All Talk 73 - I Had Those Rubbery Earplugs

HUTCHBACK
But I very much doubt it.

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. Um. OK. So is that enough?
That's enough. And then you've just
got, you know, Jack's face hardens
or something like that.

HUTCHBACK
No, that's it, it cuts to him back
at home.

DR. NOSTRUM
Oh.

HUTCHBACK
Because he's saying... he's telling
his wife he's told them to go screw
themselves and then she says... She
makes him do it basically.

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah.

HUTCHBACK
He doesn't want to do it, she makes
him do it.

DR. NOSTRUM
"Back at home with the fourth
trophy wife planning the barmitzvah
to end all barmitzvah's"

HUTCHBACK
And she's just got the bill for the
plastic surgery.

DR. NOSTRUM
OK.

HUTCHBACK
No, she has to get the plastic
surgery done before the barmitzvah.

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, course she does, but...

HUTCHBACK
(imitating Jewish whine)
"I got the plastic surgery, the
barmitzvah's coming up..."

DR. NOSTRUM
That was too Jewish. I think she's
a WASP is the thing. That's why I
like it. Is that she's an absolute
dyed straight in the wool blue eyed
blonde haired WASP.

HUTCHBACK
Oh yeah, that's it.

DR. NOSTRUM
SO, that's good, "she's a blue eyed
blonde haired fourth trophy wife
WASP planning the barmitzvah to end
all barmitzvah's"... Cut to him
back at home... "blue eyed... end
all barmitzvah's for Jack's...
hideous son" can we say that?
"hideous ungrateful son"

HUTCHBACK
Fat.

DR. NOSTRUM
No, there's too much fat. It
doesn't matter.

HUTCHBACK
Skinny.

DR. NOSTRUM
"Hideous ungrateful son..." um, so
he's ranting? Is he ranting? He's
ranting about the meeting and who
do they think he is etcetera."Etc.
She reels off all the costs coming
up including her plastic surgery
tweaks before meeting the Rabbi and
forces him to take the job." OK?

HUTCHBACK
Mm-hmm.

DR. NOSTRUM
OK. So that's him. Jimmy. See I
thought we had a good thing with
Jimmy anyway, what we see is the
lovely house and the film star
picking him up in the car outside
the lovely house and driving him
off home, which is whatever clinic
it was. "Jimmy comes out.." OK.
"comes out of the front door of a
gorgeous mansion house (huge burp)
with a suitcase in hand where he's
picked up by a gorgeous film star
leading lady in a convertible... in
a sixties convertible Ferrari." OK.
God, and it capitalises Ferrari for
you. Imagine the work that goes
into that. You have to think about
that: it capitalises Ferrari for
you automatically.

HUTCHBACK
(yawns)
Someone's gotta do it. It's just a
database. Um, we should call it...

DR. NOSTRUM
Call what? The home?

HUTCHBACK
No, no, the film we referred to, is
going to be called 'The
Mongolian..."

DR. NOSTRUM
OK.

HUTCHBACK
No, no I'm not... i'm just... it
has to be clear that it is someone
of Frankenheimer's...

DR. NOSTRUM
What can we call it? We can call
it...

HUTCHBACK
It's 'The Mongolian Aspirant'

DR. NOSTRUM
Could we do something cleverer than
that? Like Kazakh or something, I
don't know. 'The Iraqist' or
something, I don't know. No.

HUTCHBACK
No it's gotta be something really
obvious.

DR. NOSTRUM
The Mongolian... OK. 'The Mongolian
Aspirant'. What did America ever do
in Mongolia?

HUTCHBACK
It had nothing to do with
Manchuria.

DR. NOSTRUM
No. I know that, it's just I like
the idea of the... Alright
'Aspirant' I like 'Aspirant'.
Doesn't matter, that's fine.

HUTCHBACK
They were never... None of the film
was in Manchuria.

DR. NOSTRUM
It was a codename for the thing...

HUTCHBACK
Yeah

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah.

HUTCHBACK
It was set in Vietnam. Well, bits
of it were in Vietnam.

DR. NOSTRUM
OK. Um. It's gonna correct my
bloody grammar now. Look at that
it's even asking me if I want it to
stop automatically correcting... I
don't care. They don't give you
that option do they? "I don't
care".

HUTCHBACK
"Fuck off" "Go fuck yourself"

DR. NOSTRUM
OK. So, "Jimmy comes out of the
front door of a gorgeous mansion
house, suitcase in hand and is
picked up" er "by a beautiful film
star..."

HUTCHBACK
"kisses him on the cheek... the
girl picks up his bag, puts it in
the boot. He looks like he's a man
of... he's got gorgeous women at
his feet" and then and then and
then and then "they drive off...
beautiful sunny day..."

DR. NOSTRUM
"and she starts telling him about
her latest film"

HUTCHBACK
No no, she just...

DR. NOSTRUM
No?

HUTCHBACK
No. And then she says "Are you sure
you've got all your meds Jimmy?"
And then he starts kind of...

DR. NOSTRUM
"...have you got your
prescription?"

Hutchback makes noises of a crazed person that needs meds.

DR. NOSTRUM (CONT'D)
"...and puts it in the trunk. They
drive off. She tuns to him and
asks..."

HUTCHBACK
Or, No. She says "Honey we need to
go pick up your meds now."

DR. NOSTRUM
What? OK. She could say "Did they
give you your prescription?"

HUTCHBACK
"Have you got your prescription, we
need to go and pick up your meds
now."

DR. NOSTRUM
"Did they give you your script?" Is
what they call it.

HUTCHBACK
OK. "Did they give you your
script?"

DR. NOSTRUM
"Did they..." Which is quite
interesting that they say that "Did
they give you your script?" Is
quite good.

HUTCHBACK
Oh. "Have you got the script?"

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. No, well, they say do you
have your script.

HUTCHBACK
No, I know, but she could say "have
you got your script"

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah.

HUTCHBACK
Because of it's double meaning.

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah I know, that's what I'm
saying.

HUTCHBACK
"Have you got the script?"

DR. NOSTRUM
Hang on. "... script? He fishes in
his case..."

HUTCHBACK
He fishes in his case.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, whatever. His pockets, he
fishes in his pockets.

HUTCHBACK
And she says "What..." no, she says
"So what is it this time?" And he
starts reading, um, reading out the
list of drugs that he's... So you
don't actually see him, you don't
see what he's holding, he just
starts reading out a list of drugs
that he needs.
Well, I need to have my forty
milligrams of... diazepam, um..."

DR. NOSTRUM
OK. So "Have you got the script?
What is it?" And then...

HUTCHBACK
"What is it this time?"

DR. NOSTRUM
OK. So you say we're not looking at
him we just hear...

HUTCHBACK
She's just driving, she's talking
to him.

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah.

HUTCHBACK
And then he starts reading out the,
er... That's nice.

DR. NOSTRUM
I don't think we should judge it.
Anyway, it just is, something. Er,
"Jimmy starts reading out a list of
prescription, er, a list of drugs,
of prescription drugs that goes on
for about thirty seconds." OK?

HUTCHBACK
Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM
And she says "OK. Honey, we'll stop
on the way." And then we can have
some conversation, so what have you
been up to. I don't know if we can
do this rigth away but I like the
idea, she says, "Oh, I've got to go
back into rehearsals with my
Tourette..." um "I've gotta go back
into the Shakespeare rehearsals."
So we don't mention what it is. Cos
I like the idea of her cause
being...

HUTCHBACK
Oh, her cause.

DR. NOSTRUM
Being, you know...

HUTCHBACK
Oh, no that comes in later.

DR. NOSTRUM
No, but what I'm saying, tom
mention what she's been up to "I've
gotta go back into rehearsals for
the Shakespeare."

HUTCHBACK
"For my group"

DR. NOSTRUM
I don't know. I don't think you
have to say what it is at all.

HUTCHBACK
"Shakespeare." "Shakespeare group."
Then you find out it's the...
(finding their own idea absurd)
Tourettes.

Nostrum chuckles like Muttley.

HUTCHBACK (CONT'D)
No, no, she's not in rehearsals
with them, she's, she's the, er,
she's the...

DR. NOSTRUM
Director.

HUTCHBACK
No, no. No no no no no. No. She's
the, er... Fuck. What are they
called?

DR. NOSTRUM
I don't know.

HUTCHBACK
The, um... When someone is the,
um... Benefactor! She's the
benefactor.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, yeah. I mean we don't know
what she is, I'm just saying she
says...
If he says "What have you been up
to?" She would say, "Oh, I've got
to go back to rehearsals..."

HUTCHBACK
"with the Shakespeare group."

DR. NOSTRUM
"for the Shakespeare group." Or
something like that. OK... So. It's
like "we're on in..." er "we're
on..." "They're on in a few nights"
Oh, "They're on on Thursday" it
doesn't matter. "They're on on
Thursday and I've got to get them,
I've got to get the drive of
the..." What have you got to get?
If you were doing a play? Just a
serious play, what would be going
on? I remember Griff Rhys Jones was
talking about this, he was
directing this play and it was
terrible and he was desperately
trying to get them to do something
and I couldn't remember what he was
saying. "I've got to get..." he was
trying to get something across,
through the play, to the audience,
which the people playing it just
couldn't do, they were rubbish and
it was driving him nuts. Um. Did
you see that thing, on Anger, that
he did? It's quite funny cos, ooh,
he's angry and he did this thing
about anger and all the problems
he's had with anger and at some
point he's sitting in front of a
guy there saying "So what's your
regular day?" And he says "I get up
and..." do this that and another
and he says "do you drink any
coffee?" And he says "oh, maybe 8
cups in the morning." A minimum...
What is the thing with the... I've
got to get the, the... it's
something intangible about a play
and I can't remember what it is.
"They're on on Thursday and I've
got to get... gotta get through..."

Lots of typing and deleting ensues.

DR. NOSTRUM (CONT'D)
OK. So is it worth sayong what we
don't know? I suppose so, cos we're
just writing a premise, so we're
fine, so, you know. So, Jimmy... so
then we'll just say who they are.
"Jimmy is the nervous,
reclusive..." No, he's not
reclusive cos he goes to the
parties. What do you call those
people who are...

HUTCHBACK
Socially...

DR. NOSTRUM
Socially retarded

HUTCHBACK
Retarded.

DR. NOSTRUM
"Socially retarded" er, "little
brother of an Angelina type..."

HUTCHBACK
I think she's too... something. I
think we should think of someone
else.

DR. NOSTRUM
Hilary Duff? It doesn't matter, I
don't know any of these people,
so.. Angelina type.

HUTCHBACK
No, she's way too famous.

DR. NOSTRUM
I think this girl should be
incredibly famous, that's why his
life is such a misery, cos all
anyone does, it's what we were
saying, all anyone does is try to
use him to get to her. That's all
that happens in his life.

HUTCHBACK
No, but I think someone like that
would be way too famous to be got
at.

DR. NOSTRUM
I think people always try, do you
not think? I don't know.

HUTCHBACK
No, I would say that only when
someone is gettable do people try
and get them. She's clearly... ut's
someone who's a big, but rising
star, rather than a very
established figure, somehow. Cos we
can make anybody like that up.

DR. NOSTRUM
Alright, so, er, what's, um, what's
the girl who was in Sin City?

HUTCHBACK
Oh no, I know who it could be. A
Mischa Barton type.

DR. NOSTRUM
OK. Yeah. OK, fine. She's an
idiot...

HUTCHBACK
Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM
... so that's fine. OK. "All
anybody has ever talked to him
about since she became famous..."
Is he the big brother or the little
brother? Doesn't matter, who cares,
"since she became famous... is
her... and everybody... who
meets... asks him about her at some
point or other... so he has been
unable... to create his own life...
and has suffered every moment of
her fame." OK. I wonder what it is
that brings him out of himself when
he's with Zack? That's the thing.
Not sure what that would be, why
would that be, you know?

HUTCHBACK
Well, he just, for some weird
reason, likes him.

DR. NOSTRUM
Cos I think it has to be Zack,
whatever Zack is...

HUTCHBACK
Oh, they know each other! They're
friends.

DR. NOSTRUM
They went to the same school?

HUTCHBACK
They're old friends.

DR. NOSTRUM
OK.

HUTCHBACK
Were they not friends to begin
with?

DR. NOSTRUM
I don't remember.

HUTCHBACK
Yeah, yeah, they're old friends.

DR. NOSTRUM
I really don't remember. OK. Cos I
think the thing is, you know, we
think, with Zack wanting to be in
TV, when he does see Jimmy again,
he is thinking to get to the
sister.

HUTCHBACK
Yeah, but...

DR. NOSTRUM
But he plays an incredibly long and
complicated game...

HUTCHBACK
Yeah, yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM
... you know, which he has no idea
about doing that and Jimmy warms to
him.

HUTCHBACK
Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM
"... at some point or other,
within..." so "within half an hour
of meeting him." OK.
Oh, OK, so it could be the fact,
the very fact that actually Zack
knows who he is...

HUTCHBACK
Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM
... already, so he doesn't have to
say his name and Zack doesn't ask
about his sister.

HUTCHBACK
(agreeing)
Mm.

DR. NOSTRUM
OK. That'll do. That's fine. Er,
"... every moment of her fame..."

HUTCHBACK
And that actually makes his own
intentions... makes him all the
more dishonorable.

DR. NOSTRUM
Who? Zack? Yeah, oh yeah, he's...

HUTCHBACK
It make him worse in fact.

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah

HUTCHBACK
Cos basically they were really
good... Ok, you know, he can... he
can be... ok this is quite good...

DR. NOSTRUM
OK, so we'll say that. "He and
Zack..."

HUTCHBACK
He can... Basically they were
really good friends up until the
time that he was 17, he had a
breakdown and then he basically
disappeared out of his life. He
went and joined a religious cult
and disappeared out of his life and
he hasn't seen him since.
(laughing) Cos basically that's
what happened with Hyman Hearn (an
old 'friend' of Hutchback').

DR. NOSTRUM
OK. "We don't know that he and Zack
were really good friends up until
they were 17, when Jimmy..."

HUTCHBACK
Had a nervous breakdown... a drug
induced nervous breakdown and
joined a religious cult.

DR. NOSTRUM
"... had his first" OK "... had his
first drug induced nervous
breakdown..." I like the postman
stuff as well, that was quite good
(referring to Hyman Hearn) he could
do that, what he did there, burning
people's letters, you know, on the
way. Just... that could be a story.
"... nervous breakdown and
joined..."

HUTCHBACK
And actually he'd always been a bit
of a, kind of victim in their gang
anyway, in their group of friends
anyway.

DR. NOSTRUM
OK.

HUTCHBACK
So actually that's what it is, Zack
still holds power over him, still
has a hold over him, from when they
were kids. Cos he was always trying
to live up to him and impress him
and... yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM
OK. So, er, what should we call the
girl.

HUTCHBACK
I think that's quite good cos it
makes their relationship much more
interesting than it was before.

DR. NOSTRUM
That they've always known each
other?

HUTCHBACK
Yeah, well, just the fact that
there's this unresolved shit from
their past as well. But we don't
have to be explicit about it at
all, it can come through.

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. OK "... he had always been a
bit of a victim in the group of
friends... er, group of school
friends they belonged to as they
grew up." OK.

HUTCHBACK
High School friends.

DR. NOSTRUM
"... group of high school... they
belonged to" Loner, we can call
them loner high school friends,
shall we?

HUTCHBACK
Mm-hmm. (thinks) No.

DR. NOSTRUM
No.

HUTCHBACK
Not really, kind of out...

DR. NOSTRUM
Off...

HUTCHBACK
You know, outcast.

DR. NOSTRUM
Outcast, OK, yeah. Druggie outcast?
No, we'll leave that. OK. So, er,
we'll call the girl... Whatever...
Ella? I don't know, Henna. Henna! I
think is a good name.

HUTCHBACK
Henna!

DR. NOSTRUM
OK. "Henna drops off Jimmy with a
scene "I'll see you later." So that
could be a party, they could all
end up at the same party cos she's
gonna grab him and take him out
even though he's like this..." OK.
That's fine. "... drops off Jimmy
with an 'I'll see you later'" So
now that's enough. I think that's
enough of this kind of in-depth
stuff, I think we can just say,
they meet later at the party and
we'll have to go into this whole
thing and it's gonna take another
two and a half hours to do and, er,
it's a bit of a pain, but then,
um... do you want to do any more?

HUTCHBACK
(non-commital)
Yea--er

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, we can do another hour. Then
I'll see you later... So that's our
three characters.

HUTCHBACK
See you next time, as they say.
It's a bit of a see you next time.

DR. NOSTRUM
Any results yet?

HUTCHBACK
No. Nil-nil. Hull are nil-nil. In
fact looking out for Hull results
is a bit surreal, but there you go.

DR. NOSTRUM
I think I'll make a note in there
saying, once we get to it, saying
all of Jimmy and Zack's
conversations are punctuated by
random rants about...

HUTCHBACK
No, random digressions into the
trivial... into the meaningless
triviality of everyday life.

DR. NOSTRUM
"Jimmy and Zack's conversations...
conversations and writing
sessions." No, not writing
sessions, what are they called...
idea...

HUTCHBACK
Brainstorming

DR. NOSTRUM
"... and brainstorming sessions..."

HUTCHBACK
This was... this was a great... did
you hear this story about the
pollster in the election last week?

DR. NOSTRUM
What?

HUTCHBACK
"Last week Julia Hensley made one
the thousands of phone calls on
behalf of Barack Obama. A woman
answered. As Hensley ran through
her short script the husband
impatiently broke in "Ma-am, we're
voting for the Nigger." And hung
up.

DR. NOSTRUM
What? I don't understand, who's
Julia...

HUTCHBACK
She's a pollster. They call up
people.

DR. NOSTRUM
Is it a TV thing?

HUTCHBACK
No, this is real.

DR. NOSTRUM
No, but that's what I'm saying, how
did anyone hear that, did she
report it.

HUTCHBACK
She reported it. "Ma-am, we're
voting for the Nigger."

DR. NOSTRUM
I like the, um, have you ever seen
the Diddy Blogs?

HUTCHBACK
No.

DR. NOSTRUM
I wouldn't normally think to do it
but he's very funny. P. Diddy has a
series of blogs supporting Obama.
We'll look at one. If you look up
"Diddy Blog about 'That One'" I
think it's number 26, they're only
like 2 minutes or something like
that.

HUTCHBACK
P. Diddy?

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, yeah, he's very funny, he
really is very funny. I mean I
don't know if their paying him or
something but he's trying to get
all young black people... all young
people...

HUTCHBACK
(has looked it up)
They're not really blogs. They're
just videos.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well why are they called blogs?

Random P. Diddy blog plays in the background.

DR. NOSTRUM (CONT'D)
No, not that one, just look up the
one about... Actually there's one
about Sarah Palin, is that the one
with the most views.

P. DIDDY
Sarah Palin. Sarah Palin. She
scares me. She really scares me.
Look at this boys and girls, watch
this.

KATIE COURIC
When it comes to establishing your
world view, I was curious, what
newspapers and magazines did you
regularly read before you were
tapped for this, to stay informed
and to understand the world.

SARAH PALIN
I read most of them again with a
great appreciation for the press,
for the, er...

KATIE COURIC
What ones specifically, I'm
curious, did you read.

SARAH PALIN
Oh, um, any of them that have been
in front of me over all these
years...

KATIE COURIC
One of them?

SARAH PALIN
... I have a vast variety of
sources where we get our news.
Alaska isn't a foreign country
where it's kind of suggested it
seems like, wow, how can you keep
in touch with the rest of what
Washington D.C. may be thinking and
doing when you live up there in
Alaska. Believe me Alaska is like a
microcosm of America...

P. DIDDY
(pants fearfully and
heavily)
Boys and Girls, Boys and Girls, did
you hear her? Did you... I'm
scared, she scares me. She scares
me... She's worse than the
Boogeyman. Sarah Palin, you scare
me. You could become the President
of the United States... you... did
you hear her answer to the
question? Did you hear her... John
McCain's 72! Sarah Palin could be
the President! Boys and Girls
don't, please I beg you...
I'm not coming out the covers, I'm
staying underneath the covers,
we're safe underneath the covers.
Sarah Palin can't... If I stay
underneath the covers she won't
become President. You gotta vote...
One of them... You gotta be
registered! (more like this, with
fearful panting)

DR. NOSTRUM
It's not what you expect from
him... it's quite funny.

P. DIDDY
Diddy blog number 27. John McCain
scares me even more than Sarah
Palin. Look at this Boys and Girls.

DR. NOSTRUM
Have you seen this?

HUTCHBACK
Yeah, yeah, I've seen it.

A John McCain campaign video plays.

JOHN MCCAIN
It was an energy bill before the
senate loaded down with goodies,
billions for the oil companies and
it was sponsored by Bush and
Cheney. You Know who voted for it?
(a picture of Obama is cued behind
McCain) Might never know. That one.
You know who voted against it? Me.

P. DIDDY
"That one?" Yo, no, hold on I gotta
hear this again, did he just say
"That one?"

Video is played again and stays on a loop under Diddy

P. DIDDY (CONT'D)
No. No, this is 2008, not 1962! OK.
OK. I mean come on man, come on, He
said "That one." He referred to a
greying man as "That one." A man
that has worked hard, that has done
the impossible, that has fought for
every amount of respect that he
deserves.
You are running for the President
of the Unites States and you are
referring to another man as "That
one. Now, now these blogs are
dangerous, I could say something
real crazy about the "That one"
right now, but I'm not. I'm go'an
let the people decide. I wanta know
how the people feel about you
saying... you callin... referring
to Obama as "That one." We will see
you November fourth at the polls.
Tha's not, tha's not right man
"That one." I'm going to the polls
right now.

(note - after the Obama victory there were no more political
Diddy blogs, not even a celebratory one in the days that
followed.)

HUTCHBACK
There's a really good, um, where is
it? Did you see the clip of McCain
totally fucking up a speech

DR. NOSTRUM
About what.

JOHN MCCAIN
I think you may have noticed
that...

HUTCHBACK
Have you seen this one? This is
really good.

JOHN MCCAIN
I think you may have noticed that
senator Obama supporters have been
saying some pretty nasty things
about Western Pennsylvania lately
(crowd boos and hisses) and you
know, I couldn't agree with him
more.

Hutchback starts laughing. Increasing laughter drowns out
McCain's attempted recovery.

JOHN MCCAIN (CONT'D)
I couldn't disagree with you. I
couldn't agree with you more than
the fact that Western Pennsylvania
is the most patriotic, most f...
god loving, most patriotic part of
America.

HUTCHBACK
I've got to watch that again.
That's very again.

DR. NOSTRUM
I couldn't agree with him more.

HUTCHBACK
Oh Fuck. Oh, this is good as well,
this is very good.

JOHN MCCAIN
... Housing prices are flat or
declining and Americans have lost
their homes or are in danger of
losing them. A credit cunt...
crunch... is making business loans
harder to get...

HUTCHBACK
A credit cunt

DR. NOSTRUM
Is that Howard Stern

HUTCHBACK
Yeah

DR. NOSTRUM
Ah

HUTCHBACK
A credit cunt! But he's said it so
many times, there's so many to
choose from. Brilliant.

DR. NOSTRUM
Yep

HUTCHBACK
He's going to lose this cos of
YouTube

Cue montage of McCain Gaffes.

DR. NOSTRUM
Is the water boiling or is it not?

HUTCHBACK
Hang on a minute, I'll get rid of
it.

DR. NOSTRUM
Have you seen the Bush one about,
um, my very favorite was, er, fish
and humans...

HUTCHBACK
Fish and humans can live together
in peace

DR. NOSTRUM
Fish and humans can coexist
peacefully. Something like that.
I've never seen the full context
but I can't understand what he
could have been talking about. I
can't imagine what.

HUTCHBACK
Maybe he was talking about the cod
war?

DR. NOSTRUM
What other things have we talked
about that you know are an easily
summarisable comedy digression? So
if you say something like "dog
cream pies" what would be another
thing, um, like that? Oh, er, well
they don't do it in America it
doesn't matter, "The Bol-locks"
we'll have to find another way,
there would have to be some
implement that was, oh, mole grips
and... no, they wouldn't have that
either. Oh, it doesn't matter. They
do have monkey wrenches.

HUTCHBACK
Mm. The mole grip monkey wrench
wars.

DR. NOSTRUM
They don't have mongers do they?
No, there's no mongers in America
except war...

HUTCHBACK
Yeah, warmongers.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, but there's no fishmonger
or...

HUTCHBACK
Maybe?

DR. NOSTRUM
No, I don't think they do.

HUTCHBACK
Don't they?

DR. NOSTRUM
No, I don't think they do anything
like that. I'm not sure. I'll write
it anyway. "Iron..."

HUTCHBACK
We don't need this stuff, it's
just... they're just jokes.

DR. NOSTRUM
No, I know, but I'm just putting in
a thing, "All of Jimmy's con... all
of Jimmy and Zack's conversations
and brainstorming sessions are
punctuated by ridiculous comedy...

HUTCHBACK
Not punctuated...

DR. NOSTRUM
"Mostly"

HUTCHBACK
... that's all it is.

DR. NOSTRUM
"Almost entirely"

HUTCHBACK
Almost entirely.

DR. NOSTRUM
"digressions"

HUTCHBACK
Irrelevant digressions. Into the
obscure minutiae of his life.

DR. NOSTRUM
That's easy to write. All you have
to do is turn on a tape recorder
and go out.

Hutchback goes to the kitchen.

HUTCHBACK
Huh?

DR. NOSTRUM
I'm saying, that's easy to write.

HUTCHBACK
That's what?

DR. NOSTRUM
Easy to write. Cos all you have to
do is just turn on your tape
recorder and walk out your front
door.

HUTCHBACK
Do you want more tea?

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, sure one more tea before
going back up to the castle.

Noises like the passing by of a steam train ensue for several
minutes.

DR. NOSTRUM (CONT'D)
OK. So...

HUTCHBACK
I think we should also try,
somehow, to tie into this horrible
modern, modern day awfulness of the
fact that everything has now become
'content'. Content. Content content
content. Like...

DR. NOSTRUM
I don't know.

HUTCHBACK
Nothing... no-one makes art... no
one makes like... it's not called
TV or Film anymore in the industry,
it's called content.

DR. NOSTRUM
Is it? Do you know this? I don't
really know.

HUTCHBACK
Yeah, yeah, because it's all about
how you...
how you, kind of, re-sell the same
stuff multiple times in different
formats, you know, er, on, er, you
know all this mobile phones and,
er, iPod's you know and it's all
about, you know, just terrible
commercialization of...

DR. NOSTRUM
Ah, so we're doing what John
Frankenheimer can't sell.

HUTCHBACK
Yes. No no no. What I mean is that,
um, we should perhaps bring in some
kind of references to, um, new, um,
other platforms...

DR. NOSTRUM
New media.

HUTCHBACK
Like...

DR. NOSTRUM
"References the absence of content
in New Media" No. "The absence..."

HUTCHBACK
No, the fact that what used to be
something, possibly, high minded,
is just about getting content,
selling content to people. So
that's like his...

DR. NOSTRUM
So it's the abs... Oh, no, you know
what it... I know what they call
it, the call it anti
intellectualization.

HUTCHBACK
So...

DR. NOSTRUM
So that's what it is, it's the anti
intellectualization of media.

HUTCHBACK
Yeah. So that's what's good about
Green's position now, is that all
he is is about selling content.
So his job is actually, is not
really even about making anything,
it's about selling it to, you know,
mobile phone companies and, you
know, straight to video garbage,
straight to DVD, blu-ray garbage.

DR. NOSTRUM
So part of the drive of this show
references the anti-intellectualism
of today's media and the sole
preoccupation with providing
content.

HUTCHBACK
With selling content. To dumb
consumers.

DR. NOSTRUM
Of selling cross platform content.
Fuckin 'ell, no wonder no-one gets
a job... "content... this becomes
Green's personal hell, which he
plots against." This becomes
Green's personal hell which...
"Which drives his plot to bring
about it's downfall." Yeah?

HUTCHBACK
Mm-hmm.

DR. NOSTRUM
OK. Blimey, what boring shit that
is. See, the other side of this
show is, which I should also put,
is, whilst doing this we are also
going to be auditioning in reality
on YouTube for people to take part
in the show ideas that we come up
with. (To a puzzled Hutchback in
the kitchen) Maggots?

HUTCHBACK
No. My earplugs have melted.

DR. NOSTRUM
Oh. In your kettle?

HUTCHBACK
How did that happen? I had those
rubbery earplugs.

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah yeah yeah.

HUTCHBACK
Oh well.

DR. NOSTRUM
Nah, this was a thing I thought of
suddenly talking to Rat, when I met
him, is that all these things we
come up with for Jimmy and Zack's
shows, we should actually audition
for them on YouTube, for people
that, you know, to see who comes
back to you and we could do this as
part of the series at the same time
as writing the series.

HUTCHBACK
Life imitating at imitating art
imitating life imitating art
imitating life imitating art and so
on.

DR. NOSTRUM
"All of the ludicrous...

HUTCHBACK
And so on forever

DR. NOSTRUM
"... ideas pitched by Jimmy and
Zack and developed by Green should
be auditioned for on today's
YouTube in reality."

All Talk 72 - Maybe One Day We'll Get Paid For This?

HUTCHBACK
Whether it's any good or not is a
whole other matter. But it's not
difficult to come up with stories.

DR. NOSTRUM
"... and he drives off." OK. "he
drives..."

HUTCHBACK
No, no, no. He pulls out...

DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, he pulls... No, I'm saying, he
pulls... he drives off, in the
mirror we see The Blue Van.

HUTCHBACK
(under his breath,
imitating the character)
"fucking cunt"

DR. NOSTRUM
"... he drives off and in his
mirror, we see The Blue Van," OK,
it's good "...The Blue Van pull
into his spot. "Fucking Cunt" are
the first words we hear...

HUTCHBACK
It's not as funny when Americans
say it though, is it?

DR. NOSTRUM
Whatever. That's OK. "... "Fucking
cunt" are the first words we
hear...

HUTCHBACK
(A sudden thought)
Oh, that would be a good one; I did
an illegal U-turn and this guy
leaned out his car and went
"Jackass!" Really loudly. I really
enjoyed that. It was such a perfect
American moment.

DR. NOSTRUM
Mm. So, I'm just going to swap that
cos I actually think that's a
better start than Green. That's
much better. Mm.

HUTCHBACK
Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM
So there we go "Green..." so...
so... that's fine. And that's
enough on Zack there, er, "Green is
a once famous, pompous and self
obsessed film producer... (he
mumbles on fast scanning but we
can't make out the words)" SO I
guess he's the next person we go
to? He's pitching. He's pitching
and someone will have to come up
with some useful stuff to say. What
you said was great but, well, I've
recorded it so that's alright.
"(More fast scanned mumbling on
Green)...film." See I actually
met... there's a guy, well, it's
not the same level at all, but it's
quite funny.
He's 80, this guy, and he's been
trying to make a musical and he
wrote Peeps Dragon...

HUTCHBACK
(whimsically impressed)
Oh, OK.

DR. NOSTRUM
Remember Peeps Dragon?

HUTCHBACK
What was it? Oh, was it a, er,
film?

DR. NOSTRUM
A kids film. A Disney film. I mean
all those years ago with Jim Dale
and whoever and er, well, it was
Harvey, is what it was.

HUTCHBACK
Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM
But, um, he's a friend of Mrs.
Nostrum's...

HUTCHBACK
Your tea's getting cold.

DR. NOSTRUM
Er, Mum, you know, whatever, I met
him. And he's been trying to pitch
this idea about a musical...

HUTCHBACK
For sixty years.

DR. NOSTRUM
... well, er, a musical...

HUTCHBACK
Based on Pete's Dragon.

DR. NOSTRUM
... called Bite Me, which is, you
know, about Dracula.

HUTCHBACK
(laughing)
Drac...

DR. NOSTRUM
...called Bite Me, er, and er, he
wanted to play... he was here this
month and he wanted to play me the
songs that they, you know, he's got
for this. I don't know and er, it's
just funny. And he's on the
Academy, he's on the Academy Panel,
he picks movies that are, er...

HUTCHBACK
Yeah, but there's loads of them...

DR. NOSTRUM
No, no there aren't loads, there
are about 1200 people I think...

HUTCHBACK
Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM
Whatever, so, considering how many
people are it's quite funny...

HUTCHBACK
I hate the wiring in this fucking
cave.

DR. NOSTRUM
Hmm?

HUTCHBACK
My bulbs go all the time.

DR. NOSTRUM
Why do you think it's the wiring?

HUTCHBACK
It's definitely the wiring.

DR. NOSTRUM
Why? It could be the fitting.

HUTCHBACK
No, because we've had different...
(trails off) we had new fittings
put in.

DR. NOSTRUM
What's that noise? (Makes a cross
between a creaking noise and a duck
call)

HUTCHBACK
No, because we had new fittings put
in and it's still the same problem.
And it happens with all the lights.
They all blow after fucking no
time.

DR. NOSTRUM
(humming)
Doo doo, doo doo doo doo. We should
have this on an hourly beep, then
we'd get three hour bits. Er, OK,
so, he's... What is that?

HUTCHBACK
It doesn't matter.

DR. NOSTRUM
OK.

HUTCHBACK
Just ignore it, it'll go away.

DR. NOSTRUM
Like I said, that's more stuff,
it's good, just, in his apartment
you've got like "What...

TOGETHER
"What is that?"

HUTCHBACK
(imitating script
character)
"Just ignore it we're trying to
write a fucking script."

DR. NOSTRUM
Mm. OK.

HUTCHBACK
More stuff.

DR. NOSTRUM
Er, (fast again) "He's been
irrelevant for at least twenty
years while he's pitching his film
bout how the commercial reaction to
the end of the counter-culture
signalled the death of the American
soul. In the pitch that opens his
introduction to the show the
response..." Um. "he gets
is...What?
Like Forrest Gump?" Something like
that, or some Americanism about
that.

HUTCHBACK
No, no the response should be:
"It's interesting Jack." What's his
name?

DR. NOSTRUM
Jack.

HUTCHBACK
Jack. "It's interesting, Jack, but
we've already got a Gump..." er, "a
Forrest Gump-ish project on the go
at the moment. We can't have..."
You know, that's how it... Forrest
Gump. "We've already got a Forrest
Gump on the go."

DR. NOSTRUM
"We've already got a Gump
project... in development."?

HUTCHBACK
Yep. Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM
"We really want to work with you."
You know, whatever, "we really want
to work with you and we think we've
got the perfect thing." I mean I
like... that's what I was saying
about the reality of it, this is
what I think, at least for me and
you to enjoy doing this, is that
what is going on is nothing at all
like what really goes on, it's more
like a Seinfeld version of what
goes on...

HUTCHBACK
Yes.

DR. NOSTRUM
And I have a feeling that, this was
the thing about whatshername that,
her whole knowledge is great, but
she was saying "You write it
like..." you know, with all these
things that they know TV people get
and it's how the industry really
works, but I'm not interested in
that at all cause...

HUTCHBACK
No.

DR. NOSTRUM
... I think, you know, almost
nobody is apart from the people
that make it.

HUTCHBACK
Yeah, but there's a lot of show's
like that.

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, there are, that's what I'm
saying, to me it's, like, all that
stuff is very boring.

HUTCHBACK
The reason they get made is that
they're... they're...

DR. NOSTRUM
It's incestuous.

HUTCHBACK
No. Yes, they're appealing to the
vanity of the, er, the TV
executives.

DR. NOSTRUM
And this is what she was saying, is
that that's why they get made and
this can do that and I don't wan...
think that makes sense at all to
try and do that, but anyway...
so... that's... that's something
else. Erm, "We've already got a
Gump project in development...

HUTCHBACK
(sarcastically)
What does she know?

DR. NOSTRUM
... er, well... "We really want to
work with you Jack and we think
we've got the perfect project." I
mean it's not really enough, but I
suppose it's OK? You know? But do
you start, do you start...

HUTCHBACK
No, no, he has to give the punch
line.

DR. NOSTRUM
Which is?

HUTCHBACK
Yuu know... We've got Lindsey Lohan
lined up, erm...

DR. NOSTRUM
Dennis Rodman.

HUTCHBACK
And, um, you know, and, um, they'll
be in a house...

DR. NOSTRUM
I know the people, there's all
the... OK, ahh, god.

HUTCHBACK
They'll be in a house, but the
twist this time, is they're trying
to make a hit record.

DR. NOSTRUM
(typing)
"Lindsey...

HUTCHBACK
Lohan.

DR. NOSTRUM
What do they call Rodman, it's
something like A-jax or something
like that?

HUTCHBACK
A-rod.

DR. NOSTRUM
A-rod, OK, fine. "Lindsey, A-rod
and.

HUTCHBACK
No, why is it A-rod?

DR. NOSTRUM
He's not A-rod, that's the guy
Madonna's... he's a baseball
player, doesn't matter. "Lindsey, A
rod and..." er, there's another
one, Tyson... Tyson Beckford, he's
in all these shows, oh, er, "and
Sylvester's Mum."

HUTCHBACK
Sylvester's Mum...

DR. NOSTRUM
Cos we've seen her, which I
actually like the idea that she
would probably do any kind of show
that you put in front of her at
all.

HUTCHBACK
Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM
"Sylvester's Mum...

HUTCHBACK
You could probably even, we would
definitely get her on this show.

DR. NOSTRUM
"... are lined up for a..." OK
"Lindsey, A-rod and Sylvester's mum
are lined up for a..."

HUTCHBACK
"And we've got this beautiful
apartment in Malibu, but the twist
is, this time they're making a hit
record... for children" No.

DR. NOSTRUM
It's not... What would be just,
completely pointless? That they
would do? I don't know. Maybe. I'm
just not sure that that's how that
works, I think he sort of heads up
a department where ideas are
supposed to, you know "We need
someone to run a department to
bring in Reality projects" might be
enough?
You know, he could say "We've got a
thing", blah blah blah blah "and we
need someone to run a department to
bring in more project like that."

HUTCHBACK
Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM
So, that would be more...

HUTCHBACK
And erm...

DR. NOSTRUM
So not only is he... He's not even
getting to direct, he's just an
off.. A pencil-pusher. In some way.

HUTCHBACK
No, OK, so he says "You want me to
produce a fucking Reality Show?"
"Well, not exactly produce"

DR. NOSTRUM
Alright.

HUTCHBACK
"What we need you to do is, there
are a lot of these ideas..." Yeah.
So it's basically like...

DR. NOSTRUM
OK "... lined up for a great..."
Er, well let's do this thing you
thought: Big Brother, but we're
gonna... there are gonna be live
wild animals...

HUTCHBACK
No, n-n-n-n-no no no,

DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, cause that's one of their
shows.

HUTCHBACK
It can't be. It's got to be an
absolutely...

DR. NOSTRUM
Dull.

HUTCHBACK
Dull as, you know... OK. So,
they're on an island.

DR. NOSTRUM
OK, well, how about this: there's a
project where they all get taught
plumbing and they have to live the,
you know...

HUTCHBACK
Yeah. They're plumbers.

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah

HUTCHBACK
Yeah! "Celebrity Plumber".

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. OK. So that's fine... "for a
great series where they have to be
plumbers." OK. Fine.

HUTCHBACK
Yes and each week they get voted
off by a panel of professional
plumbers. Their work gets assessed
by professional plumbers.

DR. NOSTRUM
OK. So, "Celebrity Plumber". That's
quite good, I quite like that. The
one I came up with I actually think
was not bad and probably will get
made. The one on that thing -
"Celebrity Speed Dating". I can
imagine someone will make that.

HUTCHBACK
Hmm.

DR. NOSTRUM
I mean it is a terrible idea that
you'd have to watch it, but I
imagine someone will make it.

HUTCHBACK
Well, my, er my idea was quite
good.

DR. NOSTRUM
Mm.

HUTCHBACK
I actually had a real idea for a
real reality TV show. Remember that
one I had with our freelance
visionary? Maybe we can use that?

DR. NOSTRUM
Which one was that?

HUTCHBACK
It's the dating one where each date
is like... basically, the guy has
to try and keep the date going, or
the girl, whichever one is the,
er...

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah?

HUTCHBACK
... has to try and keep the date
going as long as possible and the
whole thing's set up to be a
complete disaster, like the waiters
are all actors...

DR. NOSTRUM
Ah. Yeah.

HUTCHBACK
... and they all do these crazy...

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah. But that's not a bad idea.

HUTCHBACK
... things and... yeah, it's not
actually a bad idea.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well what's the point of a
reasonable idea? We don't want any
reasonable ideas.

HUTCHBACK
No no no, I'm saying that that
was... So the timer starts and the
date starts and they have to keep
it going as long as possible.

DR. NOSTRUM
I understand, yeah. Yeah.

HUTCHBACK
You know, the waiter comes, spills
the...

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah, I get it.

HUTCHBACK
Spills the drink down her front.

DR. NOSTRUM
No. I get it. I get it. Anyway.

HUTCHBACK
(sarcastically)
I'm not sure you're really getting
it.

DR. NOSTRUM
I like it. I'm feeling it. Um,
actually, that should be there, she
says "I'm feeling it Jack.' That
would be better "I'm feeling it
Jack, but..."

HUTCHBACK
Entourage is what you're thinking
of.

DR. NOSTRUM
It is. Not that I've ever seen it.
OK. Er, "We really want to work
with you Jack, we've got the
perfect project. Lindsey, A-rod and
Sylvester's Mum are lined up...

HUTCHBACK
Oh. No, Sylvester.

DR. NOSTRUM
Sylvester?

HUTCHBACK
Let's put Sylvester in.

DR. NOSTRUM
OK that's even better. Sylvester.
That's great. "Are lined up..." He
thinks it's Stallone. "What?
Stallone?" "No."

HUTCHBACK
"No, no. The singer."

DR. NOSTRUM
Actually, we could interrupt there
so "Sylvester." "What, Stallone?"
OK. So...

HUTCHBACK
(imitating Green)
"Stallone?" And she's "No, no. The
Singer." (He chuckles away)

DR. NOSTRUM
OK. "... singer, are lined up for a
great series where Celebrities have
to be plumbers and every week the
public..." Oh, this is so boring,
"...the public votes one of them
off." "Celebrities are trained to
be plumbers" Is that better?

HUTCHBACK
Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM
OK.

HUTCHBACK
No. Celebritis have to set up...
Two celebrity... two... you have
rival... two rival celebrity camps
each running their own plumbing
business.

DR. NOSTRUM
(laughing)
OK. Oh, OK fine.

HUTCHBACK
There's the day to day... the day
to day...

DR. NOSTRUM
Tension.

HUTCHBACK
Tension and i, i, intrigue around
two rival plumbing businesses.

DR. NOSTRUM
OK. "Two rival celebrity camps have
to run their own...

HUTCHBACK
(laughing a lot)
Plumbing businesses.
That would be the worst reality
show ever. Actually it's probably
be alright.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well it's very current of course
isn't it? That's what I was
thinking of. I was thinking of Joe
The Plumber. So...

HUTCHBACK
(laughing)
Plumbing...

DR. NOSTRUM
So, er, "Every week the public
votes one member of each team off."

HUTCHBACK
Yes.

DR. NOSTRUM
Oh, no, every week there's a
winning team and one member of
the...

HUTCHBACK
Yeah.

DR. NOSTRUM
OK.

HUTCHBACK
And they're on an island. "And we
might put them on an..." "But we
might put them on an island."

DR. NOSTRUM
"We need to make more of it."
Something like that. I don't know,
it doesn't matter. "And every week
there's a winning team, and the
losing team..."

HUTCHBACK
I don't think you need to explain
too much about that.

DR. NOSTRUM
OK and you can basically, he, er...

HUTCHBACK
All you need to say is...

DR. NOSTRUM
Dot dot dot dot dot.

HUTCHBACK
Er, no, I don't think they should
go into any explanation or detail.

DR. NOSTRUM
OK.

HUTCHBACK
That's enough.

DR. NOSTRUM
Two rival celebrity camps have to
run their own plumbing business.

HUTCHBACK
No. "The twist is, this time their
running their own plumbing
businesses." As if that's kind of
the magic.

DR. NOSTRUM
OK. "Lined up for a great reality
series..."

HUTCHBACK
"And you want me to direct this?"

DR. NOSTRUM
OK, so...

HUTCHBACK
"Can I remind you I made..." and
then we need to come up with some
films.

DR. NOSTRUM
OK. I just want to... Well, we
might as well just name some great
films. Frankenheimer films.

HUTCHBACK
Well, no no no, let's get films
that sound like Frankenheimer
films.

DR. NOSTRUM
OK, well anyway "are lined up for a
great reality series with two rival
celebrity camps. The twist is..."
OK.

HUTCHBACK
Are you feeling it baby? I think
he's actually made something
recently.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well he made... what did he make?
Um, what was the one, "The
Manchurian Candidate" what can we
say there?

HUTCHBACK
OK, let's see, he made 'Black
Sunday', 'French Connection 2'

DR. NOSTRUM
Didn't he make Manchurian
Candidate? No he didn't.

HUTCHBACK
Yeah, yeah, yeah he did.

DR. NOSTRUM
Yeah.

HUTCHBACK
'Seven Days In May', 'Birdman Of
Alcatraz', 'Seconds' that's a great
film.

DR. NOSTRUM
What's that, imdb?

HUTCHBACK
Mm.

DR. NOSTRUM
Does it have his MTV Base stuff?

HUTCHBACK
(mockingly)
'Does it have his MTV Base stuff?"
He's not actually done anything in
the last 6 years.

DR. NOSTRUM
Hmm.

HUTCHBACK
He made 'Reindeer Games' in 2000.
Oh, he did Ronin. That's why I...
Fuck, that was over 10 years ago.
That must have done alright?

DR. NOSTRUM
Hmm. Mystery Girl said he can't get
work... So, he's like "You want me
to direct this?"

HUTCHBACK
"You want me to direct this piece
of shit?"

DR. NOSTRUM
I don't know if he'd do that. Cos
in some sense...

HUTCHBACK
No, cos he knows them...

DR. NOSTRUM
Really?

HUTCHBACK
Yeah, they're like his...
they're... they're friends of his.
You know, this is why it makes it
so bad, it's like he's... you know,
they know him very well and...

DR. NOSTRUM
So?

HUTCHBACK
Because he's got... this guy's got,
um, principles.

DR. NOSTRUM
So we've got "Not really, we've got
a great YouTube, um, film-maker
lined up..."

HUTCHBACK
(laughing)
"A great YouTube film-maker!" um,
"No, we've got this kid off
YouTube" er "this YouTube kid who's
very hot at the moment. He's taking
the helm on this one."

DR. NOSTRUM
OK

HUTCHBACK
"But we need, er, we need an
experienced guy like you..."

DR. NOSTRUM
"But we need a visionary like
you..."

HUTCHBACK
"We need a visionary!"

DR. NOSTRUM
"To head up the Reality
department." How's that?

HUTCHBACK
I don't know, it sounds a bit
grand. Grandiose.

DR. NOSTRUM
It's alright for pitching. He (Rat)
might change it.

HUTCHBACK
No, no. I think his job should
sound worse.

DR. NOSTRUM
Er, "We need someone to get the
idea in for The Reality Department"

HUTCHBACK
He's just doing development. "We
need a guy..."

DR. NOSTRUM
OK. "We need a visionary to..."

HUTCHBACK
"to be on the ground finding these
things."

DR. NOSTRUM
"be on the ground finding the
things for these new hot kids."

HUTCHBACK
"for these hot kids to knock out
the park."

DR. NOSTRUM
OK. That's good...(types away).
Imagine if this is what TV writing
is. Oh boy. OK.

HUTCHBACK
Well it is. It's people sitting in
a room, writing.

DR. NOSTRUM
Well, yeah, but they're getting
paid for it. You know.

HUTCHBACK
One day... maybe we will.

DR. NOSTRUM
Maybe.