, it’s mainly a post opalyptic, er..
HUTCHBACK
It’s post apocalyptic.
DR. NOSTRUM
...apocalyptic society.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah. So, you know, they give their..
DR. NOSTRUM
So the first prediction is the Apocalyse! (disappointedly) But lots of people have been predicting that. So, it’s not the Apocalypse, though, it’s just the re-distribution of wealth. (pause) Hmm. I think that maybe a more reasonable prediction for 2009...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, because that one is slightly unreasonable.
DR. NOSTRUM
...is that that becomes part of the curriculum.
HUTCHBACK
Tramp studies.
DR. NOSTRUM
Bincraft, I suppose.
HUTCHBACK
Bincraft
DR. NOSTRUM
Yes, Bincraft becomes part of the curriculum, as well as maths and English and all that. That seems alright for 2009, and then as it progresses...
(pause – The DR. is distracted by the sports ticker on the TV)
Sasa Papac. Sasa Papac. That’s good. He’s got an ‘a’ every other letter.
HUTCHBACK
Sasa Papac. Yes, good. It would be good if Sasa was his middle name and Asa was his first name.
I fear what most people will do is just roam the streets looking for food, in which case it’ll have been an advantage being a bin man cos you’d know where to look.
HUTCHBACK
So bin men will become the...
DR. NOSTRUM
The hunter-gatherers.
HUTCHBACK
...guru’s for the new age.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, no.
HUTCHBACK
They’ll be the wise..
DR. NOSTRUM
They’ll be just underneath Ray Mears.
HUTCHBACK
Alright, but they’ll be consulted, they’ll be able to charge..
DR. NOSTRUM
Now That..! No, wait a minute! That is one of the predictions that is reasonably obvious, is that people who forage will become leaders of the new age.
HUTCHBACK
Yes, absolutely.
DR. NOSTRUM
So your new age, you’re actually envisaging the Apocalypse, the complete breakdown...
TOGETHER
...of society...
DR. NOSTRUM
...So how do you make money out of it?
HUTCHBACK
...that’s a little bit extreme.. What do you mean how do you make money out of it?
DR. NOSTRUM
(poking fun at HUTCHBACK’s new catchphrase) Is it a business?
HUTCHBACK
Is it a business? I don’t.. I don’t th.. alright, it might happen but I don’t think so. I think what’s nore likely is that there are lots of people who lose their jobs, that’s clearly going to happen.. Make yourself another tea.
DR. NOSTRUM
Right, but if you could teach hunter-gatherer techniques to all these people who lose their jobs..
HUTCHBACK
Urban hunter-gatherer techniques, that would be a big boon.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, you could do it as a government scheme. For all the people who are out of work you send them on schemes...
HUTCHBACK
And you know who becomes...
DR. NOSTRUM
...to learn how to become Ray Mears.
HUTCHBACK
...No, you know who become the real figureheads, the CEO’s; Tramps. Tramps.
DR. NOSTRUM
Who’ve been doing it..
HUTCHBACK
They’ve been doing it for years! They know more than bin men. They definitely know more than bin men. So, suddenly, society gets inverted and the people at the top are Tramps.
DR. NOSTRUM
So this is our..
HUTCHBACK
So this is our second prediction: Takeover of the Tramps.
DR. NOSTRUM
Ok, we got there quicker this time. So prediction number two is that the world order is turned on its head and that Tramps become the leaders of the New Society.
HUTCHBACK
Because they have all the skills needed to survive the recession. The oncoming onslaught.
DR. NOSTRUM
Ok.
HUTCHBACK
And it’ll actually become a desirable career path for children who are growing up, you know, “Son, you really need to work hard on your foraging and your begging techniques..
DR. NOSTRUM
No, there’s no-one to beg from, so maybe it isn’t tramps?
HUTCHBACK
No, but foraging, they’ve got foraging down pat, oh yeah, rummaging through bins. Except no-one will have any rubbish...
DR. NOSTRUM
No, wait a minute...
HUTCHBACK
...there won’t be any rubbish any more, that’s the problem...
DR. NOSTRUM
...Maybe...
HUTCHBACK
...that’s where this thing falls apart...
DR. NOSTRUM
...but maybe, you know...
HUTCHBACK
...is that people won’t have anything to buy so they won’t have anything to throw away.
DR. NOSTRUM
...as a sideline to the prediction industry is the TV thing, which, is not, you know, Ray Mears Bushcraft, but, you know, Ray Mears...
TOGETHER
...Bincraft.
HUTCHBACK
Ray Mears Bincraft!
DR. NOSTRUM
And it wouldn’t be Ray Mears it would be..
HUTCHBACK
It would be, you know, Uncle Barney, or whoever...
DR. NOSTRUM
It’s a weekly TV series.
HUTCHBACK
Johnny Hull’s Bincraft.
DR. NOSTRUM
(recognising the name of the well known North of England Tramp of some repute from the dim past) There you go, Johnny Hull’s Bincraft. So even if we don’t have the correct prediction for society, we’ve got a potential television series.
HUTCHBACK
Tramp CEO’s, which actually is in the script come to think of it, but we’ve actually worked out how it could happen.
DR. NOSTRUM
No. Yeah, well, no.
HUTCHBACK
We now have a logical framework for Tramp CEO’s to exist, because before, it was just blind luck.
DR. NOSTRUM
Ok.
HUTCHBACK
Whereas now it’s perfectly logical.
DR. NOSTRUM
In this..
HUTCHBACK
In this future prediction, for there to be Tramp CEO’s.
DR. NOSTRUM
Donald Tramp.
HUTCHBACK
But what do they get paid in?
DR. NOSTRUM
Cardboard boxes.
HUTCHBACK
Cardboard boxes and rotting food.
DR. NOSTRUM
No. There’s no-one to pay them.
HUTCHBACK
No, no. They will get paid.
DR. NOSTRUM
By who?
HUTCHBACK
They’ll have..
DR. NOSTRUM
What do tramps earn?
HUTCHBACK
...they’ll have donations. They’re so important that all the under-tramps will donate some of their foraging. There, because they’re teaching them all the skills.
DR. NOSTRUM
Ok, well, as you pointed out, it’s mainly a post opalyptic, er..
HUTCHBACK
It’s post apocalyptic.
DR. NOSTRUM
...apocalyptic society.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah. So, you know, they give their..
DR. NOSTRUM
So the first prediction is the Apocalyse! (disappointedly) But lots of people have been predicting that. So, it’s not the Apocalypse, though, it’s just the re-distribution of wealth. (pause) Hmm. I think that maybe a more reasonable prediction for 2009...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, because that one is slightly unreasonable.
DR. NOSTRUM
...is that that becomes part of the curriculum.
HUTCHBACK
Tramp studies.
DR. NOSTRUM
Bincraft, I suppose.
HUTCHBACK
Bincraft
DR. NOSTRUM
Yes, Bincraft becomes part of the curriculum, as well as maths and English and all that. That seems alright for 2009, and then as it progresses...
(pause – The DR. is distracted by the sports ticker on the TV)
Sasa Papac. Sasa Papac. That’s good. He’s got an ‘a’ every other letter.
HUTCHBACK
Sasa Papac. Yes, good. It would be good if Sasa was his middle name and Asa was his first name.
Friday, 23 January 2009
All Talk 56 - 2009 Predictions - Living Your Life In Your Spare Time
HUTCHBACK
So, we’ve cracked one prediction. That must have been the most ludicrous prediction that anyone has made in this end of year predictions farrago.
DR. NOSTRUM
I don’t know, I haven’t been looking.
HUTCHBACK
No, but I’ve been looking at them and none of them are as insane as that. They’re all things like ‘People will stop going out and spending money.’
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, one thing about this is that there’s not enough time to write 10 predictions if this is how we’re going to do it, but I could summarise them.
HUTCHBACK
Well, we’re not going to come up with 10 today.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, that’s cos no-one’s paying us.
HUTCHBACK
No.
DR. NOSTRUM
If someone was paying me, believe me, I’d come up with 10.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, well, I’m now doing my job in my spare time for no money..
DR. NOSTRUM
No you’re not.
HUTCHBACK
I am!
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh well. I’m doing my life in my.. um, my life has become..
HUTCHBACK
“I’m doing my entire life in my spare time.” Now that.. Let’s work that out. Now that’s a prediction; people start living their entire lives in their spare time...
DR. NOSTRUM
As their hobby.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah. No, because there won’t be any jobs, so you now have to live your whole life in your spare time.
DR. NOSTRUM
What do you mean there won’t be any jobs?
HUTCHBACK
Well, no, cos everyone’s going to lose there jobs.
(Edit Point)
DR. NOSTRUM
So, I’m living my life in my spare time.
HUTCHBACK
Yes, living your life in your spare time. You are a pioneer. You’re a pioneer.
DR. NOSTRUM
There must have been others before me?
HUTCHBACK
Well, they were called the terminally unemployed...
DR. NOSTRUM
Or, the mentally ill.
HUTCHBACK
...the mentally ill, or the clinically insane. However, you are actually doing it intentionally, as a career.
DR. NOSTRUM
As a career.
HUTCHBACK
You are doing everything in your spare time.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. I’m not making a success of my career. It’s true, if your career becomes successful you no longer have time...
HUTCHBACK
Yes, that’s it.
DR. NOSTRUM
...to live your life.
HUTCHBACK
That’s exactly it.
DR. NOSTRUM
But that’s a truism, not a prediction.
HUTCHBACK
No, but what will happen is that people will start doing all their work in their spare time.
DR. NOSTRUM
And what will they do in their work time.
HUTCHBACK
They won’t have any work time.
DR. NOSTRUM
So it’ll swap?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
It’ll swap, so your work time..
HUTCHBACK
So everyone will be doing work, but not as their job, but just to keep themselves busy. So if you’re a bin man, you’ll carry on being a bin man, but you just won’t get paid for it. You’ll go around just taking people’s rubbish away...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah
HUTCHBACK
...and emptying it onto the street just cos it makes you feel better.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, you gotta keep yourself busy.
HUTCHBACK
You’ve got to keep yourself busy.
DR. NOSTRUM
I fear what most people will do is just roam the streets looking for food, in which case it’ll have been an advantage being a bin man cos you’d know where to look.
HUTCHBACK
So bin men will become the...
DR. NOSTRUM
The hunter gatherers.
HUTCHBACK
...guru’s for the new age.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, no.
HUTCHBACK
They’ll be the wise..
DR. NOSTRUM
They’ll be just underneath Ray Mears.
HUTCHBACK
Alright, but they’ll be consulted, they’ll be able to charge..
DR. NOSTRUM
Now That..! No, wait a minute! That is one of the predictions that is reasonably obvious, is that people who forage will become leaders of the new age.
HUTCHBACK
Yes, absolutely.
So, we’ve cracked one prediction. That must have been the most ludicrous prediction that anyone has made in this end of year predictions farrago.
DR. NOSTRUM
I don’t know, I haven’t been looking.
HUTCHBACK
No, but I’ve been looking at them and none of them are as insane as that. They’re all things like ‘People will stop going out and spending money.’
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, one thing about this is that there’s not enough time to write 10 predictions if this is how we’re going to do it, but I could summarise them.
HUTCHBACK
Well, we’re not going to come up with 10 today.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, that’s cos no-one’s paying us.
HUTCHBACK
No.
DR. NOSTRUM
If someone was paying me, believe me, I’d come up with 10.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, well, I’m now doing my job in my spare time for no money..
DR. NOSTRUM
No you’re not.
HUTCHBACK
I am!
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh well. I’m doing my life in my.. um, my life has become..
HUTCHBACK
“I’m doing my entire life in my spare time.” Now that.. Let’s work that out. Now that’s a prediction; people start living their entire lives in their spare time...
DR. NOSTRUM
As their hobby.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah. No, because there won’t be any jobs, so you now have to live your whole life in your spare time.
DR. NOSTRUM
What do you mean there won’t be any jobs?
HUTCHBACK
Well, no, cos everyone’s going to lose there jobs.
(Edit Point)
DR. NOSTRUM
So, I’m living my life in my spare time.
HUTCHBACK
Yes, living your life in your spare time. You are a pioneer. You’re a pioneer.
DR. NOSTRUM
There must have been others before me?
HUTCHBACK
Well, they were called the terminally unemployed...
DR. NOSTRUM
Or, the mentally ill.
HUTCHBACK
...the mentally ill, or the clinically insane. However, you are actually doing it intentionally, as a career.
DR. NOSTRUM
As a career.
HUTCHBACK
You are doing everything in your spare time.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. I’m not making a success of my career. It’s true, if your career becomes successful you no longer have time...
HUTCHBACK
Yes, that’s it.
DR. NOSTRUM
...to live your life.
HUTCHBACK
That’s exactly it.
DR. NOSTRUM
But that’s a truism, not a prediction.
HUTCHBACK
No, but what will happen is that people will start doing all their work in their spare time.
DR. NOSTRUM
And what will they do in their work time.
HUTCHBACK
They won’t have any work time.
DR. NOSTRUM
So it’ll swap?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
It’ll swap, so your work time..
HUTCHBACK
So everyone will be doing work, but not as their job, but just to keep themselves busy. So if you’re a bin man, you’ll carry on being a bin man, but you just won’t get paid for it. You’ll go around just taking people’s rubbish away...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah
HUTCHBACK
...and emptying it onto the street just cos it makes you feel better.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, you gotta keep yourself busy.
HUTCHBACK
You’ve got to keep yourself busy.
DR. NOSTRUM
I fear what most people will do is just roam the streets looking for food, in which case it’ll have been an advantage being a bin man cos you’d know where to look.
HUTCHBACK
So bin men will become the...
DR. NOSTRUM
The hunter gatherers.
HUTCHBACK
...guru’s for the new age.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, no.
HUTCHBACK
They’ll be the wise..
DR. NOSTRUM
They’ll be just underneath Ray Mears.
HUTCHBACK
Alright, but they’ll be consulted, they’ll be able to charge..
DR. NOSTRUM
Now That..! No, wait a minute! That is one of the predictions that is reasonably obvious, is that people who forage will become leaders of the new age.
HUTCHBACK
Yes, absolutely.
All Talk 55 - 2009 Predictions - Practical Joke To Appear on The Law Statute Book (Part 2)
HUTCHBACK
Ah, no, but then it gets a bit more complicated, because some practical jokes would not lead to a conviction.
(pause the DR. is bemused)
Ok. Say for instance, Practical Joke; I left a sword on the staircase and someone fell over and died on it. No court in the land would send you to jail for that.
DR. NOSTRUM
What, as opposed to pushing someone off a cliff?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, because pushing someone off a cliff is much more.. No, because if you left.. you know, and then sometime later someone came down the stairs, tripped over and fell on the sword and it killed them.
DR. NOSTRUM
Maybe Negligence?
HUTCHBACK
Negligence. You wouldn’t go to prison for that.
DR. NOSTRUM
(not getting it) So that would be ‘Negligent Practical Joke’?
HUTCHBACK
Ok, that’s a nonsense.. that’s a silly example. Say you leave a knife..
DR. NOSTRUM
(sarcasm) Yeah, that’s a silly one, forget that one.
HUTCHBACK
No, okay, you leave your washing machine open with a big knife pointing up out of the tray (pause) as a practical joke, hoping someone might trip over and fall on it. For a joke.
DR. NOSTRUM
The dishwasher?
HUTCHBACK
The washing machine, er, the dishwasher.
DR. NOSTRUM
What, hoping that someone might fall over?
HUTCHBACK
Trip over, fall on it. (the DR. is shaking his head) Why not, that’s happened
DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, that’s not a practical joke.
HUTCHBACK
Why is that not a practical joke?
DR. NOSTRUM
Because the likelihood of someone tripping over as they reach the dishwasher is nothing you can rely on. The practical joke is something where you know someone’s going to do something, so you’d have to...
HUTCHBACK
Ok, so you to set up..
DR. NOSTRUM
...you’d have to, No. You’d have to lift the.. you’d loosen the floorboards.
HUTCHBACK
Well, there you go.
DR. NOSTRUM
You loosen the floorb..
HUTCHBACK
No, no, you just squirt some washing up liquid on the floor.
DR. NOSTRUM
Ok, washing up liquid on the floor and knives sticking up out of..
HUTCHBACK
There’s no court in the land would convict you of that. I’d stake my legal reputation on it.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, I think that’s too much, I think they would convict you.
HUTCHBACK
No, why would they convict you?
DR. NOSTRUM
Because the intention is to harm.
HUTCHBACK
They could never prove that you..
DR. NOSTRUM
No, the intent is to harm.
HUTCHBACK
They could never prove you intended it.
DR. NOSTRUM
To do what?
HUTCHBACK
You would say, “I never planned that as a practical joke, it was just an unfortunate accident.”
DR. NOSTRUM
What are you talking about?
HUTCHBACK
That would be your defense.
DR. NOSTRUM
But how can that be your defense?!
HUTCHBACK
That would be your defense!
DR. NOSTRUM
But it’s a circular argument. “I did this thing, but I never intended to do it.” What’s that?
HUTCHBACK
No, because the prosecution investigation, that would be their case; that it was a planned practical joke and your defense would be that it was just an accident. (pause) I can see you’re struggling with that.
DR. NOSTRUM
I am struggling with that.
HUTCHBACK
Why? Why are you struggling with it?
DR. NOSTRUM
So you’re saying the charge. The charge is Practical Joke...
HUTCHBACK
Yes, the charge...
DR. NOSTRUM
...not the defense?
HUTCHBACK
...yes, of course!! What?
DR. NOSTRUM
That’s what I was struggling with...
HUTCHBACK
You go in..
DR. NOSTRUM
...you do something that’s a practical joke and you say that “I didn’t do it.”
HUTCHBACK
Well yeah, but no, because.. Well, people could accuse you. You could be accused of Murder by Practical Joke. You wouldn’t go in and say..
DR. NOSTRUM
But you would be wholly innocent! Cause if they accused you of doing it by Practical Joke, isn’t it too obscure? What’s the point of charging you with ‘Practical Joke’, why can’t they just charge you with murder?
HUTCHBACK
Because they’d never get murder. They’d never get a murder conviction for that, but they might get death by practical joke, if ty can prove that you put the.. It’s easier to convict someone of ‘Death By Practical Joke’.
DR. NOSTRUM
Sound like a lot of the Inspector Morse, um, mysteries, you know. Where there’s a very convoluted way of killing someone. In fact, there was that Columbo one where he was murdered by the dogs. The defense could have been a practical joke that went wrong.
HUTCHBACK
It was a practical joke to set the dogs on him?
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, you didn’t know the dogs would kill him, but you thought it was funny.
HUTCHBACK
You thought it was funny.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, there we go, so it’s not manslaughter cause, no, but it would be man.. no.. why..
HUTCHBACK
No, you can be accu.. you can go to prison for dog attacks. You can definitely go to prison for dog attacks.
DR. NOSTRUM
Mm. To me now I can only see it as a defense rather than an accusation. I don’t think it’s worth making the accusation, but I can see it as a defense.
HUTCHBACK
Alright, so the accusation would be murder and then your defense is practical joke.
DR. NOSTRUM
And it’s a.. no, it’s a plea, it’s a plea. The plea is, it was a Practical Joke that went wrong, which is not as serious as manslaughter.
HUTCHBACK
Yes. So then they’d have to come up with a...
DR. NOSTRUM
Sentence tariff.
HUTCHBACK
...crime and a sentence called Practical Joke. Yep, I think that’s perfectly reasonable.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yep. Ok, so that’s one.
HUTCHBACK
That’s one, we’ve cracked one prediction.
Ah, no, but then it gets a bit more complicated, because some practical jokes would not lead to a conviction.
(pause the DR. is bemused)
Ok. Say for instance, Practical Joke; I left a sword on the staircase and someone fell over and died on it. No court in the land would send you to jail for that.
DR. NOSTRUM
What, as opposed to pushing someone off a cliff?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, because pushing someone off a cliff is much more.. No, because if you left.. you know, and then sometime later someone came down the stairs, tripped over and fell on the sword and it killed them.
DR. NOSTRUM
Maybe Negligence?
HUTCHBACK
Negligence. You wouldn’t go to prison for that.
DR. NOSTRUM
(not getting it) So that would be ‘Negligent Practical Joke’?
HUTCHBACK
Ok, that’s a nonsense.. that’s a silly example. Say you leave a knife..
DR. NOSTRUM
(sarcasm) Yeah, that’s a silly one, forget that one.
HUTCHBACK
No, okay, you leave your washing machine open with a big knife pointing up out of the tray (pause) as a practical joke, hoping someone might trip over and fall on it. For a joke.
DR. NOSTRUM
The dishwasher?
HUTCHBACK
The washing machine, er, the dishwasher.
DR. NOSTRUM
What, hoping that someone might fall over?
HUTCHBACK
Trip over, fall on it. (the DR. is shaking his head) Why not, that’s happened
DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, that’s not a practical joke.
HUTCHBACK
Why is that not a practical joke?
DR. NOSTRUM
Because the likelihood of someone tripping over as they reach the dishwasher is nothing you can rely on. The practical joke is something where you know someone’s going to do something, so you’d have to...
HUTCHBACK
Ok, so you to set up..
DR. NOSTRUM
...you’d have to, No. You’d have to lift the.. you’d loosen the floorboards.
HUTCHBACK
Well, there you go.
DR. NOSTRUM
You loosen the floorb..
HUTCHBACK
No, no, you just squirt some washing up liquid on the floor.
DR. NOSTRUM
Ok, washing up liquid on the floor and knives sticking up out of..
HUTCHBACK
There’s no court in the land would convict you of that. I’d stake my legal reputation on it.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, I think that’s too much, I think they would convict you.
HUTCHBACK
No, why would they convict you?
DR. NOSTRUM
Because the intention is to harm.
HUTCHBACK
They could never prove that you..
DR. NOSTRUM
No, the intent is to harm.
HUTCHBACK
They could never prove you intended it.
DR. NOSTRUM
To do what?
HUTCHBACK
You would say, “I never planned that as a practical joke, it was just an unfortunate accident.”
DR. NOSTRUM
What are you talking about?
HUTCHBACK
That would be your defense.
DR. NOSTRUM
But how can that be your defense?!
HUTCHBACK
That would be your defense!
DR. NOSTRUM
But it’s a circular argument. “I did this thing, but I never intended to do it.” What’s that?
HUTCHBACK
No, because the prosecution investigation, that would be their case; that it was a planned practical joke and your defense would be that it was just an accident. (pause) I can see you’re struggling with that.
DR. NOSTRUM
I am struggling with that.
HUTCHBACK
Why? Why are you struggling with it?
DR. NOSTRUM
So you’re saying the charge. The charge is Practical Joke...
HUTCHBACK
Yes, the charge...
DR. NOSTRUM
...not the defense?
HUTCHBACK
...yes, of course!! What?
DR. NOSTRUM
That’s what I was struggling with...
HUTCHBACK
You go in..
DR. NOSTRUM
...you do something that’s a practical joke and you say that “I didn’t do it.”
HUTCHBACK
Well yeah, but no, because.. Well, people could accuse you. You could be accused of Murder by Practical Joke. You wouldn’t go in and say..
DR. NOSTRUM
But you would be wholly innocent! Cause if they accused you of doing it by Practical Joke, isn’t it too obscure? What’s the point of charging you with ‘Practical Joke’, why can’t they just charge you with murder?
HUTCHBACK
Because they’d never get murder. They’d never get a murder conviction for that, but they might get death by practical joke, if ty can prove that you put the.. It’s easier to convict someone of ‘Death By Practical Joke’.
DR. NOSTRUM
Sound like a lot of the Inspector Morse, um, mysteries, you know. Where there’s a very convoluted way of killing someone. In fact, there was that Columbo one where he was murdered by the dogs. The defense could have been a practical joke that went wrong.
HUTCHBACK
It was a practical joke to set the dogs on him?
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, you didn’t know the dogs would kill him, but you thought it was funny.
HUTCHBACK
You thought it was funny.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, there we go, so it’s not manslaughter cause, no, but it would be man.. no.. why..
HUTCHBACK
No, you can be accu.. you can go to prison for dog attacks. You can definitely go to prison for dog attacks.
DR. NOSTRUM
Mm. To me now I can only see it as a defense rather than an accusation. I don’t think it’s worth making the accusation, but I can see it as a defense.
HUTCHBACK
Alright, so the accusation would be murder and then your defense is practical joke.
DR. NOSTRUM
And it’s a.. no, it’s a plea, it’s a plea. The plea is, it was a Practical Joke that went wrong, which is not as serious as manslaughter.
HUTCHBACK
Yes. So then they’d have to come up with a...
DR. NOSTRUM
Sentence tariff.
HUTCHBACK
...crime and a sentence called Practical Joke. Yep, I think that’s perfectly reasonable.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yep. Ok, so that’s one.
HUTCHBACK
That’s one, we’ve cracked one prediction.
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