HUTCHBACK
God help them. They seem to think
there's something there.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah.
HUTCHBACK
Which, um...
DR. NOSTRUM
Well there is something there
HUTCHBACK
Well...
DR. NOSTRUM
It's not easy to forget.
They park the car
HUTCHBACK
(getting out the car)
No, it's not easy to forget. But
then (car door closes) nor is being
raped and murdered. Doesn't mean
it's something you, er, want to
happen to you.
DR. NOSTRUM
Not everyone gets raped and
murdered.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah. What I mean is...
DR. NOSTRUM
Only spiders. All spiders get raped
and murdered.
HUTCHBACK
Well, no...
DR. NOSTRUM
Male spiders get raped and
murdered.
HUTCHBACK
No, no, they just get murdered.
DR. NOSTRUM
Sort of like Logan's Run.
HUTCHBACK
I don't think they all get
murdered, some of them escape. I've
seen footage. Some of them escape.
DR. NOSTRUM
They try and escape?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, of course they try and
escape!
DR. NOSTRUM
I thought once they'd got their end
away they stay and wait to get
eaten.
HUTCHBACK
No, no, they try and get away.
That's why it's all very tentative.
They have entered Bee and Queue. Hutchback picks up a basket.
The Dr. is lagging behind, we cant' hear him clearly as we
follow Hutchback through the store.
DR. NOSTRUM
Right, you need some mole grips.
HUTCHBACK
You know what? I don't feel like I
can be bothered to ask someone
where the Mole Wrenches are... Mole
Grips. I know where they are,
that's the problem. Well, I know
where the tools are. (imitates
conversation with Bee and Queue
rep) "Where are the tools?" "Well,
mainly waiting in aisles trying to
avoid being... Where are the
tools?...
DR. NOSTRUM
They're in the aisles browsing
HUTCHBACK
...Yeah, they're serving customers
at the moment, sorry." Actually,
they've moved everything.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, it's called re-licensing,
when they move everything... er, no
it's not, it's called merchandising
not re-licensing.
HUTCHBACK
It's called being annoying. How
about just buying a random tool?
Just to add to your... Oh, here we
go. Look at that!
DR. NOSTRUM
See, they call them... (Adjustable
Wrenches)
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, but that's not a good name...
that isn't what... there's no self
respecting builder would... (The
Dr. is trying to examine them in
their packaging) You probably can't
pull them out.
DR. NOSTRUM
(opening and closing them)
No, 'm just seeing how wide it
opens.
HUTCHBACK
That's fine. That's absolutely
fine.
DR. NOSTRUM
There you go! (breaks the packaging
seal and opens them fully)
HUTCHBACK
Wow!
DR. NOSTRUM
(opening and closing the
wrench)
Imagine if your jaws could do that!
So you need that (throws them in
the basket)and you need Viakal.
HUTCHBACK
I don't need Viakal!
DR. NOSTRUM
You do need Viakal.
HUTCHBACK
I can... no, it'll come straight
off with that. But I'll get Viakal
anyway.
DR. NOSTRUM
(seeing another wrench)
Ooh, look, they've got a special...
HUTCHBACK
Special...
DR. NOSTRUM
...sale. Oh, no, for 36.99 (he
throws the sale wrench into the
basket Hutchback's carrying, and
moves to take away the wide mouthed
wrench, impatient as always,
Hutchback stops him)
HUTCHBACK
Wait, no, no, I haven't finished
looking at these things...
DR. NOSTRUM
No, it's good, you can either get
one...
HUTCHBACK
I'm enjoying looking at these
things.
DR. NOSTRUM
...you get one for 8.99 or you can
get 3 for 36.99
HUTCHBACK
I don't think they, um, it's not
36.99; that's the socket set.
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh. Oh, no, they've got...
HUTCHBACK
It'll be cheaper. (Looking at the
sale wrenches the Dr. picked) And
they're rubbish, these are really
crappy ones.
DR. NOSTRUM
It's the same product.
HUTCHBACK
It's not
DR. NOSTRUM
Just a little bit smaller.
HUTCHBACK
No, no, (comparing them with the
wide mouthed ones) the build
quality is better, look at the...
maybe it is? OK.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, it's the same thing.
HUTCHBACK
Well, I might want to get a
recognized brand name version.
Well... (looking at ever larger
tools) Look at these! Look at them.
DR. NOSTRUM
(mis-reads the partially
hidden label)
"The Bollocks" is that their name?
HUTCHBACK
(laughs)
"The Bollocks"
DR. NOSTRUM
(swivelling them around)
Oh, "Turbo-locks"
HUTCHBACK
(still laughing)
That would be a good brand name for
the (puts on Thug-gone-Hoxton
voice) ironic modern man - "The
Bollocks
Hutchback looks closer at the turbo-locks label, which does
spell "...bo-locks", the "tur" being hidden by the angle of
view.
HUTCHBACK (CONT'D)
"The Bollocks" (laughs a lot)
Someone should definitely do that
cos it's not offensive, it's not
really offensive, it would be quite
good "The Bollocks"
DR. NOSTRUM
(getting them for
Hutchback)
Well there you go then, get
these...
HUTCHBACK
No, no, I don't know if they're
exactly what I need, but they look
good...
DR. NOSTRUM
(looking at the packaging)
Look, it even shows you, see,
there, someone gripping something
round.
HUTCHBACK
"The Bollocks" I do actually feel
like I kind of want these now. I've
got tool envy. (studies them) I
reckon it's all flash though.
Underneath it's the same piece of
shit as the other one, it's just
got some rubber stuff around it,
but you know what, it'd be better
on the hands - the rubbery bit.
DR. NOSTRUM
(reads the packaging more)
10 inch, look at that, they're 10
inch!
HUTCHBACK
10 inch! (starts laughing)
DR. NOSTRUM
"10 inch Bollocks". I mean that's
what I read you see? That's why I
said it. (He holds the packet in a
way that it looks like it says "10
inch bo-locks" and Hutchback laughs
loudly)
HUTCHBACK
Hold on, there might be an even
better one? Just... Hold on, now
look at... Look at this thing!
(Holds up an absolutely enormous
all metal wrench)
DR. NOSTRUM
That is a wrench.
HUTCHBACK
Now, that! But look, that is
unbelievable!
DR. NOSTRUM
No, no...
HUTCHBACK
(reads) That's exactly what I need
a "Pipe Wrench"
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, is it?
HUTCHBACK
(impressed)
Yeah. That would be perfect.
However...
DR. NOSTRUM
They're getting more and more
expensive.
HUTCHBACK
They are, and also not as, um,
generally useful.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, (going back to "The Bollocks")
this things good, it's not that big
either, even though it's expensive.
(Comparing to the pipe wrench)
These get slippy... if you're
trying to do anything useful, these
get slippery.
HUTCHBACK
Exactly. OK. You know if you're
covered in sweat and grease and,
you know, you're all oiled up.
DR. NOSTRUM
(speaking as if he knows)
No, they do get slippy.
HUTCHBACK
I'm just seeing if there's anything
else I need.
DR. NOSTRUM
What did Mrs. Hutchback need?
The Hutchback has gone off to discover other things, not
listening.
HUTCHBACK
The thing is, Viakal is going to be
hard to find here isn't it?
DR. NOSTRUM
No.
They walk around looking, Hutchack looks in the basket again
HUTCHBACK
(laughs as he reads the
packaging again)
"Bo-lock" that really is
unbelievable, they must've... they
must've realized that would be a
problem.
The Hutchback has wandered off to find Viakal and we stay
with him, as he confides in the recording device.
HUTCHBACK (CONT'D)
(aside)
I'm on my own now, I can tell the
Dr. what I really think of him...
He's a cunt.
The Dr calls from another aisle
DR. NOSTRUM
You know it's over there by the...
HUTCHBACK
No, I just went round there to, cos
I had to tell the, er, say
something that you couldn't hear...
DR. NOSTRUM
OK. The asshole.
HUTCHBACK
...what I really thought of you.
(Clears his throat) No, this is...
they're not going to have... lights
and shit. Ah. Kettle. Yeah, Very
clever, very clever, Mr. Muscle,
here we go, Oven-Pride...
DR. NOSTRUM
Miss Olivia De Mussel.
HUTCHBACK
Miss De Mussel, OK. Viakal.
DR. NOSTRUM
Look at that, frozen lime and
vinegar spray. That's it, just get
one of those.
HUTCHBACK
Ah, but I want something that also
works for Kettles.
DR. NOSTRUM
Kettles?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh
HUTCHBACK
(sees what he needs, puts
it in the basket)
Scale-Away.
Dr. Nostrum takes the Scale-Away out of the basket and
replaces it with Viakal
HUTCHBACK (CONT'D)
No, no, but I need it for my
kettle!
DR. NOSTRUM
(referring to the using
Scale-Away to de-scale
the pipe)
But how are you going to put that
on...
HUTCHBACK
No! I need that for my kettle! I
don't want Viakal, why do i want
Viakal.
DR. NOSTRUM
Cos it's great.
HUTCHBACK
"It's just great, you should buy
it. You don't know what you're
missing". Alright, fucker, I'll buy
some Viakal.
DR. NOSTRUM
Have you got anyone that helps
clean the dungeon?
HUTCHBACK
No.
DR. NOSTRUM
Isn't there someone your mum sends
round once in a while?
HUTCHBACK
No? (mockingly) "Someone my mum
sends round once in a while"! I
think you're thinking of some
other...
DR. NOSTRUM
I seem to remember you saying...
HUTCHBACK
...some other pussy footed
hunchback.
DR. NOSTRUM
I seem to remember you saying you
had a cleaning lady from
somewhere...
HUTCHBACK
No.
DR. NOSTRUM
...that couldn't get a job
anywhere? Something like that?
HUTCHBACK
Oh, I think it was one of Mrs.
Hutchback's friend's Mum, but we
ne...
That would be too embarrassing,
and... no. Anyway, there's a
recession going on in case you
didn't know.
DR. NOSTRUM
No.
HUTCHBACK
Things like paying people to clean
your dungeon...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. Paying people to do things...
HUTCHBACK
... just cos you're too lazy...
DR. NOSTRUM
...that's old hat.
HUTCHBACK
You know paying people to do
things, that's what got us into the
trouble we're in in the first
place.
DR. NOSTRUM
Mm. (pause) Fortunately I've never
been involved in that kind of
trouble. (beat) Did you see that
thing I sent you, I thought it was
a good quote, the Dean Saunders
thing, I thought "I like that" that
he's been at, um, he's been at
"both ends"...
HUTCHBACK
(laughs)
"Both Ends... and I know which one
tastes better."
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah.
HUTCHBACK
"Tastes better", did he say?
DR. NOSTRUM
Which tastes better, yeah. I
thought it was memorable.
They reach the line for the cashier and put the tools on the
conveyor. They are behind other customers.
HUTCHBACK
So...
DR. NOSTRUM
As far as the premise goes...
HUTCHBACK
(referring to the Bo
locks)
See, we got some comedy gold out of
this.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, there is, there's lots of
comedy gold here. Things. Things
that happen, things in stores, it
all there, all you need to do is
just walk out your front door and
the whole world just starts
presenting itself to you.
HUTCHBACK
You see for me this is more
enjoyable than sitting down writing
a TV show, but well...
DR. NOSTRUM
So, you do this and then... (beat)
Do you think ant of the names on
the badges are their real names?
HUTCHBACK
(sarcastically)
No, they just pick up a random
badge when they come into work in
the morning.
DR. NOSTRUM
I don't think they're people's real
names. (beat) Did you read the
story I wrote about the Vodaphone
store? In Camden.
HUTCHBACK
Yes
DR. NOSTRUM
It's amazing. Amazing experience.
HUTCHBACK
And what was this product you were
trying to buy...
DR. NOSTRUM
No, it was just a phone, but it was
the idea that... I went into a
Carphone Warehouse and asked "is
there any phone which I don't have
to make a call within 90 days and
it doesn't shut off, which
apparently they all do.
At the cashier now
CASHIER
That's nineteen pounds and fourteen
pence please, do you have a Bee and
Queue card?
HUTCHBACK
No.
DR. NOSTRUM
And the guy in the Carphone
Warehouse of course says No, oh,
you know what, Vodaphone do,
Vodaphone Passport, it's made for
people who go away and you don't
have to use it for like 8 months.
But we don't have any, go to
Vodaphone. So I went to the
Vodaphone store.
HUTCHBACK
Why do you want one?
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, when I go away I just want to
have some phone here that doesn't
cut itself off.
HUTCHBACK
Why don't you use...
DR. NOSTRUM
Pay as you go.
HUTCHBACK
Why don't you just cancel it and
get a new one when you come back.
CASHIER
Would you like a bag for that?
HUTCHBACK
(to the cashier)
Yes. (to the Dr.) I mean why don't
you get...
DR. NOSTRUM
Cos then I have to get a new number
every time.
HUTCHBACK
Oh, that's true.
DR. NOSTRUM
Anyway, so, um...
HUTCHBACK
(sarcastically again)
Why don't you pay someone to use
your phone once in a while?
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. Every 89 days.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah (to the cashier) thank you.
DR. NOSTRUM
(trying to get back to
telling the story)
Anyway, so, er, that's what it was
about, I was just saying, you know,
you know you go in...
HUTCHBACK
(trying to solve the
problem of the cell
phone)
Alright, why don't you just buy a
phone and just send a text message
once every 3 months?
They get back in the vehicle.
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, like I'm going to remember to
do that? Set an alarm to say "send
text message."
HUTCHBACK
Well...
DR. NOSTRUM
You know that doesn't happen, stuff
goes in a drawer and... Just a
pointless waste of money.
HUTCHBACK
Whereas having a phone that you
never use is not a pointless waste
of money?
DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, it's... A pay as you go
contract is free if you don't use
it.
HUTCHBACK
Oh, right, OK.
DR. NOSTRUM
So this is what it's about, going
to the Vodaphone store, you know,
waiting... I love that, you take a
ticket, you get a wait time of zero
minutes and then as soon as, you
know someone comes out and says
"Oh, No-one's got a ticket", I say
"I've got a ticket" the wait time
goes up, whilst you're waiting it
goes up from zero minutes to 2
minutes though there's nobody in
the shop. That's the thing, that's
the sort of thing that can
definitely be in...
HUTCHBACK
Yes, that can be in the show.
DR. NOSTRUM
So you're waiting, the wait time
goes up and then eventually,
eventually the guy behind the
desk...
HUTCHBACK
The whole thing about taking
tickets...
DR. NOSTRUM
Well in a shop where there are
people waiting to serve you, that's
the point, there's no other
customers in the shop.
HUTCHBACK
No, but there's a lot of mileage
around the whole taking ticket
thing.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah... So I'm sitting waiting,
eventually my number comes up on
the board, there's a guy behind the
counter, he just looks at me, no
one else in the shop, I wave the
ticket, silence. So I said "Can I
get served?" He nods. Nothing
else...
HUTCHBACK
They're specially trained you
know...
DR. NOSTRUM
I know, so I said...
HUTCHBACK
...to behave like that.
DR. NOSTRUM
So I said, "Do I have to come over
there?" and he just goes (Imitates
the shop staff member opening his
hands in a surly gesture of
presenting his desk as ready for
service) like that, to the till,
you know, so I go over there - 5
paces - go over ther, stand in
front of him, I say "Do you have
Vodaphone Passport?" He says "No."
HUTCHBACK
Nope
DR. NOSTRUM
So I walk out. It doesn't exist,
there's no such thing as Vodaphone
Passport, this thing that the
Carphone Warehouse told me to get
at Vodaphone. So, it may exist, but
of course, who can be bothered to
actually find someone that knows
what they're talking about?
HUTCHBACK
A cab driver at the airport was
waxing lyrical about sesame seed
paste that he used to buy from this
very specific shop there. It was
very funny, very random.
DR. NOSTRUM
What did you do?
HUTCHBACK
We told him where we lived and then
he went on and on and on about
sesame seed paste (puts on deep
eastern block voice) Oh, I used to
make my own Hummus. He was one of
those taxi drivers that used to
have a real job. They're the
saddest ones, the ones, you know,
they used to be a Surveyor, now
he's driving a taxi, he obviously
wasn't a very good Surveyor then.
DR. NOSTRUM
Used to be an investment banker...
I love the idea of finding a job
for all these people (the bankers
who brought the world to it's
knees) in teaching, or local
authorities, (As if they should
ever be in responsible positions
again) telling them how to invest
their money.
Thursday, 21 October 2010
Monday, 27 September 2010
All Talk 61 - Shopping and Writing For TV Is Not Easy
(The Doctor and Hutchback are still looking for tools)
DR. NOSTRUM
...I've had momentum before and
this isn't it.
HUTCHBACK
(imitating the Dr)
Er, I don't know what momentum is,
but this isn't it. (Being himself
again) This is just 2 idiots trying
to find a fucking Monkey Wrench.
DR. NOSTRUM
Or Mole...
HUTCHBACK
Or even Mole... In fact, you know
what I'm going to do? I'm going to
ask them if they've got any Mole
Grips.
DR. NOSTRUM
Who?
HUTCHBACK
In Bee and Queue and see what they
say.
DR. NOSTRUM
Right, OK. Well, what they'll
say...
HUTCHBACK
They'll say...
DR. NOSTRUM
...is "Aisle 3"
HUTCHBACK
..."I don't know"...
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, yeah, "Don't know"
HUTCHBACK
..."I don't know"
DR. NOSTRUM
"What are they for?" Well, they're
for getting moles out of... moles
out of holes.
HUTCHBACK
They're for gripping moles. And
that's why they're called mole
grips! That is total... That's
exactly why they're called Mole
Grips. They're the sort of thing
you'd need to really (acts it) get
a hold of a mole.
DR. NOSTRUM
Whereas a Monkey Wrench is the sort
of thing you'd need to wrench a
monkey.
HUTCHBACK
Yes.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, you know... I dunno. What
else... I've been thinking about
it, but I'll probably just leave
it. They'll probably tell us
they've got them in Lakeland.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, you need Lakeland. (Beat)
that would be quite good I suppose.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, just as a thing, as an
ongoing thing, I think, and you
must like it too, one of the things
you like about what's been done in
other series, like Harold Hill's
stuff, is you have these kind of...
points, you have these kind of edit
points, or whatever they are...
HUTCHBACK
(imitating Peter Cook)
"Edit point, you cunt"
DR. NOSTRUM
...you have all these bits where
the same thing crops up across a
series.
HUTCHBACK
Mm.
DR. NOSTRUM
Remember, in America a series is 29
episodes.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, I don't think were going to
be doing...
DR. NOSTRUM
Which is not...
HUTCHBACK
...29 episodes
DR. NOSTRUM
...No, that's not what we're
looking for. What are we looking
for? Like a British series is 6
episodes, roughly, it can be, so...
But! What was... what did... what I
did think about was that if it's an
American thing... cos he, Rat was
saying, he thought you have to
pitch it for America, that's why I
was thinking L.A. New York and also
Barbara Walters was thinking, it
really is much more kind of the way,
er, it's the sort of thing that can
happen in America but in England it
would be completely different. But
anyway, you know what, she's
American. Um...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, what the fuck do they know?
DR. NOSTRUM
The, um...
HUTCHBACK
They just invented TV.
DR. NOSTRUM
Did they?
HUTCHBACK
No, they didn't literally invent
it, but...
DR. NOSTRUM
A Scottish guy, I thought.
HUTCHBACK
They didn't invent the physical...
DR. NOSTRUM
No, no
HUTCHBACK
...but TV would be nothing without
America.
DR. NOSTRUM
No. Um... (beat) ...that it would
be good to have this constant
thing, er, several things that
happen to the character...
HUTCHBACK
(impatient to overtake a
slow car)
Shall I do some road rage?
DR. NOSTRUM
(overly loud, frustrated
that Hutchback is not
listening)
No! No road rage...
HUTCHBACK
(laughing, imitating)
No!
DR. NOSTRUM
...No rage. No rage, at all, no
rage. Keep it...
HUTCHBACK
Just... keep it calm.
DR. NOSTRUM
...on an even keel.
HUTCHBACK
(chuckling)
Keep it on an even keel.
DR. NOSTRUM
(trying to get the thread
back)
But you can...
HUTCHBACK
You're being...
DR. NOSTRUM
...you can start...
HUTCHBACK
...you're being a little bit over
sensitive today, to my Road Rage.
DR. NOSTRUM
You can start with this guy looking
out his window at this filthy...
TOGETHER
...Blue van.
HUTCHBACK
Yup.
DR. NOSTRUM
That can happen anywhere in the
world.
HUTCHBACK
That could happen anywhere in the
world.
DR. NOSTRUM
He has...
HUTCHBACK
I think people will relate to
that...
DR. NOSTRUM
...a cause
HUTCHBACK
...I think we've found 'the common
man'. The theme for the common man.
DR. NOSTRUM
He has a cause and that's one of he
things that goes on and I presume
what starts it... what seems to
make sense is that it's better to
start with Zack, cos he's, he's,
er, he's, um...
HUTCHBACK
I believe...
DR. NOSTRUM
...not where it will go. Yep, go
on.
HUTCHBACK
I believe though, that, like in all
half hour comedy programs...
DR. NOSTRUM
Well let's say it's an hour.
HUTCHBACK
No...
DR. NOSTRUM
We can forget that premise
immediately.
HUTCHBACK
No, cos that means we've got to
write more.
DR. NOSTRUM
No you don't, what are you talking
about? You write half as much. Oh,
OK, it doesn't matter.
HUTCHBACK
No, but I think it should be half
hour...
DR. NOSTRUM
OK.
HUTCHBACK
...because, within that format you
can tell... well, you need to...
each episode needs to have a setup
and resolution...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, of course it does.
HUTCHBACK
...clearly, so...
DR. NOSTRUM
I don't think it should be....
HUTCHBACK
...something like the van, if you
bring that in from the beginning...
DR. NOSTRUM
I don't think you have to resolve
it...
HUTCHBACK
N-n-no, no, no. Generally you would
need to resolve it in the first
episode.
DR. NOSTRUM
I don't think that's the kind of
series... First of all, if it's an
American thing, the idea is the
pilot. The pilot can be an hour or
an hour and a half, so that's a
completely different episode to the
rest of the series. What happens in
the pilot, if, if it is a series...
HUTCHBACK
(as if announcing their arrival)
Here's us.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, this wasn't from me...
HUTCHBACK
No, no , I know.
DR. NOSTRUM
I'm talking about Rat, if it's a
pilot we have to go at a completely
different pace, because by the end
of the pilot you have to reach, to
mention...
HUTCHBACK
To wrap up the story.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, you have to mention (he names
the big idea). That's the bit...
whereas we were talking before that
you don't do that till way into the
series. Otherwise there's no point
for anyone to tune I don't think,
really. So, I'd rather not have to
do that. I'd rather the idea that
you write a long series that, like,
like, um, whatever that American
one is that's been popular at the
moment about the TV people, I can't
remember.
HUTCHBACK
30 rock?
DR. NOSTRUM
Whatever it is, there's a few. I
don't know.
HUTCHBACK
30 rock.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, whatever. OK, I don't know.
Well I think the pace thing of the
series will just depend on what...
if anyone gives you money to do it
we can think about it, but at the
moment we might as well just think
about writing a story.
HUTCHBACK
A single...
DR. NOSTRUM
Just the...
HUTCHBACK
...one hour, story.
DR. NOSTRUM
...you know, a story. Cos the other
thing, Rat said, was that if it
won't go for TV, pitch it as a
movie. So this really is the
bizarre world where others are
actually trying to get a product
out of this stuff, um, but there we
are.
HUTCHBACK
All these people who actually work
in the industry have put their
faith in us?
DR. NOSTRUM
Well...
HUTCHBACK
God help them.
DR. NOSTRUM
...I've had momentum before and
this isn't it.
HUTCHBACK
(imitating the Dr)
Er, I don't know what momentum is,
but this isn't it. (Being himself
again) This is just 2 idiots trying
to find a fucking Monkey Wrench.
DR. NOSTRUM
Or Mole...
HUTCHBACK
Or even Mole... In fact, you know
what I'm going to do? I'm going to
ask them if they've got any Mole
Grips.
DR. NOSTRUM
Who?
HUTCHBACK
In Bee and Queue and see what they
say.
DR. NOSTRUM
Right, OK. Well, what they'll
say...
HUTCHBACK
They'll say...
DR. NOSTRUM
...is "Aisle 3"
HUTCHBACK
..."I don't know"...
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, yeah, "Don't know"
HUTCHBACK
..."I don't know"
DR. NOSTRUM
"What are they for?" Well, they're
for getting moles out of... moles
out of holes.
HUTCHBACK
They're for gripping moles. And
that's why they're called mole
grips! That is total... That's
exactly why they're called Mole
Grips. They're the sort of thing
you'd need to really (acts it) get
a hold of a mole.
DR. NOSTRUM
Whereas a Monkey Wrench is the sort
of thing you'd need to wrench a
monkey.
HUTCHBACK
Yes.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, you know... I dunno. What
else... I've been thinking about
it, but I'll probably just leave
it. They'll probably tell us
they've got them in Lakeland.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, you need Lakeland. (Beat)
that would be quite good I suppose.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, just as a thing, as an
ongoing thing, I think, and you
must like it too, one of the things
you like about what's been done in
other series, like Harold Hill's
stuff, is you have these kind of...
points, you have these kind of edit
points, or whatever they are...
HUTCHBACK
(imitating Peter Cook)
"Edit point, you cunt"
DR. NOSTRUM
...you have all these bits where
the same thing crops up across a
series.
HUTCHBACK
Mm.
DR. NOSTRUM
Remember, in America a series is 29
episodes.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, I don't think were going to
be doing...
DR. NOSTRUM
Which is not...
HUTCHBACK
...29 episodes
DR. NOSTRUM
...No, that's not what we're
looking for. What are we looking
for? Like a British series is 6
episodes, roughly, it can be, so...
But! What was... what did... what I
did think about was that if it's an
American thing... cos he, Rat was
saying, he thought you have to
pitch it for America, that's why I
was thinking L.A. New York and also
Barbara Walters was thinking, it
really is much more kind of the way,
er, it's the sort of thing that can
happen in America but in England it
would be completely different. But
anyway, you know what, she's
American. Um...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, what the fuck do they know?
DR. NOSTRUM
The, um...
HUTCHBACK
They just invented TV.
DR. NOSTRUM
Did they?
HUTCHBACK
No, they didn't literally invent
it, but...
DR. NOSTRUM
A Scottish guy, I thought.
HUTCHBACK
They didn't invent the physical...
DR. NOSTRUM
No, no
HUTCHBACK
...but TV would be nothing without
America.
DR. NOSTRUM
No. Um... (beat) ...that it would
be good to have this constant
thing, er, several things that
happen to the character...
HUTCHBACK
(impatient to overtake a
slow car)
Shall I do some road rage?
DR. NOSTRUM
(overly loud, frustrated
that Hutchback is not
listening)
No! No road rage...
HUTCHBACK
(laughing, imitating)
No!
DR. NOSTRUM
...No rage. No rage, at all, no
rage. Keep it...
HUTCHBACK
Just... keep it calm.
DR. NOSTRUM
...on an even keel.
HUTCHBACK
(chuckling)
Keep it on an even keel.
DR. NOSTRUM
(trying to get the thread
back)
But you can...
HUTCHBACK
You're being...
DR. NOSTRUM
...you can start...
HUTCHBACK
...you're being a little bit over
sensitive today, to my Road Rage.
DR. NOSTRUM
You can start with this guy looking
out his window at this filthy...
TOGETHER
...Blue van.
HUTCHBACK
Yup.
DR. NOSTRUM
That can happen anywhere in the
world.
HUTCHBACK
That could happen anywhere in the
world.
DR. NOSTRUM
He has...
HUTCHBACK
I think people will relate to
that...
DR. NOSTRUM
...a cause
HUTCHBACK
...I think we've found 'the common
man'. The theme for the common man.
DR. NOSTRUM
He has a cause and that's one of he
things that goes on and I presume
what starts it... what seems to
make sense is that it's better to
start with Zack, cos he's, he's,
er, he's, um...
HUTCHBACK
I believe...
DR. NOSTRUM
...not where it will go. Yep, go
on.
HUTCHBACK
I believe though, that, like in all
half hour comedy programs...
DR. NOSTRUM
Well let's say it's an hour.
HUTCHBACK
No...
DR. NOSTRUM
We can forget that premise
immediately.
HUTCHBACK
No, cos that means we've got to
write more.
DR. NOSTRUM
No you don't, what are you talking
about? You write half as much. Oh,
OK, it doesn't matter.
HUTCHBACK
No, but I think it should be half
hour...
DR. NOSTRUM
OK.
HUTCHBACK
...because, within that format you
can tell... well, you need to...
each episode needs to have a setup
and resolution...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, of course it does.
HUTCHBACK
...clearly, so...
DR. NOSTRUM
I don't think it should be....
HUTCHBACK
...something like the van, if you
bring that in from the beginning...
DR. NOSTRUM
I don't think you have to resolve
it...
HUTCHBACK
N-n-no, no, no. Generally you would
need to resolve it in the first
episode.
DR. NOSTRUM
I don't think that's the kind of
series... First of all, if it's an
American thing, the idea is the
pilot. The pilot can be an hour or
an hour and a half, so that's a
completely different episode to the
rest of the series. What happens in
the pilot, if, if it is a series...
HUTCHBACK
(as if announcing their arrival)
Here's us.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, this wasn't from me...
HUTCHBACK
No, no , I know.
DR. NOSTRUM
I'm talking about Rat, if it's a
pilot we have to go at a completely
different pace, because by the end
of the pilot you have to reach, to
mention...
HUTCHBACK
To wrap up the story.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, you have to mention (he names
the big idea). That's the bit...
whereas we were talking before that
you don't do that till way into the
series. Otherwise there's no point
for anyone to tune I don't think,
really. So, I'd rather not have to
do that. I'd rather the idea that
you write a long series that, like,
like, um, whatever that American
one is that's been popular at the
moment about the TV people, I can't
remember.
HUTCHBACK
30 rock?
DR. NOSTRUM
Whatever it is, there's a few. I
don't know.
HUTCHBACK
30 rock.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, whatever. OK, I don't know.
Well I think the pace thing of the
series will just depend on what...
if anyone gives you money to do it
we can think about it, but at the
moment we might as well just think
about writing a story.
HUTCHBACK
A single...
DR. NOSTRUM
Just the...
HUTCHBACK
...one hour, story.
DR. NOSTRUM
...you know, a story. Cos the other
thing, Rat said, was that if it
won't go for TV, pitch it as a
movie. So this really is the
bizarre world where others are
actually trying to get a product
out of this stuff, um, but there we
are.
HUTCHBACK
All these people who actually work
in the industry have put their
faith in us?
DR. NOSTRUM
Well...
HUTCHBACK
God help them.
Thursday, 23 September 2010
The Mission Continues!
They're back, after a year of contractual difficulties, The Dr. and Hutchback resume their journey towards the greatest Television Show never written. Thus time in Glorious Screenplayorama...
All Talk 60 - It's Not Momentum
(the Doctor and Hutchback are out in the world, looking for monkey wrenches and plotting their future successes)
DR. NOSTRUM
We have to go to Lakeland to get
Bunny grips.
HUTCHBACK
(pulling DR. NOSTRUM out
of the shop)
Thank you. Bye. (On the street
HUTCHBACK praises the DR.) See,
you're learning as well.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, they do seem to be reasonably
oblivious.
HUTCHBACK
They're completely oblivious, they
don't know what's going on! They
think we actually want to buy Bunny
Grips!
DR. NOSTRUM
You've got to go to Lakeland
HUTCHBACK
I don't even know what Lakeland is,
it's this mystical land...
DR. NOSTRUM
It's an oxymoron isn't it?
HUTCHBACK
Well, yes. Lake-land. Well, no, the
land around the lake is still
land...
DR. NOSTRUM
Lake-land.
HUTCHBACK
...and a lake is on land, so that's
fine. (triumphantly) You're wrong.
DR. NOSTRUM
What it is, I think... well, I've
been there and what it's become in
the wide world is a place that
people say you go to, to get things
when they don't know what they are.
HUTCHBACK
(imitating the
proletariat)
Yeah, 'it's alright - Lakeland'.
(Thinks) Now, that would actually
be quite good, a place that
literally, not metaphorically,
literally sold everything: You go
there, you ask for something and
they've got it.
DR. NOSTRUM
Argos
HUTCHBACK
No. Argos doesn't sell everything.
The Doctor isn't convinced.
HUTCHBACK (CONT'D)
No, it doesn't.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, there are 2 concepts: One is,
a shop that everyone tells you to
go to that doesn't exist, at all...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, Oh yeah...
DR. NOSTRUM
...but everyone says you've got to
go to.
HUTCHBACK
(more imitation)
"Where is it? Oh, it's by the
Archway" "Which Archway?" "The
Archway"
DR. NOSTRUM
Well that's what I wondered when he
was talking (the Ironmonger of the
previous episode), which archway
are you talking about?
HUTCHBACK
Well, one would assume he meant
Archway the place.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, well he didn't qualify it for
me.
HUTCHBACK
He did qualify it and then he
described a bit of it that wasn't
really Archway.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, I don't know if you can get a
Monkey Wrench or a Mole Grip there?
HUTCHBACK
Or Bunny Grip?
DR. NOSTRUM
Or a Bunny Grip. Failing that, I
was trying to think, is there
anything else? (Pause) Is there
anything else, there must be a
Parrot-something? Parrot...
Parrots's nose?
HUTCHBACK
Parrot...
They get in the Hutchback's motor-carriage and drive off.
DR. NOSTRUM
I can see where Sacha Cohen gets
his ideas from, I just don't know
how he keeps a straight face?
HUTCHBACK
Yes. That's his comedy. It's all
based around keeping a straight
face.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah
HUTCHBACK
Sure. There's nothing more to it.
No jokes, just keep a straight
face. (Beat) OK. I don't think I
really want to go to Archway.
DR. NOSTRUM
I'm sure there is somewhere else
you can get, er, what you're
looking for...
HUTCHBACK
I mean you can't park.
DR. NOSTRUM
...and it might as well be a place
you can park.
HUTCHBACK
Yes.
DR. NOSTRUM
(distracted)
That's good.
HUTCHBACK
What?
DR. NOSTRUM
(looking at a totally
nondescript family car)
That car.
HUTCHBACK
Why
DR. NOSTRUM
I liked it.
HUTCHBACK
Why is it a good car?
DR. NOSTRUM
It looked useful.
HUTCHBACK
(trying to move on)
Erm...
DR. NOSTRUM
It looked like...
HUTCHBACK
It looked like you could just drive
it...
DR. NOSTRUM
Like it would get the job done...
HUTCHBACK
...and it would just go.
DR. NOSTRUM
...you could put things in it.
HUTCHBACK
(still trying to move on)
Erm...
DR. NOSTRUM
...and it's a good shape. (Pause)
Why don't you just go to Bee and
Queue...
HUTCHBACK
Oh. Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
...If you just drive for 15 minutes
in any direction you're bound to...
HUTCHBACK
No, I know where there's a Bee and
Queue, I just didn't particularly
want to go there, but I think I'm
going to have to.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yes, cos at least at Bee and Queue
you know what you'll get.
HUTCHBACK
We know we'll get treated like
shit! Yes.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, but you'll get... You don't get
treated at all, do you, you just
get what you want. You go in there
and you help yourself to what you
want. A little bit of what you
want...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, but then we don't get any
amusing interactions with the
locals.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, but er, I... It's not what I...
came out for.
HUTCHBACK
Ah, well you see.
DR. NOSTRUM
...it's alright, I enjoy the
diversion, but at the end of the
day, er, we've got to do some
work...
HUTCHBACK
This is work!
DR. NOSTRUM
...and... well, it is work, but
there's more work, which I no doubt
am going to have to do, which is
converting it for the masses, so
you know... that's one of the
things...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
So it's all very enjoyable, you put
it away, you lock it away in a
little space, I e-mail it to you
and you can just... delete it, and
we'll forget all about it.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. (Beat - back to the shopping)
They'll have Jim, er, I mean
they'll have Jar...
HUTCHBACK
Jim-Jar. I've got a Jim-Jar.
DR. NOSTRUM
(adamantly, looking at the
shops they are driving
past)
One of these places will sell...
HUTCHBACK
They won't sell...
DR. NOSTRUM
I'm sure...
HUTCHBACK
They won't sell Monkey Wrenches.
DR. NOSTRUM
There was a place here that had an
ironing board outside it once.
HUTCHBACK
That's not enough. OK, so let's
focus then...
DR. NOSTRUM
(The as yet unwritten TV
show on his mind)
No! I'm focusing... It's just
something I was thinking having
driven along this road, at some
point, I like the idea of the
place, L.A. New York, wherever, can
also be a place where you have
things that don't... you know, like
a body being wheeled down the road
on a gurney by a nurse.
HUTCHBACK
OK. That probably doesn't happen...
DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, no, no. But it doesn't
happen... (sarcasm) Like it happens
a lot here? You know, so, er.
HUTCHBACK
It's more likely I would think...
Well, no, I suppose. "Body On
Gurney"
DR. NOSTRUM
Well it was under a cloth, so it
might not have been a body, but,
nevertheless... and it wasn't a
comedy medical student run, it was
just some bloke, you know.
HUTCHBACK
Unlikely that it's "some bloke"
pushing a dead body... You didn't
think to, like, stop him and ask
him what he was doing or anything?
DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, why would I?
HUTCHBACK
(sarcastically)
Well, you know... why would you?
It's just a dead body.
DR. NOSTRUM
Um...
HUTCHBACK
There was a bloke carrying a large
sack with what looked like a body
in it...
DR. NOSTRUM
Well you wouldn't stop him and ask
him what he was doing, would you?
Really?
HUTCHBACK
Probably not. You'd probably call
the police.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yes.
HUTCHBACK
Erm, I wonder if people... That
would be quite a good experiment
wouldn't it?
DR. NOSTRUM
Just walk around with a big bag...
HUTCHBACK
Walk around with a big bag with
legs sticking out of it.
DR. NOSTRUM
And an arm. Actually I did see...
you remember er, (silence)
HUTCHBACK
Yeah?
DR. NOSTRUM
What was that? Something, Portrait
Of A Serial Killer name. Mike, or
whatever it was, it wasn't...
HUTCHBACK
Henry
DR. NOSTRUM
Henry, yes. So, er, there was, when
I was driving along, er, one of the
freeways in Nashville, there was
actually a bloke on the side of the
freeway with an enormous bag over
his shoulder, you know, literally a
huge bag, and he just put it down
and got in his car and drove off.
Don't know what he was doing,
but...
HUTCHBACK
Probably didn't have a dead body in
it.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, it was probably just junk,
but, you know...
HUTCHBACK
OK. So let's focus now.
DR. NOSTRUM
(back to the 'TV show')
So it can start with a guy just
looking out his window, saying
something like "They're all cunts
out there."
HUTCHBACK
(acting)
"They're all cunts out there!" Ah,
and it's the van, the Blue Van.
DR. NOSTRUM
Or, you know, you just open the
window, you know "What a cunt."
That's all
HUTCHBACK
So maybe... I don;t even think he
should live in L.A.
DR. NOSTRUM
Why?
Hutchback makes a face as if it were an unlikely scenario to
imagine.
DR. NOSTRUM (CONT'D)
Why? Why can't there be a place in
L.A you can do that? It's not
beyond the realm of possibility
that there is a street in L.A. you
can look out and there's something
parked outside on your street? That
can happen.
HUTCHBACK
OK, you know what?
DR. NOSTRUM
What?
HUTCHBACK
OK, so the reality... OK, it
doesn't matter, because it's not
the fact that you can't park, it's
the fact that it's in front of his
house that bother's him.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yes! It's the fact that it's in
front of his house, that's...
HUTCHBACK
That's what annoyed me. It wasn't
the fact that I couldn't park on
the road...
DR. NOSTRUM
No, I know that...
HUTCHBACK
Yes...
DR. NOSTRUM
...I know that...
HUTCHBACK
No, I'm just clarifying it for
myself.
DR. NOSTRUM
Clarifying your own life for
yourself.
HUTCHBACK
Clarifying my own life for myself.
That's why this character, i.e.
me...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yes, you do this character mostly,
it seems to be easier to base it on
things that happen to you, why not?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
OK?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
Whereas the other character...
HUTCHBACK
But the guy in the Mental Asylum...
DR. NOSTRUM
...can be me.
HUTCHBACK
(highly amused)
...is much more likely to be you.
DR. NOSTRUM
Me. Alright, so that's fine, I'm
quite happy to split it like that.
And our other writer, Rat, can base
his experiences on someone who
knows what they're doing.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
Like Green.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
So that seems a good split.
HUTCHBACK
Right.
DR. NOSTRUM
Plus the fact that whatshername,
who we should involve, is actually
in TV, which is great help
considering it's about TV.
HUTCHBACK
Oh, yeah, that's a good idea.
DR. NOSTRUM
You know, so... and, when you came
up with Green, she knows John
Frankenheimer, who this,
apparently, this is exactly what's
been happening to him... Is that he
was once this very serious... and
then no-one...
HUTCHBACK
He still makes films.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well he does, but no-one would give
him a job for years, he went
through this enormous crash where
he couldn't get a job, so...
HUTCHBACK
And he was doing MTV Base.
DR. NOSTRUM
So, she thought...
HUTCHBACK
(laughing)
Directing MTV
DR. NOSTRUM
So she thought you could base it on
him, cos she knows, you know, him,
personally and she knows his story
very well, so, it all, kind of,
gelled, you know?
HUTCHBACK
So, in other words, "We have some
momentum."
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, no, not really.
HUTCHBACK
No.
DR. NOSTRUM
I've had momentum before and this
isn't it.
DR. NOSTRUM
We have to go to Lakeland to get
Bunny grips.
HUTCHBACK
(pulling DR. NOSTRUM out
of the shop)
Thank you. Bye. (On the street
HUTCHBACK praises the DR.) See,
you're learning as well.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, they do seem to be reasonably
oblivious.
HUTCHBACK
They're completely oblivious, they
don't know what's going on! They
think we actually want to buy Bunny
Grips!
DR. NOSTRUM
You've got to go to Lakeland
HUTCHBACK
I don't even know what Lakeland is,
it's this mystical land...
DR. NOSTRUM
It's an oxymoron isn't it?
HUTCHBACK
Well, yes. Lake-land. Well, no, the
land around the lake is still
land...
DR. NOSTRUM
Lake-land.
HUTCHBACK
...and a lake is on land, so that's
fine. (triumphantly) You're wrong.
DR. NOSTRUM
What it is, I think... well, I've
been there and what it's become in
the wide world is a place that
people say you go to, to get things
when they don't know what they are.
HUTCHBACK
(imitating the
proletariat)
Yeah, 'it's alright - Lakeland'.
(Thinks) Now, that would actually
be quite good, a place that
literally, not metaphorically,
literally sold everything: You go
there, you ask for something and
they've got it.
DR. NOSTRUM
Argos
HUTCHBACK
No. Argos doesn't sell everything.
The Doctor isn't convinced.
HUTCHBACK (CONT'D)
No, it doesn't.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, there are 2 concepts: One is,
a shop that everyone tells you to
go to that doesn't exist, at all...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, Oh yeah...
DR. NOSTRUM
...but everyone says you've got to
go to.
HUTCHBACK
(more imitation)
"Where is it? Oh, it's by the
Archway" "Which Archway?" "The
Archway"
DR. NOSTRUM
Well that's what I wondered when he
was talking (the Ironmonger of the
previous episode), which archway
are you talking about?
HUTCHBACK
Well, one would assume he meant
Archway the place.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, well he didn't qualify it for
me.
HUTCHBACK
He did qualify it and then he
described a bit of it that wasn't
really Archway.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, I don't know if you can get a
Monkey Wrench or a Mole Grip there?
HUTCHBACK
Or Bunny Grip?
DR. NOSTRUM
Or a Bunny Grip. Failing that, I
was trying to think, is there
anything else? (Pause) Is there
anything else, there must be a
Parrot-something? Parrot...
Parrots's nose?
HUTCHBACK
Parrot...
They get in the Hutchback's motor-carriage and drive off.
DR. NOSTRUM
I can see where Sacha Cohen gets
his ideas from, I just don't know
how he keeps a straight face?
HUTCHBACK
Yes. That's his comedy. It's all
based around keeping a straight
face.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah
HUTCHBACK
Sure. There's nothing more to it.
No jokes, just keep a straight
face. (Beat) OK. I don't think I
really want to go to Archway.
DR. NOSTRUM
I'm sure there is somewhere else
you can get, er, what you're
looking for...
HUTCHBACK
I mean you can't park.
DR. NOSTRUM
...and it might as well be a place
you can park.
HUTCHBACK
Yes.
DR. NOSTRUM
(distracted)
That's good.
HUTCHBACK
What?
DR. NOSTRUM
(looking at a totally
nondescript family car)
That car.
HUTCHBACK
Why
DR. NOSTRUM
I liked it.
HUTCHBACK
Why is it a good car?
DR. NOSTRUM
It looked useful.
HUTCHBACK
(trying to move on)
Erm...
DR. NOSTRUM
It looked like...
HUTCHBACK
It looked like you could just drive
it...
DR. NOSTRUM
Like it would get the job done...
HUTCHBACK
...and it would just go.
DR. NOSTRUM
...you could put things in it.
HUTCHBACK
(still trying to move on)
Erm...
DR. NOSTRUM
...and it's a good shape. (Pause)
Why don't you just go to Bee and
Queue...
HUTCHBACK
Oh. Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
...If you just drive for 15 minutes
in any direction you're bound to...
HUTCHBACK
No, I know where there's a Bee and
Queue, I just didn't particularly
want to go there, but I think I'm
going to have to.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yes, cos at least at Bee and Queue
you know what you'll get.
HUTCHBACK
We know we'll get treated like
shit! Yes.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, but you'll get... You don't get
treated at all, do you, you just
get what you want. You go in there
and you help yourself to what you
want. A little bit of what you
want...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, but then we don't get any
amusing interactions with the
locals.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, but er, I... It's not what I...
came out for.
HUTCHBACK
Ah, well you see.
DR. NOSTRUM
...it's alright, I enjoy the
diversion, but at the end of the
day, er, we've got to do some
work...
HUTCHBACK
This is work!
DR. NOSTRUM
...and... well, it is work, but
there's more work, which I no doubt
am going to have to do, which is
converting it for the masses, so
you know... that's one of the
things...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
So it's all very enjoyable, you put
it away, you lock it away in a
little space, I e-mail it to you
and you can just... delete it, and
we'll forget all about it.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. (Beat - back to the shopping)
They'll have Jim, er, I mean
they'll have Jar...
HUTCHBACK
Jim-Jar. I've got a Jim-Jar.
DR. NOSTRUM
(adamantly, looking at the
shops they are driving
past)
One of these places will sell...
HUTCHBACK
They won't sell...
DR. NOSTRUM
I'm sure...
HUTCHBACK
They won't sell Monkey Wrenches.
DR. NOSTRUM
There was a place here that had an
ironing board outside it once.
HUTCHBACK
That's not enough. OK, so let's
focus then...
DR. NOSTRUM
(The as yet unwritten TV
show on his mind)
No! I'm focusing... It's just
something I was thinking having
driven along this road, at some
point, I like the idea of the
place, L.A. New York, wherever, can
also be a place where you have
things that don't... you know, like
a body being wheeled down the road
on a gurney by a nurse.
HUTCHBACK
OK. That probably doesn't happen...
DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, no, no. But it doesn't
happen... (sarcasm) Like it happens
a lot here? You know, so, er.
HUTCHBACK
It's more likely I would think...
Well, no, I suppose. "Body On
Gurney"
DR. NOSTRUM
Well it was under a cloth, so it
might not have been a body, but,
nevertheless... and it wasn't a
comedy medical student run, it was
just some bloke, you know.
HUTCHBACK
Unlikely that it's "some bloke"
pushing a dead body... You didn't
think to, like, stop him and ask
him what he was doing or anything?
DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, why would I?
HUTCHBACK
(sarcastically)
Well, you know... why would you?
It's just a dead body.
DR. NOSTRUM
Um...
HUTCHBACK
There was a bloke carrying a large
sack with what looked like a body
in it...
DR. NOSTRUM
Well you wouldn't stop him and ask
him what he was doing, would you?
Really?
HUTCHBACK
Probably not. You'd probably call
the police.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yes.
HUTCHBACK
Erm, I wonder if people... That
would be quite a good experiment
wouldn't it?
DR. NOSTRUM
Just walk around with a big bag...
HUTCHBACK
Walk around with a big bag with
legs sticking out of it.
DR. NOSTRUM
And an arm. Actually I did see...
you remember er, (silence)
HUTCHBACK
Yeah?
DR. NOSTRUM
What was that? Something, Portrait
Of A Serial Killer name. Mike, or
whatever it was, it wasn't...
HUTCHBACK
Henry
DR. NOSTRUM
Henry, yes. So, er, there was, when
I was driving along, er, one of the
freeways in Nashville, there was
actually a bloke on the side of the
freeway with an enormous bag over
his shoulder, you know, literally a
huge bag, and he just put it down
and got in his car and drove off.
Don't know what he was doing,
but...
HUTCHBACK
Probably didn't have a dead body in
it.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, no, it was probably just junk,
but, you know...
HUTCHBACK
OK. So let's focus now.
DR. NOSTRUM
(back to the 'TV show')
So it can start with a guy just
looking out his window, saying
something like "They're all cunts
out there."
HUTCHBACK
(acting)
"They're all cunts out there!" Ah,
and it's the van, the Blue Van.
DR. NOSTRUM
Or, you know, you just open the
window, you know "What a cunt."
That's all
HUTCHBACK
So maybe... I don;t even think he
should live in L.A.
DR. NOSTRUM
Why?
Hutchback makes a face as if it were an unlikely scenario to
imagine.
DR. NOSTRUM (CONT'D)
Why? Why can't there be a place in
L.A you can do that? It's not
beyond the realm of possibility
that there is a street in L.A. you
can look out and there's something
parked outside on your street? That
can happen.
HUTCHBACK
OK, you know what?
DR. NOSTRUM
What?
HUTCHBACK
OK, so the reality... OK, it
doesn't matter, because it's not
the fact that you can't park, it's
the fact that it's in front of his
house that bother's him.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yes! It's the fact that it's in
front of his house, that's...
HUTCHBACK
That's what annoyed me. It wasn't
the fact that I couldn't park on
the road...
DR. NOSTRUM
No, I know that...
HUTCHBACK
Yes...
DR. NOSTRUM
...I know that...
HUTCHBACK
No, I'm just clarifying it for
myself.
DR. NOSTRUM
Clarifying your own life for
yourself.
HUTCHBACK
Clarifying my own life for myself.
That's why this character, i.e.
me...
DR. NOSTRUM
Yes, you do this character mostly,
it seems to be easier to base it on
things that happen to you, why not?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
OK?
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
Whereas the other character...
HUTCHBACK
But the guy in the Mental Asylum...
DR. NOSTRUM
...can be me.
HUTCHBACK
(highly amused)
...is much more likely to be you.
DR. NOSTRUM
Me. Alright, so that's fine, I'm
quite happy to split it like that.
And our other writer, Rat, can base
his experiences on someone who
knows what they're doing.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
Like Green.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah.
DR. NOSTRUM
So that seems a good split.
HUTCHBACK
Right.
DR. NOSTRUM
Plus the fact that whatshername,
who we should involve, is actually
in TV, which is great help
considering it's about TV.
HUTCHBACK
Oh, yeah, that's a good idea.
DR. NOSTRUM
You know, so... and, when you came
up with Green, she knows John
Frankenheimer, who this,
apparently, this is exactly what's
been happening to him... Is that he
was once this very serious... and
then no-one...
HUTCHBACK
He still makes films.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well he does, but no-one would give
him a job for years, he went
through this enormous crash where
he couldn't get a job, so...
HUTCHBACK
And he was doing MTV Base.
DR. NOSTRUM
So, she thought...
HUTCHBACK
(laughing)
Directing MTV
DR. NOSTRUM
So she thought you could base it on
him, cos she knows, you know, him,
personally and she knows his story
very well, so, it all, kind of,
gelled, you know?
HUTCHBACK
So, in other words, "We have some
momentum."
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, no, not really.
HUTCHBACK
No.
DR. NOSTRUM
I've had momentum before and this
isn't it.
Thursday, 29 July 2010
Drowned in Laze
A Tennessee summer in Nashville after a winter and floods unheard of in living memory and now the slow ooze of slippery heat leeches the will to stay sharp from The Doctor's Mind. Mrs. Doctor has been unable to suffer the stupidity by osmosis that is The South since we landed here, but your good Doctor has been faithfully fighting it off in an effort to be relevant to the modern world.
But it is relentless, the will in America to be bigger and cheaper, the rush to go backwards, as if they have left something worthwhile behind. There's a lot of room for comment and satire, but satire that is over the heads of those you satirize is a good way to get a punch on the nose for your smart ass opinions.
How do we drag the great white fat population with us when they need dragging? The Doctor and Hutchback are busy creating satirical Kargyraa, three voices at once. A big bass note of dumb, a winding middle voice of reality and a shrill top note of insanity.
But it is relentless, the will in America to be bigger and cheaper, the rush to go backwards, as if they have left something worthwhile behind. There's a lot of room for comment and satire, but satire that is over the heads of those you satirize is a good way to get a punch on the nose for your smart ass opinions.
How do we drag the great white fat population with us when they need dragging? The Doctor and Hutchback are busy creating satirical Kargyraa, three voices at once. A big bass note of dumb, a winding middle voice of reality and a shrill top note of insanity.
The Dark Night - Inception and Bloat
So, another film from Christopher Nolan. A Blockbuster with the big cheeses and fresh new cheeses and one particularly old over-ripe cheese. I heard before going that everyone wanted to work with him and after The Dark Knight he could probably have made any film he wanted. He did. I don't know who else would have wanted to make it. Unnecessary layers and levels that would have had the crickets rubbing their legs in joyous despair had it been a Shyamalan film. I went as deep as the snow filled layer before being overwhelmed by the pointlessness of it all.
The idea works, in his childhood the Doctor read a sci-fi novel where there were murders in dreams, and it needed two people to enter the dreamscape, both dreaming at the same time. Damned if I can remember the title of it. Anyway, this film is as bloated as Tom Berenger, who proudly joins the ranks of smoothly expanding former leading men, pioneered in the modern age by William Shatner (with James Spader doing his best to look like his son). Presumably this look is required to stay in the secret society formed by Orson Wells.
The idea works, in his childhood the Doctor read a sci-fi novel where there were murders in dreams, and it needed two people to enter the dreamscape, both dreaming at the same time. Damned if I can remember the title of it. Anyway, this film is as bloated as Tom Berenger, who proudly joins the ranks of smoothly expanding former leading men, pioneered in the modern age by William Shatner (with James Spader doing his best to look like his son). Presumably this look is required to stay in the secret society formed by Orson Wells.
Sunday, 12 April 2009
Oh what a lovely move I've made
The Dr is now resident in a castle in the cloud above Nashville having been thoroughly devoured in London. There's been no time for sentiment or sentiments, but I have been looking at tweeting; you know, "I'm on the toilet" or "I'm picking my nose" or maybe both at once if you're lucky. See you there dear robots.
Monday, 9 February 2009
2009 Predictions Part 5 - Bankers' Prison Island
The Hutchback is not normally an angry man. Yes, he performs hideous acts of barbarism on a daily basis, but these are not done out of anger, merely boredom.
(off topic: yes that was a reference to the Golden Dawn on tonight's Eastenders, what next Aleister Crowley turns up and sacrifices Minty to the god Horus).
These Bankers (or as we should refer to them Banksters) are set fair for a good few billion in bonuses. This is surely the equivalent of giving a mugger a tip after he has kneed you in the testicles and stolen your watch, wallet, and mobile phone.
So my prediction is that by the end of the year the world community will have set up prison islands in the South Atlantic, and we will ship the whole festering lot of them off to these desolate windblown frozen hellholes.
They can then sub-prime eachother to their hearts content.
(off topic: yes that was a reference to the Golden Dawn on tonight's Eastenders, what next Aleister Crowley turns up and sacrifices Minty to the god Horus).
These Bankers (or as we should refer to them Banksters) are set fair for a good few billion in bonuses. This is surely the equivalent of giving a mugger a tip after he has kneed you in the testicles and stolen your watch, wallet, and mobile phone.
So my prediction is that by the end of the year the world community will have set up prison islands in the South Atlantic, and we will ship the whole festering lot of them off to these desolate windblown frozen hellholes.
They can then sub-prime eachother to their hearts content.
Sunday, 8 February 2009
All Talk 59 - Animals in Hardware
(they’re now walking down the street to the tool shop)
HUTCHBACK
Ok, so, here. She told me I can’t go in here. No. I need to buy a.. I need to buy a.. What does she want?
DR. NOSTRUM
Who?
HUTCHBACK
She. The wife. (mocking) Who? Who’s she? She wants to get some kind of.. oh, fuck, some kind of jar.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, you can always ask in the shop. “I’d like some kind of jar.”
HUTCHBACK
A jar to put something into, but I can’t remember what, because...
DR. NOSTRUM
Flowers?
HUTCHBACK
No, cause we’ve already flour.. no, n, no, no, no, we’ve got a flour.. I need.. I said I’d buy her a cake tin, (pause) but she also wanted a jar.
DR. NOSTRUM
Pickles?
HUTCHBACK
No, to put stuff into.
DR. NOSTRUM
Get her a Mason jar.
HUTCHBACK
Well, yeah, I know, we’ve bought loads of them, but I don’t know what size to get if I don’t know what’s going in it, do I? I mean I might buy this small one and she goes “NO!” or, I might get a huge one and...
DR. NOSTRUM
(imitating) “NO!”
HUTCHBACK
...and it’s just for nuts.
(they walk a little further to the ironmonger, it’s an old fashioned shop with a sparse selection of tools in packs hanging on pegs on the wall – HUTCHBACK points to a lonely tool high up, out of reach)
Ah, you see, look, there it is! That’s just what I want!
DR. NOSTRUM
But do you want that, or do you want that?
HUTCHBACK
Huh?
DR. NOSTRUM
Those. The water pump pliers?
HUTCHBACK
Oh.
DR. NOSTRUM
More secure. Too big maybe, but if you get a smaller version of that, they’re better than those.
HUTCHBACK
And cheaper.
DR. NOSTRUM
Are they? Then they’re probably worse.
HUTCHBACK
No, cause those (his first choice) slip.
DR. NOSTRUM
But they don’t look like they’ve got them, so..
HUTCHBACK
You know what, I don’t think that’s going to work because it’s round. I need something that clamps. I need a monkey wrench!
DR. NOSTRUM
No, you just need an adjustable, er..
HUTCHBACK
I need a monkey wrench, yeah, the one that you can clip together.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well.. where did that come from, when do monkey’s..?
HUTCHBACK
I don’t know where it came from but it’s called a monkey wrench.
DR. NOSTRUM
Are you sure?
HUTCHBACK
Yes. It’s definitely called a monkey wrench. You know, cause monkey’s are very.. they’ve got flexible tails, haven’t they? They’re very pre-hensile.
DR. NOSTRUM
I’m not sure that’s what they are.
HUTCHBACK
Well shall I ask him for a monkey wrench and see what he brings out?
DR. NOSTRUM
What kind of monkey?
HUTCHBACK
(scouring the display) He doesn’t have a monkey wrench.
DR. NOSTRUM
A Rhesus monkey? An orangutan? That’s an ape.
(They move to the counter, where there’s a customer being served)
HUTCHBACK
Well, if it’s not up there he’s not going to have one is he? How about just getting those large pair of secuters?
DR. NOSTRUM
I’ve bought a few of those.
HUTCHBACK
Or an axe?
DR. NOSTRUM
Yep, I’ve bought an axe. I’ve bought most of the things on this wall actually.
HUTCHBACK
You could basically.. I mean, this is where serial killers come isn’t it?
DR. NOSTRUM
They could get better tools than this.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, but they wouldn’t go to a big store cos then they might be on cctv, they’d come to a small shop like this.
DR. NOSTRUM
You think?
HUTCHBACK
Yep. Hacksaw, axe, secuters. That’s all you need. (beat – The Ironmoger finishes with his suspiciously serial killer like customer and is ready for HUTCHBACK, who speaks very slowly fearing the man is of poor education) Do you have a monkey wrench?
IRONMONGER
Yes
HUTCHBACK
You do?
IRONMONGER
Yes.
HUTCHBACK
Is it what I think it is though? I’m asking for something and I don’t actually know if it’s the right thing.
IRONMONGER
Right.
HUTCHBACK
I need something to clamp onto a round.. thing.. to, like, er... (mimes clamping a wrench)
IRONMONGER
Yes.
HUTCHBACK
...to turn.
IRONMONGER
Okey-doke, I’ll pull out something from the back (he scuttles off)
HUTCHBACK
(to the DR.) See?
DR. NOSTRUM
Let’s see what he brings out.
HUTCHBACK
He’ll bring out a monkey holding a wrench.
DR. NOSTRUM
Maybe. Maybe that’s what it is.
HUTCHBACK
They are called monkey wrenches, I’m sure that’s what it is. Thing is, I’m buying this for a very specific purpose, will I ever need it again?
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, they’re very useful.
HUTCHBACK
You don’t even know what it is!
DR. NOSTRUM
No, but I know a clamping wrench is very useful. For all sorts of things.
HUTCHBACK
Mainly clamping type activities. Anything here take your fancy?
(the IRONMONGER returns)
IRONMONGER
Is that what you want?
HUTCHBACK
That is what I want! I don’t know if it’s big enough though, um, let me have a look. Ooh. How wide does it open? (the IRONMONGER shows him)
DR. NOSTRUM
No, it’s not big enough.
IRONMONGER
No, I’ll see if I’ve got bigger ones.
HUTCHBACK
Yeah
DR. NOSTRUM
(to IRONMONGER) Why are they called monkey wrenches?
HUTCHBACK
No one knows.
IRONMONGER
Well, these are mole grips actually. I mean.. yes...
HUTCHBACK
Oh, are they called mole grips? Well, Mole Grips!
IRONMONGER
...I think monkey wrenches are the waterproof ones.
HUTCHBACK
Oh, right.
IRONMONGER
I sell these all the time, I got 2 or 3 types. (he disappears again)
DR. NOSTRUM
That’s the logic behind it.
HUTCHBACK
Well, monkeys are more waterproof, typically, than moles.
DR. NOSTRUM
I don’t know.
HUTCHBACK
No, they would be! Moles and water don’t go together at all.
DR. NOSTRUM
A monkey wrench and mole grips. A parrot..?
HUTCHBACK
Parrot claw?
(a call comes from the back)
IRONMONGER
That’s the biggest one we’ve got at the moment.
HUTCHBACK
Oh. Ok.
IRONMONGER
Are there any hanging up?
HUTCHBACK
No, you’ve just got, um, normal, er wotsits. Alright then.
IRONMONGER
Sorry
HUTCHBACK
Alright, no worries.
IRONMONGER
Er, Thomas Brothers at the Archway, where the roundabout after Suicide Bridge is, try them.
HUTCHBACK
Alright then, thank you. (they leave and walk off at pace back towards the car) See!
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, I’m wracking my brain now, I’m trying to think what other implements there are.
Saturday, 7 February 2009
All Talk 58 - Shopping at Warmongers via Will Self
SOME MONTHS PASS...
DR. NOSTRUM and HUTCHBACK have taken a break to write the second draft of their meisterwerk CELEBRITY AUSCHWITZ, but more of that later... As we drop in, The DR. is telling HUTCHBACK of a radio station he picked up by accident but could only find in an extremely small area of North London. It may have been Will Self on his CB.
HUTCHBACK
Is it aimed purely at Jews?
DR. NOSTRUM
I don’t know, I don’t think so.
HUTCHBACK
You could only pick it up between Swiss Cottage and Golders Green; The Hampstead, Swiss Cottage, Golders Green golden Jewish triangle.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, but I mean I tried to find it later, but all I could find was dance music.
HUTCHBACK
Well, search for it, search for it.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, maybe..
HUTCHBACK
Are you sure it was Will Self?
DR. NOSTRUM
No I'm not sure it's Will Self, but he was talking about.. and then..
HUTCHBACK
I mean there can’t be that many people that sound like Will Self.
DR. NOSTRUM
No… and that's what I thought and also.. also it was the manner of the speaking.. he was talking about (puts on Will Self voice and starts misquoting) "the Great Emblotchment of the 1920's was a scandal that reached worldwide" and then went on to tell a 10 minute story about the Great Emblotchment about how "and Emblotchment spread throughout the Universe and thus we all became Emblotched, it was started accidentally by William Pitt the Elder.”
HUTCHBACK
Ah
DR. NOSTRUM
It just seemed to be, er, (pause) him.
HUTCHBACK
Or someone pretending to be him.
DR. NOSTRUM
Someone pretending to be him. Which seems pointless
HUTCHBACK
Why pretend to be Will Self when you could pretend to be, you know, George Bush Senior?
DR. NOSTRUM
Are you recording?
HUTCHBACK
Yes, I’m recording. This is a recording.
(They leave the HUTCHBACK's lair, the hated Blue Van is parked just down the street a little)
HUTCHBACK
You see I’m so paranoid now about the Blue Van that I get nervous when I think, ‘Well, how long am I going for?’
DR. NOSTRUM
Thinking he’s going to move it back in.
HUTCHBACK
‘Will he be looking out of his window...
DR. NOSTRUM
Waiting for you.
HUTCHBACK
...waiting for his moment so he can reverse into my space and break down again. The cunt. The Great Emblotchment.
(They get onto the HUTCHBACK's Trap, the search for tools has begun)
HUTCHBACK
Should I go to a Corporate Megastore..
DR. NOSTRUM
No! It doesn’t matter, anywhere.
HUTCHBACK
No, no, I’m not asking you...
DR. NOSTRUM
Ok.
HUTCHBACK
...I’m debating it out loud...
DR. NOSTRUM
Well...
HUTCHBACK
...deciding whether to give my money to a Corporate Megastore..
DR. NOSTRUM
...don’t debate it out loud, just debate it internally and turn up somewhere.
HUTCHBACK
No, well, either I go left or.. oh, I’m going straight on. cos now this is more of a random drive, than an actual focused..
DR. NOSTRUM
What, are you just going to drive until you see a Bee and queue?
HUTCHBACK
No, no, I know where the Bee and Queue is..
DR. NOSTRUM
Well there’s one every 600 yards.
HUTCHBACK
Particularly on this stretch of road. No. You know what, I’m being an idiot there is a Tool shop just down the road.
DR. NOSTRUM
So you go in there and say “I need a tool.”
HUTCHBACK
I need a tool, can you help me? I’m missing a tool.
DR. NOSTRUM
And he brings out a row of, er, characters, from the back of the shop. (pause) So what..
HUTCHBACK
Along with one slightly, slightly used penis.
DR. NOSTRUM
What is the..
HUTCHBACK
Oh, that was quite good.. Oh, sorry, go on.
DR. NOSTRUM
What will this tool be used for?
HUTCHBACK
I just want a tool.
DR. NOSTRUM
That will both butter my toast and unscrew a light bulb.
HUTCHBACK
And make my wife love me, again. (pause) See, now I’ve forgotten what I was going to say, you see, that’s the problem.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, it’s not a problem, cos if it’s good enough it’ll come back.
HUTCHBACK
No, it isn’t good enough, it’s actually something I wanted to say.
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh (pause) something about tools? Something about a tool that you need?
HUTCHBACK
No. If I’d have interrupted your interruption I’d have been alright.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, but it can’t have been.. Nothing is important. (pause) Really.
HUTCHBACK
In the great words of Freddie Mercury.
DR. NOSTRUM
Is that what he said?
HUTCHBACK
(a near miss whilst driving) Ooooh!
DR. NOSTRUM
D’you ever have that opinion that Talk radio is just a lot of people’s opinions about stuff.
HUTCHBACK
I don’t think that’s so much an opinion as a statement of fact.
DR. NOSTRUM
It just seems that when I think about how they promote themselves and then they’ve got all these programmes relentlessly on where people call in and tell you what they think about things. It’s just, all they are is just a series of people calling up and telling you what they think about things, it’s just a waste of time.
HUTCHBACK
Mm.
DR. NOSTRUM
It’s really pointless. I mean the idea of broadcasting that... as if people calling you up and telling you what they’re thinking is worth broadcasting to the nation...
HUTCHBACK
It’s a public service.
DR. NOSTRUM
...It’s a crazy idea.
HUTCHBACK
It’s a public service.
DR. NOSTRUM
It seems that the chief quality required by the DJ is the ability to say, “I just need to hurry you up there.” (pause) Um, this is where I was driving down where I saw a guy wheeling a gurney with a body on it...
HUTCHBACK
Really
DR. NOSTRUM
...under a sheet, yeah.
HUTCHBACK
See, there you go, ‘Local Ironmongers’. You don’t see Ironmongers much anymore, do you?
DR. NOSTRUM
I don’t know how you monger iron anyway.
HUTCHBACK
(irate member of the public voice) “Stop mongering that iron, yer bastard! Didn’t anyone tell you it was rude?”
DR. NOSTRUM
I wonder what the difference between mongering iron and fish is? Not much.
HUTCHBACK
Yep
DR. NOSTRUM
It’s all in the display.
HUTCHBACK
(musing) Mongering.
DR. NOSTRUM
There aren’t many mongers. It’s not.. There’s no.. there’s no Greenmonger...
HUTCHBACK
Well no, but the.. the...
DR. NOSTRUM
They’re grocers.
HUTCHBACK
But then what does a Warmonger do?
DR. NOSTRUM
He lays all the wars out...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, puts out a nice bit of green baize, sort of a green artificial grass, erm, price’s it up, and um, and then you get, you get your...
DR. NOSTRUM
Dictators coming in buying ‘em up.
HUTCHBACK
And then you buy it by the pound.
DR. NOSTRUM
“How much is your 1914-18?”
HUTCHBACK
“How much is the, um, Crimea? Nice bit of Crimea.”
DR. NOSTRUM and HUTCHBACK have taken a break to write the second draft of their meisterwerk CELEBRITY AUSCHWITZ, but more of that later... As we drop in, The DR. is telling HUTCHBACK of a radio station he picked up by accident but could only find in an extremely small area of North London. It may have been Will Self on his CB.
HUTCHBACK
Is it aimed purely at Jews?
DR. NOSTRUM
I don’t know, I don’t think so.
HUTCHBACK
You could only pick it up between Swiss Cottage and Golders Green; The Hampstead, Swiss Cottage, Golders Green golden Jewish triangle.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, but I mean I tried to find it later, but all I could find was dance music.
HUTCHBACK
Well, search for it, search for it.
DR. NOSTRUM
Well, maybe..
HUTCHBACK
Are you sure it was Will Self?
DR. NOSTRUM
No I'm not sure it's Will Self, but he was talking about.. and then..
HUTCHBACK
I mean there can’t be that many people that sound like Will Self.
DR. NOSTRUM
No… and that's what I thought and also.. also it was the manner of the speaking.. he was talking about (puts on Will Self voice and starts misquoting) "the Great Emblotchment of the 1920's was a scandal that reached worldwide" and then went on to tell a 10 minute story about the Great Emblotchment about how "and Emblotchment spread throughout the Universe and thus we all became Emblotched, it was started accidentally by William Pitt the Elder.”
HUTCHBACK
Ah
DR. NOSTRUM
It just seemed to be, er, (pause) him.
HUTCHBACK
Or someone pretending to be him.
DR. NOSTRUM
Someone pretending to be him. Which seems pointless
HUTCHBACK
Why pretend to be Will Self when you could pretend to be, you know, George Bush Senior?
DR. NOSTRUM
Are you recording?
HUTCHBACK
Yes, I’m recording. This is a recording.
(They leave the HUTCHBACK's lair, the hated Blue Van is parked just down the street a little)
HUTCHBACK
You see I’m so paranoid now about the Blue Van that I get nervous when I think, ‘Well, how long am I going for?’
DR. NOSTRUM
Thinking he’s going to move it back in.
HUTCHBACK
‘Will he be looking out of his window...
DR. NOSTRUM
Waiting for you.
HUTCHBACK
...waiting for his moment so he can reverse into my space and break down again. The cunt. The Great Emblotchment.
(They get onto the HUTCHBACK's Trap, the search for tools has begun)
HUTCHBACK
Should I go to a Corporate Megastore..
DR. NOSTRUM
No! It doesn’t matter, anywhere.
HUTCHBACK
No, no, I’m not asking you...
DR. NOSTRUM
Ok.
HUTCHBACK
...I’m debating it out loud...
DR. NOSTRUM
Well...
HUTCHBACK
...deciding whether to give my money to a Corporate Megastore..
DR. NOSTRUM
...don’t debate it out loud, just debate it internally and turn up somewhere.
HUTCHBACK
No, well, either I go left or.. oh, I’m going straight on. cos now this is more of a random drive, than an actual focused..
DR. NOSTRUM
What, are you just going to drive until you see a Bee and queue?
HUTCHBACK
No, no, I know where the Bee and Queue is..
DR. NOSTRUM
Well there’s one every 600 yards.
HUTCHBACK
Particularly on this stretch of road. No. You know what, I’m being an idiot there is a Tool shop just down the road.
DR. NOSTRUM
So you go in there and say “I need a tool.”
HUTCHBACK
I need a tool, can you help me? I’m missing a tool.
DR. NOSTRUM
And he brings out a row of, er, characters, from the back of the shop. (pause) So what..
HUTCHBACK
Along with one slightly, slightly used penis.
DR. NOSTRUM
What is the..
HUTCHBACK
Oh, that was quite good.. Oh, sorry, go on.
DR. NOSTRUM
What will this tool be used for?
HUTCHBACK
I just want a tool.
DR. NOSTRUM
That will both butter my toast and unscrew a light bulb.
HUTCHBACK
And make my wife love me, again. (pause) See, now I’ve forgotten what I was going to say, you see, that’s the problem.
DR. NOSTRUM
No, it’s not a problem, cos if it’s good enough it’ll come back.
HUTCHBACK
No, it isn’t good enough, it’s actually something I wanted to say.
DR. NOSTRUM
Oh (pause) something about tools? Something about a tool that you need?
HUTCHBACK
No. If I’d have interrupted your interruption I’d have been alright.
DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, but it can’t have been.. Nothing is important. (pause) Really.
HUTCHBACK
In the great words of Freddie Mercury.
DR. NOSTRUM
Is that what he said?
HUTCHBACK
(a near miss whilst driving) Ooooh!
DR. NOSTRUM
D’you ever have that opinion that Talk radio is just a lot of people’s opinions about stuff.
HUTCHBACK
I don’t think that’s so much an opinion as a statement of fact.
DR. NOSTRUM
It just seems that when I think about how they promote themselves and then they’ve got all these programmes relentlessly on where people call in and tell you what they think about things. It’s just, all they are is just a series of people calling up and telling you what they think about things, it’s just a waste of time.
HUTCHBACK
Mm.
DR. NOSTRUM
It’s really pointless. I mean the idea of broadcasting that... as if people calling you up and telling you what they’re thinking is worth broadcasting to the nation...
HUTCHBACK
It’s a public service.
DR. NOSTRUM
...It’s a crazy idea.
HUTCHBACK
It’s a public service.
DR. NOSTRUM
It seems that the chief quality required by the DJ is the ability to say, “I just need to hurry you up there.” (pause) Um, this is where I was driving down where I saw a guy wheeling a gurney with a body on it...
HUTCHBACK
Really
DR. NOSTRUM
...under a sheet, yeah.
HUTCHBACK
See, there you go, ‘Local Ironmongers’. You don’t see Ironmongers much anymore, do you?
DR. NOSTRUM
I don’t know how you monger iron anyway.
HUTCHBACK
(irate member of the public voice) “Stop mongering that iron, yer bastard! Didn’t anyone tell you it was rude?”
DR. NOSTRUM
I wonder what the difference between mongering iron and fish is? Not much.
HUTCHBACK
Yep
DR. NOSTRUM
It’s all in the display.
HUTCHBACK
(musing) Mongering.
DR. NOSTRUM
There aren’t many mongers. It’s not.. There’s no.. there’s no Greenmonger...
HUTCHBACK
Well no, but the.. the...
DR. NOSTRUM
They’re grocers.
HUTCHBACK
But then what does a Warmonger do?
DR. NOSTRUM
He lays all the wars out...
HUTCHBACK
Yeah, puts out a nice bit of green baize, sort of a green artificial grass, erm, price’s it up, and um, and then you get, you get your...
DR. NOSTRUM
Dictators coming in buying ‘em up.
HUTCHBACK
And then you buy it by the pound.
DR. NOSTRUM
“How much is your 1914-18?”
HUTCHBACK
“How much is the, um, Crimea? Nice bit of Crimea.”
Friday, 6 February 2009
Love in the time of Diarrhoea
You may wonder where your loyal humpback has been these past weeks. Let’s put it this way, you know what an admirer of Joseph Fritzl’s work the Dr is, well he calls it a re-enactment, I call it unfair working conditions. But we are expecting our first child in 13 months time (the Hutchback biology is somewhat unique) so some good has come of it.
Now when we last spoke I mentioned the fact that I had met a French jolie dame and was in love. I feel now is the time to expand on this. As you know I spent a hectic few days in a rather odd French town, I believe the locals referred to it as Seule. And the dialect of French they spoke was incomprehensible to these cauliflower ears. My last night was rather incident packed and now I can recount the tale.
Having spent the day with a gurgling bowel from my strange breakfast of gristly soup (with added dog collar) – I was in need of some kind of assistance. I wandered the frantic streets and alleyways, the whole town seemed to be out and I had to dodge many a careening Frenchman. I at last found some peace in a side street that looked empty except for one small café.
I include the picture here for elucidation. It was a jolly enough place and I thought that a coffee would calm my intestinal torment. The French make a good coffee and as you can see from the photograph the two Frenchmen (or is one a ventriloquist and the other a dummy, can’t quite make out) appear to be enjoying a cup of their national drink.
So I entered and sat down. The café was empty except for a very old and frail lady who stooped at the counter with a damp cloth. Eventually she noticed me and came over. Now as you know my attempts to converse in French had so far been quite futile. I must have really forgotten so much as to be incomprehensible. Mr Wilson the erudite owner of the travelling freak show where I spent my formative years would have been so disappointed with my decline in linguistic skills he would have loudly tutted, then he would have lashed me to within an inch of my life and thrown me into a pit.
I tried to ask her for something calming for my poor gut, but she didn’t understand. So sign language would have to do. I mimed drinking a cup and grimacing and rubbing my stomach. She looked at me sadly through rheumy eyes and said nothing, I then stood up and mimed (convincingly) a man in desperate need of a shit. Something seemed to click and the ancient barrista uttered a few garbled words of English. “You wan spesho bowl coffee?”. Bowl coffee, Bowel coffee, hmm sounded just what I needed.
The kindly old lady moved away towards the back of the shop and then for some reason beckoned me over to the shabby curtain that barred entry to the back room. I assumed this was the room where the Bowel Coffee was served.
I followed her inside and saw a bed covered in a plastic sheet in the middle of the room. Most odd. Then the oddness increased by a factor. The wizened crone said something remarkable: “Drop your tlousa, prease” Incredible, what was this – a come on – how marvelous.
Now you may wonder about Mrs H, and where my heart lay. Well I refer to Mrs H as my wife but she is not really my wife, in fact she hardly knows me. You would more accurately describe her as being vaguely aware of me as an unspecified sense of dread that accompanies her when she walks home. We have never actually met, but this is purely circumstantial for she will at some point come within grabbing distance of the laurel bush where I lie in wait for her every evening.
Anyway though I love Mrs H the offer of a night of torrid (though rather dry) passion with the old coffee lady seemed a wonderful prospect. I dropped my pants and unwrapped the old newspapers that I use as underwear. The lady then made me lie face down on the plastic wrapped bed. What delights lay ahead. I close my eyes and waited for the hand of pleasure to be applied to by crumpled body.
Aargh, my poor piles. She had shoved some kind of pipe right up my arsehole. She liked it rough clearly. I opened my eyes to see what was happening back there just in time to see her pour the entire contents of the coffee urn into a funnel which was attached to the tube which had been mainlined straight into my rectum. Now I’ve heard of this type of things before, but I believe it is more normal to use cold coffee in this process. As I passed out from the pain I caught a glimpse of my new love as she went back in the front room no doubt to fetch a freshly boiled refill.
Now when we last spoke I mentioned the fact that I had met a French jolie dame and was in love. I feel now is the time to expand on this. As you know I spent a hectic few days in a rather odd French town, I believe the locals referred to it as Seule. And the dialect of French they spoke was incomprehensible to these cauliflower ears. My last night was rather incident packed and now I can recount the tale.
Having spent the day with a gurgling bowel from my strange breakfast of gristly soup (with added dog collar) – I was in need of some kind of assistance. I wandered the frantic streets and alleyways, the whole town seemed to be out and I had to dodge many a careening Frenchman. I at last found some peace in a side street that looked empty except for one small café.
I include the picture here for elucidation. It was a jolly enough place and I thought that a coffee would calm my intestinal torment. The French make a good coffee and as you can see from the photograph the two Frenchmen (or is one a ventriloquist and the other a dummy, can’t quite make out) appear to be enjoying a cup of their national drink.
So I entered and sat down. The café was empty except for a very old and frail lady who stooped at the counter with a damp cloth. Eventually she noticed me and came over. Now as you know my attempts to converse in French had so far been quite futile. I must have really forgotten so much as to be incomprehensible. Mr Wilson the erudite owner of the travelling freak show where I spent my formative years would have been so disappointed with my decline in linguistic skills he would have loudly tutted, then he would have lashed me to within an inch of my life and thrown me into a pit.
I tried to ask her for something calming for my poor gut, but she didn’t understand. So sign language would have to do. I mimed drinking a cup and grimacing and rubbing my stomach. She looked at me sadly through rheumy eyes and said nothing, I then stood up and mimed (convincingly) a man in desperate need of a shit. Something seemed to click and the ancient barrista uttered a few garbled words of English. “You wan spesho bowl coffee?”. Bowl coffee, Bowel coffee, hmm sounded just what I needed.
The kindly old lady moved away towards the back of the shop and then for some reason beckoned me over to the shabby curtain that barred entry to the back room. I assumed this was the room where the Bowel Coffee was served.
I followed her inside and saw a bed covered in a plastic sheet in the middle of the room. Most odd. Then the oddness increased by a factor. The wizened crone said something remarkable: “Drop your tlousa, prease” Incredible, what was this – a come on – how marvelous.
Now you may wonder about Mrs H, and where my heart lay. Well I refer to Mrs H as my wife but she is not really my wife, in fact she hardly knows me. You would more accurately describe her as being vaguely aware of me as an unspecified sense of dread that accompanies her when she walks home. We have never actually met, but this is purely circumstantial for she will at some point come within grabbing distance of the laurel bush where I lie in wait for her every evening.
Anyway though I love Mrs H the offer of a night of torrid (though rather dry) passion with the old coffee lady seemed a wonderful prospect. I dropped my pants and unwrapped the old newspapers that I use as underwear. The lady then made me lie face down on the plastic wrapped bed. What delights lay ahead. I close my eyes and waited for the hand of pleasure to be applied to by crumpled body.
Aargh, my poor piles. She had shoved some kind of pipe right up my arsehole. She liked it rough clearly. I opened my eyes to see what was happening back there just in time to see her pour the entire contents of the coffee urn into a funnel which was attached to the tube which had been mainlined straight into my rectum. Now I’ve heard of this type of things before, but I believe it is more normal to use cold coffee in this process. As I passed out from the pain I caught a glimpse of my new love as she went back in the front room no doubt to fetch a freshly boiled refill.
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