DR. NOSTRUM
I guess industry actually started with stuff on the floor.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, cos there weren't any factories.
DR. NOSTRUM
If you didn't pick it up, you'd never have used any of it. That's the thing, really, it's just going back to the roots of industry.
HUTCHBACK
In fact...(pause - noises of chocolate eating sprinkle HUTCHBACK's speech for a while)
DR. NOSTRUM
Using things. You'd have to pick everything up off the floor...
HUTCHBACK
...quite literally, it was the first work.
DR. NOSTRUM
What? No...
HUTCHBACK
...that human beings did.
DR. NOSTRUM
...it might have been picking things off a tree.
HUTCHBACK
Pickin.. No, well, maybe. Bending down and picking something up, that was the first job.
DR. NOSTRUM
"So, what do you do?" "Oh, I pick things up."
HUTCHBACK
Mm.
DR. NOSTRUM
"Oh, really? You could probably get paid for that...
HUTCHBACK
Mm. Cause otherwise, you're lying around in a dirty cave...
DR. NOSTRUM
It's true, and you know what, the people who were better at it picked up better things...
HUTCHBACK
Yep...
DR. NOSTRUM
...and they could spot...
HUTCHBACK
...the ones who got up earlier in the morning. And that's where we ended up with our bloody nine to five. Cause the first cavemen who thought of this fantastic idea - picking things up – they were getting up around mid-day.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, and then they lost out to a local tribe who decided to get up earlier.
HUTCHBACK
Got up about 11.
DR. NOSTRUM
Maybe that's how they invented light, er, the fire. You know, cause they had to get up earlier.
HUTCHBACK
They had to get up so early...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, and how can we do it cos we can't see? And then they took out a stick of fire from the, uh, the cave.
HUTCHBACK
Mm.
DR. NOSTRUM
First torch. Invention of the night shift. (pause) Are you going to finish them?
HUTCHBACK
Huh?
DR. NOSTRUM
This is what you do? You do your exercise and then eat a box of chocolates?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah
DR. NOSTRUM
And that's how you maintain your weight?
HUTCHBACK
Well otherwise I'd lose too much weight wouldn't I?
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah.
HUTCHBACK
Losing weight quickly is not good for you, they say.
DR. NOSTRUM
No. I like that thing you told me about Victorian... Wasn't it a Victorian thing about, um, getting healthy and losing weight was to lie in bed all the time?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
That's good. A good idea. Couldn't get many trainers though, I mean there's not much of an industry there.
HUTCHBACK
"Go-on, burn, burn, push for the burn, lie down a bit longer! You wimp, you've only been lying down for 18 hours!"
Sunday, 18 January 2009
All Talk 44 - Medieval Health and Safety
DR. NOSTRUM
No, but we were talking about that because of Jew skin...
HUTCHBACK
Jew skin rugs.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, that was from something as well. Oh yeah, stuff off floors, that's it. Stuff off floors; Jews.. No, well, another thing about Jews, not that, er,
HUTCHBACK
Not that I'm racist.
DR. NOSTRUM
Not that I care. Um, I often thought that, um, Medieval Health and Safety, involved – cause you know we carry heavy things about?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah
DR. NOSTRUM
And I bust things, but, I don't think there was health and safety, but if there was, I reckon you had to put a Jew and a Black at the front of anything heavy that you were carrying downhill, or wherever, you know, in areas of danger...
HUTCHBACK
Jews, Blacks or Irish.
DR. NOSTRUM
Were there Irish, even in Medieval times?
HUTCHBACK
Well, they were Celtic perhaps.
DR. NOSTRUM
But that's probably what it was. The English would be at the back, whipping them – did they whip people then?
HUTCHBACK
I'm sure they did.
DR. NOSTRUM
There's no pictures of it. There's lots of pictures of Egyptians whipping.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, that's cause they had slaves.
DR. NOSTRUM
What, didn't we have slaves?
HUTCHBACK
No, we didn't have slaves...
HUTCHBACK
What, not till late, very late on?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah. It's funny that. All those years...
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, how did we control all the people before?
HUTCHBACK
Well they were serfs weren't they?
DR. NOSTRUM
But we didn't have whips!
HUTCHBACK
No, they didn't need whips.
DR. NOSTRUM
B.. oh, arrows.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, they had men on horses with bows.
DR. NOSTRUM
Bows. So actually they completely bypassed whips in England.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, they went straight to arrows.
DR. NOSTRUM
Arrows. Yeah.
HUTCHBACK
Swords as well.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well arrows, I guess, were like swords from a distance.
HUTCHBACK
Not as effective at killing someone. You know, you'd probably survive an arrow, unless it went in somewhere vital.
DR. NOSTRUM
I don't know, you know, a bit of wood, stone, metal, whatever – get infected, very nasty - without a doctor to put it right. Just like today.
No, but we were talking about that because of Jew skin...
HUTCHBACK
Jew skin rugs.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, that was from something as well. Oh yeah, stuff off floors, that's it. Stuff off floors; Jews.. No, well, another thing about Jews, not that, er,
HUTCHBACK
Not that I'm racist.
DR. NOSTRUM
Not that I care. Um, I often thought that, um, Medieval Health and Safety, involved – cause you know we carry heavy things about?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah
DR. NOSTRUM
And I bust things, but, I don't think there was health and safety, but if there was, I reckon you had to put a Jew and a Black at the front of anything heavy that you were carrying downhill, or wherever, you know, in areas of danger...
HUTCHBACK
Jews, Blacks or Irish.
DR. NOSTRUM
Were there Irish, even in Medieval times?
HUTCHBACK
Well, they were Celtic perhaps.
DR. NOSTRUM
But that's probably what it was. The English would be at the back, whipping them – did they whip people then?
HUTCHBACK
I'm sure they did.
DR. NOSTRUM
There's no pictures of it. There's lots of pictures of Egyptians whipping.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, that's cause they had slaves.
DR. NOSTRUM
What, didn't we have slaves?
HUTCHBACK
No, we didn't have slaves...
HUTCHBACK
What, not till late, very late on?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah. It's funny that. All those years...
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, how did we control all the people before?
HUTCHBACK
Well they were serfs weren't they?
DR. NOSTRUM
But we didn't have whips!
HUTCHBACK
No, they didn't need whips.
DR. NOSTRUM
B.. oh, arrows.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, they had men on horses with bows.
DR. NOSTRUM
Bows. So actually they completely bypassed whips in England.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, they went straight to arrows.
DR. NOSTRUM
Arrows. Yeah.
HUTCHBACK
Swords as well.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well arrows, I guess, were like swords from a distance.
HUTCHBACK
Not as effective at killing someone. You know, you'd probably survive an arrow, unless it went in somewhere vital.
DR. NOSTRUM
I don't know, you know, a bit of wood, stone, metal, whatever – get infected, very nasty - without a doctor to put it right. Just like today.
All Talk 43 - Dumb Retail
DR. NOSTRUM
I had a good dumb retail experience today. I was in the pet shop and asked if they had any cat food samples. So the 20 something counter girl says yes and asks the assistant 16 or 17 year old girl to get some, it's behind the door. So the other girl disappears behind the door and rummages around for a bit then comes back with a packet with a picture of a dog on it and says "Is this it?" so the other girl goes "No, the cat food ones have a picture of a cat on them." I said "Yes, it's the secret code." Cause of course the secret code of pet food is...
HUTCHBACK
...A picture of the animal. "Got any parrot food?" she comes out with a huge bag with a picture of an Elephant on it.
DR. NOSTRUM
I didn't get a smile.
HUTCHBACK
No.
I had a good dumb retail experience today. I was in the pet shop and asked if they had any cat food samples. So the 20 something counter girl says yes and asks the assistant 16 or 17 year old girl to get some, it's behind the door. So the other girl disappears behind the door and rummages around for a bit then comes back with a packet with a picture of a dog on it and says "Is this it?" so the other girl goes "No, the cat food ones have a picture of a cat on them." I said "Yes, it's the secret code." Cause of course the secret code of pet food is...
HUTCHBACK
...A picture of the animal. "Got any parrot food?" she comes out with a huge bag with a picture of an Elephant on it.
DR. NOSTRUM
I didn't get a smile.
HUTCHBACK
No.
All Talk 42 - Jew Skin Rugs and The Great White Moyl
DR. NOSTRUM
So, basically, that Neutrogena hand cream is a by-product product, isn't it? It's all the stuff on the floor; they stuff it in a vat, boil it and then sell it to us to put on our hands.
HUTCHBACK
It's this old one again. You know what, you can make an entire...
DR. NOSTRUM
Universe
HUTCHBACK
...Economy out of all the stuff...
DR. NOSTRUM
On the floor.
HUTCHBACK
...on the floor all swept up and turned into something else.
DR. NOSTRUM
By-product products is a definite industry, I don't know how long it's been going,
probably always...
HUTCHBACK
It's like the lampshade industry out of Auschwitz.
DR. NOSTRUM
Skin.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
Bits of skin. So the Nazi's had a by-product industry actually...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, they were quite innovative.
DR. NOSTRUM
Why didn't they just throw it all away? That's the thing.
HUTCHBACK
You know...
DR. NOSTRUM
What was the point of keeping any of it? Very Jewish actually.
HUTCHBACK
It's for prestige isn't it? You know, if you had a Jew-skin...
DR. NOSTRUM
Actually, thinking about that, it wasn't Jews, but.. cos that's not popular – maybe in the medieval times it was – but, um...
HUTCHBACK
"I've got a Jew-skin rug"
DR. NOSTRUM
Anyway, true story; Aristotle Onasis...
HUTCHBACK
Cos they do have quite.. have hairy chests.
DR. NOSTRUM
Hairy Jews were in danger! They were an endangered species.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, I mean, it's quite a nice rug.
DR. NOSTRUM
Hairy Back. So if you had a very hairy back – a Jewish hairy back...
HUTCHBACK
They were highly prized.
DR. NOSTRUM
...you wanted to shave your back, otherwise, if the inquisition got hold of you, you'd be for it. You'd be ending up on...
HUTCHBACK
You'd be in at least one, if not two, living rooms. Depends how hairy your chest was.
(pause) I guess, but the thing is, they're not big enough really.
DR. NOSTRUM
No. But maybe toilet mats?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, toilet mats and bathroom mats.
DR. NOSTRUM
Much more appropriate. (pause) But anyway, Aristotle Onasis had whale foreskin leather bar stools.
HUTCHBACK
Nice.
DR. NOSTRUM
Isn't that classy? I mean where do you get whale foreskins from?
HUTCHBACK
From whales. From Jewish whales.
DR. NOSTRUM
But who.. I mean the thing is...
HUTCHBACK
You get a Great White Moyl and he takes of the foreskin with.. (mimes a bite)
DR. NOSTRUM
With his teeth. (pause) I always sang "Moon river, wider than a Moyl." Didn't mean anything, but it sings well. But, (back to Aristotle) what I didn't get was that that was presented as if that was tasteful...
HUTCHBACK
The height...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. That somehow that's what great wealth allowed you to do and it was something to aspire to.
HUTCHBACK
Maybe it's very, very soft leather.
DR. NOSTRUM
It probably was.
HUTCHBACK
The foreskin.
DR. NOSTRUM
The foreskin of a whale, well, it's not leather is it? It's something like chagreen.
HUTCHBACK
Chagreen! No, it's some kind of.. It's whale skin, isn't it.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well it's not called leather.
HUTCHBACK
Alright, but it's thick hide. Whale foreskin. You'd have thought that a better, a more supple material, would be not the foreskin but the tip of the penis.
DR. NOSTRUM
Cause it's more sensitive?
HUTCHBACK
It's more sensitive.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, but not to the person sitting on the stool.
HUTCHBACK
No...
DR. NOSTRUM
It's just more sensitive to the whale, it might not be better quality leather.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, but foreskin, exposed to the sea – barnacles...
DR. NOSTRUM
No, cause it's inside of it, isn't it? Presumably they weren't circumcised, so, you know...
HUTCHBACK
Who knows whether it's the inside or the outside.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, it's the inside isn't it, cause the foreskin..
HUTCHBACK
It could be the outside.
DR. NOSTRUM
Only if it had an erection.
HUTCHBACK
No, what are you talking about, the foreskin just sits there, exposed (pause) to the elements.
DR. NOSTRUM
Hmm.
HUTCHBACK
You know.
DR. NOSTRUM
I'm not sure it does. In a whale I think it's inside a pouch.
HUTCHBACK
How do you know so much about whale foreskins?!
DR. NOSTRUM
I don't, no, it's cos I'm thinking about dolphin penises. They come out (pause) and when they're not out, they're in.
HUTCHBACK
Yes, that's true.
DR. NOSTRUM
They're not dogs, they're not hanging out there for all to see, they're inside.
HUTCHBACK
Well of course, cause it's not aerodynamic.
DR. NOSTRUM
They could use it like a rudder!
HUTCHBACK
So in reality, they don't have foreskins as such, not in the conventional sense. They have a cover...
DR. NOSTRUM
Well apparently they were made from whale foreskin.
HUTCHBACK
Oh, for the internet. If we had the internet we could look it up now.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, but this is the 1980's, so you can't.
HUTCHBACK
Yes, this is the 1980's.
So, basically, that Neutrogena hand cream is a by-product product, isn't it? It's all the stuff on the floor; they stuff it in a vat, boil it and then sell it to us to put on our hands.
HUTCHBACK
It's this old one again. You know what, you can make an entire...
DR. NOSTRUM
Universe
HUTCHBACK
...Economy out of all the stuff...
DR. NOSTRUM
On the floor.
HUTCHBACK
...on the floor all swept up and turned into something else.
DR. NOSTRUM
By-product products is a definite industry, I don't know how long it's been going,
probably always...
HUTCHBACK
It's like the lampshade industry out of Auschwitz.
DR. NOSTRUM
Skin.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
Bits of skin. So the Nazi's had a by-product industry actually...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, they were quite innovative.
DR. NOSTRUM
Why didn't they just throw it all away? That's the thing.
HUTCHBACK
You know...
DR. NOSTRUM
What was the point of keeping any of it? Very Jewish actually.
HUTCHBACK
It's for prestige isn't it? You know, if you had a Jew-skin...
DR. NOSTRUM
Actually, thinking about that, it wasn't Jews, but.. cos that's not popular – maybe in the medieval times it was – but, um...
HUTCHBACK
"I've got a Jew-skin rug"
DR. NOSTRUM
Anyway, true story; Aristotle Onasis...
HUTCHBACK
Cos they do have quite.. have hairy chests.
DR. NOSTRUM
Hairy Jews were in danger! They were an endangered species.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, I mean, it's quite a nice rug.
DR. NOSTRUM
Hairy Back. So if you had a very hairy back – a Jewish hairy back...
HUTCHBACK
They were highly prized.
DR. NOSTRUM
...you wanted to shave your back, otherwise, if the inquisition got hold of you, you'd be for it. You'd be ending up on...
HUTCHBACK
You'd be in at least one, if not two, living rooms. Depends how hairy your chest was.
(pause) I guess, but the thing is, they're not big enough really.
DR. NOSTRUM
No. But maybe toilet mats?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, toilet mats and bathroom mats.
DR. NOSTRUM
Much more appropriate. (pause) But anyway, Aristotle Onasis had whale foreskin leather bar stools.
HUTCHBACK
Nice.
DR. NOSTRUM
Isn't that classy? I mean where do you get whale foreskins from?
HUTCHBACK
From whales. From Jewish whales.
DR. NOSTRUM
But who.. I mean the thing is...
HUTCHBACK
You get a Great White Moyl and he takes of the foreskin with.. (mimes a bite)
DR. NOSTRUM
With his teeth. (pause) I always sang "Moon river, wider than a Moyl." Didn't mean anything, but it sings well. But, (back to Aristotle) what I didn't get was that that was presented as if that was tasteful...
HUTCHBACK
The height...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. That somehow that's what great wealth allowed you to do and it was something to aspire to.
HUTCHBACK
Maybe it's very, very soft leather.
DR. NOSTRUM
It probably was.
HUTCHBACK
The foreskin.
DR. NOSTRUM
The foreskin of a whale, well, it's not leather is it? It's something like chagreen.
HUTCHBACK
Chagreen! No, it's some kind of.. It's whale skin, isn't it.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well it's not called leather.
HUTCHBACK
Alright, but it's thick hide. Whale foreskin. You'd have thought that a better, a more supple material, would be not the foreskin but the tip of the penis.
DR. NOSTRUM
Cause it's more sensitive?
HUTCHBACK
It's more sensitive.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, but not to the person sitting on the stool.
HUTCHBACK
No...
DR. NOSTRUM
It's just more sensitive to the whale, it might not be better quality leather.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, but foreskin, exposed to the sea – barnacles...
DR. NOSTRUM
No, cause it's inside of it, isn't it? Presumably they weren't circumcised, so, you know...
HUTCHBACK
Who knows whether it's the inside or the outside.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, it's the inside isn't it, cause the foreskin..
HUTCHBACK
It could be the outside.
DR. NOSTRUM
Only if it had an erection.
HUTCHBACK
No, what are you talking about, the foreskin just sits there, exposed (pause) to the elements.
DR. NOSTRUM
Hmm.
HUTCHBACK
You know.
DR. NOSTRUM
I'm not sure it does. In a whale I think it's inside a pouch.
HUTCHBACK
How do you know so much about whale foreskins?!
DR. NOSTRUM
I don't, no, it's cos I'm thinking about dolphin penises. They come out (pause) and when they're not out, they're in.
HUTCHBACK
Yes, that's true.
DR. NOSTRUM
They're not dogs, they're not hanging out there for all to see, they're inside.
HUTCHBACK
Well of course, cause it's not aerodynamic.
DR. NOSTRUM
They could use it like a rudder!
HUTCHBACK
So in reality, they don't have foreskins as such, not in the conventional sense. They have a cover...
DR. NOSTRUM
Well apparently they were made from whale foreskin.
HUTCHBACK
Oh, for the internet. If we had the internet we could look it up now.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, but this is the 1980's, so you can't.
HUTCHBACK
Yes, this is the 1980's.
All Talk 41 - The Goldilocks Thesis and Tantric Shitting
DR. NOSTRUM
If it was funny it would be interesting...
HUTCHBACK
No, the thing is, I wasn't about to say anything nasty.
DR. NOSTRUM
Like, for example, a wedding speech in reality, rather than on film where the best man eulogises about the size of the groom's shit is a reasonably amusing concept.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, the size, volume and quantity.
DR. NOSTRUM
As a good thing in a prospective husband is, you know, for the parents in law, not what you want to hear, but, it stays with them.
HUTCHBACK
You've got to be able to pinch out a good length, basically.
DR. NOSTRUM
(pause) I wish you could pinch it out. That would be good if you could pinch it off at the length required, (pause) like sausages. Not that you can.
HUTCHBACK
If you had a very muscular...
DR. NOSTRUM
Anus.
HUTCHBACK
...arsehole.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. Well, maybe some people can do that, I don't know, I suppose they can?
HUTCHBACK
Surely it depends on the consistency...
DR. NOSTRUM
Tantric shitters probably can.
HUTCHBACK
No, if it's a very soft turd you probably could.
DR. NOSTRUM
I would have thought it'd have to have a reasonable consistency to be able to do it.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah
DR. NOSTRUM
But tantric shitters probably can...
HUTCHBACK
I think you're looking for, like, the Goldilocks of shit...
DR. NOSTRUM
Goldilocks?
HUTCHBACK
...not too hard, not too soft. Not too hot, not too cold.
DR. NOSTRUM
Goldilocks? What, was she hot or cold?
HUTCHBACK
No! Cos she...
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, the bed?
HUTCHBACK
...liked it just right didn't she?
DR. NOSTRUM
Did she? Oh, (pause) is that what the tale was basically.. an analogy about?
HUTCHBACK
I'm not entirely...
DR. NOSTRUM
Probably was.
HUTCHBACK
...sure if it was an analogy for Coprophilia, for Goldilocks. I was just using it as a metaphor. Cos she liked her porridge not too hot, not too cold, but just right, so you could say...
DR. NOSTRUM
It is an analogous fairytale actually. I never really saw that before. Not just Coprophilia, but sex, probably sex. It's probably about sex. (pause) Which is why the bears all get in bed. They get into bed and...
HUTCHBACK
You know, daddy's too big, baby's...
DR. NOSTRUM
...too small. So she was.. It's a lesbian...
HUTCHBACK
It's a.. She's a.. Basically, it's a lesbian analogy.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yes
HUTCHBACK
Not just lesbian. Bestial.
DR. NOSTRUM
A bestial, lesbian, coprophiliac analogy.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
That's the thesis.
HUTCHBACK
Although the coprophilia is a bit of a strain, literally, it's a bit of a push. It's a bit of a leap.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, well, we got there from the wrong thing, but...
HUTCHBACK
All I meant was...
DR. NOSTRUM
To do it
HUTCHBACK
...in order to use your arse muscles to properly pinch off half way through a turd it has to be the righ.. Cos obviously, too loose and there's nothing to pinch, it would obviously come out in a long stream. Too hard and you'd never get through it.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well it's never that hard. How hard does a turd have to be that you can't chop through it? I mean how many turds can't you chop through for God's sake? It's not like we shit bones or anything.
HUTCHBACK
No, but you know, sometimes those very dark, peaty ones. Those kind of dense...
DR. NOSTRUM
But they're never so hard.. presumably, a turd is never too hard for an anus to chop through it? I don't think that's possible. I don't think that's possible, otherwise if you couldn't follow through you'd be walking around with that turd sticking out your arse (pause) unless you pulled it out with your hand. Anyway, it's not that interesting to me – about shit.
HUTCHBACK
Well, no, this is the basis for all comedy, surely, talking about shit?
DR. NOSTRUM
Well I'm not a fan of toilet humour, but, the idea of tantric shitting – I can imagine there probably are people who have such control over their guts that can..
HUTCHBACK
..shit out animal shapes.
DR. NOSTRUM
(pause) Well, you'd have to have a very wide anus to do that, but, you know...
HUTCHBACK
Well, you know, as long as the animals are reasonably symmetrical.
DR. NOSTRUM
Most animals are symmetrical. (thinks) What animals aren't symmetrical?
HUTCHBACK
Well, beyond a snake, obviously, that doesn't require much, but no, that would be a talent.
DR. NOSTRUM
(still pursuing the unknown) All animals are symmetrical.
HUTCHBACK
That would be a talent.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, it would be a talent. Can you imagine that on 'The Generation Game'? No, but I would say, if you did that, if you could pinch one off, you then, presumably, cause you've practiced, have the guts to pull what's left...
HUTCHBACK
Draw it back.
DR. NOSTRUM
...back up.
HUTCHBACK
Draw it back up to take more energy out of it.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, you draw it back up so you don't get a skid mark, that's the point. If someone could just do that...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
I think animals can do that can't they?
HUTCHBACK
Tantric, self cleaning anus.
DR. NOSTRUM
That animals...
HUTCHBACK
Animals can't do that! What are you talking about? Have you never seen a dog running around with...
DR. NOSTRUM
Turds falling out their arse.
HUTCHBACK
...turds dripping out of it's f..
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, but that's just cos they're not feeling well.
HUTCHBACK
No.
DR. NOSTRUM
They can do most of that on demand. You know, they can stop a shit.
HUTCHBACK
I don't think they can.
DR. NOSTRUM
You don't think so? (long pause) That's too much shit. How did we get there? Ah, yes, the wedding speech.
HUTCHBACK
It wasn't our fault, it was the wedding speech that did it.
If it was funny it would be interesting...
HUTCHBACK
No, the thing is, I wasn't about to say anything nasty.
DR. NOSTRUM
Like, for example, a wedding speech in reality, rather than on film where the best man eulogises about the size of the groom's shit is a reasonably amusing concept.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, the size, volume and quantity.
DR. NOSTRUM
As a good thing in a prospective husband is, you know, for the parents in law, not what you want to hear, but, it stays with them.
HUTCHBACK
You've got to be able to pinch out a good length, basically.
DR. NOSTRUM
(pause) I wish you could pinch it out. That would be good if you could pinch it off at the length required, (pause) like sausages. Not that you can.
HUTCHBACK
If you had a very muscular...
DR. NOSTRUM
Anus.
HUTCHBACK
...arsehole.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. Well, maybe some people can do that, I don't know, I suppose they can?
HUTCHBACK
Surely it depends on the consistency...
DR. NOSTRUM
Tantric shitters probably can.
HUTCHBACK
No, if it's a very soft turd you probably could.
DR. NOSTRUM
I would have thought it'd have to have a reasonable consistency to be able to do it.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah
DR. NOSTRUM
But tantric shitters probably can...
HUTCHBACK
I think you're looking for, like, the Goldilocks of shit...
DR. NOSTRUM
Goldilocks?
HUTCHBACK
...not too hard, not too soft. Not too hot, not too cold.
DR. NOSTRUM
Goldilocks? What, was she hot or cold?
HUTCHBACK
No! Cos she...
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, the bed?
HUTCHBACK
...liked it just right didn't she?
DR. NOSTRUM
Did she? Oh, (pause) is that what the tale was basically.. an analogy about?
HUTCHBACK
I'm not entirely...
DR. NOSTRUM
Probably was.
HUTCHBACK
...sure if it was an analogy for Coprophilia, for Goldilocks. I was just using it as a metaphor. Cos she liked her porridge not too hot, not too cold, but just right, so you could say...
DR. NOSTRUM
It is an analogous fairytale actually. I never really saw that before. Not just Coprophilia, but sex, probably sex. It's probably about sex. (pause) Which is why the bears all get in bed. They get into bed and...
HUTCHBACK
You know, daddy's too big, baby's...
DR. NOSTRUM
...too small. So she was.. It's a lesbian...
HUTCHBACK
It's a.. She's a.. Basically, it's a lesbian analogy.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yes
HUTCHBACK
Not just lesbian. Bestial.
DR. NOSTRUM
A bestial, lesbian, coprophiliac analogy.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
That's the thesis.
HUTCHBACK
Although the coprophilia is a bit of a strain, literally, it's a bit of a push. It's a bit of a leap.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, well, we got there from the wrong thing, but...
HUTCHBACK
All I meant was...
DR. NOSTRUM
To do it
HUTCHBACK
...in order to use your arse muscles to properly pinch off half way through a turd it has to be the righ.. Cos obviously, too loose and there's nothing to pinch, it would obviously come out in a long stream. Too hard and you'd never get through it.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well it's never that hard. How hard does a turd have to be that you can't chop through it? I mean how many turds can't you chop through for God's sake? It's not like we shit bones or anything.
HUTCHBACK
No, but you know, sometimes those very dark, peaty ones. Those kind of dense...
DR. NOSTRUM
But they're never so hard.. presumably, a turd is never too hard for an anus to chop through it? I don't think that's possible. I don't think that's possible, otherwise if you couldn't follow through you'd be walking around with that turd sticking out your arse (pause) unless you pulled it out with your hand. Anyway, it's not that interesting to me – about shit.
HUTCHBACK
Well, no, this is the basis for all comedy, surely, talking about shit?
DR. NOSTRUM
Well I'm not a fan of toilet humour, but, the idea of tantric shitting – I can imagine there probably are people who have such control over their guts that can..
HUTCHBACK
..shit out animal shapes.
DR. NOSTRUM
(pause) Well, you'd have to have a very wide anus to do that, but, you know...
HUTCHBACK
Well, you know, as long as the animals are reasonably symmetrical.
DR. NOSTRUM
Most animals are symmetrical. (thinks) What animals aren't symmetrical?
HUTCHBACK
Well, beyond a snake, obviously, that doesn't require much, but no, that would be a talent.
DR. NOSTRUM
(still pursuing the unknown) All animals are symmetrical.
HUTCHBACK
That would be a talent.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, it would be a talent. Can you imagine that on 'The Generation Game'? No, but I would say, if you did that, if you could pinch one off, you then, presumably, cause you've practiced, have the guts to pull what's left...
HUTCHBACK
Draw it back.
DR. NOSTRUM
...back up.
HUTCHBACK
Draw it back up to take more energy out of it.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, you draw it back up so you don't get a skid mark, that's the point. If someone could just do that...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
I think animals can do that can't they?
HUTCHBACK
Tantric, self cleaning anus.
DR. NOSTRUM
That animals...
HUTCHBACK
Animals can't do that! What are you talking about? Have you never seen a dog running around with...
DR. NOSTRUM
Turds falling out their arse.
HUTCHBACK
...turds dripping out of it's f..
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, but that's just cos they're not feeling well.
HUTCHBACK
No.
DR. NOSTRUM
They can do most of that on demand. You know, they can stop a shit.
HUTCHBACK
I don't think they can.
DR. NOSTRUM
You don't think so? (long pause) That's too much shit. How did we get there? Ah, yes, the wedding speech.
HUTCHBACK
It wasn't our fault, it was the wedding speech that did it.
The History of The U.S. U.K. Gallon discrepancy.
It was none other than Frederick Bean (Tex) Avery, the creator of Daffy Duck, Droopy and Mickey Mantle, that prompted the creation of the small U.S. gallon.
Dr Nostrum recalls fondly the free-wheelin' wind up the skirts holiday with Tex and J Edgar Hoover that caused the final parting of the ways with the Mother country. Neither Tex nor J Edgar liked Fred Quimby much, so he never came along.
J Edgar had been in one of his Texan phases, really for the benefit of Tex, who was the ideal man to lap it all up. On one of the lazier afternoon's J Edgar was sauntering around in his 8.32 Gallon Hat, waving it at all and sundry and flashing a bit of leg. Getting no response, Tex felt the need to big J Edgar up and began insisting that he was a bigger man than an 8.3, and that J Edgar was a 10 all the way in his eyes. And any man that's a 10 should be wearing a 10 gallon hat.
Unfortunately the 10 gallon hat was too big for J Edgar and thus the 8.3 was renamed. The measurement system soon followed with J Edgar reasoning that there was a great psychological benefit to all Americans of being able to say that they could fill up anything with more gallons than their European competitors could for the same amount of work.
Dr Nostrum recalls fondly the free-wheelin' wind up the skirts holiday with Tex and J Edgar Hoover that caused the final parting of the ways with the Mother country. Neither Tex nor J Edgar liked Fred Quimby much, so he never came along.
J Edgar had been in one of his Texan phases, really for the benefit of Tex, who was the ideal man to lap it all up. On one of the lazier afternoon's J Edgar was sauntering around in his 8.32 Gallon Hat, waving it at all and sundry and flashing a bit of leg. Getting no response, Tex felt the need to big J Edgar up and began insisting that he was a bigger man than an 8.3, and that J Edgar was a 10 all the way in his eyes. And any man that's a 10 should be wearing a 10 gallon hat.
Unfortunately the 10 gallon hat was too big for J Edgar and thus the 8.3 was renamed. The measurement system soon followed with J Edgar reasoning that there was a great psychological benefit to all Americans of being able to say that they could fill up anything with more gallons than their European competitors could for the same amount of work.
Sweet Dreams Are Made of This - End Gazza Bombing Shreiks Lennox
Dr. Nostrum can today clear up several press errors after first hand news. Former Eurythmics frontman and ex-world heavyweight champion Lennox Lewis today urged Israel to end the bombing of ex-everything footballer Paul (Gazza) Gascoigne. Lewis claims to represent much of the boxing pop star world who, he says, are united in condemnation of "Israel's repeated interventions into Gazza, which have driven the poor man to near insanity, exacerbated by his being forced to carry round two ex-Mossad plastic ducks against his will wherever he goes." Lennox continued on in this vein until I fell asleep.
Meanwhile Israel continued to protect itself whilst simultaneously enhancing World peace prospects with surgical strikes in the worlds press, carefully targeted to avoid collateral opinions.
Dr. Nostrum says, these nations have been throwing rocks at each other for 5000 years so don't expect them to stop anytime soon.
Meanwhile Israel continued to protect itself whilst simultaneously enhancing World peace prospects with surgical strikes in the worlds press, carefully targeted to avoid collateral opinions.
Dr. Nostrum says, these nations have been throwing rocks at each other for 5000 years so don't expect them to stop anytime soon.
Thank You Clint, For The Beautiful Sleep
Dr. Nostrum has only had two truly deep sleeps in the last 13 years. Both were brought on by watching The Bridges Of Madison County. I can't say what it is for certain, but no more powerful soporific has entered my life.
The first sleep was inopportune, at the time I thought it had badly coloured a prospective romance with a small dark hairy girl. As it was I moved swiftly into a romance with a taller dark and though I think less genetically hairy, still a fairly hairy girl, if not controlled. It was somewhere near a first date - The Bridges Of Madison County - a winning film to show my caring side. I remember the Screen on The Green cinema, and the girl - the small one, and I think the film started, but then, nothing but the deepest sleep and I'm not sure I came out of it fully until the next day. I certainly don't remember taking her home.
13 years later and this time it was simply a random flick through the channel guide which brought me the chance to see what I had missed. I got as far as a note stuck on the side of a bridge, though I was already distracted and had started playing the guitar, but sometime soon after that I felt the deep need to go and lie down. I slept for 18 hours.
If there are any (presumably male) readers in desperate need of a cure for insomnia, you'd do worse than go out and buy the Blu-ray. That's a Dr's recommendation, remember.
The first sleep was inopportune, at the time I thought it had badly coloured a prospective romance with a small dark hairy girl. As it was I moved swiftly into a romance with a taller dark and though I think less genetically hairy, still a fairly hairy girl, if not controlled. It was somewhere near a first date - The Bridges Of Madison County - a winning film to show my caring side. I remember the Screen on The Green cinema, and the girl - the small one, and I think the film started, but then, nothing but the deepest sleep and I'm not sure I came out of it fully until the next day. I certainly don't remember taking her home.
13 years later and this time it was simply a random flick through the channel guide which brought me the chance to see what I had missed. I got as far as a note stuck on the side of a bridge, though I was already distracted and had started playing the guitar, but sometime soon after that I felt the deep need to go and lie down. I slept for 18 hours.
If there are any (presumably male) readers in desperate need of a cure for insomnia, you'd do worse than go out and buy the Blu-ray. That's a Dr's recommendation, remember.
All Talk 40 - Ignorant, Racist Fools
DR. NOSTRUM
It's not a big thing, but anyway – to point it out was an error.
HUTCHBACK
I'm moving my tea away from your feet because...
DR. NOSTRUM
They've got terrible balance.
HUTCHBACK
...well, not just that.
DR. NOSTRUM
I'll put socks on, I'll put socks on.
HUTCHBACK
No, it's ok...
DR. NOSTRUM
You'd still move your tea away would you?
HUTCHBACK
...now my tea is out of the way.
DR. NOSTRUM
(beat) Um, no, the error was pointing it out. How do you point out something that irritates you without someone getting really angry at you? It's that (pause) people thing isn't it?
HUTCHBACK
Mm. Yes.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, I mean, I told the guy I work with this week that he was an ignorant fool, so, you know, he took that very well.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
"Ignorant, racist fool." Or something like that.
HUTCHBACK
Right, well, there you go.
DR. NOSTRUM
But that's cos he's an ignorant, racist fool, but, he's not really, he just has that tendency.
HUTCHBACK
For being ignorant, foolish and racist.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yes. (pause) he's, um, a gentleman, er, that likes using "They" a lot. "They all.."
HUTCHBACK
(puts on knuckle-dragging voice) "They're all.. They're all.. ar, ar, ar."
DR. NOSTRUM
"They all want to kill us." " They all, you know, if you asked any of.. I'm telling you the truth, if you ask any of them how we improve things they'd say 'You have to be more like us.'"
HUTCHBACK
And which 'they' is this?
DR. NOSTRUM
Muslims
HUTCHBACK
Ah, Muslims! Is he Jewish?
DR. NOSTRUM
Nah, he's not Jewish, no. He's not Jewish, he's just, er, stressed out.
HUTCHBACK
He's just a cunt.
DR. NOSTRUM
He said to me, do I know any Muslims? As if all his friends are.. as if he lives in a.. Anyway! I was trying to point out to him..
HUTCHBACK
You said he said to you "Do you know any Muslims?"
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah
HUTCHBACK
And what did you say?
DR. NOSTRUM
I said. "One, maybe, but not a particularly good example of the trend you're talking about." and so, no, er, I..
HUTCHBACK
You know more than one Muslim, surely?
DR. NOSTRUM
No, probably not.
HUTCHBACK
Mrs. Hutchback's the only Muslim you know?
DR. NOSTRUM
No, hmm, I don't know, maybe my cat's Muslim, you know, my mum's not Muslim...
HUTCHBACK
No, that's true.
DR. NOSTRUM
None of my cousins are Muslim.
HUTCHBACK
No.
DR. NOSTRUM
And none of my friends are Muslim, except...
HUTCHBACK
What about the bloke in the local..?
DR. NOSTRUM
I don't know him, whoever he is. There must be a Muslim locally, but I don't know. Not that it matters, I was just trying to point out that, er, if the guy I work with was standing in front of a thousand Muslims and he was saying They this and They that, and You All want to do this and You All do that, they probably wouldn't appreciate it (pause) and that it would be slightly – in my own way I was trying to suggest that it would be slightly unfair to say something like that, but, er, he wasn't having it, really. So I called him an ignorant, racist fool. (Hutchback laughs) Which he actually took very well...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah...
DR. NOSTRUM
...cos I'm white.
HUTCHBACK
...for an ignorant, racist fool.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, he took it very well; he didn't kill me. Or even get angry in fact. I think he just accepted it cause it's true but he doesn't mind.
HUTCHBACK
(knuckle-dragger again) "I'm prowd tah be racist, it's what makes this country great!"
DR. NOSTRUM
No, he's not racist at all, he says, of course. He's not racist in any way.
HUTCHBACK
"I just don't like Muslims."
DR. NOSTRUM
He just doesn't like, um...
HUTCHBACK
Paki's
DR. NOSTRUM
He doesn't like people getting treated differently to him. He says we bend over backwards to give the advantage to all the minority interests in this country and we don't do anything for the, er, people that were born here. Or something like that.
HUTCHBACK
He's voting BNP then?
DR. NOSTRUM
I don't think he had the opportunity. But he did vote for Boris. (pause) I'm not sure that voting is that useful, anymore. Is it useful, do you think its useful? It's not politics, it's just.. it's only useful if it makes a difference. If you exchange one fool for another, what difference does that make?
HUTCHBACK
Well...
DR. NOSTRUM
You just have someone else to blame.
It's not a big thing, but anyway – to point it out was an error.
HUTCHBACK
I'm moving my tea away from your feet because...
DR. NOSTRUM
They've got terrible balance.
HUTCHBACK
...well, not just that.
DR. NOSTRUM
I'll put socks on, I'll put socks on.
HUTCHBACK
No, it's ok...
DR. NOSTRUM
You'd still move your tea away would you?
HUTCHBACK
...now my tea is out of the way.
DR. NOSTRUM
(beat) Um, no, the error was pointing it out. How do you point out something that irritates you without someone getting really angry at you? It's that (pause) people thing isn't it?
HUTCHBACK
Mm. Yes.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, I mean, I told the guy I work with this week that he was an ignorant fool, so, you know, he took that very well.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
"Ignorant, racist fool." Or something like that.
HUTCHBACK
Right, well, there you go.
DR. NOSTRUM
But that's cos he's an ignorant, racist fool, but, he's not really, he just has that tendency.
HUTCHBACK
For being ignorant, foolish and racist.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yes. (pause) he's, um, a gentleman, er, that likes using "They" a lot. "They all.."
HUTCHBACK
(puts on knuckle-dragging voice) "They're all.. They're all.. ar, ar, ar."
DR. NOSTRUM
"They all want to kill us." " They all, you know, if you asked any of.. I'm telling you the truth, if you ask any of them how we improve things they'd say 'You have to be more like us.'"
HUTCHBACK
And which 'they' is this?
DR. NOSTRUM
Muslims
HUTCHBACK
Ah, Muslims! Is he Jewish?
DR. NOSTRUM
Nah, he's not Jewish, no. He's not Jewish, he's just, er, stressed out.
HUTCHBACK
He's just a cunt.
DR. NOSTRUM
He said to me, do I know any Muslims? As if all his friends are.. as if he lives in a.. Anyway! I was trying to point out to him..
HUTCHBACK
You said he said to you "Do you know any Muslims?"
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah
HUTCHBACK
And what did you say?
DR. NOSTRUM
I said. "One, maybe, but not a particularly good example of the trend you're talking about." and so, no, er, I..
HUTCHBACK
You know more than one Muslim, surely?
DR. NOSTRUM
No, probably not.
HUTCHBACK
Mrs. Hutchback's the only Muslim you know?
DR. NOSTRUM
No, hmm, I don't know, maybe my cat's Muslim, you know, my mum's not Muslim...
HUTCHBACK
No, that's true.
DR. NOSTRUM
None of my cousins are Muslim.
HUTCHBACK
No.
DR. NOSTRUM
And none of my friends are Muslim, except...
HUTCHBACK
What about the bloke in the local..?
DR. NOSTRUM
I don't know him, whoever he is. There must be a Muslim locally, but I don't know. Not that it matters, I was just trying to point out that, er, if the guy I work with was standing in front of a thousand Muslims and he was saying They this and They that, and You All want to do this and You All do that, they probably wouldn't appreciate it (pause) and that it would be slightly – in my own way I was trying to suggest that it would be slightly unfair to say something like that, but, er, he wasn't having it, really. So I called him an ignorant, racist fool. (Hutchback laughs) Which he actually took very well...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah...
DR. NOSTRUM
...cos I'm white.
HUTCHBACK
...for an ignorant, racist fool.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, he took it very well; he didn't kill me. Or even get angry in fact. I think he just accepted it cause it's true but he doesn't mind.
HUTCHBACK
(knuckle-dragger again) "I'm prowd tah be racist, it's what makes this country great!"
DR. NOSTRUM
No, he's not racist at all, he says, of course. He's not racist in any way.
HUTCHBACK
"I just don't like Muslims."
DR. NOSTRUM
He just doesn't like, um...
HUTCHBACK
Paki's
DR. NOSTRUM
He doesn't like people getting treated differently to him. He says we bend over backwards to give the advantage to all the minority interests in this country and we don't do anything for the, er, people that were born here. Or something like that.
HUTCHBACK
He's voting BNP then?
DR. NOSTRUM
I don't think he had the opportunity. But he did vote for Boris. (pause) I'm not sure that voting is that useful, anymore. Is it useful, do you think its useful? It's not politics, it's just.. it's only useful if it makes a difference. If you exchange one fool for another, what difference does that make?
HUTCHBACK
Well...
DR. NOSTRUM
You just have someone else to blame.
All Talk 39 - You Say It Best When You Don’t Talk (about Cat Frightening)
DR. NOSTRUM
So you're living in.. you're living in the pre-computer era?
HUTCHBACK
Yep. I've gone back to the 1980's. I was watching Ceefax the other night to see the football scores.
DR. NOSTRUM
That's good. It's not a great improvement actually, where we are now, because you end up doing a lot more looking at things and a lot less doing things.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, exactly, cos what we do now is turn the TV off. You flick through 4 channels, there's nothing on and you just turn it off.
DR. NOSTRUM
So does that mean you're getting on better with Mrs. Hutchback or worse? That's the thing, if we actually did have a society where we talked to each other more would we be getting on with each other better or worse?
HUTCHBACK
I would say worse. I would say worse, cos there's more opportunities for arguments, clearly. The less you talk, surely, the happier you are.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah.
HUTCHBACK
The less you talk to your wife, the happier you are.
DR. NOSTRUM
So that song should be "It's so great that we don't talk anymore." (pause). I always liked that song "You say it best when you say nothing at all." It seems that everybody that loves that song has entirely missed the joke.
HUTCHBACK
It's basically... "SHUT UP!"
DR. NOSTRUM
"SHUT UP!" That's right! Shut Up...
HUTCHBACK
Shut Up! And let me scratch my balls and watch the sport.
DR. NOSTRUM
That's right. I love you most when you're not talking to me. and it's become this great love song, that, you know, New Men, they think it's saying something wonderful, without the irony. "You say it best when you don't talk."
HUTCHBACK
"It's so funny how we don't talk anymore." It's not funny, it's much better.
DR. NOSTRUM
That's right (sings) "It's much better that we don't talk anymore." (continues the tune) "I'm so happy that we can't talk anymore." (pause) Oh Boy. Actually, I had another argument with, er , well, not another argument, M got pissed off with me again just before I came down here. (starts muttering) It might be a common thing, I'm a bit annoyed about that, never mind... (picks up again) See, this time I wasn't a cunt. I've been much, much less of a cunt this week.
HUTCHBACK
This week, I've achieved something; I've been less of a cunt.
HUTCHBACK
No, well, I would say I was quite conscious of the fact that, that...
HUTCHBACK
That last week you were a cunt.
HUTCHBACK
That last week, I.. I.. I was the architect of my own downfall. (pause) If that's not...
HUTCHBACK
Yes.
DR. NOSTRUM
...the wrong saying. Is that the right.. the wrong saying?
HUTCHBACK
No.
DR. NOSTRUM
Is that the right saying?
HUTCHBACK
Yes.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yes. (pause) But why were Architects.. what have downfalls got to do with Architects?
HUTCHBACK
No. Nothing, Architects build things, therefore you built your own...
DR. NOSTRUM
...Downfall. (pause) It's not the best saying is it? Anyway, This week..
HUTCHBACK
No, no, if you break it down it's not good, but it's quite a nice...
DR. NOSTRUM
It's a nice...
HUTCHBACK
...flow. "Streams of Architecture."
DR. NOSTRUM
...idiom. It felt wrong when I said it – "Architect of my own downfall." I felt it should be 'something else' of my own downfall.
HUTCHBACK
Sounds like you're Hitler or something.
DR. NOSTRUM
Anyway, this week I wasn't. But..
HUTCHBACK
"Beloved Cunt."
DR. NOSTRUM
This week I wasn't the Architect of my own downfall, but I did make a mistake.
HUTCHBACK
And what did you do?
DR. NOSTRUM
I, um.. I, um.. I, er, got a bit irritated that M was, er, frightening the cat.
HUTCHBACK
Cat frightening.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. I mean it's not a big thing, but I just have this great sympathy for...
HUTCHBACK
For dumb animals.
DR. NOSTRUM
...for animals. Well, I do! I do! Cos I was a dumb animal myself – when I was a kid – and I didn't like being, um...
TOGETHER
...Frightened...
So you're living in.. you're living in the pre-computer era?
HUTCHBACK
Yep. I've gone back to the 1980's. I was watching Ceefax the other night to see the football scores.
DR. NOSTRUM
That's good. It's not a great improvement actually, where we are now, because you end up doing a lot more looking at things and a lot less doing things.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, exactly, cos what we do now is turn the TV off. You flick through 4 channels, there's nothing on and you just turn it off.
DR. NOSTRUM
So does that mean you're getting on better with Mrs. Hutchback or worse? That's the thing, if we actually did have a society where we talked to each other more would we be getting on with each other better or worse?
HUTCHBACK
I would say worse. I would say worse, cos there's more opportunities for arguments, clearly. The less you talk, surely, the happier you are.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah.
HUTCHBACK
The less you talk to your wife, the happier you are.
DR. NOSTRUM
So that song should be "It's so great that we don't talk anymore." (pause). I always liked that song "You say it best when you say nothing at all." It seems that everybody that loves that song has entirely missed the joke.
HUTCHBACK
It's basically... "SHUT UP!"
DR. NOSTRUM
"SHUT UP!" That's right! Shut Up...
HUTCHBACK
Shut Up! And let me scratch my balls and watch the sport.
DR. NOSTRUM
That's right. I love you most when you're not talking to me. and it's become this great love song, that, you know, New Men, they think it's saying something wonderful, without the irony. "You say it best when you don't talk."
HUTCHBACK
"It's so funny how we don't talk anymore." It's not funny, it's much better.
DR. NOSTRUM
That's right (sings) "It's much better that we don't talk anymore." (continues the tune) "I'm so happy that we can't talk anymore." (pause) Oh Boy. Actually, I had another argument with, er , well, not another argument, M got pissed off with me again just before I came down here. (starts muttering) It might be a common thing, I'm a bit annoyed about that, never mind... (picks up again) See, this time I wasn't a cunt. I've been much, much less of a cunt this week.
HUTCHBACK
This week, I've achieved something; I've been less of a cunt.
HUTCHBACK
No, well, I would say I was quite conscious of the fact that, that...
HUTCHBACK
That last week you were a cunt.
HUTCHBACK
That last week, I.. I.. I was the architect of my own downfall. (pause) If that's not...
HUTCHBACK
Yes.
DR. NOSTRUM
...the wrong saying. Is that the right.. the wrong saying?
HUTCHBACK
No.
DR. NOSTRUM
Is that the right saying?
HUTCHBACK
Yes.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yes. (pause) But why were Architects.. what have downfalls got to do with Architects?
HUTCHBACK
No. Nothing, Architects build things, therefore you built your own...
DR. NOSTRUM
...Downfall. (pause) It's not the best saying is it? Anyway, This week..
HUTCHBACK
No, no, if you break it down it's not good, but it's quite a nice...
DR. NOSTRUM
It's a nice...
HUTCHBACK
...flow. "Streams of Architecture."
DR. NOSTRUM
...idiom. It felt wrong when I said it – "Architect of my own downfall." I felt it should be 'something else' of my own downfall.
HUTCHBACK
Sounds like you're Hitler or something.
DR. NOSTRUM
Anyway, this week I wasn't. But..
HUTCHBACK
"Beloved Cunt."
DR. NOSTRUM
This week I wasn't the Architect of my own downfall, but I did make a mistake.
HUTCHBACK
And what did you do?
DR. NOSTRUM
I, um.. I, um.. I, er, got a bit irritated that M was, er, frightening the cat.
HUTCHBACK
Cat frightening.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. I mean it's not a big thing, but I just have this great sympathy for...
HUTCHBACK
For dumb animals.
DR. NOSTRUM
...for animals. Well, I do! I do! Cos I was a dumb animal myself – when I was a kid – and I didn't like being, um...
TOGETHER
...Frightened...
All Talk 38 - In Depth London Politics
DR. NOSTRUM
...down with Boris.
HUTCHBACK
Fuck me. Boris Johnson. If Cameron gets in, leave the country.
DR. NOSTRUM
I'm trying. I'm trying to leave the country.
HUTCHBACK
No, I mean really leave the country. Leave the country now.
DR. NOSTRUM
I can't believe he's the Mayor.
HUTCHBACK
He is the Mayor.
DR. NOSTRUM
It's amazing isn't it, just another comedian.
HUTCHBACK
No, that's the trouble, he isn't a comedian, he's a fucking arsehole.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, he's an arsehole...
HUTCHBACK
He's a nasty cunt, actually.
DR. NOSTRUM
...but he has a good comedic presence.
HUTCHBACK
He looks like a comedian...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah.
HUTCHBACK
...but inside beats the heart of a cunt.
DR. NOSTRUM
Have you seen him presenting "Have I Got News For You?"
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, just the idea that you can ridicule someone who's now your Mayor...
HUTCHBACK
What, as if you couldn't ridicule Ken Livingstone?
DR. NOSTRUM
But at least he never presented TV programmes just to get a laugh.
HUTCHBACK
We're drifting into the realms of politics. It's a very worrying sign.
DR. NOSTRUM
It's not really politics.
HUTCHBACK
(he's gone rummaging in some kitchen cabinets) No, s'pose not.
...down with Boris.
HUTCHBACK
Fuck me. Boris Johnson. If Cameron gets in, leave the country.
DR. NOSTRUM
I'm trying. I'm trying to leave the country.
HUTCHBACK
No, I mean really leave the country. Leave the country now.
DR. NOSTRUM
I can't believe he's the Mayor.
HUTCHBACK
He is the Mayor.
DR. NOSTRUM
It's amazing isn't it, just another comedian.
HUTCHBACK
No, that's the trouble, he isn't a comedian, he's a fucking arsehole.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, he's an arsehole...
HUTCHBACK
He's a nasty cunt, actually.
DR. NOSTRUM
...but he has a good comedic presence.
HUTCHBACK
He looks like a comedian...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah.
HUTCHBACK
...but inside beats the heart of a cunt.
DR. NOSTRUM
Have you seen him presenting "Have I Got News For You?"
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, just the idea that you can ridicule someone who's now your Mayor...
HUTCHBACK
What, as if you couldn't ridicule Ken Livingstone?
DR. NOSTRUM
But at least he never presented TV programmes just to get a laugh.
HUTCHBACK
We're drifting into the realms of politics. It's a very worrying sign.
DR. NOSTRUM
It's not really politics.
HUTCHBACK
(he's gone rummaging in some kitchen cabinets) No, s'pose not.
All Talk 37 - The Sum Of Human Knowledge Is Nought, Whereas, Dog Knowledge...
HUTCHBACK
Anyway, er, at 200 seconds the Universe was 1 billion degrees centigrade. That's hot.
DR. NOSTRUM
That sounds like a guess as well.
HUTCHBACK
No, they know all this from..
DR. NOSTRUM
They don't know it, they don't know any of this stuff.
HUTCHBACK
No, this stuff they do know
DR. NOSTRUM
They don't know it, they don't know it, they just..
HUTCHBACK
They can measure it!
DR. NOSTRUM
N.. Well...
HUTCHBACK
They can see it in the background radiation and the movement of..
DR. NOSTRUM
They don't know it. The sum of all human knowledge is worthless.
HUTCHBACK
Hmm.
DR. NOSTRUM
I think that is incontestable.
HUTCHBACK
Incontestable means you can't contest it.
DR. NOSTRUM
Exactly. The sum of all human knowledge is worthless. I'd say that is incontestable.
HUTCHBACK
(not rising to the meagre bait) Oh. That's quite nice (shows pamphlet) an artists impression of a black hole.
DR. NOSTRUM
Whereas, the sum of all cat knowledge is even more worthless. So we're very high in the worthlessness stakes, that's what I would say.
HUTCHBACK
Mm.
DR. NOSTRUM
We're probably higher up in the worthlessness stakes than (pause) ants, or, (pause) chickens. I imagine we're quite high up there, but maybe not, maybe dogs know more about shit than we do.
HUTCHBACK
They know a lot about shit. They're experts actually.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, I didn't mean to slip into that kind of patois. Teenage patois...
HUTCHBACK
(puts on Jamaican accent) Ye-ah mon. Patois.
DR. NOSTRUM
...In any way suggesting that I might be...
HUTCHBACK
Down with the kids.
Anyway, er, at 200 seconds the Universe was 1 billion degrees centigrade. That's hot.
DR. NOSTRUM
That sounds like a guess as well.
HUTCHBACK
No, they know all this from..
DR. NOSTRUM
They don't know it, they don't know any of this stuff.
HUTCHBACK
No, this stuff they do know
DR. NOSTRUM
They don't know it, they don't know it, they just..
HUTCHBACK
They can measure it!
DR. NOSTRUM
N.. Well...
HUTCHBACK
They can see it in the background radiation and the movement of..
DR. NOSTRUM
They don't know it. The sum of all human knowledge is worthless.
HUTCHBACK
Hmm.
DR. NOSTRUM
I think that is incontestable.
HUTCHBACK
Incontestable means you can't contest it.
DR. NOSTRUM
Exactly. The sum of all human knowledge is worthless. I'd say that is incontestable.
HUTCHBACK
(not rising to the meagre bait) Oh. That's quite nice (shows pamphlet) an artists impression of a black hole.
DR. NOSTRUM
Whereas, the sum of all cat knowledge is even more worthless. So we're very high in the worthlessness stakes, that's what I would say.
HUTCHBACK
Mm.
DR. NOSTRUM
We're probably higher up in the worthlessness stakes than (pause) ants, or, (pause) chickens. I imagine we're quite high up there, but maybe not, maybe dogs know more about shit than we do.
HUTCHBACK
They know a lot about shit. They're experts actually.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, I didn't mean to slip into that kind of patois. Teenage patois...
HUTCHBACK
(puts on Jamaican accent) Ye-ah mon. Patois.
DR. NOSTRUM
...In any way suggesting that I might be...
HUTCHBACK
Down with the kids.
The Missing Fat Duck Recipes - Crispy Fried Cow Calamari with Dolphin Penis Bone Marrow Cubes
I have been leafing through that byword of the quick fix snack, The Fat Duck Cookbook (handily sized). But, knowing Heston as I don't I was surprised that some of the key recipes were missing from the hastily prepared tome. Dr. Nostrum will fill in the blanks over the coming months.
First, that crunchy peaen to cross species sodomy: Cow Calamari with Dolphin Penis Bone Marrow Cubes. I was remembering this dish just the other month across a table with the lovable soul singer Seal.
Just a note to say that Heston would never catch a Dolphin just for it's Penis Bone, he specifically only uses Dolphin accidentally killed in Tuna nets.
For the Cow Calamari
300g kobe rectum
50g table salt
500g water
Place the water in a container, add the salt and stir until dissolved. Refrigerate until cold, then add the rectum and refrigerate for 4 hours. Soak the rectum in changes of cold water for 2 hours. Preheat a water bath to 65 degrees C/149 degrees F. Seal the rectum in a sous-vide bag under full pressure for 2 hours. Remove and leave to stand at room temperature for 15 minutes. Transfer to room-temperature water for a further 15 minutes, then place in an ice bath to chill. Once cold, remove the rectum from the bag and peel away the membrane. Cut across the rectum creating O-shaped slices of 3-4mm width and place in a container in a single layer. Cover and refrigerate until needed.
For the Penis Bone Marrow
500g (one) Dolphin Penis inc Bone
150g table salt approx
Fillet the Penis and skin each fillet, trimming away any dark flesh, blood or cartilage, reserve the flesh. Taking the bone, using a heavy cleaver cut the bone first into halves and second, cut one of the halves into 5cm pieces. Cover the penis bones with cold salted water (50g salt for every 1kg water) and refrigerate for 24hrs, changing the water every 4 hours. Soak the bones in several changes of cold water for 30 minutes. Push the marrow out of the bones and place on kitchen paper to dry. Cut into cubes 7mm square and refrigerate until needed.
For the Crispy Fried Cow Calamari and Penis Marrow Bone Cubes
100g panko breadcrumbs
2 eggs
groundnut oil
grapeseed oil
reserved Penis Marrow bone cubes
reserved Cow Calamari
reserved half of Dolphin Penis Bone
0.5g chervil pluches
0.5g tarragon leaves
0.5g chives
0.5g flatleaf parsley leaves
Place the panko breadcrumbs in a large bowl. Whisk the eggs and 25g water in another bowl. Heat the oil in a deep-fat fryer to 180 degrees C/350 degrees F. Dip the Cow Calamari in the egg wash, shake off the excess and dredge in the panko, pressing the crumbs on to the outside. Set aside, then do the same with the Penis Bone Marrow Cubes. Cook batches of the Calamari in the fryer till golden brown all over. Drain on kitchen paper and season lightly with salt and freshly ground pepper. Heat some grapeseed oil in a shallow pan and fry 5 pieces of coated bone marrow per portion until crisp and golden. Drain them on kitchen paper and sprinkle salt over them. Cut the reserved Penis bone into lengths of 14cm using a fine junior hacksaw, wash to remove bone dust.
Using the Penis Bone lengths as a skewer for the Cow Calamari (not the Penis Bone Marrow - which separates the rings), serve 6 pieces of Cow Calamari per portion and the 5 pieces and Penis Bone Marrow Cube alternately laid on a paper-lined serving plate. Garnish with the crispy chervil leaves. At the last possible moment finely slice, rather than chop, the fresh herbs (to avoid damaging them with random cuts) and sprinkle over the skewer.
First, that crunchy peaen to cross species sodomy: Cow Calamari with Dolphin Penis Bone Marrow Cubes. I was remembering this dish just the other month across a table with the lovable soul singer Seal.
Just a note to say that Heston would never catch a Dolphin just for it's Penis Bone, he specifically only uses Dolphin accidentally killed in Tuna nets.
For the Cow Calamari
300g kobe rectum
50g table salt
500g water
Place the water in a container, add the salt and stir until dissolved. Refrigerate until cold, then add the rectum and refrigerate for 4 hours. Soak the rectum in changes of cold water for 2 hours. Preheat a water bath to 65 degrees C/149 degrees F. Seal the rectum in a sous-vide bag under full pressure for 2 hours. Remove and leave to stand at room temperature for 15 minutes. Transfer to room-temperature water for a further 15 minutes, then place in an ice bath to chill. Once cold, remove the rectum from the bag and peel away the membrane. Cut across the rectum creating O-shaped slices of 3-4mm width and place in a container in a single layer. Cover and refrigerate until needed.
For the Penis Bone Marrow
500g (one) Dolphin Penis inc Bone
150g table salt approx
Fillet the Penis and skin each fillet, trimming away any dark flesh, blood or cartilage, reserve the flesh. Taking the bone, using a heavy cleaver cut the bone first into halves and second, cut one of the halves into 5cm pieces. Cover the penis bones with cold salted water (50g salt for every 1kg water) and refrigerate for 24hrs, changing the water every 4 hours. Soak the bones in several changes of cold water for 30 minutes. Push the marrow out of the bones and place on kitchen paper to dry. Cut into cubes 7mm square and refrigerate until needed.
For the Crispy Fried Cow Calamari and Penis Marrow Bone Cubes
100g panko breadcrumbs
2 eggs
groundnut oil
grapeseed oil
reserved Penis Marrow bone cubes
reserved Cow Calamari
reserved half of Dolphin Penis Bone
0.5g chervil pluches
0.5g tarragon leaves
0.5g chives
0.5g flatleaf parsley leaves
Place the panko breadcrumbs in a large bowl. Whisk the eggs and 25g water in another bowl. Heat the oil in a deep-fat fryer to 180 degrees C/350 degrees F. Dip the Cow Calamari in the egg wash, shake off the excess and dredge in the panko, pressing the crumbs on to the outside. Set aside, then do the same with the Penis Bone Marrow Cubes. Cook batches of the Calamari in the fryer till golden brown all over. Drain on kitchen paper and season lightly with salt and freshly ground pepper. Heat some grapeseed oil in a shallow pan and fry 5 pieces of coated bone marrow per portion until crisp and golden. Drain them on kitchen paper and sprinkle salt over them. Cut the reserved Penis bone into lengths of 14cm using a fine junior hacksaw, wash to remove bone dust.
Using the Penis Bone lengths as a skewer for the Cow Calamari (not the Penis Bone Marrow - which separates the rings), serve 6 pieces of Cow Calamari per portion and the 5 pieces and Penis Bone Marrow Cube alternately laid on a paper-lined serving plate. Garnish with the crispy chervil leaves. At the last possible moment finely slice, rather than chop, the fresh herbs (to avoid damaging them with random cuts) and sprinkle over the skewer.
All Talk 37 - You say Electrons and I say Photons, Babies exist in different Frequencies
DR. NOSTRUM
Ah, no, no, that's already out of date isn't it?
HUTCHBACK
No.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well it is, it must be out of date cos they're not interested in electrons and that any more
HUTCHBACK
(spluttering) Y.. Of course they're inter.. Electrons allow..
DR. NOSTRUM
They're all passé
HUTCHBACK
Electrons allow electro-magnetism and light.
DR. NOSTRUM
But it's not...
HUTCHBACK
You can't have Light...
DR. NOSTRUM
...it's not electric, is it?
HUTCHBACK
No. You can't have light without electrons.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, you can't have light without photons.
HUTCHBACK
No, electrons.
(long pause as the Dr attempts to digest this)
DR. NOSTRUM
So what are photons? I thought photons were packets of light.
HUTCHBACK
Photons are light particles. But you need electrons in order for light to vibrate, cos light's also a wave.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, a wave's got a frequency, I know.
HUTCHBACK
And it makes electrons vibrate. (big sigh from the DR.) So, until electrons were about it couldn't vibrate, therefore you couldn't see light.
DR. NOSTRUM
It's not that interesting.
HUTCHBACK
It's not that interesting.
DR. NOSTRUM
It's not interesting cos it's all...
HUTCHBACK
It's all meaningless.
DR. NOSTRUM
...indistinct. Yeah, it's all a bit, you know.
HUTCHBACK
It's all about particles.
HUTCHBACK
What I kinda like; I like the idea that we're tuned into a particular frequency, like kind of a radio station, and this is our frequency and then there's all these other frequencies that we're not tuned into. Unless you take loads of drugs.
HUTCHBACK
Mmm.
DR. NOSTRUM
In which case, er, no-one else is tuned into your particular frequency.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah. The Gurning frequency.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, that, or.. or the one.. Babies. There, we're back to Castenada you see.
HUTCHBACK
Oh no, not Castenada.
DR. NOSTRUM
I'm sure Dr. Kawnholer used to want to prove that babies, when they were born, lived in a different Universe. (Hutchback has started laughing inanely) You know, that they.. they existed in a different reality, er, a different frequency, cos they were looking at something different, in their cross-eyed way.
HUTCHBACK
That's...
DR. NOSTRUM
You don't think that's true?
Ah, no, no, that's already out of date isn't it?
HUTCHBACK
No.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well it is, it must be out of date cos they're not interested in electrons and that any more
HUTCHBACK
(spluttering) Y.. Of course they're inter.. Electrons allow..
DR. NOSTRUM
They're all passé
HUTCHBACK
Electrons allow electro-magnetism and light.
DR. NOSTRUM
But it's not...
HUTCHBACK
You can't have Light...
DR. NOSTRUM
...it's not electric, is it?
HUTCHBACK
No. You can't have light without electrons.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, you can't have light without photons.
HUTCHBACK
No, electrons.
(long pause as the Dr attempts to digest this)
DR. NOSTRUM
So what are photons? I thought photons were packets of light.
HUTCHBACK
Photons are light particles. But you need electrons in order for light to vibrate, cos light's also a wave.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, a wave's got a frequency, I know.
HUTCHBACK
And it makes electrons vibrate. (big sigh from the DR.) So, until electrons were about it couldn't vibrate, therefore you couldn't see light.
DR. NOSTRUM
It's not that interesting.
HUTCHBACK
It's not that interesting.
DR. NOSTRUM
It's not interesting cos it's all...
HUTCHBACK
It's all meaningless.
DR. NOSTRUM
...indistinct. Yeah, it's all a bit, you know.
HUTCHBACK
It's all about particles.
HUTCHBACK
What I kinda like; I like the idea that we're tuned into a particular frequency, like kind of a radio station, and this is our frequency and then there's all these other frequencies that we're not tuned into. Unless you take loads of drugs.
HUTCHBACK
Mmm.
DR. NOSTRUM
In which case, er, no-one else is tuned into your particular frequency.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah. The Gurning frequency.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, that, or.. or the one.. Babies. There, we're back to Castenada you see.
HUTCHBACK
Oh no, not Castenada.
DR. NOSTRUM
I'm sure Dr. Kawnholer used to want to prove that babies, when they were born, lived in a different Universe. (Hutchback has started laughing inanely) You know, that they.. they existed in a different reality, er, a different frequency, cos they were looking at something different, in their cross-eyed way.
HUTCHBACK
That's...
DR. NOSTRUM
You don't think that's true?
I’m A Celebrity, Get Me In Her.
Alas poor Kilroy, he was chucked off backwards. Dr Nostrum has booked a New Years Break at the I'm A 'Celebrity' Get Me Out Of Here camp for me and M in the New Year. I had often wondered and recently confirmed that the site is a Year round venue where as many different Nationalities are shoed in as possible, but between Sweden and Eritrea, M and I have a chance to get away from it all.
The package includes a few of the choice Bushtucker Trials - Sucking off a Wombat, Dry Cleaning a Crocodile and Shitting into Anthony McPartlins mouth from a high branch - once much favoured by the Plastic Duck carrying Derelict who we all knew as Gazza, now, a broken, shadowy soul almost as physically feeble as shrunken Ben Gazzara.
Although we do get interviewed periodically, fortunately there's no-one to really vote us off, although if you wanted to call in - +448445-930-616(1) for the Dr. -616(2) for M - the money goes to a cause of our choice. Namely, preserving the skin of Jade Goody, which is a long cherished project of the Dr's, as some of you may be aware, soon to be seen as a series on Living (proceeds less costs and profit to her children). She'll go on the Lounge wall next to Des O'Connor, but may require a slightly larger board to be pegged out on.
Still, to keep us happy there is a sham eviction each morning, where we have hired Robert Kilroy Silk to be voted off each day. He does though have to be kept in the manner he expects between daily takes, so we also have Fatima Siad in for him to split each morning, after which he gets to personally re-circumcise her in readiness to split her the following day, etc. Fatima seems reasonably Ok with this arrangement as it keeps her away from Tyrant Banks whilst allowing her to publicise the cause closest to her arse.
At the end of the two week break we get our walk of shame and patronisation and of course the whole holiday is filmed so we can cherish it forever. An unexpected bonus is the whisper that Ant may be available to shit into for other functions, but I can't say that either I or M liked the way he looked up at our stars. He just didn't have that air of superiority we value, in fact there was just that whiff of desperation in the eyes which sullied the fun I'm afraid, for me particularly. Still, we may give him a try, I wouldn't want to second guess the requirements of visiting luminaries at the Castle.
The package includes a few of the choice Bushtucker Trials - Sucking off a Wombat, Dry Cleaning a Crocodile and Shitting into Anthony McPartlins mouth from a high branch - once much favoured by the Plastic Duck carrying Derelict who we all knew as Gazza, now, a broken, shadowy soul almost as physically feeble as shrunken Ben Gazzara.
Although we do get interviewed periodically, fortunately there's no-one to really vote us off, although if you wanted to call in - +448445-930-616(1) for the Dr. -616(2) for M - the money goes to a cause of our choice. Namely, preserving the skin of Jade Goody, which is a long cherished project of the Dr's, as some of you may be aware, soon to be seen as a series on Living (proceeds less costs and profit to her children). She'll go on the Lounge wall next to Des O'Connor, but may require a slightly larger board to be pegged out on.
Still, to keep us happy there is a sham eviction each morning, where we have hired Robert Kilroy Silk to be voted off each day. He does though have to be kept in the manner he expects between daily takes, so we also have Fatima Siad in for him to split each morning, after which he gets to personally re-circumcise her in readiness to split her the following day, etc. Fatima seems reasonably Ok with this arrangement as it keeps her away from Tyrant Banks whilst allowing her to publicise the cause closest to her arse.
At the end of the two week break we get our walk of shame and patronisation and of course the whole holiday is filmed so we can cherish it forever. An unexpected bonus is the whisper that Ant may be available to shit into for other functions, but I can't say that either I or M liked the way he looked up at our stars. He just didn't have that air of superiority we value, in fact there was just that whiff of desperation in the eyes which sullied the fun I'm afraid, for me particularly. Still, we may give him a try, I wouldn't want to second guess the requirements of visiting luminaries at the Castle.
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